


you’re all i want

by alltimelarries



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Beards, Closeted!Louis, Depression, Established Relationship, Hidden Relationship, Homophobia, M/M, Modest, Modest! Management, OTRA tour, On the Road Again, On the Road Again Tour, Sad!Louis, Secret Relationship, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, closet, closeted!harry, i would die for louis tomlinson, larry stylinson - Freeform, louis tomlinson is an angel, one direction - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:00:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 41
Words: 110,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23868658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alltimelarries/pseuds/alltimelarries
Summary: when louis tomlinson and harry styles met on the x-factor in 2010, they never imagined how much their lives would change. they fell in love in the early stages of one direction's career, but love is never easy. through countless fights with management, they managed to stay strong and never let that break them apart. they were happy together. but what harry didn't know, was that while he was on his own path of self love and acceptance, the love of his life was wasting away.(also on wattpad)
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Comments: 52
Kudos: 234





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hi! welcome! it has been a hot minute since i have written a fanfiction, but quarantine right?
> 
> this story will be sad. it'll have some elements some people might fight triggering, such as self harm, homophobia, and self hatred. if there is anything else i'll put it at the beginning of the chapter it is in.
> 
> this begins near the start of the on the road again tour. 
> 
> this chapter is a little short. they’ll get longer. 
> 
> enjoy.

february 26, 2015. japan. 

"lou? you in here?" harry's voice softly broke the silence in his and his husband's shared hotel room. 

"yeah, harry," louis responded from his spot on the bed. he hasn't moved all day. they arrived at the new hotel in the early hours of the morning and louis has been in bed ever since. it was one of those days where he struggled to find the motivation to get himself out of bed. sadly, that has become a more regular occurrence lately. "i'm here, love."

harry made his way over to the bed, kicking his shoes off before climbing in next to his husband. louis instinctively cuddled up into harry's side, taking comfort in the arm being wrapped around him and pulling him close. harry places a soft kiss to the top of louis' head. 

"how was niall?" louis asked, curious about why the irishman urgently needed to see his husband on one of their days off. "is he okay?"

"don't worry, darling. he's fine. just some girl issues. nothing to worry about." he answered. "i can't imagine how difficult it would be to keep a stable relationship while being away on tour. i'm so lucky that you're along on this ride with me."

a small smile crossed louis' face as he hummed in response, not really in the mood to speak, so he just held onto harry a little tighter. he was so thankful that his job included traveling with the love of his life. harry is his rock, and louis doesn't know how he would do this without him by his side every step of the way. as much as louis loves his job, it gets challenging at times. being away from his family was something he has been struggling with ever since the first tour, and having harry with him has made that so much more manageable. louis also has a rough relationship with their management team. as much as he tries to hide it, the lies and fake girlfriends, and the negativity he gets from management hurts him a lot, and harry is the light that pulls him out of that darkness. all of the shit they put him through fades out of his mind when he is in harry's warm embrace. 

since day one, simon cowell has hated louis. louis knows that he was the forgettable one in the group. he knows he was the least attractive and the least talented. he knows that simon regrets putting him in the band. he's the least marketable. and as if that isn't enough, he's gay. 

his sexuality has probably caused the most problems for him and his relationship with their management since the band started. he used to be happy and open, unashamed of who he was, until one day when simon flew him out to california by himself to shut him down. he was too flamboyant, too gay to be successful in the music industry. that was the day louis got his beard, eleanor, and he was no longer allowed to be himself. he had to pretend to date a girl and was stuck wearing a mask that seems to kill him a little more each and every day. 

this is why, sometime during the tour for up all night, louis began to hurt himself. the only relief he got from the pain was when he was running a blade across his shoulders, chest, and stomach. when he first started, he tried his thighs and wrists a couple times, but those scars were too hard to hide until they faded. sticking with places that could be hidden by a t-shirt made it so no fans would be suspicious, and he just had to keep his shirt on whenever he and harry had sex. louis has always been self conscious about his body and never really liked taking his shirt off anyway, but harry has always been so respectful of louis' boundaries, keeping his shirt on has never been an issue. one of the worst things louis can imagine is harry finding out. that would mean harry would find out about all the self hatred and sadness, and louis doesn't want to let harry down. he needs to stay strong for the love of his life. harry is happy. he can't do anything to change that. taking away harry's happiness would break him even more. 

management cares less about harry's sexuality and how he expresses himself. louis was much more flamboyant when the band started, so he was seen as the main problem, not harry. as long as harry keeps his sexuality and relationship a secret, management just publishes articles labeling harry as a womanizer and a sex symbol, and starting rumors, but for the most part, leave his private life alone. he's too valuable to them to completely ruin. louis knows that it bothers harry, but he is good at handling it. 

louis is thankful that harry has been able to discover who he is and learn to love himself. he would gladly take the abuse from management if it meant his harry got to be happy. seeing harry happy makes his pain worth it. louis doesn't care how much management could hurt him, as long as they don't touch harry. 

watching harry's smile while he's on stage every night, dancing around and waving pride flags from the audience is the fuel that keeps louis going. harry's happiness means so much more to louis than his own. perhaps that's why he pretends to be alright even though it's tearing him apart on the inside. it doesn't matter as long as harry is happy. 

"are you alright, sunflower?" harry asks, noticing louis' abnormally quiet behavior. 

"just a little tired." louis lies. "i think i might be catching a cold or something. nothing to worry about."

harry presses his lips to louis' forehead. "you don't feel warm. can i get you anything?"

louis shakes his head. "just stay here. please?"

"of course, darling." hardy adjusts himself so he is laying down more comfortably next to louis as they hold each other. "try to get some rest, okay?"

louis nods in response. "love you."

"i love you too, darling." harry slowly runs his hand up and down louis' back to comfort him, enjoying the feeling of being close to his husband. the past few weeks have been extremely chaotic due to the tour, and they haven't had much time to be alone, holding onto each other peacefully. 

harry has started to worry about louis. he's noticed that lately, he hasn't been acting fully like himself. he hoped that louis was just feeling a little worn down from tour, and that the day off in bed would rejuvenate him. his beautiful husband has been wearing less smiles lately. as much as harry wishes he would, louis hasn't said anything to him about it. harry just hoped that if it got too bad, louis would talk to him. they're married. louis could come to harry with anything and in return, would get nothing but love and support. 

harry hopes it's nothing serious, but there's something inside of him that tells him to worry. harry has been convincing himself that it's just the tour. the five boys have had very little time off in the past four years, and as much as they all love touring, all of the boys have been getting a little worn out, but it seems like louis is getting hit the hardest. they are about a little less than a month into the on the road again tour. they have about eight more months on the road. 

harry just hopes his louis will be okay.


	2. Chapter 2

february 27, 2015. japan. 

the next morning, harry wakes to an empty bed and the sound of shuffling from the other side of the room. his eyes squint to get adjusted to the sunlight shining through the window curtains. 

"lou?" he mumbles, half-awake and just hoping his husband is coming to rejoin him in bed. 

louis walks over to the bed and presses a soft kiss to harry's forehead. "i'm sorry, love. management wants me to get papped having breakfast with eleanor. it's been a while." he sighs sadly. "hopefully i'll be back soon."

harry frowns. "can't you skip? it's early. come back to bed," he asks hopefully, but knowing what the answer is going to be. 

"i'm sorry. you know how they are, h."

"hmm," harry hums, grabbing louis' hand and pulling him down on top of him. "5 minutes?"

louis chuckles at the puppy-dog eyes harry gives him. "5 minutes," louis agrees, settling down next to harry once again. 

"i hate that they make you do this. it's not fair. zayn's never had to hide his relationship or fake date anyone. it's not fair." 

louis' heart breaks at the sadness in harry's voice. "i know, love. i wish it wasn't like that. i wish i could stay with you in the mornings as late as i want, and then go out to breakfast with you, not caring if the paps see us. i wish i could show them all how much i love you and not have to worry about what anyone thinks." louis feels tears begin to form. he pushes them back and clears his throat. "i love you, harry. you're my everything."

harry smiles. "i love you too." he presses his lips to louis' shoulder and holds him, enjoying every extra second he has with his husband. "tell el i said hi, okay?"

"of course. don't miss me too much while i'm gone." louis winks and pulls himself out of bed. 

"i'll be heartbroken without you,"  
harry says with a dramatic sigh. 

louis giggles and gives harry one last kiss. "i'll see you soon, love."

"bye, lou. love you," harry calls as louis walks to the door. 

"i love you too."

louis gently closes he door behind him and makes his way to the stairway, which at the bottom, his beard, eleanor, was waiting. 

eleanor's face lit up as soon as she saw louis arrive. she instantly pulled him into a tight hug. "how are you doing, lou? how's harry and the rest of the boys?"

louis couldn't help but smile at her. even though she's his beard, eleanor has such a sweet personality, and they became friends as soon as louis stopped resenting her for working for management. when they first met, it was right after the first time simon completely shamed him for being gay, so he hated everything to do with simon and pretending to be straight. it was only a few weeks later when he realized that it wasn't eleanor's fault, and that she was just doing it for a huge paycheck from management. she needed the money to get her through university, as well as paying medical bills for her sick grandmother. louis came to realize that if it wasn't eleanor, it would have been some other girl, and he was lucky to be with someone who actually cared about him. louis quickly became friends with eleanor. she always did what she could to make him comfortable in the shitty situation, and he was able to forget that he was going out with a beard by just enjoying being with a friend. 

"i missed you, el. i need you to help keep the boys in check. you know how rowdy they can get," louis says cheekily, wrapping his arm around her shoulder, a friendly gesture that wasn't romantic, but it was close enough for the paps.

eleanor rolled her eyes. "of course. it's definitely the rest of the boys that are the problem" 

"you're completely right, my dear eleanor. also, harry says hi."

she smiles, grabbing onto louis' hand as they exit the hotel, instantly being swarmed by cameras flashing, along with a couple of fans. louis quickly takes a couple of photos with the fans and flips off the paps, and the pair make their way to a nearby diner.

they make small talk until the waitress comes to take their order. once she leaves, eleanor grabs louis' hand from across the table. 

"are you finally going to tell me what's bothering you, lou?" she asks, genuine concern displayed across her face. 

louis sighed internally, upset that his acting had been failing so much that now both eleanor and harry were asking if he was okay. "i'm fine, el." he smiled sadly. "you know i love you, but i wish harry was here instead."

eleanor nods. "i know. i wish we were here under a normal circumstance. just two friends getting breakfast together. i hate that they do this to you, louis. i hope that one day, modest will pull their heads out of their asses and start being decent humans for once in their pathetic lives and let you and harry just be together."

louis laughs. "yeah, you and i both. i guess this has just been getting me down lately, you know?"

eleanor tightens her hold on louis' hand to comfort him and gives him a small smile. "i need to talk to you about something." she announces, looking at louis with emotions he is unable to read. 

"what is it?" louis asks nervously. "did management do something?" 

"my contract ends in a week." eleanor notices louis' eyes brightening. 

"does that mean i'll be free?" everything in louis' body tells him to not be too optimistic, but he can't help the hopeful feeling he has inside. all he wants is to be free with harry. maybe after more than three years of faking, he will finally be allowed to be himself. he won't have to lie to the fans anymore. he would be able to stop tearing himself apart over his sexuality even more than management does. "is this over?"

eleanor sighs. "i don't know," she drops louis' hand to reach for her phone out of her purse. she opens her email, to show louis the most recent one his management team sent her. "they said what happens next is up to me. i can leave once the contract ends, or i can sign it again and we'll be doing this for another three years."

"so what are you going to do? you know i love you, but i hate this. if you have a choice, why would you continue it? if it's for the money, i can help pay for your grandma's hospital bills. you don't need management for that. i'll help you with anything." louis asks desperately, wishing that this could all be over. 

"i wanted to leave this up to you." eleanor slides her phone back into her purse once louis has finished reading the email. "i know you obviously want this to end, but you and i both don't know what management plans next. if i sign the contract, it'll be three more years of exactly what we've been doing. if i don't, management will leave you alone for a little while, but who knows about after that. they could force other girls on you. they could make you out into some kind of player. maybe they'll fake a pregnancy or something. we don't know what extent they will go to."

louis feels his heart shatter a little. "they wouldn't really do that, would they?" his voice cracks ever so slightly. 

"i don't know, lou. we don't even know if that will happen though. maybe they'll change your mind and let you and harry come out." eleanor suggests, knowing how slim the possibility is, but wanting to make her friend feel a little better. 

louis takes a moment to think of all the possibilities. "we only have one more album in our contract. we could sign to someone different later on, right? we were talking about taking a short break anyway. that could change things, right?"

eleanor is interrupted by the waitress returning with their meals and asking if they need anything else. 

louis started picking at his food, too lost in his thoughts to focus on eating. more than anything, he wants management to accept that him and harry are together and nothing will change that. as much as he fears what management can do, he's sick of having a beard. he needs it to be over. 

"this is all up to you, lou. i don't need their money anymore. this decision is entirely yours to make," eleanor encourages. she deeply cares about louis and wants him to be happy. 

"can you," louis hesitates. "can you not sign it?" he asks softly. "i can't do this anymore, el."

eleanor smiles. "of course. as long as you promise to call."

louis chuckles. "don't be ridiculous. you can't get rid of me that easily."

they spend the rest of their breakfast making small talk and laughing with each other, before they have to make their way through the paps again as they head back to the hotel. once back inside the hotel, eleanor pulls louis into a tight hug. 

"i'm going to miss you. i don't know when i'll be able to see you again." she says, sadly. 

louis squeezes her one more time and pulls out of the hug. "don't worry. you're still one of my best friends. we'll talk all the time. i'll visit when we're back in england."

"you better," eleanor smiles. "now go be with your man."

they have one final hug, then louis disappears to the elevator to take him back up to harry. upon entering their room, louis hears the angelic voice of his husband coming from the shower.

he is singing a new song he's been working that for now is being called "sweet creature". harry's voice mixed with the beautiful words captures louis' emotions, pulling him into the song. louis doesn't know how he got so lucky to end up with such a talented and amazing person. 

louis smiles and almost pushes the door open to join him, when he remembers the scars covering his upper body. the smile instantly drops off his face and his eyes start to water. he quickly backs away from the bathroom door and heads over to the bed, hoping that harry didn't hear him come in. louis doesn't want his husband to see him so upset over nothing. he doesn't want harry to have to deal with this. he needs to be the happy, cheery man that harry married. 

louis manages to pull himself together by the time harry exits the bathroom, long hair dripping and a towel around his waist. louis wolf whistles and winks at harry when he looks over at him. 

"i wasn't expecting you back so soon," harry says as he makes his way over to the bed to press a soft peck to louis lips. 

louis smirks and pulls harry on top of him. "well, here i am."

louis brings their lips together again, sighing in content as all of his problems seem to fade as harry's lips move against his own. harry's hands run through louis' messy brown hair, making him moan against harry's lips. louis' hand grab onto harry's bare back, pulling him closer and making the entire situation more heated. 

louis rolls them over so harry is on his back and his fingers make their way down to the towel already falling off of harry's hips.

"wait," harry pulls away from louis lips and rests his hand on top of louis'. "we can't start this now. we have to leave to get to the venue soon for soundcheck."

louis pouts. "please, love?" he begs. "we can be quick," he says seductively, hoping that can convince his husband. 

harry presses one more quick kiss to louis' cheek. he rolls louis back over and climbs off of him. "nope. you have to wait until after the concert tonight."

louis groans. "you suck. i'm divorcing you."

"yeah you wish," harry smirks as he does up the buttons to his shirt. 

louis climbs off of the bed and goes to wrap his small arms around harry. "you're going to regret making me wait." 

"i sure hope so," harry returns the hug, loving the feeling of louis in his arms. just the comfort of each other is the most important thing to both of them. there is no where else either would rather be. 

"how was breakfast with eleanor? it's been a while since i've seen her." harry questions. 

louis hesitates before answering, unsure of how to tell harry about eleanor's contract without getting his hopes too high. he feels confident that he made the right choice, and believes that would be the best for them, but maybe harry will think he made the wrong decision by asking eleanor to not sign the contract again. that's a decision that involves both of them. maybe louis should have confronted harry before making any final decisions to eleanor. what if harry gets mad at him about it?

"lou? is everything alright?" harry notices louis' silence and the nerves that seem to fill his small body. 

louis nods. "yeah, everything's fine," he takes a deep breath. "it's just eleanor's contract is ending next week and she gave me the option to pick if she resigned it or not. if she did it would be another three years exactly like they have been so far, but if she doesn't then we don't know what management has planned, which i'm worried about, but i asked her not to sign it. i should've talked to you before i asked her. if you think it would've been better for her to sign it, i'll call her right now and tell her i changed my mind."

harry gently cups louis' face in his hands. "it's okay love. it's your decision. i love the idea of not having to share you with eleanor. we'll be able to handle whatever management throws at us. that's what we do," harry comforts his husband, calming him with gentle touches and the smooth sound of his deep voice. 

"thank you, haz."

"anything for you, my love," harry kisses louis again before pulling away. "now you have to get ready. we should probably be leaving pretty soon and i don't really feel like dealing with liam getting up our asses for being late again."

"you'd rather deal with something else up your ass," louis mumbles, but harry hears. 

"hey! behave yourself!" he playfully hits louis' ass as he walks away. "you have to wait until tonight."

"yeah, yeah," louis rolls his eyes. "anything for you."

they finish getting themselves ready, with a healthy amount of flirting throughout, just in time for liam's five minute warning text. the couple leave their hotel room to meet the rest of their band to travel to the arena, all five of them excited for the concert that night, and two a little more excited for what comes after.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: there is smoking and self-harm in this chapter.

february 28, 2015. japan.

a couple hours before their show, louis found himself sitting outside at the back of the venue, chain smoking cigarettes. he knows that this is going to completely destroy his voice some day, but right now, he can't find it in himself to care. 

louis has been outside for a little less than a half hour, and working on his fifth cigarette, when someone joins him. 

zayn takes a seat on the cold, hard bench next to louis, and the two sit in silence for a minute before zayn asks for a cigarette. 

louis obliges and offers his lighter to zayn as well. 

louis knows that zayn also struggles with the life that they had been thrust into. zayn's anxiety made it difficult for him to really enjoy being on stage, and constantly interacting with fans and the press. he also quarreled with management, but in a different way than louis. management refused to let zayn express himself creatively, always rejecting his ideas for new music, and constraining him so much, he was suffocating. 

the two of them grew closer to each other because of their struggles, though neither talked about how detrimental it has all been to their mental health. they didn't need to discuss it, though. they both had an instinct that told them something was wrong, but sometimes it was enough to just sit in silence with either a cigarette or a joint in hand. 

"aren't you cold, mate?" zayn's soft voice broke the silence. "you didn't grab a jacket before coming out here. that jumper doesn't seem very warm." 

louis recognizes the concern in his friend's voice and shrugs. "not that bad," he slightly raises the hand with the cigarette in it. "keeps me warm."

zayn sighs. "you've been out here for ages," he says as he takes his own jacket off and places it around louis' shoulders. louis instantly feels the warmth from the jacket rush to his cool body, not even noticing how cold it was before. 

"thanks, z."

the two sit in silence for another couple of minutes, until louis' cigarette burns out and he pulls out his pack to get a new one. zayn puts his hand out and stops him. 

"i think you've had enough for now," zayn interrupts. he puts out the rest of his cigarette as well. "remember when we first got put in the band? how excited we all were?"

louis turns his attention to zayn, curious as to where he was going. 

"this is all we ever wanted, you know? traveling the world. making music. we were so hopeful. i wish we knew what we were signing up for. maybe i wouldn't have gotten out of bed the morning of my audition." zayn let out a small, pained laugh. "i wish they knew. the fans. i love them, you know i do, but do you think they would want us living like this if they knew? they're tearing you apart. i can see it. harry can see it. do you think the fans would let us go if it meant we could be free?"

unsure of how to respond to zayn's words, louis stays silent for a moment. of course, this is something that runs through louis' mind often, but he has never been able to put it into words. never even able to bring it up to harry. "i don't know if they'd understand."

zayn nods, sadly, but tries to hide his emotions from louis. louis wishes he could take zayn's pain away. he wishes he knew what was running through zayn's mind and find a way to make it better. zayn is one of his closest friends, and louis wishes that he would be able to make him happy, but he knows he can't. 

zayn stands up and grabs louis' hand to pull him to his feet as well. "your husband misses you. we better get back inside."

louis complies and follows zayn back into the venue, handing him back his jacket once he feels the heat from the building warming him. they enter their dressing room and take a seat on the couch with the other three boys. 

"lou, before you get comfortable, can you please grab me a water bottle?" harry asks hopefully, giving louis his best puppy-dog eyes. 

louis rolls his eyes. "you've been waiting for me to come in just so i can get things for you? why can't you get it yourself?"

"i mean i would, but it hurts to walk," harry states, hearing a groan from the other three boys that really don't want to hear about their sex life. "and that's definitely your fault, so to make it up to me, you have to get me my water." harry gives louis a cheeky grin in satisfaction when he walks across the dressing room to grab the water. 

"you're lucky i love you," louis mutters, cuddling into harry's side. physical contact with the younger man always managed to make him feel better. 

"thank you, darling," harry smiles as he pulls louis closer to him. "you're freezing, sunflower. you should've come inside sooner," harry notices, feeling louis' cold hands through his shirt. "are you okay? i don't want you getting sick."

louis shakes his head. "i'm fine, harry. i have you to warm me up," he flirts, awkwardly winking at his husband. 

"you two are aware that the rest of us are here, right?" liam interrupts. "save the mushy stuff for the bedroom."

enjoying nothing more than messing with liam, louis repositions himself so that he is straddling harry. he softly presses their lips together, smiling in satisfaction when he hears the others' grumble of annoyance. deciding not to go too far, louis breaks away from the kids and rests his head against harry's chest instead. 

louis stays quiet while harry, liam, and niall converse, noticing zayn's silence, and taking comfort in the feeling of harry's hand running up and down his spine. louis knows that this is a bad day for him. he doesn't even know why, and he hates it. he should be happy waking up next to his partner, who he loves more than anything in the world. he should be happy to be able to work with said partner, while living out his lifelong dream. nothing bad has happened today, but louis can't help the feelings of self-hatred and sadness that plague him.

louis stays with his head against harry's chest and his arms wrapped around his back, listening to the others chatting carelessly about football, until they have to get up to finish getting ready for their show. louis excuses himself to the bathroom, needing a minute to put on the happy mask that he presents to the fans. 

he stands in front of the mirror at the sink and splashes water on his face. "you can do this, tommo," he mutters to himself. "you've done this a thousand times. it'll be fine."

louis has been stuck with dread weighing him down all day and he is so nervous for the concert tonight, even though he has performed so many times before. he just has this gut feeling that something is going to go wrong or something bad will happen. of course he hopes this isn't true, but his luck lately has been shit and it wouldn't surprise him if he massively screwed up on stage tonight. 

louis takes a deep breath and tries to calm himself. he knows the psychology. he knows that if he gets himself convinced he'll mess up or something will go wrong, it will. he just knows that right now, he feels like shit and dreads he won't be able to hide it from the fans. 

louis grabs a towel and dries his face off, knowing he's taking too long and he has to get back out to the rest of the boys soon. he makes his way back to the dressing room and is instantly pulled over to get his hair touched up by their hair stylist, lou. 

harry makes his way over while louis gets his hair done and grabs onto louis' hand, kissing over his knuckles. 

"everything is going to be okay, sunflower. the fans love you and can't wait to see you," harry says in attempt to comfort his husband. he can see that louis is distressed, hoping to ease him a little. 

louis squeezes harry's hand softly. "thanks love," he mutters. "just a little off today. feels like something is going to go wrong."

"if something does go wrong, we'll get through it. it won't be the end of the world," harry places a kiss onto louis' lips. "just two more shows after this and we'll have over a week long break. just some time for the two of us."

lou has finished with louis' hair by now and has left the two boys to talk alone. "yeah. i'm just a little worn out, louis tells both himself and harry. "i just need a break."

"soon, beautiful. soon." harry pulls louis back onto his feet, not letting go of his hand. "but until then, you're going to kill it tonight, hear me?"

louis smiles at harry. "of course." 

the five boys finish preparations to go on stage, and hear the screams from the fans as the lights go out and the music starts. harry sends louis one last encouraging smile and they run onstage. 

it turns out, nothing too horrible happened during the show. louis tripped and nearly fell off the stage and forgot some lyrics at one point, and although that's nothing unusual or career-ending, louis still feels disappointed with himself. 

maybe if he were a better performer, he wouldn't be so clumsy, or forget lyrics. it's unprofessional. he's just lucky that the fans are so dedicated and sing so loudly, he's able to get back on track. 

louis still can't help feeling down about himself as the band gets back to their hotel and separates to their own rooms. the only thing bringing him comfort being harry's arm around his waist. 

once they get into their room, harry brushes the hair out of louis' face with his large hand, looking lovingly into his eyes. "why don't you go take a shower, and then we can cuddle in bed?" he offers, knowing that physical contact cheers louis up, especially cuddling. 

louis forces a small smile. "sounds good. maybe you can find a movie for us to watch?" he suggests. 

"great idea," harry pulls louis into a kiss and makes his way to the bed in their large room. 

louis grabs his suitcase and makes his way into the bathroom, locking the door behind him. 

he takes off his shirt, looking into the mirror as he runs his fingers over the pale red lines covering his skin. it had been a few days since louis had cut himself, and he was really craving the razor running across his skin again. 

louis strips the rest of his clothes and turns on the shower, before searching for his blade at the bottom of his bag. sighing in relief as he finds it, he wastes no time before running it across his stomach. he waits a few seconds to watch the blood begin seeping out before making another line next to the previous one. 

when louis feels satisfied, he rinses off his blade and puts it back into the suitcase. he steps into the shower to wash the blood and sweat from the show off. there is something mesmerizing about watching the blood thin as it mixes with the water and washes down the drain.

he makes sure to carefully clean his fresh cuts, not wanting to get an infection. once he feels clean enough, he shuts off the water and quickly dries himself. louis puts on some clothes from his suitcase and brushes his teeth before feeling ready to go and face harry, his nerves slightly calmed now that he had the chance to meet with his blade. 

once louis exits the bathroom, harry jumps up from the chair he was sitting in. "i pulled a movie up for us to watch. i'm going to take a quick shower. i'll be done in like ten minutes, then we'll cuddle, okay?"

"don't take too long or i might have to call liam to replace you. i know he's missing sophia. i'm sure he wouldn't mind," louis teases. 

"oh, fuck off," harry rolls his eyes playfully, but louis knows he's getting slightly jealous. 

"love you," louis retorts. he secretly loves that harry gets jealous so easily. that means he cares and doesn't want to share him. louis thinks jealous harry is adorable and loves to tease him about it, which never works in his favor, because harry will take revenge on his just as jealous partner. 

louis settles himself in their bed and gets comfortable under the blankets as he waits for harry to finish his shower. while he waits, louis pulls out his phone. he opens twitter and sends out a tweet, praising the wonderful fans in japan. 

he scrolls through the replies for a few minutes, before coming across a few hate tweets, telling him to quit the band and that he was holding the rest of his talented band mates back. louis closes out twitter as soon as he sees the tweet, knowing that now is a bad time to get himself upset over hate. all he wants is a cozy night with his husband and won't let any hateful fans ruin that. it's not like they're telling him anything new anyway. it's something that he tells himself every day.

once harry gets out of the shower, he joins louis in bed and presses play on some random romance film he found. harry has always been a sucker for rom-coms. he cuddles himself into louis' side and louis wraps himself around harry. they intertwine their fingers and hold each other close, not paying much attention to the film playing in the background. 

louis feels the wetness of harry's long hair dampening his shirt, but he doesn't care. being right here, wrapped in harry's arms is all he will ever need.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: there is self-harm and mentions of an eating disorder in this chapter.

march 9, 2015. singapore. 

one direction was a few days into their eight day break, and they had chosen to spend it in singapore so they would be able to get the traveling out of the way. so far, the break has been peaceful for the most part. 

the boys have spent most of their time asleep or with each other, taking the opportunity to work on a few songs or spend time at local pubs. management has been rushing them a little less for their next album, so they're all enjoying the creative process a little more. 

louis loves writing. he has confidence in his songwriting abilities, and finds the process therapeutic. he loves how he's able to put his emotions into words through song, and definitely enjoys writing a cheesy love song to sing to harry. 

this break has been exactly what louis has needed so far. of course he still misses his family, but he is so much more relaxed now that he has had time to spend with his bandmates and not have any responsibilities.

possibly the best part of everything, is that louis had his last public appearance with eleanor right before they left japan, and their breakup was planned to be announced closer to the end of march. louis was so thankful that management was going to be off his back about beards for a little while. if they forced him into another fake relationship too soon, it would either look like he cheated on eleanor since he would pick up a new relationship so quickly, which would give him and the band a bad image, or that the relationships weren't real at all, and just for publicity. management had to give him a break, or they would make themselves look fake. louis was so thankful. 

right now, louis and harry are alone in their hotel room, with their lips passionately moving together and hands roaming each other's bodies. louis' hands are just starting to reach harry's boxers when his phone starts going off on the bedside table. 

louis groans, reaching for the phone. "it's zayn," louis informs harry. "he can wait."

"yes, ignore it" harry pleads. 

louis is not one to oppose harry's wishes, so he lets the call go to voicemail and silences his phone so he can get back to what he was previously doing. 

a couple minutes later, harry's ringtone disturbs the desperate blowjob louis was giving him. louis pulls away while harry grabs his phone to silence it. 

harry groans in annoyance, noticing that zayn was now reaching out to him, and it was probably something important. he reluctantly answers the call, and louis decides to continue his work, even with zayn on the other end of the phone.

"what do you need, mate? i'm a little busy right now," harry tries not to sound to snappy towards zayn, but also trying to not sound like his husband is pleasuring him at the same time. 

harry heard zayn groan in annoyance, coming to the realization that his concern of interrupting the couple was happening. he had already tried calling louis' phone twice with no answer, and as much as he hoped louis just didn't have his phone on him, he figured that wasn't the case. "sorry to interrupt. i need to talk to all of you. can you meet me in my room, like, now? it's important." he asks. 

"can it wait?" harry says breathily as louis continues working his mouth, hoping that he wouldn't orgasm while on the phone with zayn. "we're in the middle of something."

"okay fine, just hurry up." zayn quickly hangs up the phone, not wanting to be in the middle of harry and louis' sex life for any longer. 

"z-zayn needs to see us," harry reports to louis in between moans. 

it isn't long before harry finishes and returns the favor to louis. afterwards, they spend a couple minutes holding each other in silence, nothing but heavy breaths making sound, while coming down from their moment of passion. 

"we should probably get up to see what zayn wants before i fall asleep right here," louis breaks the silence reluctantly. 

"unfortunately, i think you're right," harry unwraps his arms from around louis' small body. he sits up and runs a hand through his messy hair. "i love you."

louis giggles. "i love you, too." 

the two climb out of bed, and pull their clothes back on and trying to make themselves look presentable. louis messes with his hair to make it look like his husband's hands weren't just tangled in it, and harry chooses to tie his hair up in a bun. 

"you are looking absolutely ravishing, sunflower," harry says, taking louis hand and kissing it. 

louis blushes fondly at the cheesy, romantic gesture. "you look hot," louis responds bluntly. 

"thanks for ruining the mood," harry grabs louis' hand. "we should probably get going before the rest of the boys murder us for being too late."

louis nods in agreement and him and harry walks hand in hand to zayn's hotel room a few doors down the hallway. they knock on the door, which almost instantly opens to a slightly annoyed looking liam. 

"look who finally decided to show up," he grumbles while letting them in.

"don't worry, payno. you can join in next time," louis sasses, finding a lot of joy in teasing liam. 

"oh shut it," he leads them to the couch where zayn and niall are seated, zayn appearing quite nervous. 

they all take a seat, liam joining niall and zayn on the couch, and louis and harry squeezing next to each other on a nearby chair. 

"now that we're all here, what was it you had to tell us, zayn?" niall asks curiously. the four boys turn their attention to zayn. 

zayn's head drops and he stares down at his hands, anxiously picking at his cuticles. "i has a call with management this morning."

"oh no," louis mutters. "that can never be a good thing."

"no, it's fine. they didn't do anything," zayn replies. "i needed to talk to them about something."

"what is it, mate? you know you can tell us anything," liam encourages zayn to continue. 

"you're all my brothers. you guys know that, right? nothing is ever going to change that," zayn begins. 

niall frowns. "you're making me nervous now. what are you on about?"

zayn takes a deep breath. he doesn't want to let down his boys, but he knows he has to do this. it's like ripping off a bandaid. "i'm leaving the band."

silence suddenly fills the hotel room, all four boys in shock, unsure if they heard zayn right. zayn looks nervously around at the others. confusion and shock cover the faces of liam, niall, and harry, but the only emotion he finds on louis is sadness. his heart breaks seeing his best friend like that. the life and joy louis had when he walked into the room snuffed out like a flame. 

"what do you mean you're leaving the band?" harry finally has the courage to ask.

"i mean i can't do this anymore," zayn admits. "it's all too much for me. the touring. management. they're overworking us. they're controlling our every move. it's killing me inside."

"so you're quitting on us?" niall questions. 

"when are you leaving? are you not going to finish the tour?" liam asks before zayn gets the chance to answer niall. 

"why didn't you talk to us before? maybe we could've helped you. why did you choose to go straight to management?" harry joins. 

the three boys keep asking zayn questions, trying to process the news that was just thrust upon them. 

"i'm so sorry," zayn apologizes. "this is all just so bad for my mental health. i don't think i have any other options. i haven't been happy here for a while. i hate letting you down and the fans down, but i need to do this for myself."

after about five more minutes of questioning from harry, niall, and liam, louis speaks for the first time since zayn delivered the news. 

"i'm going to go have a smoke," he mutters, pulling his hand away from harry's and ignoring the protests from the other boys, and finds his way out of zayn's room. he goes back to his and harry's room to get his pack of cigarettes and sits out on their balcony. he lights a cigarette and puts it up to his lips. he breathes in the smoke, wishing he had something stronger than a cigarette. 

louis had no idea how to process this. he had known zayn has been unhappy lately, but he never imagined that zayn would leave. he thought the two of them were in this together. besides harry, louis is closest to zayn in the band. he is in complete shock that zayn never even mentioned serious thoughts about quitting the band. of course they had talked about what it would be like to have a normal life, but zayn quitting was never something that had even crossed louis' mind. 

as soon as louis gets over the initial shock and feeling of betrayal, he gets hit with a wave of guilt. zayn is his best friend. he knew that the band has been taking a toll on zayn. he should have reached out more. maybe if louis had spent more time actively making sure zayn was okay, he never would have gotten to the point where he felt the only option was to quit. 

the two had always found the most comfort in each other while smoking and having lighthearted conversations. it was easiest for them to avoid talking about how broken they were. they both knew the other struggled, but they never wanted to go into it. some things are easier to not talk about, and now, louis regrets everything. 

louis' third cigarette is nearly burnt out by the time he hears the door to his hotel room open. he glances over and notices harry opening the door to let zayn in. harry knows louis needed some time to himself, and then to talk to zayn alone. as much as harry wants nothing more than to hold onto his husband for them to comfort each other, he knows that's not what louis needs right now. 

zayn makes his way over and sits next to louis on the floor of the balcony. before zayn can say anything, louis interrupts him. 

"i'm sorry," he apologizes. "i'm so sorry."

"none of this is your fault, louis," zayn places his hand on louis' shoulder. 

louis puts out his dying cigarette and lights another. "if i was a better friend to you, maybe things wouldn't be so bad. i want you to be happy. i should have done more."

"i would have told you if there was something you could do," zayn sighs. "you're a great friend. you're my brother. it's just that this life is too much for me to handle. i can't deal with modest! and the constant touring. i feel like my life isn't even mine anymore."

louis stays silent for a moment. he understands how zayn feels. the constant pressure to be someone else. not being able to process anything that happens because they've already moved on to the next thing. this life is crazy and not meant for everyone. apparently zayn is one of those people. 

"how long has this been going on for?"  
louis finally asks. 

"i think i've somewhat always felt this way. end of last year is when it got bad."

"how bad?" louis dares himself to ask. 

zayn glances over at louis, making brief eye contact before dropping his gaze to the ground. "i stopped eating. needed the control."

louis feels his heart break. "i'm so sorry i didn't notice."

zayn shrugs. "you weren't supposed to. i didn't want anyone to notice."

"but i should have noticed. i should have been a better friend," louis' eyes water. "what can i do for you? what can i do to make it better?"

"nothing lou," zayn pulls louis into a hug. his eyes water as he feels louis' tears begin to wet his shirt, finally letting all the emotions of the day out. "that's why i have to leave the band. i need to let myself get better. i'll get help once i'm home."

louis pulls away from the hug just long enough to put his cigarette out in the ashtray and falls back into zayn's arms, now fully being able to relax into him without the risk of burning him. now, with his arms around zayn's waist, he can feel his ribs. how did he not notice his best friend was dealing with this sooner? soft sobs rack louis' body and silent tears run down zayn's face. 

it crosses louis' mind for a brief moment that maybe he should tell zayn about his own self-destruction. zayn just finally opened up to louis, and as much as louis wants to, he can't. he can't risk zayn telling harry. that is louis' worse case scenario. no matter what happens, harry can not find out. louis has also been keeping this secret for around three years. he doesn't know how to talk about it. plus, zayn is going through a lot on his own. louis doesn't want to make it worse by shoveling his problems on top of zayn while he already has so much going on anyway. 

"when are you leaving?" louis finally breaks the silence, before admitting to something he's not ready to yet. 

"end of the month," zayn responds. "management wants me to leave tour for a few days before announcing anything final. i already know i'm still going to want to leave."

louis nods. "i'm still sorry. i should've helped you more."

"no louis, stop this," zayn demands. "you can't blame this on yourself at all. i love you. you're my brother. you've done everything i've let you."

louis gently squeezes zayn's frail body one last time before breaking away from the hug. "do you mind if i have some alone time?"

"yeah of course," zayn nods. "it's a lot to process. do you want me to send harry in?"

louis shakes his head. "can you give me like an hour? i think i just want to be alone for a little while."

"no problem, mate. but please promise to not smoke too much. your habit has been getting really bad lately."

"i won't smoke anymore," louis promises, but doesn't tell zayn what he plans on doing instead. "i'll see you later, yeah?"

"yeah," zayn pulls himself to his feet and steps back into the hotel room. 

"please text me if you're feeling bad?" louis asks hopefully. "i can start being a better friend now, right?"

"you've always been a good friend, lou," zayn sighs. "but i will. love you."

"love you to, zayn."

zayn silently exists the hotel room, and louis waits for a couple minutes to be sure no one else is coming in before getting on his feet and making his way back into the large room. louis grabs his suitcase from off its holder and carries it into the bathroom, locking the door behind him, just in case. louis sets a timer for thirty minutes on his phone to give himself time to clean himself up before harry gets back. he wastes little time in stripping his clothes and pulling his razor out. 

like he's in a trance, louis drags the razor across his body over and over, focusing on the pain from the cuts rather than the emotional pain he has been slammed with today, and in the past four and a half years. more tears race down louis face, blurring his vision. this break had been so good so far. louis had been mostly happy. he thought things were getting better. clearly he was wrong. 

the sound of his phone's timer makes louis jump a little, digging the razor in a little deeper than intended. "shit," he swears, putting down the razor, and walking over to the shower to wash himself off. there is a lot of blood covering his torso at this point, and he needs to clean himself up before harry gets back. 

thankfully, it doesn't take too long for him to stop bleeding and clean the cuts out, and he is back in bed with a cozy sweatshirt on by the time harry gets back. 

harry instantly kicks off his shoes and joins his husband on the bed. they cuddle into each other, holding on to each other like they might just fade away. harry finally lets himself cry for the first time and louis, who thought all his tears were already cried out, starts crying again too. 

the two spend the rest of their day quietly sobbing into each other's arms, wondering how to help their friend and what is going to happen to their band.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my final day of classes was today, so besides final exams and one last paper, i’m almost done for the semester. hopefully this means i’ll be writing more since i’ll have more time.


	5. Chapter 5

march 22, 2015. philippines. 

"sunflower," louis hears a voice softly say, shaking him gently. "you have to get up."

louis groans, ignoring his husband, hoping he'll go away and let him get back to sleep. 

"louis," harry climbs onto the bed next to his sleepy lover. "wake up, darling."

louis rolls onto his shoulder and sighs in contempt as harry begins massaging his tired shoulders. harry truly is good with his hands. his gentle hands almost expertly release the tension and stress that has seemingly consumed him over the past few weeks.

this time has been chaotic for everyone. zayn has been on a countless number of phone calls with management, talking about contracts and how they're going to let the fans know about his permanent departure. he feels guilty for springing this upon everyone so suddenly, but he knows that leaving the band is what is best for him. he had never really wanted what the band became. he started out in hopes of being a solo artist who could express himself and make music he loved and was passionate about. instead, it turned into a popularity contest that forced him into a box that he couldn't escape. he will forever be grateful for the band, but he was never really happy in it. 

the rest of the boys have been in twice the number of rehearsals, working through each song to figure out who will sing each of zayn's solos and how to balance out the harmonies with a voice missing. all four boys are struggling adapting in their own way, and they all have fears about how the band is going to continue with someone missing. zayn has been gone for a few days already, but a couple of concerts is a lot different than an entire tour and creating a new album without him. 

besides zayn, louis has been dealing with this whole situation the worst. he has to fake it for the fans, who still don't know zayn is not coming back, and for the rest of his band. he's the oldest. he has to stay strong for the other boys. he has to protect them, but he is heartbroken about zayn, and just as terrified about what management plans to do for the rest of them. zayn's departure will get them in the media for a while, but they're bound to lose fans over this, and therefore, lose money. they'll probably be planning some big publicity stunt, and louis is terrified to find out what it is. if anything, louis is a little envious that zayn was able to finally escape management's clutches. 

five minutes into his back massage, harry stops and leans down to kiss the back of louis' neck. "you have to get up now, sunflower."

louis finally opens his eyes and glances at harry. "why? we don't have anything going on today until the concert."

"exactly," harry's face breaks out into a wide smile. "that is why we are going on a date."

"oh really?" louis smirks. he pulls harry down on top of him and their lips meet together. "or maybe we can just stay here instead."

"as much as i would like that, i already made plans."

louis groans and holds his arms up. harry smiles fondly and picks his husband up from the bed. louis' legs wrap around harry's waist. harry easily carries louis tiny body over towards the bathroom before putting him down. 

"get ready, lou. we need to leave soon."

louis leans up and give harry a quick kiss before rushing to get himself ready. a few hours to just relax with his husband is exactly what louis needs right now. harry is the only thing keeping him together right now.

louis excitedly joins harry sitting on the bed once he's done and wraps his arms around his neck. "what's the plan, love?" he asks. 

harry's smile could light up the entire world. "as you may recall," harry states dramatically. "you and eleanor have officially broken up to the media. that means you and i are going to celebrate."

"i love you."

"i love you too darling," he pulls them into a brief, but passionate kiss. "we have to get going soon. we're going out."

"how?" louis asks, slightly worried. "people will definitely end up seeing us together."

"of course not. i planned this out. it's still a secret to you for now," harry says with a smirk. "i wanted to treat you for the day without management being up our asses. you've done so much for me i wanted to spoil you for a day to celebrate not having a beard anymore."

louis feels fondness tug at his heart. "what did i ever do to deserve you?" he asks genuinely. harry treats him so well and he will never be able to thank him enough for it. 

"you deserve the world, louis," harry says seriously. "you do so much for me. i know how much shit management gives you about us and how much it sucks that they forced you to be in a fake relationship for so long, so i want to thank you for that."

louis feels tears pool in his eyes. "i love you so, so much, harry. you know i'd do anything for you. i'll take everything management throws at me as long as they let you be happy."

"you make me happier than anything," harry admits. he buries his face into louis' neck, enjoying his husband's touch for a moment, before remembering that they still have places to be. "alright, lou. it's time to go. oh wait," he hesitates, hurrying over to the desk and grabbing a small bag with a croissant in it and next to a small cup of louis' favorite yorkshire tea. "take this for the ride."

louis takes the tea with one hand while harry holds the bag so they can keep their hands interlocked. 

hand in hand, they exit their shared hotel room and walk down the few flights of stairs to get to the lobby where their driver will be meeting them. harry always gets a little freaked out by elevators, so louis always makes sure to find the stairs when possible. he could also use the extra exercise. harry and the rest of the boys work out with their trainer while on tour, but louis' only form of exercise is playing football, which he doesn't get the opportunity to do very often. he needs to stay in shape somehow to be able to keep up with the rest of the boys running up and down their stage at every concert.

louis and harry are escorted out the back of the hotel and get in a discreet looking car that will take them to their date.

"harry?" louis asks. 

"hmm?" harry responds, fiddling with the ends of his long hair. 

"does management know we're doing this?"

harry scoffs. "of course not. they'd never be okay with it. paul and i set it up alone."

louis smiles. "you truly are the best."

"no, you are," harry responds confidently. "i love you more than anything."

"i love you too."

louis leans his head onto harry's shoulder and that is how they stay for the rest of the drive, with their hands intertwined together. after about thirty minutes of driving, the car stops at near beautiful and secluded crystal blue waters. there are rocky cliffs with forests covering them and a stunning sandy beach. louis is in awe at the location. over the past five years, he and the rest of the band had travelled all around the world, but they rarely had the chance to explore the countries much past the drives from the hotel to the venue they perform at. 

"i know it's kind of cliché," harry begins, breaking louis out of his thoughts, "but i thought you could use a break from everything, at least for a little while. i know it's so cheesy, but we are having a picnic."

louis beams at his husband. "it's perfect. i love you so much."

louis pulls harry towards him and they crash their lips together. harry pulls back after a few seconds and climbs out of the car, rushing around to the other door to open it for his husband. 

"such a gentleman," louis giggles. harry leans down and places a kiss to the back of louis' hand. his heart feels like it grows, the love he has for harry lightening up his world. 

with his hand still in louis', harry grabs a bag that their driver had taken out of the trunk of the car and whispers something to her. soon enough, harry says a quick thank you to the driver and leads louis over to the rocky cliff that overlooks the water. 

when they are nearing the edge, harry stops and releases louis hand. "i need you to sit down and close your eyes until i come get you," he requests. 

louis raises his eyebrows. "you know harry, i know that five years is a long time. if you've finally gotten sick of everyone loving me most, leaving me alone and helpless to get eaten by some wild beast in the middle of nowhere where no one knows we are isn't necessarily the way to go," he teases. 

"oh shut up," harry lightly pushes louis. "just do it."

louis drops to his knees in front of harry, smirking up at him. "is this what you want?"

harry has to take a step backwards in order to contain himself. "stay here. i'll be back in a couple minutes."

louis sighs and sits down on the ground, picking at a weed growing up through the grass. louis absolutely loves how much of a hopeless romantic harry is. the cheesy romantic dates always make louis' heart flutter and somehow make louis love him even more. they've been together for over four years, and married for about two and a half, but still, louis feels his love for harry growing every single day.

two long minutes later, harry hurries back and scoops louis' small body off the ground. 

"hey!" he protests, but secretly loving being in harry's strong arms. 

harry kisses louis' cheek and carries him over to where he set up a picnic, complete with candles, chocolate covered strawberries, and a bottle of expensive wine. 

"we have about five hours before we need to go to get back for the concert." harry explains. "but during these five hours, we can do anything you want."

louis feels like crying. of course harry is going to know how to make him feel better. "thank you," he whispers, trying to fight back the tears. he stands on his toes to crash his and harry's lips together, trying to show all of the emotion he can't find a way to put to words in the kiss. their lips move together perfectly. they are made for one another. harry's lips are like amnesia. none of the bad thoughts cross louis' mind when they're together. no one is telling him to be different, that he shouldn't be gay. that he has to hide who he truly is because everyone would hate them if they knew he wasn't straight. but here harry is, and he knows, and he loves louis unconditionally anyway. "thank you," he whispers again when they pull away. 

harry sits down onto the picnic blanket he laid out and stretches his legs out. louis joins him and crosses his ankle over harry's shin, just to keep some physical contact with him. 

harry pours both of them a glass of wine and hands one over to louis. "let's make a toast," he suggests. "to us."

"cheesy fucker," louis laughs and taps his glass against harry's. they take a sip and louis reaches for a chocolate covered strawberry to feed to harry. 

"and you say i'm the cheesy one," harry says after eating the berry. 

louis shrugs. "well, you are what you eat."

"hey! this is a family picnic!" harry pauses. "or is it?"

"oh do you expect me to be a fan and start yelling for you now?"

"oh please," harry scoffs. "you scream for me much more than they do."

louis fakes a gasp. "it's definitely not a family picnic now."

"no it is not." 

harry uses this as an excuse to pin his husband to the ground and attach his lips to his neck. louis holds back a moan as harry works his mouth over his neck and trails his hands down to the button on his jeans. louis' hands tangle themselves into harry's long hair. harry moves away from louis' neck and being their lips back together as he fumbles to unbutton louis' jeans. 

a couple hours later, harry and louis finished cleaning up from their prior activities, as well as finishing the snacks and bottle of wine that harry brought. 

"let's go for a walk, love," harry suggests. 

louis happily agrees, clutching onto harry's hand, taking in the breathtaking view around them. the waves crashing on the shore below them and the ruffle of wind in the trees are so peaceful and relaxing. harry truly is the expert on knowing and giving louis exactly what he needs. 

"it's beautiful here, isn't it?" louis asks, in awe of his surroundings. 

"it is," harry agrees. "when we go on break, i want to travel. i want to spend like a week at each place so we can actually get to explore the cities and make memories there. we've been to so many places, but we haven't really experienced any of them."

louis nods in agreement. "i'll go anywhere as long as you are by my side."

that causes a smile to cross harry's face. "i wouldn't want to be anywhere unless you were with me."

louis squeezes his hand. "i love you so much. i can't imagine not being with you."

"well, it's a good thing you're stuck with me then. i love you too."

the couple continue their walk in silence, no need for words between them. after a few minutes of listening to the rustling of leaves and sounds of the water, harry speaks up. 

"how have you been with this whole situation?" he asks softly. "like, with the band?"

"what do you mean?" louis responds, trying, but failing to act like he was okay with everything. of course he wants to talk to harry about this, but he's the oldest. he needs to stay strong for harry. 

"lou, i know how hard you've been taking this," harry says gently. "zayn is your best friend. of course it's going to be hard to get over this. i know you want to keep pretending it's fine for me and niall and liam, and of course the fans, but it's okay to be hurt by this. you know i'll always be by your side and support you."

louis can't stop the tears from falling down his face. soon enough, he is sobbing into harry's arms, hardly able to keep himself standing, the emotions that had been weighing him down making an appearance all at once. harry holds onto him tightly, not minding the wetness appearing on his shirt. he gently runs his fingertips up and down louis' spine to comfort him. 

"talk to me, love," harry begs. "please tell me how i can help you."

"i'm sorry," louis struggles to say, sobbing almost too hard to speak. "i'm ruining our day. you planned this whole nice date and now i'm ruining it."

"of course you're not!" harry exclaims in shock. "please talk to me, louis."

harry guides them over to a nearby rock so they can sit. he keeps his arm around louis, holding him tightly, slightly scared of what would happen if he let him go. he hates the way he can practically feel louis breaking under his fingertips. 

a few minutes after trying to pull himself together, louis finally feels able to talk. "i fucking hate management."

"i know, sunflower. i know," harry comforts. "it'll all be alright, yeah? after this next album, we can leave them. they won't be controlling us anymore."

"they ruined everything," louis starts sobbing harder again. 

"of course not! no matter what they do, they will never break us apart," harry explains. "one day we'll be free from them," he promises. 

harry is in a little bit of shock from louis' sudden breakdown, but he knows that louis has been bottling up his emotions for too long and needs to let it out before it consumes him. although louis barely told him anything, he knows that everything management is doing is taking more of a toll on the man than he could've ever realized. his heart breaks at the thought of louis keeping this all to himself. 

harry knows how as the oldest of six siblings, louis always felt the responsibility to take care of them all and be their rock. he's the oldest in the band and wants to be the one the others can rely on to cheer up. he was always the first to stand up to management and will always put the rest of the band's happiness before his own while acting like it doesn't effect him at all. but in this moment, harry can feel him breaking. 

"harry?" louis whispers. "can you please sing to me?"

"yeah of course," harry places a gentle kiss on louis forehead and lacing their fingers together. "my hands, your hands, tied up like to ships..."


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: there is mention of self-harm in this chapter

march 25, 2015. indonesia. 

today is the day.

all four members of one direction had woken up with dread weighing them down. something they had all feared for about four and a half years was finally happening today. 

the entire day, it was hard for the boys to enjoy anything they usually would. under normal circumstances, the boys loved getting to a new city, preparing for their show, and meeting some wonderful fans. none of them could find joy today though. not even in any of the delicious snacks provided by catering. 

being on stage was usually a time they could forget about any problems they were having, being able to immerse themselves into the music and their performance, but of course, today being on stage made it worse. every solo covered and every harmony that seemed slightly empty was a reminder for what was to come directly after the show. how can someone use performing to forget about something that is a huge part of their performance?

as the last note of best song ever played and the boys run off stage, they all gather into a group hug to let the tears finally fall, while still being able to hear the screams coming from all of the fans. the announcement is only minutes away. 

louis cannot fathom how the fans would feel, leaving the concert after one of the best nights of their life, to instantly get the news of zayn's departure. or all of the fans getting home from school, or waking up to see the news. he's honestly terrified. they all know how much zayn means to the fans. he so often gets told by fans how the band saved their life, and that the band brings them so much happiness. he's terrified about their reactions will be. the entire band is worried. 

zayn had sent them all a group text that morning, to say thank you to the boys and tell them how they'll always be his brothers. that was the first text any of them had gotten from him since the day after he left the tour in hong kong. it is crazy for all of them to fathom how this is happening. none of them had imagined that someone would leave, and now their lives were turned upside down in only two weeks. 

"alright, mates. it's up," liam's sad voice breaks the silence that had been towering over them since the end of the show. they all knew when the announcement was going up, but they wanted to pretend it wasn't happening for as long as possible. sadly, the whole pushing something off that you're dreading to happen and hoping it will go away technique they tried to use didn't work. 

none of them dared to open their social medias yet. they weren't ready to hear what the fans were saying yet. 

the drive to the hotel they're staying in for the night was silent, all of the boys too lost in their thoughts to speak. niall sits curled up in his seat, his feet on the seat so he can rest his chin on his knees. liam stares blankly out the window, feeling numb inside. harry has his head resting on louis' shoulder, with louis' strong arms wrapped around him. 

when they arrive at the hotel, harry quickly collects their three room keys, muttering a quiet "thank you" to the woman behind the front desk, and the boys make their way to the room intended for harry and louis to share. it was an unspoken decision between the four of them that none of them want to be alone that night.

when they get into the room, they cuddled up next to each other on the floor, finally opening twitter for the first time that night. it is insane to say the least. 

of course, zayn's departure is trending and there are millions of fans tweeting mixed responses. some are supportive over zayn's wishes, but many are a mix between angry and heartbroken. 

"they're shocked," niall stared after a few minutes. "no one can believe it."

liam nodded. "most people are just saying that they're crying."

the four scroll through twitter for a while, taking in all of the fan reactions, when louis comes across something that makes him gasp in horror and throw his phone on the floor. his eyes fill with tears and he jumps up. he grabs his pack of cigarettes out of his jacket pocket that he left laying haphazardly on the bed and goes out to the balcony to try to clear the image from his mind through the nicotine. 

harry curiously, but nervously picks up louis' phone to see what made him have the sudden outburst. he's glad that louis' actions gave him some warning, because he was deeply disturbed as well. 

the image was of a fan who had cut "i love zayn" into their arm. 

"what is it?" niall asks cautiously. 

harry turns the phone screen towards niall and liam, and they both gasp in shock. 

"oh, fuck," liam mutters. "i knew the fans would be upset, but not like this," he admits in shock. 

harry closes the twitter app on louis' phone and shuts the screen off. he pulls himself off of the floor. leaving both his and louis' phones on the bed, he went over to join louis on the balcony. 

he places himself behind louis and wraps his arms around him, resting his head on his partner's shoulder. "are you okay, love?"

louis takes a drag from his cigarette, ignoring harry's question. "i hope zayn doesn't see what's happening. he's going to feel like shit about this."

harry nods sadly in agreement. "i think it's best we all stay off twitter for a little while, yeah?"

"how could someone do something like that?" louis asks in horror after a moment. "why would they do that? why would they tweet it?" 

he of course understands self-harm and the motivations behind it. he just cannot fathom that someone would do it because a member left their favorite band and then post it onto twitter. the thought of louis' little "secret" getting out and appearing on twitter horrifies him. he doesn't understand how someone can take it so lightly and be publicizing it. 

harry, who usually knows exactly what to say to make louis feel better when he's upset, is at an absolute loss for words. he is just as confused as his husband is. "i don't know, lou. i don't know."

louis takes another drag of the poison he holds between his fingers. "i thought things were looking up," he says. "and now all of this is happening."

"we'll get through this, sunflower. i know it's unbelievably bad right now, but we'll get closer because of it. this is best for zayn. the fans will soon realize, i hope. just because zayn won't be touring with us or making music with us anymore doesn't mean we lost him as a friend," harry assures him. 

louis doesn't respond. he doesn't feel like he has to. instead, he grasps one of harry's hands that are wrapped around his torso with his free hand, his tight grip being a silent thank you. 

harry gently places a kiss on louis' neck and continues holding him in silence until he finishes his cigarette. 

once the cigarette burns out, harry pulls louis to his feet and drags him back inside where liam is still sitting on the ground and niall is speaking to someone at the door. when he turns back around, he is pushing a small cart that is filled with bottles of different types of alcohols. 

"we decided that tonight, we need to get wasted and think of the good memories," liam informed harry and louis. "we can't let ourselves keep feeling down about this."

"what a great idea!" drowning out all of his thoughts with alcohol is exactly what louis wants to do right now. he's the first to grab a beer and start downing it. the rest of the boys follow suit. 

louis down the beer in record time, then grabs a bottle of vodka. he reaches for a glass, hesitating for a moment, before deciding to just drink from the bottle. 

once the boys all drink enough to start feeling a little more than tipsy, they slow down with their intake of the alcohol. they all need to forget for a little while. 

"remember," louis starts giggling. "remember when i recorded zayn and i smoking a joint?" he laughs even harder. "management was so pissed."

harry smiles fondly at his giggly husband. he would do anything to keep that smile on his face. 

"how about the time niall hit himself in the face with that basketball?" liam chimed in once louis finally manages to calm down. 

louis starts roaring with laughter again. "good one, payno!"

"hey!" niall exclaims, pretending to be hurt. "that was a traumatizing moment for me!"

harry reaches over and gives niall's knee a pat. "sure it was, niall. sure it was."

harry laughs as the jealousy takes over his husband and louis grabs harry's hand away from niall, holding it tightly between his fingers. harry gently squeezes his hand, to silently communicate that there is no need to be jealous— louis is his only one. even if he did want something with niall, it would never happen. niall is as straight as a ruler. 

"that week right after we got put together as a group was one of the best," harry mentions. "out of no where, i had a new family. staying at my stepdad's place for the week to get to know each other before everything got crazy was so important to us."

louis nods with a small smile on his face. "that was a fun time. i loved messing around with you lads instead of practicing," he looks into harry's eyes. "that's when i first started falling for you."

liam and niall let out a quiet, "awe," and harry pulls louis into a kiss, letting his lips do the talking for him. 

"how about that camping trip we went on when we were filming this is us?" liam adds, interrupting harry and louis' moment. "that was a good night. almost like the old times. no responsibilities for the night. we were just able to be like normal lads."

niall groans. "don't even mention that trip. i spent the whole night hearing those lovebirds going at it. i'll never be the same." niall shivers, as if he was reliving the memory. 

"oh come on, niall," harry retorts. "you're just jealous."

to prove his point, harry pulls louis fully onto his lap and starts kissing him hungrily. louis can't hold back the moan in the back of his throat as he kisses back. before they can get too into it, niall pulls louis back, forcing the two to separate. 

"we may be drunk, but we still don't need to see that," liam claims. 

"oh come on," louis rolls his eyes. "if sophia was here you would be doing exactly the same thing."

"yeah, but she's not. your argument is invalid, tommo," liam childishly sticks his tongue out at louis. 

louis responds by casually flipping him off. 

suddenly a memory pops into his head and he mischievously grins at harry. "what about the time where i said to eleanor that i'm gay and that's pretty unfortunate in front of a bunch of fans?" he giggles, proud of himself for that one. "i never thought management could be so angry." management was furious with him because of that one. they got the news outlets to report that instead of saying that he was gay, louis had said "same day" because a fan said they had the same birthday as him. that didn't even make sense though. why would he say to eleanor that it was unfortunate that him and this fan shared a christmas eve birthday? 

louis zones out the rest of the conversation for a few minutes, his mind focused on management and the band. the boys had all been talking about going on a break after their next album, but louis starts worrying about what a break could mean. most of the time when people in a relationship say they're going on a break, they never get back together. louis doesn't want that to happen. as much as it's tearing him apart, the band is everything to louis. he would be nothing without it. he doesn't know what he would do if they never reunited. 

"what's going to happen with the band?" louis finally dares to ask. "i don't want us to break up."

"me too," niall agrees. "i think we can all agree that we need a break," there are mumbles of agreement amongst the other three boys. "but, i don't want this next album to be the end of us. i feel like i'm finally starting to find my voice. management is finally starting to be okay with me."

"yeah same. of course i still have my off days, but i think i'm finally starting to get a little more confident on stage," louis admits, the alcohol allowing him to be more open, but also make him have to fight back the tears. "the buildup to the show kills me and i always get so nervous, but when i'm on stage, it's like i'm a different person. i've really grown to love performing, even with it being so nerve-wracking. i definitely think we need to take a break and then come back stronger than ever. i don't want to be over. as shitty as everything can be, i don't know what i'd do without this."

"don't worry, tommo. we're one direction. nothing is going to stop us," liam states. "maybe we'll even sign on with a different management. they're the reasons we even need this break."

the boys all nod in agreement. they have a shared hatred towards modest! management. 

"so you all promise the hiatus won't be too long?" louis asks nervously. "please?" he quietly begs. 

"promise," harry responds. niall and liam make their promises as well. 

louis rests his head on harry's shoulder. his eyelids start to feel heavy. he curls up more into harry, latching onto his side like a koala. 

"are you getting tired, my sunflower?" harry asks. he is quite experienced with drunk louis. he will always be fun and happy for a while, then he'll get pretty emotional right before he crashes. louis drank a lot tonight in a short time period, so this crash is a bit sooner than usual, but harry was expecting it. he's been keeping an eye on louis all night. 

louis nods his head sleepily. harry pulls himself to his feet, struggling a bit because louis is still attached to his side. he carries louis to the bed and gently puts him down. 

"lou and i get the bed. you two can stay on the pullout couch," harry says to liam and niall. "unless you want to go back to your rooms," he adds, just in case. 

liam and niall decide to stay. they fumble a bit to get the couch to turn into a bed due to their drunken state, but they eventually get there after several loud bangs and swearing. miraculously, they avoid waking louis up.

"night boys. love you all," niall sleepily mumbles as curls into his pillow next to liam. 

harry and liam respond with a tired, "i love you too." liam and niall fall asleep pretty quickly, but harry stays awake for a while. 

he can't stop thinking about his husband and how broken he has seemed over the past few weeks. harry would do whatever he would need to take louis' pain away.


	7. Chapter 7

march 26, 2015. indonesia. 

louis wakes up to a pounding headache and his stomach churning. for a moment, he forgets what happened the night before, and allows himself a moment to continue holding onto harry. 

his moment of bliss does not last long enough. as louis glances around the room, eyes squinting from the light, his eye catches liam and niall curled up on the pullout sofa. suddenly, the events of the previous day come rushing back to him, and he jumps out of bed and rushes to the toilet to be sick. 

louis feels a large hand on his back as he empties his stomach into the toilet. 

"fuck, i drank a lot last night, didn't i?" louis voice comes out all raspy and sore. 

"yeah, you did," harry nods, "but i don't think you were much worse than niall or liam."

"that's good to hear. i drank as much as the irishman," louis finally pulls away from the toilet and flops himself against the bathtub. "and you?" he wonders. 

harry shrugs. "i didn't drink too much. thought i should stay somewhat level-headed in case things got too crazy around here."

"lucky you," louis mumbles. "i feel like shit."

harry gets up from the bathroom floor and returns a minute later with a bottle of painkillers he grabbed from his suitcase. he offers the bottle to louis, who takes it gratefully. 

louis pops a few pills into his mouth and swallows them dry. "i need to brush my teeth."

harry grabs his hand and helps louis to his feet. he stumbles a little over to the sink, but harry keeps supporting him. 

louis and harry brush their teeth together, louis thankful to get the taste of vomit out of his mouth. once their teeth are cleaned, louis pulls harry into a deep morning kiss. 

"i love you," harry whispers into the kiss. 

louis' face breaks out into a smile. "i love you too." 

they exit the bathroom and head back over to the bed. louis collapses back onto it, his head still pounding from the hangover. "please tell me i don't have to get on a plane today," louis begs, never keeping up to which days they have to travel. 

harry shakes his head. "tomorrow."

"thank god," louis sighs, pulling harry into his arms. 

louis finally starts to drift back to sleep again when he hears a "shit" coming from liam and the sound of footsteps rushing to the bathroom. 

"i forgot they were here," louis admits.

"that's low, tommo," niall mutters from the couch. he can hold his liquor best out of the group, but louis can tell even he is feeling the effects from the night before. they deserved it, though. they needed a night where they could be happy and forget everything that's going on, even if it was through alcohol. 

once louis' headache lessens enough to be bearable, louis pulls himself from the bed, reluctantly letting go of harry. "i'm going to go have a smoke," he mutters. 

louis places a small kiss to harry's head before he grabs his pack of cigarettes and a lighter. he heads out to the balcony. the rest of his band knows and respects that he sometimes needs to have some time to himself. 

louis lights up a cigarette and gives himself some time to think. this has been a really hard time for him, but he has to pretend that everything is fine. he's always been the funny one of the group. he feels as if he has nothing else going for him in the band. he needs to be the one who keeps everyone else together and makes them happy. he's the oldest. he has to protect the other boys. especially harry. 

harry is always so good to him. he always makes louis feel special and knows how to comfort him after a rough day. louis doesn't want to give harry any extra stress. he needs to be the one who is able to stay strong. that's what he's always done. he's always carried the weight of the world so harry could be free and happy. of course there are things louis can't protect him from, but he wishes he could more than anything. he can't stop the fact that they all lost zayn, or that they are overworked, or the fact they can't be out and proud, but louis will take on anything to lighten the burden upon his husband. 

the last thing harry needs is to have to worry about louis, so louis becomes determined to put up a strong appearance for harry. louis can deal with his own pain, but knows he can't let harry feel the same. 

he has to for niall and liam too. niall has always been such a cheery and joyful lad, and louis is determined to keep him that way. he can't let the light flicker out of niall's eyes. liam has always been the one to keep all of the boys in check, and is one of the most loyal people louis has ever met. louis needs to put on his mask and take care of whatever management and the fans throw at them while they recover from zayn's departure. they're about a week away from a month-long break. louis can at least fake it for that long and then he'll be able to spend the break with his husband and his family. 

once louis' cigarette burns out, he decides to not light a new one and go inside instead. he might as well start his plan of cheering the rest of his band up now. 

the rest of the boys are now awake and semi-functioning when louis returns. niall is sleepily climbing out of bed, liam is opening himself a bottle of water, and harry is in the process of getting dressed for the day. 

louis puts his pack and lighter on the bedside table and subtlety places a kiss to harry's bare back, between his shoulder blades. "hi, love," he mumbles. 

harry pulls on his shirt before the other two start complaining and he smiles at his husband. "how are you feeling, darling?" he asks. 

louis chuckles. "it's a hangover. i'll live," he turns his attention to liam and niall. "let's all go for breakfast," he suggests. 

"breakfast?" liam asks. "it's almost noon."

louis shrugs. "brunch then."

"i'm starving," niall moans. "let's go!"

liam and harry nod in agreement and louis smiles. he wants to do something that will bring joy to the group. the boys reluctantly get dressed, knowing they probably shouldn't stay in their clothes that reek of alcohol, and they make their way to a nearby diner. 

some time together sober is what the four boys need right now. they need to do whatever they can to prove how vigorous they are right now, even if they are now missing one fifth of their strength. it's a hard time for all of them, and they all need the support from the other members to get them through. 

their peaceful brunch is interrupted by an alert from their management team. louis reluctantly reads the message they were all sent and let's out a defeated sigh. 

"they want to have a call with all of us in an hour," he informs. "god knows what the hell they want."

"maybe they just want us to do a publicity thing because of zayn," liam suggests hopefully. 

"i guess we'll find out soon," niall responds. 

they quickly and quietly finish their brunch and head back to the hotel so they could prepare themselves for the meeting with modest!. 

surprisingly, when the phone call comes through, simon cowell is on the other end of the line. it is rare that simon would bother with a minor meeting, so they know this can't be good. 

"hello, boys! how are you all doing today?" simon asks in a much too excited and happy tone. 

"we're doing alright simon. yourself?" liam politely responds. 

"good, good," simon answers. "now, the first thing i wanted to discuss was zayn, of course. you all seem like you are doing fine covering for zayn in your concerts. the fans are upset. i think there are some of them that are going to have to leave. that means you will be doing some interviews soon to discuss it and reassure fans that the band won't be changing much."

"because zayn was never allowed to make his own contributions to the songs," louis mutters under his breath, but simon catches on. 

"what was that, mr. tomlinson?" he mocks. "i couldn't quite hear you."

"it's nothing," louis responds shortly. he just wishes for this to be over. 

"thought so. as i said, you are going to have some interviews soon. in those, you are going to say that you regret that zayn left, but you will be continuing as a band and will become stronger because of it. make sure you mention that you will still be releasing a new album at the end of the year," he demands. "you will have more on that when it gets closer.

"now i would like to talk to you about your upcoming break. i expect you will be using your time to work on writing new songs for your new record. we have decided that niall will be going home to ireland, louis and liam will be in london, and harry, you will be in los angeles."

"no, no, no!" louis exclaims in shock, noticing how harry's grip on his hand tightened. "harry and i were going to spend the break together. it's our time off. you can't keep us apart."

"actually, we can. we have set harry up with writing sessions in la which he will be attending," simon responds, sounding bored. 

"then i'll go to la with him," louis insists. 

"you won't," simon says harshly. "you and mr. payne will be writing in london. that is how it will be for two weeks, and then you and mr. styles can spend the rest of your break together before the next leg of your tour. news of you two spending your entire break together is not news we want getting out to the press. is that clear?"

"no it isn't! you control us so much as it is. now you're going to still be controlling us when we're not even working?" louis is now outraged. how can they ruin everything? he and harry has already been planning on writing a few songs together during the break. it is completely unfair that they are still going to be kept from each other. 

"i agree with louis," harry adds, trying to sound a little calmer than louis does. "it's our time off and we were still planning on writing. if we're having time off, we should be able to spend it wherever we want and with whoever we want."

"two weeks. that decision is final." simon growls. "now, any other information will be provided by your touring team. i must be going now. goodbye, boys. it was nice talking to you."

simon hangs up just as louis is about to go into a rant about how ridiculous and controlling they are being, and that they can't keep the couple apart. simon cowell and his colleagues have been trying to keep harry and louis apart for four years and a half years and they have failed. why can't they just accept the fact that they're together and that is not going to change anytime soon?

louis throws his phone onto the table and storms out of the room. harry quickly follows, his eyes brimming with tears. louis if furious over the situation. harry is just heartbroken. 

harry is quickly able to catch up with louis in the hallway due to his much longer leg length. he gently places his hand on louis' shoulder. 

louis turns around and his eyes soften as he looks at his heartbroken husband. louis pulls harry tightly into his arms and allows the younger man to softly cry into his shoulder. this makes louis even more furious. on top of everything that has happened lately, they're now making harry even more upset. louis hates them.

"i'm sorry, love, i'm so sorry," louis tries comforting harry. 

"they can't do this," harry insists. "how can they do this?"

"because they are major fucking assholes who are trying to ruin our lives. they can't get away with this," louis demands. 

"what can we do about it though?"

louis hesitates. the rage he feels is slowly subsiding, until he feels nothing but the pain that harry was struck with immediately. he holds harry even closer, trying to hold back his tears. he has to stay strong for his husband. he needs to be harry's rock that gets him through. 

"i'm not sure, but you know i will be putting up one hell of a fight to them," louis promises. "they won't even know what the wrath of tommo looks like until it's hit them."

harry lets out a small giggle at that image. louis smiles proudly at himself for being able to cheer harry up, even if it is the smallest amount. "even if we can't be together for those two weeks, you can bet that i will be calling you every single day for multiple hours at a time because i'll miss you so much, and then when you finally do get to london, the sex is going to be that much better."

"i'll have to write you some cheesy love songs about how much i miss you and my heart is incomplete without you next to me," harry mentions. 

louis nods in agreement. "you better. liam is going to get so sick of hearing me go on and on about how much i miss getting lost in the forest that is your eyes and how lost i am without you."

"always in my heart, right?"

louis smiles fondly at that, wishing that it would be so easy to express their love, but knowing they could never show it. "i'd do anything to be able to spend the break with you and no one else," he says sadly, dropping the lighthearted facade he was trying to put up earlier. "i need to have a break from everything and everyone. i thought i was going to be able to get that. i was stupid and naive to think that would happen."

"we can still fight them though," harry suggests, noticing louis' sudden change in attitude and trying to take over the defiance louis burned with before. "they can't keep us apart. no matter how much they try. i love you too much for that."

"i love you too," louis takes harry's half in his. "can we deal with this later? i don't know if i can put up with it anymore right now," he asks. 

harry nods. "of course, my sunflower. how about we go back to our room and spend the rest of the day alone?"

louis agrees. "that sounds great. we might as well spend our time together now since we won't be able to during break."

harry sighs, hearing louis' bitterness at those words. he gives louis' hand a gentle squeeze and leads them to their hotel room. 

no words need to be spoken between the two. they already know what the other is feeling, and right now, all they need is to hold each other tight enough that neither can slip away and hope that by some miracle, they will be able to get management to change their minds.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: there is self-harm in this chapter

april 4, 2015. united arab emirates. 

"hi, mum! how is everything? you and the kids all good?" louis happily answers his mum's call a couple hours before their last show before the month-long break. he doesn't get to talk to her as much as he would like, and this call is an unexpected, but pleasant surprise. he quietly kisses harry's cheek and heads outside the venue to get some privacy. once he's outside, he lights a cigarette and smokes as he catches up with his mum. 

"im good, sweetheart! i've missed you. you need to call more often," jay responds. 

louis nods to himself. "i've missed you too. the tour has been crazy lately."

"i can imagine. how have you been doing with zayn gone? i worry about you sometimes."

"don't worry, mum. i'm alright," louis assures her.

"i'm glad to hear that," she smiles to herself. "today is your last show before coming home, right? i expect you and harry to come visit as soon as you get home. we all miss you both."

louis frowns and takes a drag out of his cigarette. her forgot he never told his mum that he and harry would be separated during the break. he didn't want to tell her because they had hoped they could convince management to change their minds, but they were unfortunately unsuccessful. "actually, mum, harry is going to be in la for a couple weeks. we'll come visit one he gets back to england," he promises. 

"did something happen between you?" jay asks, worried.

"no, no. harry and i are good. just management and syco."

"oh, i'm so sorry, dear," jay's heart breaks for her son. she knows that being controlled and closeted by management has really taken a toll on him. "one day you'll be able to be together and be happy. you love him and he loves you. that can never be taken away. they won't be able to keep you away from each other forever."

"we tried to get them to change their mind, but they wouldn't budge," louis sighs. "it is what it is."

"you'll get through it. i know how much it sucks, but you'll be home soon. the kids are so excited to see you when you come back," she assured him. "you'll have a month to relax and be free from them."

"thanks, mum. i'll come visit in a few days, okay? once i get settled back in london." 

jay smiles excitedly. "of course! have a good concert tonight, darling. just hold on. i believe in you."

"i love you, mum. thanks for calling. it really cheered me up," louis puts out his cigarette. "i'll see you soon."

"bye, louis. i love you, too," jay hangs up the phone and louis stays sitting outside for a few minutes. his mum is his lifeline. he knows he can always rely on her to stand up for him and talk him through his struggles. louis knows he would be completely lost without her. his mum and harry are the two most important people in his life, and he hates that he is constantly so physically far from his mum, and management tries to keep him so far from his husband as well.

spirit slightly lifted after talking to his mum, louis heads back inside after only one cigarette, and joins the boys again. 

"mum wants you to visit once you get to london," louis tells harry. "she says she misses you."

"that's the first thing i'll do when i get there," harry confirms. 

"the first thing?" louis asks with an eyebrow raised. "i can think of a better first thing," he flirts.

harry rubs his chin and pretends to think. "hmm, i don't think so. it's been too long since i've seen the girls and ernie."

louis rolls his eyes fondly. he is somehow so in love, he appreciates harry's stupid jokes and bad humor. 

"what about me? does jay want to see me?" liam asks hopefully. 

louis shakes his head. "no, of course not! why would she?"

liam pouts. "what if i marry you? then will she love me?"

"who says i want to marry you?" louis sasses. "and even if i did, i have a jealous husband who looks like he wants to kill you right now for even suggesting it."

liam glances at harry, who is glaring at him. harry possessively puts his arm around louis' shoulder and holds him tightly. louis chuckles at the gesture. 

"are you sure, mate?" liam asks, smirking. "i guarantee i could show you a better time than styles over here."

"don't you have better places to be, liam?" harry growls. "and don't you have a girlfriend?"

"relax, love," louis comforts harry. "you have nothing to worry about," he turns to liam. "of course you can come visit her with me if you want. i'm sure mum would love to see you."

liam beams. "that is the best news i have heard all day."

"yeah, yeah," louis ruffles liam's hair and turns his body towards the door of the dressing room. "we are going to be in the same city over the next two weeks. harry is going to be in a different continent. i think that means you should go join niall doing whatever he's doing so i can have some time alone with my husband," louis suggests. "unless you want to watch."

"you two are disgusting," liam states. 

harry shrugs, not bothered by liam's comment. "you're only saying that because lou and i are on tour together. you and sophia would be worse."

liam rolls his eyes. "whatever, lads. don't be late."

liam exits the dressing room, leaving the couple alone. they make their way over to the small, comfortable couch that is placed in the room. louis sits on the couch and harry takes a seat on his lap, straddling his waist with his long legs. harry softly presses their lips together into a sweet, gentle kiss. 

"i wish your plane wasn't leaving tonight," louis murmurs against harry's lips, not wanting to pull away. 

sadly, harry breaks off the kiss and gazes deeply into louis' eyes, combing his fingers carefully through his soft hair. "i wish that, too. it would have no impact to management if we left on the same day and could have the night night together," harry sighs, not looking forward to his flight to la that was scheduled to leave after the concert tonight. it's not uncommon for management to force them into different planes while traveling, but scheduling their flights on different days when they're not even heading to the same location is a new low for them. 

"you'll text me when you land, right?" louis asks. "even if i'll be sleeping. i'll feel better if i have a text from you letting me know you're safe when i wake up."

"of course, sunflower. i'll spend the whole flight thinking of you."

"you know," louis starts with a mysterious look in his eyes. "this is the last time we're going to see each other for two weeks."

harry raises an eyebrow, knowing where louis is headed with this. "yeah? what do you want to do about it?" he flirts, cheekily grinding his hips down to start to drive louis wild. 

louis pulls harry's lips down to meet his and they begin kissing passionately, lust being funneled through their lips. louis hands reach around to cup harry's perfect bum, moaning into the kiss. 

harry's fingers leave from their spot tangled in louis hair, and make their way to the button of louis jeans. he quickly pops the button open and seductively slides down the zipper, slipping a hand into his boxers, teasing him. 

louis moans loudly, throwing his head back in pleasure. "h, we don't have to much time," he stutters out. "we should try to hurry."

harry places a small, quick kiss to louis lips before pulling his white shirt over his head and sliding his skin-tight jeans off of his legs. he's brings their lips back together and they passionately move together as harry starts pulling down louis' jeans. louis lifts his bum off the couch for a brief moment to make it easier for harry to rid him off his clothing. 

louis hand makes it's way to harry's stomach, and moves gently across the skin, tracing his fingers over the butterfly tattoo he knows by heart. eventually, his hand make its way down until it wraps itself around harry and slowly starts jerking him off. harry moans into louis' mouth, staring to feel overwhelmed by the pleasure. 

after a few minutes of heavy making out and louis touching harry, the younger man pulls away and reluctantly climbs off of louis' lap. he rushes over to his bag that was randomly chucked on the floor near the door of the dressing room. he pulls out a bottle of lube and brings it over to louis. 

wasting no time, louis squirts some of the lube onto his fingers and they make their way over to harry's ass. one at a time, louis pushes his fingers in, very much enjoying the sounds of pleasure coming from harry's mouth as he preps him. 

harry did not require too much prep since it has only been less than twenty four hours since they had last done this, so it wasn't long before louis fingers retreat out of harry's hole and harry grabs the bottle of lube to coat louis' dick with. once thoroughly lubricated, harry lifts himself up and slowly lowers himself back onto louis, moaning as he feels louis start to fill him up.

the pleasure overtake them as harry bounces up and down, expertly riding louis, while louis thrusts up to meet harry's hips. their lips stay connected, the two moaning into each other's mouths, enjoying their time together. as two people who live and work together, more than a couple days apart is rare for them to come across. two weeks is going to be a struggle for them, and they want to be sure to put their time together to good use. 

harry grinds down on louis' making him moan loud enough that their bandmates and crew could hear if they were too close. harry only takes that as encouragement to repeat the action, making louis even more turned on. 

harry isn't much better. he hits his prostate every time he lowers himself onto louis' dick, and knows he won't be able to go for much longer. 

"louis," he moans out. "lou, i'm close."

"me too," louis responds. "let go, harry," he orders. 

on command, harry reaches his climax, shortly followed by louis. once they're both finished, with louis still inside of him, harry leans forward and tightly wraps his arms around louis, burying his face in his shoulder. 

"i'm going to miss you," his eyes begin watering. "i love you so, so much."

louis reciprocates the hug, holding onto harry just as tightly. "i'm going to miss you too, love. my right hand is not nearly as satisfying."

harry playfully slaps louis' chest. "oh, shut up," he places a kiss on louis' collarbone. "it's going to be really hard to be away from you for so long."

"i know, i know. promise you'll call every day?"

harry nods. "you'd be crazy if you thought i wouldn't call at least twice. you're going to hear more from me than if we were actually together," he vows. 

"i'll hold you to that," louis lightly taps harry's bum. "you should probably get up before someone comes in here."

harry groans in annoyance, but complies, feeling the discomfort as louis slides out of him. he winces as he stands up. 

louis chuckles at him and stands up as well. he glances down at his now dirty shirt. "i guess i need to change now."

louis walks over to the clothes rack and selects a new shirt. glancing over his shoulder to make sure harry isn't paying attention, he quickly slides off his shirt and pulls the new one onto his body. he then grabs the pair of boxers and jeans he was wearing before and pulls those on, which were discarded early enough to stay clean. he tosses his dirty shirt to harry, which he uses to wipe off his stomach, before pulling on the clothes he was wearing before, as those are still clean too. 

louis chucks the shirt into the laundry bag that is usually for the clothes they wear and sweat through during their performance. he gives harry one last kiss before they exit their dressing room, hand in hand.

as they exit, they run into paul, who rushes them over to the sound technicians to get their earpiece and microphones. after that, lou rushes to fix their sex hair, and they are sent off on stage. 

besides harry's sore arse, the concert goes great. the crowd was so energetic, and the boys enjoy their last performance for a month. as much as they all need to rest for a little while, all four of them love to be on stage and interacting with fans, and are already looking forward to being on stage again. 

unfortunately though, harry has to leave the venue shortly after the concert finishes. the rest of the boys are staying in the tour bus overnight before their flights early the next morning, but they all have to say their goodbyes to harry now. 

louis latched his arms around harry's body the moment they stepped off the stage and has refused to let go. he doesn't want harry to leave. 

they stay in each other's arms until paul comes by and tells harry that he has to get going. harry pulls away from louis to give liam and niall each a quick hug, before going straight back to louis. 

"i'll text you as soon as i land," he promises. "i'm going to miss you so much. i'll call every day."

"i love you, harry. i can't wait until you can come home," louis' eyes start to water. harry puts his large hand on louis' cheeks and uses his thumb to wipe a stray tear from his face. 

"i love you, too. we'll be back together soon," he gently kisses louis forehead, before finally having to separate from him. he turns to liam with a stern look on his face. "you better look after him," he orders. 

liam nods. "of course. he's my best friend too."

"don't get too friendly," harry threatens. he climbs in the car set to take him to the airport and watches louis waving at him through the window. he blows louis a kiss and watches a small smile cross his face through the tears. he watches louis beautiful face get smaller and smaller until it finally vanishes and harry is left alone. 

once harry's car is out of sight, louis turns to go back into the venue, fighting back his tears. he decides to take a quick shower in the dressing room before heading onto the tour bus, which thankfully is in no rush to leave. 

he turns the shower on and sits down on the toilet, sobbing while waiting for the water to warm up. he strips himself of his shirt and studied the many scars littering his body. all of louis blades are on the tour bus, so instead of cutting, he has to resort to scratching at his skin and picking open the cuts that has barely begun healing. 

louis hates that harming himself has become part of his daily routine for the past few months, but he doesn't regret the comfort he finds in the pain. for some sick reason, he enjoys the way his cuts look and how happy it makes him feel to run his fingers across his skin and feel the raised lines and scabs on his skin. 

he climbs into the shower that is set to be way too hot, but doesn't bother fixing it to wash away the sweat and blood he accumulated over the night. 

he doesn't take too long to wash himself off, and before he knows it, he's back on the tour bus, in his lonely bunk. he holds onto a pillow, wishing it was harry and occasionally sips from a bottle of beer. he hears liam and niall having a conversation just a few feet away, but he can't bring himself to join them. instead, he just drinks and stares blankly at the curtain separating him from the rest of the world. 

there are only fourteen more days until he can see his harry again. louis sure hopes those days go by fast.


	9. Chapter 9

april 6, 2015. england.

"i honestly can't believe you talked me into staying up until 3 am to talk to you," harry's sleepy voice comes out through the bluetooth speaker in louis' car. 

"hey, it was perfect timing!" louis defends himself. "what better thing to do during a three hour drive than talk to my beautiful, loving husband?"

"you're very lucky i love you," harry tells him. "as soon as you are at your mum's, i'm going to sleep. i'll call you tonight so i can say hi to jay and everyone."

louis puts on his blinker and exits the highway, nearing his childhood home in doncaster. he's going to be spending the night, and liam is coming up to visit tomorrow, before they both head back to london. louis is so excited to see his family for the first time since the tour started, and had the genius idea to get harry to keep him company during the drive. of course, harry pretended to be upset about the late night, but he was thrilled to have the three hours that it took louis to drive from london to donny to talk to his husband. 

"they'll love that," louis smiles. "it's going to be weird to visit them without you. it's been a while."

"yeah," harry agrees. "we're going to have to visit my mum and robin too. maybe gemma will even come around. we should make a list of everything we have to do when i get to england."

"of course. we'll do anything you want," louis moment of joy doesn't last long. "i really miss you."

"i miss you too, sunflower," harry replies without missing a beat. "being here without you is like i'm waking up to only half a blue sky. kinda there, but not quite," he quotes. 

louis chuckles. "i'm walking around with just one shoe, i'm half a heart without you," he continues. "dork."

"hey, you love me!" harry defends himself. "twelve days. then i'm never letting you go again."

"i'll hold you to that," louis promises. "i'm almost there now, love. you should probably get some sleep. we really pushed your 8:30 bedtime today."

"oh shut up," harry chuckles. "enjoy your time with your family. i love you."

"i love you. promise you'll text when you wake up?" louis asks. 

harry nods even though louis can't see him. "of course. i'll talk to you soon."

"okay. i love you."

harry says ones last, "i love you, too," before hanging up the phone. louis spend the last few minutes of his drive in silence, not bothering to turn on the radio, already missing the sound of his husband's sweet voice. 

finally, louis pulls up in front of his childhood home, a grin breaking out on his face as soon as he sees his mum sitting outside with the biggest smile on her face. 

louis hurries to put his range rover in park and turn off the engine, not even bothering to lock his doors before he runs into jay's arms, letting her hold him like she would when he was a kid. he finds so much comfort from being in his mum's arms, he wishes he could stay like this and have her protect him forever. 

"hi, mum," louis says as he finally breaks away from the hug.

"louis, darling," jay joyfully exclaims. "how are you?"

"better now that i'm here," louis answers. "how are you? how are the kids?"

"all eagerly awaiting your arrival," jay grabs louis' hand and leads him inside. 

he is instantly hit with the comforting scent of his childhood home. the beige colored walls in the hallway take him back to an easier time. back when he was 18 and only had to be concerned with getting into uni and being at home to help his mum take care of his younger sisters. he was free then. he was able to express himself and didn't have a care in the world. he didn't have to worry about what people thought of him. he got to see his family every day and just had a normal life. there are times where he wishes things were still like that. it would still be like that if he never auditioned for the x factor. 

those thoughts quickly leave louis' mind when he thinks about harry. if he never auditioned for the x factor, he wouldn't have ended up with harry. he makes everything worth it. all that he misses when he's on tour or fighting with management doesn't matter because at the end of the day, he gets to go to bed with the most caring, supportive, and kind-souled person he has ever met. 

as louis walks to the living room with his mum, he spots a picture hanging on the wall. it's the photo that jay so excitedly took on the day the band was formed. he pauses for a moment to gaze at it. all five of them looked so young and full of life, and had some pretty bad haircuts. their eyes were gleaming with excitement and hope for their future. now when louis sees photos of the band, he sees dull, tired eyes attached to only four young men who are stuck trying to fake their happiness for the world. it's crazy to think that the first picture was not even five years ago. 

when jay notices he stopped to look at the photo, she gently puts her hand on his back. "we are all so proud of you, you know that right? no matter what happens. we've believed in you since day one. you have always made me so proud to be your mother."

louis' eyes break away from the photo and look back to his mum. "thank you," he says, unsure of how to express the extent of his gratitude. 

louis finally enters the living room, where he is nearly tackled to the ground by lottie and fizzy. he tightly hugs them back, so glad to be back with his sisters. once they separate, louis hugs phoebe and daisy. "you have grown so much! i've missed you!" he exclaims, ruffling daisy's hair.

after his greetings to the girls, he finally gets to head over to see his youngest siblings, doris and ernest, who are busy playing with some toys on the ground. he gasps when he sees them. "what did you do to my babies?" he asks his mum. "they're huge! these aren't my ernest and doris!"

he scoops them both into his arms and hugs them. they're over a year old now, and it breaks louis' heart that he's so rarely able to see them. he was always such a huge part of his other siblings' lives, and it upsets him that the twins probably barely recognize him. he reluctantly lets them out of his hug. he wishes he could hold on to their childhood innocence and be able to take care of them and protect them, like a good big brother.

"why don't we all go out to the garden for a while before lunch?" jay suggests. "dan will be home in a couple hours."

louis picks up doris while jay carries ernest, and the large family makes their way outside. both sets of twins head off to play, while louis, jay, lottie, and fizzy take a seat at their outdoor table. 

"it's been too long since we've seen you, lou. how's tour?" lottie asks. 

"busy," louis responds. "we had to make a lot of changes to keep the harmonies and everything sounding right without zayn and sometimes it's easy to forget that my part in a song changed."

"have you spoken to him?" jay wonders. "how is he doing?"

louis shrugs. "i talked to him like a week ago. he hasn't really been responding to any of our texts. i think he needs some space right now. it's a lot to get adjusted to."

"such a shame," jay frowns. "you two were always so close."

"oh well," louis says nonchalantly, trying to mask how much the lack of communication with zayn was actually hurting him. "it is what it is. it's what's best for him."

"what about harry?" fizzy asks. "how is he doing?"

a wide smile crosses louis' face. "he's doing good. he misses you all. he wants to call later tonight to say hi to everyone."

jay's face lights up. "oh, that would be wonderful!" she exclaims. "he's a part of this family. we would love to speak to him."

one thing that louis is so ridiculously thankful for is how supportive his family is. harry means the world to him. the fact that his family has so openly accepted him as one of them means so much to louis. 

he is so often told by fans or sees tweets that are from young queer people who aren't accepted by their families and have to live without their support and love, or people who are too scared to come out because they know that would be an automatic ticket out the door. louis is so thankful that he was lucky enough to have such a great family, and find a partner who loves him and he loves back. he almost feels guilty for still hating himself so much and hating the fact he's gay when he has so much more privilege than so many others. 

"we're planning on visiting harry's family and then coming to visit here again after harry gets back to london," louis tells them, pushing his thoughts aside. 

lottie and fizzy almost jump in excitement. "we're going to see harry soon? that's amazing!" fizzy exclaimed. 

"you better not be more excited to see him than you are to see me," louis defends himself. "i was the one who babysat you and changed your diapers. not harry."

"oh shut up, lou," lottie playfully his her brother's arm. "obviously we're more excited to see harry."

"mum, lottie is being mean to me," louis whines. 

jay rolls her eyes. "i thought at least one of my children would outgrow this by now," she says exasperatedly, although louis can tell she doesn't mean it. 

"enough about me," louis decides. "how is school going?" he asks his sisters curiously. 

"there's a new guy in my class," lottie begins, excitedly. "he's so dreamy and kind. i think he has a girlfriend, though," she frowns at the end. 

"good," louis states. "you don't need any boys. boys are bad news."

lottie scoffs. "you're in a relationship with a boy! you're not one to talk."

"doesn't matter. i'm older. it doesn't apply to me," louis says, sassily. "anyways, harry is a man, so it doesn't even count."

lottie childishly sticks her tongue out at her older brother. 

"my geography teacher is trying to sabotage my grade," fizzy says to change the topic away from her bickering siblings. 

jay sighs. she has heard this conversation way too many times already. "he's not sabotaging your grade, sweetheart. he's just a harsh grader and was looking for something different than what you turned in," she explains again. 

"he gave me a d on a paper that i should have gotten at least a b on, but probably an a!" fizzy exclaims. "how am i supposed to stay top of my class if i'm getting bad marks that i don't deserve?"

"don't worry, fiz. i'm proud of you regardless of what your marks are," louis pulls his younger sister into a comforting hug. "one bad mark isn't going to kill you. i failed my a levels and it means nothing now."

"well you're different," fizzy counters. "not all of us are going to grow up to be global superstars."

"that's fair, that's fair," louis holds his hands up in defeat. "still, it doesn't matter. you're one of the smartest people i know. if this geography teacher doesn't see that, then it's his problem, not yours."

jay smiles at the interaction between her children. she loves how well they get on and how close their relationship is, no matter how long louis is away for. "louis, come inside and help me make lunch," she requests. "can you two please stay out and watch the twins?" she asks lottie and fizzy. they all agree and louis follows his mother inside. 

louis grabs some vegetables from the refrigerator to cut up a salad and jay begins making some sandwiches. they work in silence for a minute before jay speaks up. 

"how are you doing, louis?" she asks. 

"i'm doing okay," he responds, slightly confused from the random question. 

jay puts down the slice of break she was holding and turns to face her son. "you know what i mean, darling. i can see that you're struggling. i'm your mum. i can tell that your eyes look sad."

louis shakes his head. "it's nothing to worry about. the band is just tiring," he tries to convince her. 

"louis, you're my son. i will always be here for you," she pleads. "i'm worried about you. you've changed from the happy boy i sent off on the x factor. you always brought so much light everywhere you went. you're like the sun. always doing whatever you can to brighten everyone else's day. that light in your eye is fading. you are still the generous and selfless boy i have always known, but you don't have the joy in you that you're always spreading to other people. you deserve to be happy."

louis hand begins to tremble slightly as he cuts the vegetables while listening to his mother's words. "i promise i'll be alright, mum. i've just felt low lately," he swears. "everything is pretty rough right now and it's not the easiest to get up every day and deal with whatever is going to get thrown at me. the band is going to be taking a hiatus after this next record. i'll be better then."

"are you sure, lou? that is still several more months away. if you need anything, please come to me. or harry. or anyone. we all love you and i wish i had my happy lou back," jay almost begs. 

louis almost feels guilty about keeping so much from her, but he can't burden her with his problems. she has a job and six kids at home that she needs to take care of. she has friends and her husband that she needs to spend time with. she's a busy woman. louis doesn't want to add more to her plate than she already has. 

louis is also worried about how she would react. he has always been a fairly private person. the thought of his true feelings coming out is something that terrifies him, and even if he did want to talk to her about it, he would have no idea how to even start the conversation. this is why he keeps himself closed off from his family, husband, and bandmates. it's easier to deal with everything by himself. 

"i just wish i had more time to call you when i'm away," louis finally says after a minute of thinking. 

"oh, honey," jay pulls louis into her arms. "i'm always here for you. i don't care if it's the middle of the night. if you need me, you call. no matter what."

louis nods against his mum's chest, clinging onto her. he bites back tears, not wanting to give jay even more reason to worry. something about being here in this house and in his mum's strong arms, makes him feel like he's a child again. he feels helpless like he did when he was seeking comfort after having a bad dream or watching a scary movie. but now, instead of protecting him from imaginary monsters, louis needs to be shielded from the horrors of real life. 

"please never let me go, mum," louis begs in desperation. "please save me."

jay rubs louis' back and hold him even tighter. "you're never alone, my love. i'll always be here to save you."


	10. Chapter 10

april 14, 2015. london.

"alright, tommo," liam begins during his and louis' writing session with jamie scott. "yesterday, we wrote using my inspiration. today, it's all you. nothing too cheesy though."

louis rolls his eyes at liam. "you know, i was going to suggest something else, but because of that statement, we're going to write a love song to harry, and i want you to be the one to sing it to him," he pauses to think for a moment before changing his mind. "actually, never mind. i'd get too jealous."

liam groans. "harry this, harry that," he mocks playfully. "i can't even get a break from him when he's not even here."

"oh piss off, payno. every time you complain will only be making it worse for yourself."

"you're in love. i know. and so does literally everyone else. you're not subtle, mate. do you know how many times i've caught you eye-fucking mr. harry styles in interviews and on stage?" liam jokes. "it's a miracle that not everyone knows."

louis shrugs. "not my problem. you should feel lucky that harry distracts me so often. imagine how much i'd fuck you up without his distraction. you might see some of that today."

liam's body involuntarily shivers at the thought. he gets enough water poured on him as it is. "you're right. the full force of tommo needs to be toned down. you definitely need harry to control you."

jamie scott, the writer the two are currently working with played a few chords on his guitar, waiting for them to stop arguing, finding some amusement in their friendly banter. finally, louis begins discussing his ideas for the song. 

"so, i wanted to write about harry, shocker there," he begins with a chuckle. "i wanted to write about coming out in a way and finding the person who makes you feel right and whole, kinda like they're home. he makes me feel like home," louis explains, a small smile on his face as he thinks about his husband. 

"that's actually a pretty good line," jamie notes. he hums a short melody. "make this feel like home."

"i was stumbling looking in the dark with an empty heart, but you say you feel the same. could we ever be enough? baby we could be enough," louis softly sings as he picks at his guitar strings a little. 

"that's genius!" liam exclaims. "how about we have that melody go a little more like this?" he sings the notes to a slightly different melody that sounds even better than how louis sang it. 

"it's alright calling out for somebody to hold tonight," louis writes as his mind drifts off to harry. harry is the reason he is comfortable with himself at all. with all that management has put him through, harry has been the one who makes him feel alright and guides him out of the darkness his mind loves to put him in. "when you're lost i'll find a way i'll be your light. you'll never feel like you're alone."

"i'll make this feel like home," jamie finishes. 

the trio work through the song until they are left with a finished product titled home that louis is very proud of. he walks out of the writing session with liam feeling accomplished and happy. 

"that was a good one you wrote today, mate," liam praises. "it definitely could be a fan favorite."

louis beams. "thanks, payno. i really liked it too. i think songwriting is the thing i'm kind of decent at."

liam nudges his shoulder. "don't put yourself down like that. you're great at writing, just like you're great at singing. the band would be screwed without you."

louis shrugs. "maybe," he replies. both boys know he doesn't believe it though. the two walk in silence for a few minutes, heading to a local park where they can play some footie for a few minutes before going their separate ways. louis pulls the football out of his bag and kicks it towards liam, who kicks it back. 

"do you think harry will like it?" louis' question breaks their silence. as much as louis likes the song, it would all be taken away if the person he wrote it for didn't. 

"i think harry is going to love it," liam answers without hesitation. "you know, he's always really proud of you. i can see it in the way he looks at you when you're not paying attention. he looks at you like you're the fucking world, mate. that kid has been practically idolizing you since you met."

louis stares down at his feet as a blush creeps across his face. he doesn't know what to say, so he keeps quiet and liam continues. 

"i've never seen two people more in love than you and harry. you make it so obvious," liam rambles, dribbling the football with his feet. "harry's smile is always biggest when he's with you and the only time your smile really reaches your eyes is when you're with him or talking about him. it's honestly disgustingly cute. i don't think there could be anyone else better for either of you. sometimes when you're not even around he'll just be going on and on to niall, zayn, and i about your eyes and the way your lips feel against his and that one day he wants to have fifty kids with you, and some of it is details i don't really want to be hearing about my best mate, but it's endearing anyway. you two make me believe in true love."

louis' face is now bright red and he is grinning from ear to ear. "thanks, lad. means a lot," he finally says, so grateful to have harry, but also to have such great friends, like liam and niall. "i sometimes wish i could be more for him, or he deserves someone better than me. he deserves someone he can boast around, not me who he has to hide and be with in secret," he admits. 

liam shakes his head. "no way. that doesn't mean anything to him. he loves you no matter what and just wants to be with you. he might be your home, but you're his home to."

louis shrugs, not saying anything, starting to feel too shy to keep talking about his relationship. "how's sophia?" he asks instead. "you haven't mentioned her too much lately."

liam sighs, a sad look appearing on his face. "you and harry is what i wish we had," he frowns. "we're drifting apart. i don't know if i love her anymore. i don't know if it's being on tour or what, but i don't think we're going to last."

louis' face drops. "i'm so sorry, liam! i had no idea. have you talked to her about it?"

"i'm honestly too afraid to," he admits. "she probably feels the same, i've noticed that she reaches out to me less than she used to too, but she's been a staple in my life for so long, you know? i guess i'm scared to change that."

"look mate, if you're not happy with her anymore, i think you have to break it off. there's no one who deserves to be happy more than you do," louis comforts. "maybe if you talk it out, things will get better. or it'll be better once we take our hiatus and you'll be able to have that year or so to work on that relationship. or you could find someone else that's better for you and will make you as happy as both of you deserve. you and sophia are both too great people to be in a relationship where you're not happy. you're such a great guy, payno. hell, maybe i would date you if i was single. you deserve someone great. you'll be able to figure it out."

"yeah, maybe. we'll see how it goes," liam's voice is soft, clearly not wanting to talk about it anymore, so louis drops the topic. they fall quiet, just listening to the sounds of their feet contacting the ball and the background chatter of the other people in the park, who miraculously haven't noticed or recognized liam or louis. 

louis hears the text tone from his phone, so he traps the football under his foot and pulls out his phone. it is a text from harry, who sent him the audio to their song, right now, with a caption saying, "i miss and love you!"

louis grins at his phone, his heart warming at the cheesy message harry sent him. it's early in la right now. harry probably sent that as soon as he woke up. louis is happy to see that harry is still thinking about him, even though they're so far apart. 

louis searches through his phone to find the audio of no control, which he sends to harry, saying, "love and miss you too! ;)" he sends the message and puts his phone away, turning his focus back to the football and liam.

"so, i talked to niall last night," liam mentioned, kicking the ball too far to louis' left, making him have to dive after it. 

"oh yeah?" louis asks, curiously. "how is he?"

"drunk off his ass," liam laughs. "he seems to be doing good. happy to be with his family, that i know."

"it sucks. he gets to see them even less often than we do, and i wish i could see my mum so much more often than i do," louis says, sympathetically. 

liam nods in agreement. "we'll be with them more once the band goes on hiatus."

"hiatus," louis repeats softly. he sits down on the grass and lays back, soaking up the sun that is relatively strong for the middle of april. liam joins him on the ground. 

"talk to me, mate."

"i'm worried about the hiatus," louis murmurs. "i don't know what we should expect. we haven't slowed down in nearly five years. i don't want to lose everything. our friendships. the fans. what if it causes a strain on me and harry?"

liam rubs louis' shoulder to comfort him. "i think you're overthinking it. it's normal for artists to take breaks. most artists don't record records every year while still on tour. it's not like we'll be breaking up. and even if we did break up, all of you are my best mates. nothing will change that."

"how can you be sure? have you heard from zayn lately?" louis asks skeptically. liam stays silent. "exactly. it's been less than a month. what if the band is the only thing holding us together?"

"that's something we'll always have. no matter what," liam assures. "we went through all of this together. that's not going to just go away. i'm sure zayn has a reason for what he's doing."

louis hums softly in response. "have you ever thought about making solo music?"

liam shrugs. "not sure. maybe if the right song came around. have you?"

louis quickly shakes his head. "don't think i'd be able to make it on my own. i'll definitely want to keep writing during the hiatus. even if i don't go to write professionally, i want to keep doing it. probably won't make any of my own music though."

"i don't think you know how incredibly talented you are, tommo," liam states seriously. "you're the best writer in the band and your vocals are so unique and clear, you would kill it as a solo artist."

"thanks, lad," louis blushes. 

he pulls himself off of the grass and back onto his feet. he reaches out a hand and helps liam up. "i have to get home to call harry soon," he explains. "we've set up our times so we can talk for a while after we write and before he has to get to his sessions."

liam smiles at him. "of course! go get your man. tell him i said hi," liam pats louis on the back and gathers his belongings. 

louis grabs his football and shoves it back into his bag, hoping the grass stuck to it doesn't cause any damage to his journals that he uses to write. "i'll see you in a few days. are we going to the studio or back to jamie's flat?"

"i think the studio. i'll let you know if otherwise."

"thanks, mate," louis pulls liam into a hug, which liam happily returns. 

"see you, tommo," they break away from the hug and go in their separate directions. luckily, the park is close to louis and harry's home, so it's not too long of a walk for him. liam on the other hand has to walk back to jamie's house to pick up his car to drive to his flat which is farther into the heart of the city. 

when louis arrives back at his house, he kicks off his shoes and socks before making his way into the kitchen. searching through the fridge. he decides on a couple slices of cold, leftover pizza and a beer as an early dinner for when he calls harry. he pulls his laptop out of his bag and opens skype, eagerly waiting harry's call.

less than a minute later, louis has an incoming call from harry, which he instantly answers. harry's grinning face fills the screen. his face is getting a little more tanned than usual from the la sun and his hair is up in a bun. 

"hi, lou!" harry exclaims happily. 

"hey, love," louis responds with a smile. "liam wanted me to tell you that he says hi."

harry laughs. "next time you see him, please let him know that i say hi too."

louis rolls his eyes. "who am i? hermes?"

"exactly. glad you know now, darling. how was your day?"

"i wrote you a song," louis grins widely.

harry raises an eyebrow. "oh really? good things, i hope."

"of course good things. although, maybe not if it was up to liam," he adds. 

"do i get to hear it?" harry asks. 

louis shakes his head. "not yet. maybe i'll play it for you when you get to london. or maybe you'll have to wait. i haven't decided yet."

"oh come on," harry begs. "i'm your favorite husband. you should play me the song."

"who says you're my favorite?" louis asks, pretending to be shocked, but failing when he sees the pout on harry's face. "love you,"

harry scoffs. "yeah whatever, love you too."

"so how is america treating you? you went out with kendall last night, right?" louis asks, trying to hold back his jealousy. 

harry nods. "yeah. it was kendall and a few of her friends. they were all super nice. next time you're in la we should go out with them together. i think they'd like you," harry rambles excitedly. 

as much as he tries to bury it, louis can't hide the feeling of worthlessness that is building up in the pit of his stomach. harry should be out with his friends, partying and having a good time, not worrying about him. louis is holding him back. louis pushes the thoughts aside for now and turns his attention back to his husband's smiling face and takes a long sip from his beer. "yeah, that sounds good," he says casually, silently fighting what the voices in his head are telling him. 

harry notices that louis' mood changed. "are you alright, sunflower?"

louis nods. "of course," he replies with a smile. 

"okay, if you say so," harry says cautiously. "i'll be home in three days. i miss you a lot."

louis smiles. "i miss you too. you probably have to get ready to go soon. i'll talk to you later?" he asks.

"of course. text me if you need anything," he pleads. "i'll be back with you before you know it."

"i love you, h."

"i love you too," harry frowns when louis hangs up the call. he can tell that something has been going on with his husband lately. he doesn't know what's wrong, but he knows there is something. harry just hopes he'll be able to pull him back together when he gets home.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: suicide attempt and homophobia

april 16, 2015. england. california. 

the ringing of louis' phone pulls his attention away from the movie that he had been invested in, as of harry's recommendation. he groans in displeasure as he pauses the tv and grabs his phone, seeing that the call is from none other than simon cowell. louis’ heart starts racing, concerned about what simon could possibly be calling him for right now. 

"what do you need, simon? we are supposed to have the month off." louis questions as he answers the phone. "is there something wrong?"

"how have you been enjoying the break, mr. tomlinson?" simon responds, ignoring louis' question. "i'm hoping you have found it productive."

"i guess. liam and i have done some writing. we wrote a new song a couple days ago that i really like. it's called home."

"i look forward to hearing it," simon responds simply. 

louis sighs. "what is it that you actually want? i know you're not calling me to catch up."

"right you are," he answers. "as you are probably aware, mr. styles was supposed to travel back to london in two days time."

"of course. i've been counting the days."

"yes, well, he is no longer coming to london."

louis feels his heart shatter. "what?" he asks in shock. 

"mr. styles will be staying in la for the remainder of the break."

louis shakes his head to himself. "what are you talking about? you told us he would come back in two weeks."

simon is unsympathetic. "we have changed our minds. mr. styles is working well with the writers in la, so we decided that he should stay there and work with them for longer."

"he's my husband," louis insists. "we were supposed to have this time together. maybe if you stopped trying to keep us apart when we're working, it would be okay if we were separated for a little while, but you and the rest of your stupid team can't accept the fact that we're together and insist on doing everything you can to make our lives hell!" he rants. 

simon lets out a soft chuckle. "it doesn't matter. your relationship was never worth anything anyway. he's harry styles. he can do so much better than a little gay boy who is so desperate to be loved he can't accept that harry would be happier with anyone else."

"you're wrong," louis' eyes start to water. "you know nothing about our relationship."

"that's true. i don't know about your relationship, but i do know about you. i know that you are damaged and worthless and harry would be much better off without you. he could easily find himself a very nice woman. he's probably learning that for himself from this time away from you. you're the least important one in the band. harry is who everyone cares about. why would he be with you?" simon cruelly asks. 

"shut up," louis mutters, hoping he could use enough sarcasm to make himself seem strong. "you're just jealous that no one has ever loved you. that doesn't mean you can try to sabotage my relationship."

"your sexuality is ruining the band's image. boyband members can't be gay. everyone knows that," simon says as if he was talking to a child. “you remember that little chat we had when you came to california that time?”

louis gulps nervously, the horrible memory rushing back into his mind. 

"mr. styles is fine. women love him enough and it passes with him. it doesn't with you. you can't be gay. now that you no longer have a girlfriend, all of the gay rumors are starting back up and we can't have that. there is still a while before we can get you a new girlfriend for publicity, so it's more important than ever to keep the gay rumors to a minimum. especially since mr. malik left the band, it's horrendous for the band's image."

simon pauses for a second, taking a deep breath as if he is pretending to be thoughtful and helpful. louis is too busy biting back sobs to say anything. he doesn't want to seem weak in front of simon. 

"you don't know what true love is, louis. i'm very sorry about that. what you and mr. styles have is lust. you were just a boy, mr. tomlinson. you don't have the life experiences to know. you trapped yourself and mr. styles into this thing that you think is love and never gave him or yourself the opportunity to experience anything else."

"you can't treat me like this," louis states, trying to go the professional route. "it's completely inappropriate to talk to your client like this."

"what are you going to do about it? i hold your entire career in my hand. you'd be nothing without me. no one else would sign you. go ahead and defy me. just one word and you’re over," he dares. "the rest of your bandmates might be able to be a success solo, but syco is all you will ever have, mr. tomlinson. your career would be over without us. i have a meeting to go to now. it was nice talking to you."

just as louis is about to release a string of angry words, the line goes dead. louis places his phone onto the table and crumples to the ground on his knees. the sobs he was holding back the entire conversation let themselves out all at once. never has louis ever felt so low about himself. 

he knows simon has nothing to do with and has no knowledge about his and harry's love for each other, but his words get to him. he's right. harry probably would be happier with someone else, but he's trapped in this marriage with louis, so he's unable to discover that. louis is the least important one in the band. how could someone like harry fall for him?

louis doesn't deserve harry, and he doesn't deserve the band. he's lucky that simon chose him for the band, because he would be nothing without it. he wasn't good enough, so simon chose him to be a face in a boyband that happened to get popular. he knew he wasn't good enough from the start. he never got solos and barely got to sing. he was basically just a tool that could be manipulated and marketed in the way that management and syco wanted in order to sell more records. 

all louis wants right now is the comfort of his husband, but now he won't see harry for another month. louis starts sobbing even harder, to the point where he struggles to breathe. 

desperately, louis reaches for his phone again and calls the one person he thought would understand everything, zayn. 

louis waits in suspense as the phone rings, and rings, and rings, before going to voicemail. louis hangs up the call and tries calling again, for only the same results. 

he takes one last attempt, hoping that zayn would answer and help him, and thankfully he does. 

"zayn?" louis gasps out between sobs. 

"louis? what do you want?" zayn responds coldly. 

louis is taken aback by his tone. they haven't spoken in almost three weeks, which is the longest they had ever gone without speaking, and now zayn finally answers him like this. "i need you right now, z. i need someone," he begs. 

"look, louis. i want to get past this band," zayn begins to explain, bluntly. "i want to completely separate myself from it."

"you're my best friend! are you seriously going to let that go? i need you right now. please, zayn," louis cries, in disbelief of what he is hearing. 

"look, i know how we both had our bond because of our mental health issues from the band. you're just as fucked up as i am, but i just got out of the band to take care of my problems," zayn sighs. "i can't take on the burden of yours as well."

louis tries to hold back his sobs, no longer feeling comfortable in confiding in his best friend. "are you serious? you're just bailing on me when i need you most?"

"i'm sorry, mate. i just can't do this right now. i want to put my time in one direction behind me. if you can't deal it, i suggest you do the same," zayn hangs up the phone without another word. 

louis throws his phone across the room, not even caring when he hears the screen shatter against the wall. he doesn't know if he's ever felt worse in his life. first he's told how unloveable and worthless he is by his boss and that he isn't going to get the time with his husband that he was promised, and now he's lost his best friend because he is too much of a burden. louis keeps thinking he's already hit the low of his life, but it seems like he brought a shovel and is destined to keep digging. 

louis stumbles to his kitchen, unable to see through his tears, and blindly finds some vodka that he starts chugging from the bottle. he winces at the burning going down his throat, but that doesn't stop him from throwing his head back and gulping down even more of the poison.

normally, alcohol would ease his mind enough to get him through the night, but he doesn't know if that's enough today. he just wants everything to be over. he can't deal with this pain anymore. 

louis pulls himself off the kitchen floor where he somehow ended up, and stumbles over to his bathroom. he throws open his medicine drawer, disappointed to find nothing other than a half-empty bottle of tylenol. deciding that the tylenol would have to do, he snatched up the pill bottle and his bottle of vodka, and louis makes his way over to his bed. 

he plops down onto the large bed and cracks open the bottle. without hesitation, louis pour a few into his hand and washes them down with the vodka. he barely feels the pills go down and gladly swallows another handful. 

soon enough, louis is starting at an empty bottle of tylenol and his vision becomes even more blurry. the alcohol mixed with the pills is definitely messing with his mind. louis just wants it to be over. 

in his hazy state, louis realizes that he didn't even write a note for harry or his family, but he doesn't know if he has it in him to care enough right now. 

after a few minutes of laying helplessly in his lonely bed, louis begins wishing he chose a faster method to die. groaning in frustration and pain, he leans over and grabs a pad of paper from the bedside table, along with a green pen. the green reminds him of harry's eyes. 

he scribble out a quick note to tell harry, his mum, his siblings, niall, liam, and zayn that he loves them and he's sorry he was a burden to them, but he just couldn't do it anymore. his handwriting is bad enough anyway, so louis hopes they'll be able to read what he tried to say in his intoxicated state. 

finally feeling the weight of the world closing in on him, louis pulls himself back under the warm blankets, allowing him to drift to sleep peacefully, in hopes of not waking up in the morning. 

over 5,000 miles away, harry is on his knees sobbing to himself, alone in his and louis' house in la.

it had been about an hour since he got off the phone with simon, who broke the news that him and louis were to remain separated until the tour started again. harry is heartbroken. 

he was supposed to see his louis again in two days. his sunflower. he had been counting down the seconds until he would get to see louis again. now, he's been shoved so far away harry feels like he's going to drown before getting to see his love again. 

it's completely unfair. simon gave harry such little reasoning as to why he wouldn't be able to see his husband. he told harry that he needed to keep writing with the writers in la because they were working well with each other, so that would be good for the new album. shockingly, all simon cares about is the money. 

harry had hopefully asked if louis could come to la instead if he had to stay, and simon was quick to shut that idea down. he said that louis has to keep working with their team in london and liam. liam and louis shouldn't have to use this time to write. they have countless opportunities when they're on tour. simon is just purposely keeping them apart.

harry tried calling louis after he got off the phone with simon, but he didn't answer. simon said he told louis before he called harry, so harry just hoped he was taking it alright and wasn't drinking himself to oblivion in a pub somewhere. he knows it's late in london right now and louis could just be asleep, but he can't stop the worry that plagues his mind. he hates that he can't protect his husband when he's so far away. 

he sends liam a text asking him to let him know if he hears from louis and heads over to the beautiful grand piano that is the centerpiece for their living room. harry always keeps a journal and a pen at the piano, so he sits on the bench and begins writing. 

"if i could fly, i'd be coming right back home to you," he sings quietly. he hums a little bit of a melody that comes into his head. "i'd give up everything if you wanted me to."

harry frowns, displeased with the second lyric. he plays a few chords on the piano as he thinks of how he could make the lyric better. 

"i think i might give up everything, just ask me to," he sings, happier with the way it sounds now. "right now i'm completely defenseless."

he pours out all of his emotions into the song. he imagines louis standing in front of him as he sings it to him, wishing more than anything that they would be able to be together and have a normal relationship. a relationship where there is nothing trying to get in the way of their love. 

there is nothing he wouldn't give up for louis' happiness. louis is everything to him. the one who has seen him at his most vulnerable state and promised to love him until the day he dies. harry knows that louis is the only one for him and that would never change. management's attempts to keep them apart would never stop his love. 

"for your eyes only, i show you my heart, for when you're lonely and forget who you are," harry's eyes begin watering. "i'm missing half of me when we're apart. now you know me, for your eyes only."

harry ends up scribbling down a few more verses. he has another songwriting session tomorrow that he can bring his new song to. hopefully during the session, they will be able to perfect the music to enhance the emotion he poured into the lyrics.

he heads down to the kitchen to pour himself a large glass of wine and leaves louis another voicemail. naturally, harry worries about his husband. he knows that louis is sometimes reckless and sometimes needs someone to make sure he is taking care of himself. it's not strange that he's worried. that's what partners are supposed to do. he keeps telling himself that louis is fine and probably just sleeping or something, but he is still worried about his husband who won't answer his phone, and it kills him because there is so little he can do with the vast distance between them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy pride


	12. Chapter 12

april 17, 2015. california. 

harry wakes up early in the morning with a moderate hangover. at first, he is confused. he rarely has more than a couple drinks at a time, and that never is enough to give him a full hangover. what made him drink so much last night?

harry reaches for his phone from the bedside table. he turns on his screen and squints at the brightness. he dims the screen enough to not hurt his eyes, and unlocks the phone. it is only 5:37 in the morning, which is an unusually early time for harry to naturally wake up at. 

the only message he has is from his mum, who was wishing him a good morning and telling him to have a good day. that was always the first thing anne did when she woke up whenever harry wasn't home. sadly, that is most of the time. anne always wants to make sure harry knows she is thinking about him and that she loves him. harry has always appreciated those messages. it is always nice to wake up to a loving text from his mum. no matter what happens, it ensures that he knows his mum will always be there for him. 

harry clicks on louis' contact, intending to send him a good morning text, when all of his memories from the night before come back. he sees all of the unanswered messages he sent to louis and remembers what happened. simon cancelled harry going home. that's why he was drinking. and probably why he woke up so early, since he started drinking early the night before. that would have meant he fell asleep earlier than usual. shouldn't this be the time louis contacts him most? why is he being ignored?

harry gets up and walks over to his bathroom. he shuffles through the cabinet to find a bottle of painkillers to take for his headache. once he downs a couple of pills, he heads back into bed, wrapping himself in his blankets. 

harry grabs his phone again, going back to louis' contact and hits call. he prays that louis will answer, but his heart drops as the phone just keeps ringing, and ringing, and ringing, before finally going to voicemail. 

"hi! this is louis. i'm busy right now, but you can leave a message after the beep and i'll call you back!" the sweet sound of his husband's voice rang out through the phone's speakers. the phone beeps and starts recording. 

"hi, my sunflower. it's me. i'm starting to get really worried about you. i know the news from simon yesterday was really bad, but he can't make me love you any less. i'm going to call management later to try to get them to let me come home. i won't give up. i'll always keep fighting for us. i'm really worried about you, lou," harry's voice finally breaks. "please at least text me or something to let me know you're alright. i love you so much. please call," he begs. 

harry hangs up the phone and throws it onto his bed with a groan. he is desperate for a call from his husband. even a text would work. anything. harry just needs to know that louis is okay. 

louis has been having a tough time lately. harry knows that. with zayn leaving and management being up their asses, he knew louis was being pushed close to his limit. that was quite evident in the number of cigarettes he goes through in a day. because of louis, harry now finds some comfort in the smell of smoke, but now, it's getting to be a lot. louis' unhealthy habit is getting worse, and harry knows it's a coping mechanism for his stress. sadly, there is only so much he can do. especially when he's stuck in a different country. 

he shoots another text to liam, again asking how louis is. harry knows they were having a writing session together today. it's now nearing 2:00 in london, so they should at least be in their writing session right now, maybe even on a break. he knows that liam likes to get an early start, while louis would rather cut off his foot than wake up early, so they usually settled on having their sessions begin in the late morning. if louis won't text him, liam should at least, right?

just in case, harry also sends a quick message to both niall and zayn, hoping that maybe one of them have at least heard from him. in a time  
of crisis, zayn would usually be the one louis turned to if it wasn't harry. 

harry slowly makes his way out of bed, heading down to the kitchen for some breakfast. something to eat should hopefully make the ache in his head a little better. 

he takes out a couple of pieces of bread to stick into the toaster. while the bread toasts, harry uses his time to slice an avocado to put on the toast. the only good thing about being away from louis is the fact that he is currently allowed to have avocados in the house. of course, louis doesn't know about this, but even if he did, there's not much he could do about it while being several thousand miles away. still, harry would forever give up avocados just to have louis here with him. 

avocados always make harry think of louis. harry finds his hatred of the fruit endearing and amusing. louis has never been one to bite his tongue over things he didn't like, and avocados are no different. 

after a couple of minutes, the toaster goes off, signaling that the toast is done and harry just spent multiple minutes fonding over his husband's opinions of avocados. he doesn't know if that means he misses louis too much, or if he is just so deeply in love with him. probably both. 

harry liberally spreads the avocado over the toast. his mouth is now watering, looking forward to the moment when he can finally take a bite. while preparing the breakfast, harry's text alert goes off from the kitchen table. 

harry drops the knife he was holding and rushes to the phone, nearly crashing into the counter due to his socks on the slippery tile floor. the near-fall slows him down a couple seconds, but harry has his phone in his hands in no time. his fingers quiver as he types in his passcode, hoping more than anything that he received a text from louis. 

much to harry's disappointment, the text is just from niall. he was letting harry know that he had not heard from louis, but if he did, he would text harry right away. 

harry grabs his plate and sits down at the table, picking at the toast. his appetite has been almost completely lost. excessive stress has always caused some hinderance on harry's appetite, so it is not surprising to him that his worry over his husband starts making it difficult for him to eat. 

for some reason, the fact niall confirmed that he has not heard from louis makes the whole situation feel more real. niall is in ireland right now. there is no reason why louis would have to contact him there, so niall not hearing anything doesn't have to mean anything. so then why did that make him worry so much more?

there is a part of harry that just hopes that louis and liam both don't have their phones on them. maybe louis dropped his phone in the toilet and water damage has prevented him from contacting harry. maybe liam misplaced his, or left it at home so they could focus more on their writing without any distractions. there are a thousand different reasonable explanations that could explain why they haven't contacted him. even so, harry is starting to think about the worst. 

louis and harry talk every day. even since the x-factor, there has not been a day that goes by that the two didn't speak. harry believes that is important. lack of communication is what kills all relationships. they are constantly together and talking. harry firmly believes that is one of the main reasons he and louis has been going so strong for so long. that is why it is so unusual for louis to ignore so many calls. 

last night, harry's first thought when his call was left unanswered was that louis was drunk. most likely, the first thing louis did when he got off the phone with simon was to get a drink. that is predictable louis behavior. most conversations with simon end in alcohol, and not even just for louis. even if he drank himself to sleep, he should be awake by now. 

harry's mind won't stop racing. his brain goes through every possible scenario of what louis could be up to. every single thing that could go wrong crosses through harry's mind. he could have alcohol poisoning. maybe he got hurt. maybe he was at a bar and got into a drunken fight. 

at this point, harry can't sit around and do nothing for any longer. he needs to do something, and right now, that something is a phone call with modest! management. 

he wastes no time in calling the head of their management team, johnny. the phone only rings twice before he answers. harry honestly wishes he had a couple more rings so he could work on breathing calmly enough to trust that he won't snap at the man at any point and say something that could put himself or the band at risk. yelling and swearing is not going to get him anywhere. 

"hello, mr. styles! to what do i owe this pleasure?" johnny answers the phone brightly. harry can tell that johnny knows why he called. he is just acting like he is oblivious and ignorant of everything. 

"i think you know exactly what i'm calling about," harry reprimanded. "i want to go home to london."

"i am very sorry, but that is not possible," johnny responded in an almost mocking tone, like harry is a child that he has to talk down to. 

"like hell it's not possible. this is our break. you can't keep me away from london," harry demands. "especially since i was told i could go home after two weeks."

"in your contract it states that we have the power to choose who you will be writing with, and therefore that gives us the ability to keep you in los angeles is that is where we think you will be most fit," he explains. "our job is to make your band as successful as possible. to do that, we need control over your location and your collaborators so you will be able to write the most successful songs you can for your next record, which let me remind you, that is coming up and now the four of you need to put in extra work to account for mr. malik's absence."

"or you just want to keep me out of london to prevent louis and i from being seen together. because our relationship becoming public would be the worst thing in the world," harry observes and states with a hint of sarcasm. 

johnny sighs. "i know you don't like hearing this, but a relationship between you and mr. tomlinson becoming public would be incredibly bad for the band's image. it is best for your popularity and fan base that you two are not seen together."

harry scoffs. "louis and i will come out one day. just you wait. you won't be able to control us and let our sexualities hold us back forever. the world is changing. people are becoming more accepting. i don't care if i lose a few fans if it would mean that my husband and i get to be happy."

"that is not what we are trying to do, mr. styles. our goal is not to make your relationship difficult. we only have the band's best interest at heart," johnny challenged. "i know you intended on asking if you could go to london. i'm afraid that can't happen."

"please," harry begs. "how would you feel if you were forced away from your partner? especially if you were constantly told that your relationship was something that must be hidden. the only thing you can do is rely on each other. please let me go home."

"you have duties to meet with writers in california. that will not be changing. modest! management has control over your career. we know best. you are just a boy. we have been in this industry a lot longer than you have. we know how to create success. i'm very sorry, mr. styles, but i can't help you here," johnny apologies, but harry can tell that he isn't sincere at all. "is that all, mr. styles?"

harry pauses for a moment and takes a deep breath. "have you heard from louis? i mean since simon called him. he isn't answering my messages," harry says, worried. he must really be desperate if he is pleading for answers of his husband's whereabouts from their management. 

"no, mr. tomlinson has not reached out to us since. that was only last night, anyway. he probably just hasn't been on his phone," johnny says, casually, not concerned at all. "now, is there anything else you need?"

"no, sir," harry says softly, just before hanging up the phone. he slides it into his pocket and feels the anger bubbling inside of him. all he wants is to be able to live happily and freely with louis. things would be different if they were a straight couple. they would be able to share their love with the world, and not have to hide themselves because management would end their careers if people found out they were actually together. 

in less than a year, they're going to be able to be done with modest!. harry cannot way for the day their contract ends and him and louis will be able to walk free. he dreams of being able to walk outside, holding his husband's hand. it's pretty sad that such a simple action is what harry yearns for more than anything else. harry will push through these last months with management. it will all be worth it because then, the world will finally be able to know who he really is. 

harry sits on his couch sulking for a while, until his phone alarm goes off. he apparently never turned it off even though he woke up early. although he now has a little extra time because he already ate, harry gets up to head into the shower anyway. maybe he'll head to the studio a few minutes early to work on the new song he started the previous night a little more before any of the other writers arrive. 

harry showers and pulls himself into one of louis' hoodies that he left the last time they were together in la. even though louis hasn't been to la for a while, the hoodie still smells like him. he is very lucky that louis likes to buy oversized hoodies, because if not, harry would not fit into it. 

harry collects his bag and gathers his journal, a bottle of water, and some snacks to take with him to the studio. it's times like this that he really wishes louis were in bed, grumpily complaining to harry about being woken up from a goodbye kiss, begging for harry to join him once again. 

harry can usually almost feel louis' presence, even when they're not together. harry thinks it's a mix between louis' habits that he's picked up, his clothes, and just the sheer amount of time they spend together. that is something that has always comforted him when he's alone. but right now, the house feels cold and empty. the lack of louis' presence makes the hair on the back harry's neck stand up and makes harry feel even more alone and closed off. 

he doesn't know what he would do if something bad happened to louis. he has never felt more helpless. he needs a call.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: mentions of a suicide attempt, self-harm, and self-hatred

april 17, 2015. england. 

liam exasperatedly stands at the entrance of harry and louis' london house, waiting for louis to answer the door. he had been at the studio at the scheduled time of 10:00, and waited there for an entire hour before finally deciding to come get louis out of his home. 

all of the phone calls and texts he sent has been ignored, and he had gotten a curious text from harry the night before. he assumes that harry and louis got into a fight last night and louis is too upset, drunk, or hungover to make it to their songwriting session. 

after several ignored knocks, liam decides to let himself into the house with the spare key he knows they keep in the cushion of one of their outdoor benches. 

"tommo?" he calls, walking into the messy house. "are you home, mate?"

liam kicks his shoes off at the door and heads upstairs, assuming that louis is still in bed. "lou?" he opens the bedroom door, spotting the empty bed along with an almost empty bottle of vodka. 

he lets out a sad sigh, knowing that louis is probably in pretty bad shape. if he and harry did get into a fight, liam know that louis would have drank himself into a coma, or at least until he forgot his own name. if he drank that much and isn't in his room, the only other place he would be in is the bathroom. 

liam gently knocks on the master bathroom door. "louis? it's liam. open up," he silently prays that louis is behind the door and safe. he knocks again. "lou?"

he hears some shuffling behind the door and he feels the relief flooding into his body. louis is okay. 

"s'open," liam has to strain to hear louis weak voice from behind the door. he slowly pushes the door open, bracing himself for what lies behind. 

louis is collapsed on the floor, head resting on the toilet seat and hand holding onto his stomach. "payno," he says weakly. 

"shit, what did you do?" liam asks, starting to panic when he sees the blood smudged on louis face. 

louis' face breaks into a sadistic smile for a brief second before coughing and eventually puking up even more blood. "i fucked up," he laughs. "i fucked up so bad."

"how much did you drink?" liam asks quickly, rushing to scoop louis into his strong arms. "we need to get you to the hospital."

louis doesn't say anything. instead, his laughter turns into sobs until he is breaking down in liam's arms. he sobs so hard he has to scramble out of liam's grasp in order to get to the toilet in time to throw up again. 

liam rubs his back, trying to comfort his friend. once louis is done puking again, he falls back into liam's arms and continues to cry, unable to speak. 

completely unsure of what to do to help his friend now, liam grabs the bin from the bathroom in one hand and gently picks up louis with his other arm, and rushes him out to his car. he doesn't know what's wrong with louis, but he knows he needs urgent medical attention.

"where are we going?" louis mumbles, only semi-conscious. 

"the hospital!" liam exclaims. "what did you do? how much did you drink?" he asks, hoping for an answer. 

"i'm okay. bring me home," louis begs, but they are already driving. "i'm fine," he insists. 

"please just stay awake until we get to the hospital louis. they'll help you and i can call harry and your mum. sound good?"

"no, no, no. i'm fine. please don't call them," he pleads. "i'm fine. i want to go home. don't call harry. don't call harry."

"you're not well, lou. you have to let me help you. did you and harry get in a fight?" liam pleads for some information.

"harry," louis' face softens into a weak smile at the sound of his husband's name. "tell him i love him when i'm gone."

liam's heart stops. "when you're gone?" he whispers, terrified. "what do you mean?"

instead of a response, louis grabs his bin and pukes again. now terrified for his best friend's life, liam steps harder on the gas and speeds to the hospital. in normal circumstances, he never would have driven so recklessly, but he needs to get louis to a doctor.

liam arrives at the hospital in record time and lifts louis out of the car to carry him into the hospital. he desperately hopes that no fans are around. liam feels like the last thing louis would want right now is for the public to see him in this situation. 

as soon as the nurse at the reception desk sees them, she calls over a few doctors who quickly roll out a bed for liam to place louis on. 

"what happened?" a nurse asked. 

"i don't know, he wouldn't tell me anything," liam admits. "i think he drank a lot and maybe took something. i don't know. please save him," he starts panicking. 

"it's okay, sir. stay calm. we'll take care of him and you can call whoever you and him need here," the nurse speaks calmly, not wanting to get liam any more worked up. 

"no harry," louis' weak voice mutters. "no harry. no harry. want mum."

liam's tears start falling when louis is wheeled away and he is left alone in the waiting room. he is lost. he was expecting to have a normal writing session with his best friend. he thought they were going to have a good day working on their new album, but instead, he found him violently ill and is now stuck in a hospital with no knowledge of what's going on. what did louis do to himself?

shakily, liam grabs his phone out of his pocket and scrolls to louis' mum's contact. he hits the call button, and tries to hold back his tears while the phone rings. jay picks up on the third ring. 

"liam!" she exclaims, brightly. "it's so good to hear from you!"

"jay, i need you to come to london. i just brought louis to the hospital."

there is silence on the other end of the call. "what do you mean?" jay asks, completely somber now. 

liam can't hold back his tears anymore. "he didn't show up to our writing session so i went to his house. i think something happened with harry. he kept telling me to not call him. he's in bad shape. i think he took something. i didn't know what to do. he kept saying he doesn't want harry to know and i don't know if i should bring management into this now or what i should do," he cries. 

jay quickly slides a pair of shoes on her feet. "you did the right thing, liam," she assures. "i'm on my way now. we'll figure it out when i get there. i'll be there as soon as quickly as i can."

"of course, jay. thank you," liam says gratefully. mums always know what to do. 

jay grabs her car keys. "no, thank you. i'll see you and my boy soon."

liam hangs up the phone and jay desperately calls out to her husband. he rushes downstairs at the sound of her worried voice, still holding the pair of jeans he was in the process of folding. 

"i have to go to london," she rushes out. "louis is in the hospital. will you be okay with taking care of the kids until i get back?"

dan nods. "of course!" he places a gentle kiss to the side of her head. "let me know how he is, okay? i'll take care of everything here."

"okay. thank you. i have to go," jay runs out the door and climbs into her car. she backs out of her driveway, dreading what is going to be the longest three hours of her life until she gets to the hospital.

liam spends his time pacing in the waiting room for what feels like years until the nurse from earlier walks over to him and gently places her hand on his arm to get his attention. 

"how is he?" liam asks nervously as soon as he sees her. she guides him over to a more private section of the hospital so they can talk without everyone else hearing. 

"mr. tomlinson asleep right now. he told us that he took pills last night, so that along with the alcohol mixed badly. we pumped his stomach and are treating him for it, but we can't say for certain if there has been any more damage to his liver, but he is stable for now," she explains. "unfortunately, i cannot let you see him because you are not family and he is on suicide watch now. does he have any family that are coming?"

liam nods. "his mum is on her way. i don't know if i should call our management to get nondisclosure agreements because i don't know if louis would want them to know about this. he wouldn't even let me call his partner," liam rambles. 

"there is no need for now. all of the doctors and nurses are not allowed to discuss patients or their conditions. i can't tell you anything more because you are not family and mr. tomlinson has not given us permission to inform you about everything."

liam nods in understanding. "will i be able to see him if he wants me to when he wakes up?" he asks hopefully. 

she nods. "we would just need someone else in the room as well."

"thank you for helping him," liam says with gratitude. 

"of course, sir. you can head back to the waiting room. i will come back to let you know if his condition changes. my name is carol if you need anything." 

liam thanks her one last time before going back to the waiting room and collapsing onto one of the hard, uncomfortable chairs. he buries his face in his hands. more than anything, he wants louis to be alright. he wishes he knew what happened and knew how to make it better. he knows he should call harry, but louis was so adamant that he did not want harry to know, and he doesn't want to betray louis' trust. he doesn't want to make this any worse. 

it crosses his mind that maybe he should call niall to inform him of what happened, but liam decides that he should probably wait until louis wakes up to tell anyone but his mum. 

liam can't believe this is happening. just a few weeks ago, him and louis were having a blast pouring water on each other on stage and messing with each other during interviews. three days ago they were joking around during their songwriting session and kicking around a football. it never crossed his mind that his bandmate and best friend was in such a bad mental state that he would try to kill himself. liam wishes he could have done something to stop it and can't help but feel guilty. he was probably the last person to see louis. shouldn't he have noticed if there was something really wrong?

finally, after a very long wait, jay arrives at the hospital. when she sees liam, she rushes over to him and he pulls her into his strong arms. they hold each other for a moment and let themselves cry. her comforting arms make liam feel just a little bit better, and liam's hug holds jay together. she feels like she could break apart at any moment. her son isn't okay and she doesn't know how to help him. 

"how is he?" jay asks once they pull out of the hug. 

"i talked to the nurse a little while ago. she said they pumped his stomach and he's stable for now," liam's voice cracks as he explains. this must be one of the most difficult things he has ever done in his life. nothing will compare to having to tell a mother that her son attempted suicide. "she said he took pills and drank a lot. he's on suicide watch and i can't go in alone because i'm not family. you should probably see him first anyways."

"thank you so much for saving him," jay wipes a tear from her eye. "you saved my baby's life. i can't thank you enough for that."

"he's one of my best friends," liam replies without missing a beat. "i'd do anything for him."

"i should have done more for him," jay whispers. "i should have gotten him to talk to me more the last time he visited. i should have noticed that there was something more wrong. i'm his mother and i couldn't even protect him."

liam shakes his head. "you can't blame yourself. he loves you. we can't let ourselves think like that or we'll be stuck in a cycle of self-hate and blame," liam assures her, but also trying to tell the same thing to himself. 

jay and liam sit for a while, with liam's head resting on jay's shoulder. neither of them are sure of what to do and how to handle the situation. 

not too long after jay's arrival, carol comes over to them. "you must be mr. tomlinson's mum," she greets. 

jay jumps to her feet. "yes, that's me. how is he?"

"he's awake," both liam and jay let out a sigh of relief at the news. "he won't say much to us. he just kept saying that he wanted his mum."

"can i see him now?" jay asks. 

carol nods. "follow me. i'll talk to you more about his condition when we're with him," she turns to liam. "if mr. tomlinson is okay with seeing you, you can be in the room with him if his mum or another nurse is there too."

liam nods, sadly, wishing he could go to see louis, but understanding that he can't. "tell him i love him, yeah?" he asks jay. 

jay silently agrees, and then follows the nurse to louis' room. they stop right outside of the room. 

"before we go in there, i want to warm you about his condition and ask you a couple questions if that's alright?" carol asks. 

"of course! what is it?

"firstly, we had to pump his stomach due to his intake of both pills and alcohol. he vomited a lot before he got here, so his throat is sore and his voice is scratchy. he has several iv's that are providing fluids that he lost and to counteract the effects of the pills. so far we think there is no permanent damage that he did to himself last night, but we need to keep an eye on him to be sure. he will be here under suicide watch for the next seventy-two hours and we will have a psychologist come to evaluate his well-being then." she explains, noticing how heartbroken jay looks over the news. this has never been an easy part of the job. "we wanted to know if you knew how long mr. tomlinson has been harming himself for, or if you even knew at all?"

jay lets out a gasp. "what do you mean?" she asks, in shock. 

"his upper body has what appears to be many self-inflicted cuts. none of the wounds are too deep he needs stitches or are infected, but he refused to say anything to any of the medical staff about it," she tries to explain as gently as she can, knowing the news would not be easy to take in. "i wanted to warn you because the hospital gown he is wearing is sleeveless and the scars on his shoulders are visible."

tears begin spilling from jay's eyes. the thought of her baby feeling so bad he had to cut himself breaks her heart. the worst part is she never noticed. how could she miss this?

"are you ready to go in?" carol softly asks. jay nods and carol pushes the door open. even more tears fall from her eyes at the sight of her baby in the hospital bed. 

"hi, mum," louis croaks out. "how're the kids?" he tries joking. 

jay hurries over and carefully pulls louis into a hug, being mindful of the iv's and needles sticking out of his arms. 

"i'll leave you two alone for now. i'll be outside if you need me," carol quietly exits the room. 

"louis, my baby, why didn't you tell me about this?" jay asks, pulling a chair next to the bed so she can sit while holding louis' hand. 

"didn't want anyone to know," he says simply. "i have to be the strong one. i can't let everyone down."

"sweetheart," jay gently kisses louis' hand. "you never should have to feel this way. please talk to me. tell me everything," she begs. 

"simon called yesterday," louis starts. jay lets out a sigh, knowing this can't be good. "he told me that harry isn't coming home and that he's probably finding someone better than me because i'm worthless and never going to get anywhere and it's all because i'm gay. and then i tried calling zayn who completely blew me off and called me a burden."

jay gasps. "louis, honey, you do realize that none of what he said is true right? you are worth so much. harry loves you and you are so brilliant and talented and i am so proud of you. nothing can take away from that, especially not your sexuality. there is nothing wrong with being gay. you know that, right?" jay asks. louis stays silent, and jay starts crying again. 

"your sexuality doesn't mean anything. it doesn't determine your worth or your success, and it is cruel that someone would use it against you. all that should matter is that you found someone who loves you and will take care of you. that's harry. it doesn't matter if you end up with a boy or a girl. it shouldn't matter. you deserve to be able to live freely." she insists. 

"simon says i'm holding harry back from actual happiness. that i don't know what true love is."

"simon is an asshole," jay says bluntly. "we can do something about this. it is completely inappropriate for him to treat you like this. look where it's ended you! we can fix this."

louis shakes his head. "i don't want anything from them. i don't even want to come out anymore. i just want them to stop telling me how awful i am for existing," louis voice breaks as he speaks. "ever since the x factor, all they've done is make me feel like shit because of who i am and things i can't change. they've made me feel so worthless and wrong and i just can't fucking do it anymore. they've made it very clear that i'm the disposable one and every single day i feel them chipping away at who i am and right now, there is nothing left. it's killing me. i'm just a void. i feel so empty and the only time i feel somewhat together at all is when i'm slicing my skin open and watching the blood empty out of me, which is kind of ironic, i guess," he lets out a soft laugh. "i wish i could be someone that they found worthy to be in the band. i wish i wasn't gay. everything bad in my life is because i'm gay. why am i gay? why can't i just be fucking normal?"

"please don't talk about yourself like this, louis. there are so many people that love you so much, and don't care about any of that. i know you're hurting, but it'll get better, yeah? we can help you."

"i just hate myself so much," louis cries, fully breaking down. 

jay pulls her son into her arms and runs her hands up and down his back. "it'll be alright darling. you're not alone in this. we're all here for you."

louis pulls back with a panicked look in his eyes. "did anyone call harry?"

"no, liam and i thought it would be best to wait until you were awake. liam said you were very adamant on not letting harry know, but i think this is an important thing to tell him," jay tries explaining, but louis won't listen to it. 

"no. i don't want him to know," he demands. "i've been doing everything i can to not let him know about this for years. he can't find out now."

"please, lou. he loves you. he'd want to help," jay begs. 

"he is not going to find out. it would break him. i have to be strong for him. do not tell him. i'll talk to you. i'll probably even tell liam. i think i owe him an explanation for what i've put him through today. but harry cannot know," louis insists. 

"okay," jay gives in. "i'll tell liam to let him know that you're ill or something and you'll call him as soon as you can," she says sadly. 

"thank you," louis squeezes her hand. "is liam still here?"

jay nods. "he's in the waiting room. he can't come in unless you say you want to see him and someone else has to be in the room because he's not family. the poor boy is so worried. do you want me to get him for you?"

louis pauses for a moment. "can i see him tomorrow? i don't think i'm ready to go through this with him right now."

"of course. he told me to tell you that he loves you. i know he'll be happy to see you."

"i don't deserve friends like him,"  
louis sighs. 

"of course you do. he loves you. we all love you. me, harry, niall, your sisters and ernest, mark, dan, your fans, we all love you so much. i'm going to do everything i can to make sure you never lose sight of that again."


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: mentions of self-harm and a suicide attempt

april 18, 2015. england.

the morning after louis ended up in the hospital, liam makes a kettle of tea for himself and jay, who spent the night at his flat. they weren't allowed to stay at the hospital overnight, so liam offered his spare room to jay, which she gratefully accepted. 

liam's hands visibly shake as he pours the tea into two to-go mugs that he has sitting around his house, almost tempted to pour some alcohol into his. he is finally going to see louis for the first time since watching him get wheeled away by the doctors and nurses, and he is honestly terrified to see him. 

he doesn't know what to expect. jay didn't tell him too much, saying it would be better for louis to tell him himself. all he knows is mostly what the nurse told him yesterday. jay told him that louis wanted to wait to see him because it was going to be hard for him to explain everything again, which liam fully respects and supports, of course, but the suspense building up to being able to see louis keeps growing. 

liam wishes that he could call harry and have him here to help everything. the love and support of his husband is probably something that louis could use right now, but he refuses to let anyone tell harry. as much as liam thinks it would help to have harry informed, he doesn't want to take the risk of what louis might do if harry found out. 

liam feels helpless. he doesn't even know the extent of how bad everything is, but he just wants to make his friend happy. he doesn't know how to do that, though. he called their management to let them know that louis is ill and to ask them to cancel their writing sessions, but besides that, he is at a loss of what he's supposed to do. what are you supposed to do when you find your friend dying on their bathroom floor?

liam and jay head out to his car and make the short drive to the hospital, almost as if they are on autopilot. both are too caught up in their heads to pay much attention to anything going on around them. louis is the only thing that has been on their mind. liam wondering what has happened to his best mate, and jay asking herself how her son could have suffered so much without her noticing. 

once they arrive at the hospital, liam parks his car, and him and jay walk wordlessly into the eerie building. the receptionist sends them a welcoming smile. 

"how can i help you today?" he asks. 

"we're here to see louis tomlinson," jay answers. "i'm his mother."

"and you're liam?" the receptionist asks and receives a nod from liam in confirmation. "he already requested to staff that he wanted to see you today. ma'am, you're going to have to be in the room with them, as mr. tomlinson is not allowed to be alone with visitors that are not family right now. i just need to see some identification and for you two to sign in here," he hands them a clipboard asking for their name, the room of the patient they're planning on visiting, and the date and time they arrived. "do you know which room you're going to?"

jay nods and they both pull out their id to show the receptionist. after he okays them, they sign in and make their way to louis' room. at this point, liam's hands are trembling even more than they were before. 

jay notices and gently takes liam's hands in her own. "it's going to be alright," she promises. "he wants to see you."

"i'm scared of what i'll see," liam admits. 

jay softly pat's liam's back, understanding how he's feeling. she felt the same way before going in to see her son the previous day. she quietly opens the door and guides liam into louis' room. 

louis looks a little better than he did when jay saw him yesterday. his face has some more color to it, and he already appears to be gaining his strength back. he is still connected to several iv's and has the same tired look in his eyes, but he is doing better than he was. 

jay walks into the room and greets louis with a kiss on his forehead. louis leans into the touch, savoring the kind gesture from his mother. she sits down on the chair next to the bed and picks up louis' hand, careful not to disturb the iv. 

liam stays in the doorway, shocked at the sight in front of him. from the moment he walked in, his brain became fixated on the scars exposed on louis' shoulder. over the last five years, liam has met a countless number of fans that had scars across their body and who had thanked him and the band for making music that could be a beacon of happiness during difficult times in their lives. liam thinks of them and their gratitude every day, and that is something that keeps him pushing through every time he hits a wall while writing, or whenever management becomes too intense. it is worth it to help the fans. 

although these fans and their stories live in him every day, he never expected that it could be something that his bandmate could be dealing with right under his nose. it has always been something that is somewhat distant. he's never personally known anyone who has self-harmed, so it more of a foreign problem that he never has fully understood or had to confront. now, he is standing in his best friend's hospital room after finding him during an overdose, looking at the scars on his arms, wondering how he could have been so oblivious to louis' pain. 

after louis greets his mum, his attention turns to liam, and the look of concern on his face that breaks louis' heart. "hey, payno," he greets, his voice much stronger than it was the previous day, but still sounding quite sore from all of the vomiting. 

"tommo," liam smiles weakly over at his friend. "how are you doing, mate!"

louis shrugs. "peachy," he responds. "now are you planning on staying at the door this entire time, or are you going to come in here?"

liam finally moves from his place in the doorway and pulls the other chair in louis' room to the side of the bed opposite jay. he sits down, unsure of what to say, or how this conversation should start. thankfully, louis takes over. 

"i'm sorry you found me like that yesterday, li," louis apologizes sincerely. "i got some really bad news the night before and i didn't know how to handle it, and i thought it would be best to just try to end it all."

"what happened?" liam asked, almost scared to find out. 

"simon. the usual. he told me that harry isn't coming home and he basically went on about how i am the scum of the earth because i'm gay. nothing new," louis laughs. "then i called zayn only for him to tell me how much of a burden i am, so i thought fuck it. i clearly fucked up, though. the pills weren't strong enough. or i didn't take enough, i don't know. i really wish you didn't have to see me like that."

liam can't get over the sadness in louis' eyes and the guilty look that he has. of course louis would feel guilty about someone having to see him in his lowest moment, but liam feels even more guilt of not noticing anything before it became too late. 

"i'm sure your mum has already told you how wrong both simon and zayn are," liam glances at jay who nods, silently telling him she did. "do you regret what you did?"

louis stays silent. he knows that he regrets it only because it failed, but there's no way he can admit that out  
loud to his mum and liam right now, even if they know the answer. 

liam sighs. "tommo, i don't think i've ever been more scared than i was when i was driving you to the hospital yesterday. when you said you wanted me to tell harry that you love him when you're gone," liam trembles at the memory. "i was scared i was going to lose you. i don't know if you know how much you mean to me, but i hope you know how devastated we all would be if you succeeded yesterday."

louis shrugs. "you'd all take care of each other. you'd get over it."

"no, you're wrong. you're such a crucial part to our band. you're our family. that doesn't just go away," liam demands. "how long have you been feeling like this that i haven't noticed?" he asks, filled with guilt. 

"a while. i started cutting myself during the up all night tour."

liam gasps. "it's been so long and i haven't noticed?" his eyes fill with new tears. he feels like such a horrible friend. how can you not notice one of your closest friends that you spend nearly every day with harming themself for years? he should have noticed. how could he miss this?

"you weren't supposed to know, li," louis explains, noticing the hurt look on liam's face. "i was good at hiding it. that was the point. i don't want anyone to know. don't feel bad about this."

liam shakes his head. "even if you were trying to hide it, i should have noticed that something was wrong. i knew you had seemed a as little more unhappy lately, but i assumed that was just tour stress and all of us have been feeling off since zayn left. i should have noticed that it was something more. i should've made myself more available for you to talk to. you shouldn't have to hide this."

"it's easiest to go through this alone," louis tells him. "i want to be the strong one for you lads. that's what i have to be. i want to be the one who deals with management so they'll leave the rest of you alone. i want to be the one you feel like you can go to when you're having a bad day. how could anyone believe i was strong if you knew?"

"lou, you're the strongest person i know," liam says. "i mean every word."

louis stays silent. the support of his friend means a lot, even if he doesn't believe the words he's being told. he doesn't know what to say, so liam keeps talking. 

"you've never told harry about this?" liam sadly asks. 

louis shakes his head quickly. "he can't know. i have to be strong for him," he insists. "i don't want him to see me like this. i'm the older one. i'm meant to be protecting him. i'd happily live like this as long as i can protect harry from this shitty world."

"how did you keep it from him though? these negative emotions you're having are clearly marked on your skin," liam says, trying to understand. "harry must see the scars when you two are, you know, going at it. sorry, jay," he apologizes, knowing that even though louis is a married adult, jay probably doesn't want to hear too much about her son's sex life. 

"i only do it in places that are covered by my shirt," louis explains simply, like its something he's thought about a lot. "it's not like i've always loved my body, so he's never really questioned it when i choose to leave my shirt on. even before i started cutting myself i felt more comfortable with a shirt on. harry's always respected my boundaries and has never pressured me to be completely naked while having sex. it never really was an issue. sorry, mum," louis also apologizes. louis feels his heart begin to ache at the thought of harry. "he was supposed to come home today," he says sadly. his eyes begin to water, so he pulls his hand away from his mum to wipe his eyes. he can't break down now. not with how weak they've already seen him. 

jay's heart breaks for her son. she can't imagine the pain her boy must be feeling right now. she never has and most likely never will experience the pain of being forced away from her partner. most people haven't. she's always been allowed to love freely and openly. she has never had to avoid holding hands with her partner in public, or be banned from sitting next to him. she's never had to deal with having her partner forcibly in another country, just because someone was trying to keep them apart. 

louis has always been such a strong person. this is something jay has always known. he will always put others first and do whatever he can to help other people. he can withstand so much backlash and pressure, and still remain the light that so many look up to. seeing louis in this state, jay knows the pain he is feeling must be unbearable, and she knows that he would keep doing this to himself if it meant he could continue helping his loved ones. 

"i'm going to be here for you now, tommo. even if you choose not to tell harry or niall, i hope you never have to feel alone again," liam tells louis, hoping that from now on, louis will stop forcing himself to suffer alone. "i know things are difficult, but you have me to lean on now. you don't have to hide anything from me."

"thank you, liam," louis reaches up towards liam with his arm that has less iv's poking out of it. understanding what louis is trying to do, he carefully wraps his arms around louis' small body. louis leans into the hug as much as he can. "thanks for taking care of me. you really are keeping up with your title of daddy direction."

liam rolls his eyes at the old nickname. "of course, boo bear."

louis pulls out of the hug and lightly smacks liam's arm. "you're lucky i'm stuck in this stupid bed. otherwise, you'd get it. just wait for the next water fight on tour," he playfully threatens. "wait, what about tour? i have to be able to go. how would we explain it if i don't? i can't let the fans down. and what about writing? i should be in the studio," louis rants as he starts to panic. 

"don't worry about that," liam rets his hand on louis' shoulder to try to calm him down. "management cancelled our writing sessions. i told them you were ill. that's all taken care of."

"you're going to have to talk to a psychologist tomorrow," jay adds. "they'll figure out when you can go home and what your treatment should look like. that will most likely include discussing how the tour is going to continue. it'll all work out. don't worry about it, darling."

"i don't want to talk to a psychologist," louis whines. 

"you have to," jay firmly states. "it's not an option. we need to make sure you're not going to do this again."

"i'm fine," louis defends himself. "i don't need to talk to some fucking psychologist," he complains. 

"it's for the best, mate. we're only trying to help you," liam explains. 

louis shakes his head, suddenly becoming angry at the thought of being forced to talk to someone. "i don't need to fucking talk to anyone! i already talked to the two of you. i'm completely fine. i've been living like this for years. i can handle it. i'm fine. i'm not fucking crazy. i don't need a damn psychologist."

"you're not fine, louis, and that's okay," jay says softly. "this will help you."

"no it won't," he cuts her off. "i'd like to be alone now," he turns away from his mum and shuts his eyes, crossing his arms across his body. 

"louis," liam starts, but it's cut off. 

"i'd like to be alone now," he repeats, louder this time. 

jay nods and stands up from her chair, followed by liam. they don't want to make things worse by upsetting him even more right not. "i love you, darling. we'll be here if you need us."

louis says nothing as his mum and bandmate exit his room. he feels bad door snapping at them, but that is undermined by the anger and fear he has over talking to a professional. he knew that he was going to have to see a psychologist once his suicide watch was ending. the doctor told him that yesterday. he just never processed that he was expected to actually explain everything to a complete stranger for them to analyze and judge him. 

this is why it was so much easier to deal with this alone. no one was forcing him to talk or lay helpless in a hospital bed. he wishes the past two days could just disappear and he could go back to normal, where no one saw him any differently, and he could keep coping the ways he usually does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> harry just rescheduled his us tour yesterday and my show is now a monday in october and my college is at least six hours away from the arena so i’m now not going to be able to see him and i am so upset about it


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: mentions of self-harm, suicide, and homophobia

april 19, 2015. england. 

"good afternoon, mr. tomlinson. my name is doctor watson. i am here to talk to you and figure out how soon you can be discharged and what your treatment will be looking forward," a handsome and muscled man introduces himself. he wears a warm smile on his face and reaches a hand out for louis to shake. 

louis is still furious over having to talk to a psychologist, but reluctantly returns the handshake anyway. he hasn't yet decided if he wants to talk to the doctor. he refuses to believe that he needs to talk to this psychologist, but he knows that this is his only way of getting out of this hospital soon.

doctor watson skims through louis' medical records that he had been given access to. "it says here that as of this morning, your vitals were confirmed to be healthy and unharmed by your suicide attempt," louis flinches at the blunt mention of his actions. "tomorrow morning, your suicide watch ends and you will be allowed to be discharged, depending on how this session goes. i'm sure you're itching to get out of here."

he's right. louis can't wait to get home. he hates it in the hospital. the smell of disinfectant and the constant beeping of the heart monitor and all of the other machines is giving him a headache. he hates the way everyone is treating him like he's weak and fragile. he hates how everyone seems to be walking on eggshells around him. it's been about two and a half days since liam carried him into the hospital and he's desperate to get home. but still, that doesn't mean he's willing to spill everything to this man who he doesn't know, and who he doesn’t think he needs to talk to. 

doctor watson notices his silence, so he starts asking questions. "okay, mr. tomlinson, getting to know your life and your background will help me to evaluate you more accurately. is there anything you would like to start with telling me?" he asks. 

louis shrugs, remaining quiet. he has a thousand sassy remarks that are running through his head, but he doesn't want to give in to all the people who are claiming there is something wrong with him and he needs help. 

"i understand that you don't want to talk to me. i get it. maybe it's because i'm a stranger, or you think you'll seem weak if you talk to a psychologist. maybe you don't think you need to be here at all. i understand," doctor watson explains, sympathetically. "even though i believe everyone can benefit from therapy, no matter what their situation is, i understand your reluctance, but i am your only way out of here. if you choose to not cooperate, the hospital will have no choice but to bring you to the psychiatric unit and treat you as an inpatient until you start cooperating."

"you can't do that," louis finally speaks up. 

"you are currently a danger to yourself. your suicide watch can easily be extended," he states. "we cannot let you leave this hospital until we know that you're not going to be in danger as soon as you walk out those doors."

louis scoffs. "i currently have no plans to try again, if that's what you mean."

"that is part of what i mean, yes," doctor watson nods. "but, you also have recent self-harm scars. that is also a danger to your well-being and i am here to ensure your safety."

"i've never cut deep enough to die. i'm fine," louis insists. 

doctor watson shakes his head in disagreement. "that can easily go wrong and be more dangerous than you intend. self-harm is not a healthy way to cope with your emotions. are you ready to tell me about yourself now?"

"i'm in a band. you've probably heard plenty about me. or you can just look it up. the tabloids have loads to say."

"you and i both know that the media is an untrustworthy source of information," doctor watson says critically. "will those articles get me closer to understanding your self-destructive behaviors?"

louis scoffs. "you'd be surprised."

"then enlighten me. one of your bandmates recently left the band. we're the two of you close?" louis offers a single nod of his head in response. "how has his departure effected you?"

louis sighs in defeat. he knows he won't get anywhere by not talking, so he might as well satisfy the doctor, even if he doesn't tell the full truth. "it's sucked," he admits. "everything with the band is a lot harder and more difficult without him and i lost one of my closest friends."

"what do you mean you lost him? has he not contacted you? did you get into an argument?" doctor watson questions. 

"he didn't talk to me for weeks and when i finally got him to answer his phone when i really needed him, he called me a burden," louis elaborates. 

"when was this?"

"the night i decided to take those pills," louis thinks back to that day. he wishes he had those pills again with him right now. he wants to get back to that feeling of peace that he felt as he was drifting off to sleep. the relief he felt when he thought everything was finally ending is a sensation he would do anything to get back to. he can never tell anyone this, though. 

"oh," doctor watson says with a hint of surprise in his voice. "is that why you decided to try to kill yourself?"

louis shakes his head in denial. 

"would you like to tell me why you did then?"

"i dont know i guess i just got sick of everything," louis mumbled. 

"what do you mean?" the psychologist encourages. 

louis hesitates for a moment. he doesn't want to tell this stranger what really happened. he knows that his sexuality is the main problem, but louis feels uncomfortable coming out to this man, even if he is sworn to confidentiality. louis knows he's making the doctor slightly frustrated by not answering his questions, but he would rather that than have the doctor hate and attack him for being gay. 

"i don't get along with my management," louis decides. this statement is not a lie, but it's not the full truth. perfect. "i'll be done with them at the end of the year. it's not a big deal anymore."

doctor watson frowns sadly at him. he has seen first-hand the damage certain managements do to celebrities. they promise to make dreams come true while squeezing every ounce of life out of their bodies and turning them into money-making machines. "is that all that's bothering you, mr. tomlinson?"

"it's just stress," louis insists. "i'll work on getting a better way to cope."

doctor watson looks skeptical of his answer, but chooses not to say anything. "do you still plan on harming yourself?"

"i don't see how i could. i'll have my mum and liam breathing down my back every second," louis noted. "things will probably be easier now that they know."

"i'm sure they will help you in any way they can," doctor watson agrees. "i was told that they both have barely left since you were admitted. they care very much about you."

louis smiles. "yeah. i'm lucky to have them," louis speaks with completely honestly for the first time since the meeting started. 

"i am going to recommend that you start having weekly discussions with a therapist. your doctor will talk to you about some options. before you make up any excuses, most therapists are more than happy to do phone sessions, so you would still be able to get treatment while on tour," doctor watson decides. "i also recommend that you stay with a friend or family once you are discharged. seclusion can be most harmful to you at a time like this."

louis inwardly shoots daggers at the doctor. the last thing he wants is to have to constantly talk to some shrink. how would he hide that from harry? this whole hospital experience is going to appear sketchy enough. he hasn't been allowed to have his phone, so it has been almost three days since he has spoken to harry. that's the longest they have gone since they met. harry is bound to ask questions and will just be worried, since liam told him that louis was ill. 

"i really wish you had opened up to me more. therapy sessions can be very beneficial if you let them," doctor watson voices his concern and disappointment after another silence from louis. "i'm here to help you, but i can't do that with you refusing to talk to me."

"i don't know you. i can't trust you," louis defends himself. "i trust my mum. i promise i'll talk to her when i feel bad."

"talking to a professional can help a lot. i have seen people's lives get turned around by starting therapy. i think it would be very good for you. having a permanent therapist that you can get to know as your appointments continue will make opening up a lot easier. i can see you burying things. that is incredibly unhealthy," doctor watson analyzes with a frown on his face. "are you sure there is nothing more you can tell me that i can help with? are you sure it is just the stress?"

of course, louis brain flashes to harry. it would make most sense to bring up his sexuality, but he can't. being gay is a part of him that needs to be buried. none of this would have happened if he wasn't gay. he can't tell that to doctor watson, though. 

"okay, mr. tomlinson. if you have nothing else to say, i'll leave you to rest," he sticks out his hand for louis to shake. "it was nice meeting you."

"thanks, doc," louis forces out a weak smile. 

"please take what i said seriously. your doctor will help you find a permanent therapist, but it is up to you to make that happen," doctor watson pleads. "the only way to get better is by talking and having people to lean on. you don't need to force yourself through this alone. if you wish to talk to me again before you leave the hospital, just let your doctor know and we'll make it happen."

louis nods and silently watches the psychologist walk out of the room. he only gets about a minute of quiet before his mum and liam are bustling back into the room. 

"how was it, mate? did he help at all?" liam asks. 

louis shrugs and stays quiet. he pulls his blanket up to his chin and curls into a ball on his side. he wishes that the blanket could shield him from all of the demons that are coming his way. 

"once you get discharged tomorrow, i think it would be best if you came home for the rest of your break," jay softly brushes through louis' fringe with her fingers. "i think i'll worry too much if i let you go home alone."

louis nods. honestly, that's what he wants too. he wants to go back home and stay with his mum. if he can't be with harry for the next month, his mum is the next best thing. "do they know what happened?" louis asks in reference to his siblings and step-father. 

"i told dan," jay confirms. "i think he told fizzy and lottie that it was alcohol poisoning and i think the twins just know that you're ill. they're too young to understand, and we thought it would be best for you to tell lottie and fizzy on your own terms."

"thank you," louis comfortingly holds jay's hand in his own, squeezing tightly for comfort. he closes his eyes tightly, only now noticing how bad his headache is making his head pound. everything has taken too much energy for him today, and all he wants to do is fall asleep. 

"are you alright, darling?" jay softly asks, concerned with her son's movements. 

"headache," he mumbles. 

"liam, dear, can you please get a doctor? see if they can give him anything?" liam obliges to jay's request and gently shuts the door when he leaves the room. 

very shortly after, he returns with doctor hooper, who has been acting as louis' main doctor throughout his stay. 

"mr payne informed me that you have a headache. do you know what that is from? is that the only thing bothering you?" doctor hooper asks while checking the vitals on louis' monitor. 

"the smell and the sounds," louis whispers, knowing that it is pointless to hope to get away from that. he won't be able to until he is discharged. 

doctor hooper nods as she listens. "is that all? no abdominal pain or anything, right?" she confirms. 

"i feel nauseous, but nothing more than usual for the past few days,"  
louis informs. 

"good. that is most likely just from the medications you are currently on and a side effect of all those pills you took. pain is what we really have to worry about," doctor hooper explains. "i don't want to give you any more painkillers due to the fact you already have so many in your system and i don’t want to risk those having a reaction, so i think it would be best for you to just rest right now. of course, call me if you need anything, but if not, i will be back to check on your vitals in the morning and to discuss your therapy options before you are discharged."

"okay, thanks doc," louis attempts to give her his signature cheeky smile, but instead, he just looks pained and sad. 

"okay, tommo. we're going to go to let you rest," liam speaks up. "we'll be back in the morning."

"we love you so much," jay tells him. "you are so incredibly brave," she kisses him on the forehead and gives a light squeeze to his hand. "we'll see you soon, darling."

louis is somewhat thankful when jay and liam exit the room. it has been a long, emotionally draining day. he wasn't really in the mood to spend more energy and time talking to people, but he didn't want to be by himself. 

he knows that sleep isn't going to come to him too quickly, and being isolated mixed with boredom is always a perfect mix of ingredients to get his thoughts running wild. 

his mind is in a constant battle. the best and worst things in his life have happened because he is gay. sometimes louis wonders if he could give up harry to stop all of the hate he receives both from management and himself. he loves harry more than anything in the world. there is no question about that. it's just that sometimes, he is unsure if everything is even worth it. harry brings him so much joy and happiness, but everything else puts him down so much he can barely survive. 

this is what management wants though, isn't it? this is exactly what simon cowell was trying to do. they want to put the doubt in his mind. they would do anything to make their boyband straight, and it's working. it has only been three days since louis' phone call with simon, but he can already feel himself going back into his closet.

there was a time when he was so out and proud. he had come out to his family when he was sixteen after a few years of repressing his feelings, and it felt so good to open the closet door and take a breath of freedom. his family had been so accepted, it allowed him to embrace himself and be truly, authentically himself. 

of course, being gay wasn't the first thing louis told people about himself, but he didn't hesitate to tell if he had a boyfriend if someone asked. the bliss louis felt when being able to live for himself and not have to hide himself was the greatest feeling in the world. he entirely had his wonderful family to thank for that. 

then the x-factor came. he came out to his bandmates quite early on, and luckily after a while, the cute curly one confided in him that he wasn't straight either. louis was at his happiest then. still being truly himself and flamboyant publicly, especially during the video diaries they recorded on the stairs of the x-factor house for the fans, while at the same time, falling in love with the best person in his life. 

since then, harry has become so much more open with himself. he is not afraid to defy gender roles with his clothes or say a big "fuck you" to toxic masculinity. incredibly, harry has been on a journey of finding himself since the band started and since he got in his relationship with louis. the freedom louis had from his accepting family and friends from donny are like the freedom harry is gaining now. 

the euphoria of louis' freedom did not last for too long. all of a sudden, simon cowell grabbed louis by his cake-covered shirt and slammed him back into his vacant closet, starting to stack bricks in front of it, making sure he wouldn't be able to get out. 

eventually, the closet that louis had previously abandoned became his new home, and every day, more and more, louis wished that the closet would just vanish and allow him to actually be straight. the self-loathing he felt when he first discovered his sexuality and needed time to accept himself was nothing compared to what he feels now. 

now, while harry is piecing himself together, louis is breaking apart the pieces of himself, burying them in hopes of never seeing them again.

louis knows that nothing is going to turn him straight. he is in love with a man, and has no attraction to women, but he is creating this luxurious closet that is becoming so comfortable, louis never wants to leave. the closet is his safe place now. the place where simon cowell and the rest of the world will leave him alone. 

all louis has done for all these years has been to protect harry. now he's worried that in his desperation to shield harry from the vicious words from management, he will be harming him instead. 

he knows harry wants to come out once their contract with modest! ends. harry discusses it all the time, with that dreamy, hopeful glimmer in his eye. louis can't do that, though. his closet is here to stay, and louis doesn't want to trap harry in his closet. harry should be free to live and be who he is. he shouldn't have to be held back by someone like louis.


	16. Chapter 16

april 20, 2015. england. 

"mum? can i call harry and then can you come sit with me?" louis asks. "i don't really want to be alone," he looks down at his feet, being slightly ashamed of himself for being so reliant on his mum. he hates being so weak in front of her. 

"of course, darling," jay softly kisses her son's forehead. "go on, now. harry needs you, and you need him, too," jay turns louis around and gives him a gentle nudge in the direction of his bedroom. 

louis slowly makes his way up the stairs, still not completely used to being on his feet again. after three days stuck in a hospital bed, he can't go very far without an increased feeling nausea and soreness. apparently that's what happens when you overdose on pills and your body is still busy working everything out. 

once settled alone in his room, louis finally turns on his phone for the first time since his call with zayn. he takes the fluffy blanket from the foot of his bed and wraps it around his shoulders, needing the comfort. 

first, he notices a few texts and missed calls from liam about the writing session he was running late to. besides those calls, there was nothing from liam, since liam was at the hospital with him the whole time. 

he has four missed texts from niall, all asking how he is doing and if he is alright, because he had gotten about fifty messages from harry asking if he had heard from louis. sadly, there was nothing from zayn. 

worst of all, louis had about thirty missed calls from harry, and more texts than he could possibly count. louis feels awful for making harry worry like this. he feels bad that he left his husband so in the dark about what was going on, but he can't bear to break harry's heart even more with all of his problems. he knew that louis was ill. liam texted him saying that and mentioned that louis didn't have his phone, so most of the messages were from the first day, but harry still texted him daily, practically begging him to be okay. that breaks louis' heart. 

taking a deep breath, louis clicks on harry's contact and hits the call button. the system barely gets through the first ring before it is answered. 

"louis? is that you? holy shit, are you alright? i was so worried," harry's voice comes rambling out of the speakers. warmth floods through louis' entire body at the sound of harry's voice. he sounds sad and tired. louis feels so guilty for doing this to him. 

"i'm okay, love. i'm okay. i'm sorry i worried you," louis apologizes, wishing he could take back the pain he caused harry. 

"what happened? liam said you were ill and it was right after we got that call from simon and i thought something happened to you. liam said he couldn't tell me too much. i felt so helpless," louis can hear harry's tears through his words. 

"i'm so sorry i worried you," louis apologizes again, sincerely. hurting harry was the last thing he ever wanted to do. he was so focused on hurting himself, he never even thought about what he was doing to his husband. "i was stuck in the hospital for a few days. i had been feeling a little under the weather, so i had been taking some medication. i guess there's a reason why they tell you not to mix certain medications with alcohol," louis lies. 

"oh god," harry starts sobbing, no longer able to hold back his emotions. "i'm so sorry. i should have been there to help you. you need me right now and i'm stuck in california. i'm the worst husband. i am so sorry i wasn't there for you."

"no, no. don't do that to yourself," louis demands. "none of this is your fault. i promise. you can't blame yourself. please don't," he starts begging. he can't handle making harry feel any worse about this. this was all his own actions, not harry's. harry doesn't deserve to feel guilty about this. it is not his fault. "it's my own fault. i should have immediately called you, but i guess i was too in my head to make any rational decisions."

"i've been so worried about you, lou. you've been upset lately and all i want is to be able to spend time with you to make you feel better, and now i can't," harry says, sadly. "are you okay, now? why did you need to stay at the hospital for so long?"

"just protocol and stuff," he tries brushing off harry's worry. "they wanted to make sure there were no underlying effects from the pills and alcohol. i promise im okay. it's been more of a nuisance than anything, really. i missed a couple writing sessions. management is going to be up my ass," louis grumbles." today is 4/20 and i'm not even allowed to smoke. mum has even confiscated my cigarettes," he throws in the joke, trying to lighten the mood. keeping things as lighthearted as he can is the only thing that can keep him from completely breaking down right now. 

harry chuckles. "yeah, drugs probably wouldn't be your best bet right now," he smiles fondly at his husband. "so what now? i don't really want you to be alone for so long after that, especially if i won't be able to come home."

"don't worry. i'm in donny. mum didn't want me to be alone either," he assures harry. "it'll be nice. i've never really gotten the chance to spend any extended amount of time with the twins."

"as long as you're okay, nothing else matters."

"what about you? how are you with everything? i'm sorry i wasn't around. i know it's been really bad for you too. i should have been here for you," louis says, sorrowfully. his actions were so selfish. harry needed him too, and louis wasn't there for him. 

harry sighs. "i got drunk. then the next morning i called modest! and fought with johnny for a while, but i couldn't get him to change his mind. i thought that maybe i could convince them to let me come home," harry laughs at his optimism. "i should have known better."

louis curls up in his bed, holding his blanket tightly to his body, wishing it was harry. more than anything, he needs to be in harry's arms. "i'm sorry i wasn't here for you and put more stress on you," he apologizes, once again. 

"please don't apologize, sunflower. you're okay now. that's all i need," harry promised. "i even wrote you a song."

louis' face lights up. "really? can i hear it?"

"i started it after simon called. we just got everything finished yesterday," harry explains. 

"can i hear it?" louis pleads. "please?"

"alright, alright," harry gives in. "give me a minute."

harry climbs off the couch he was settled in and heads over to the kitchen. he grabs his journal that has all of the lyrics off the kitchen counter, and makes his way over to the piano. he opens the journal to the correct page and puts his phone on speaker. 

"lou? can you hear me?" he asks once he is all settled. 

"yes," louis responds, excitedly. 

"okay," harry whispers. "i'm not exactly sure what i want to call it yet. right now i'm leaning towards if i could fly."

he starts playing the first few chords before starting to sing. "if i could fly, i'd be coming right back home to you. i think i might give up everything just ask me to."

harry's voice rings through louis' phone speaker, filling him with warmth and comfort. he can tell all the emotion harry has put into the song, and it is absolutely beautiful. 

"pay attention, i hope that you listen, cause i let my guard down. right now i'm completely defenseless."

louis feels his eyes start to water. 

"for your eyes only, i'll show you my heart. for when you're lonely and forget who you are, i'm missing half of me when we're apart. now you know me, for your eyes only."

there are so many raw emotions in harry's voice, and louis can tell he means every word he is saying. how he got lucky enough to end up with harry, louis doesn't know, but he is so incredibly thankful he did. 

"i've got scars even though they can't always be seen, and pain gets hard, but now you're here and i don't feel a thing. pay attention, i hope that you listen, cause i let my guard down. right now i'm completely defenseless."

at this point, louis starts sobbing. he puts his phone on mute to prevent harry from hearing him. all of the emotions he has been dealing with for the past few days hit him like a truck and are all coming out now. the beauty of the words his husband wrote for him make everything seem so much better. all of his self-hate and pain fade just a little as he listens to harry's lyrics. 

maybe simon is wrong. harry loves him. this song is proof of that. maybe they're young, but that doesn't mean that they don't have everything with each other. they won't be split apart because of management. not even the all-powerful simon cowell can come between them. an ocean is nothing to two people who are so connected. 

louis keeps himself muted until harry finishes the song and he gets enough control over himself to not sound like he spent the entire time sobbing. 

"so, did you like it?" harry asks nervously. 

"of course i did!" louis exclaims. "it was so beautiful. i miss you so much," he wipes the tears from his eyes, clearing his vision. 

"i love you to," harry smiles, his husband's approval meaning everything to him. 

"i think i need you to sing that to me every day until tour starts again. maybe even after too. i haven't decided yet," louis demanded. 

harry chuckles. "of course, my sunflower. anything for you," he pauses for a moment. "since i sang for you, does that mean you'll sing home to me?"

"i'd need a guitar. i don't have one here," louis confessed. 

"then a capella? or on piano? please?" harry urges. 

"i don't even know all of the lyrics," he admits. "i don't really want to sing without accompaniment anyway," he says shyly. "my throat is still kind of sore and i haven't done any warm-ups. i haven't sang anything in days, and over the phone everything would be so distorted. my voice would be pretty shit."

"you sound like an angel when you sing," harry interjected. "but, if you don't feel comfortable singing right now, of course i understand and respect that. i just never want you to feel like you're not talented enough."

"maybe another time. or i can get liam to send the demo to you," he suggests. 

"i'd love that," harry states, proudly. 

louis smiles at his phone. he lets out a yawn, suddenly feeling exhausted from the events of the day. leaving the hospital and traveling up to doncaster took a lot more of a toll on his body than expected. "i love you so much, harry. i am the luckiest man in the world because i have you," he tells his husband. 

harry grins widely. "i love you, too. but, i disagree. you can't be the luckiest man, because that position is already filled by me."

"stop being such a sap," louis groans, but can't help the happiness he feels. 

"you sound exhausted, sunflower. you should probably get some rest," harry observes. 

"no, i want to keep talking to you. i've been harry-deprived. i haven't heard any of your cheesy jokes in days. i don't want to hang up now," louis objects. 

"we can talk when you're all rested and feeling better. i'll be here whenever you need me," harry assures. 

"promise?" louis asks. 

"i promise. now, go take a nap. make sure you're taking care of yourself. i'll ask mama jay for updates if i need to."

louis rolls his eyes. "fine. i'll talk to you soon?"

"of course. goodnight, darling. sleep well," harry says. 

"goodnight. i love you," louis hangs up the phone, suddenly feeling all alone again. the joy he felt from his conversation with harry fading quickly as soon as he is alone again. 

"mum?" he calls out. "mum!"

shortly, jay is pushing louis' bedroom door open. she enters and takes a seat near the head of louis' bed. he rests his head on her leg, and she runs her fingers through his hair. 

"how was harry?" she speaks up after a minute. 

"okay," louis replies. "i miss him."

"i know you do, sweetheart," jay says, sympathetically. "did you tell him what happened?"

louis shakes his head. "i told him that i has a bad reaction with medication and alcohol. it's not a total lie."

jay sighs. "i think you should tell him the truth at some point. you've been hiding it from him for so long."

"it wasn't supposed to go on for this long," louis insists. "i started this so i could cope for a little while, but somehow, everything keeps going even more to shit."

jay hates hearing her son talk like this. as a mother, she only wants what is best for her son, and it breaks her heart that she can't protect him from this. "it'll be alright, darling," she comforts. "i was looking into some of the therapists that doctor hooper gave us this morning. how about we pick one together when you're feeling up for it?"

"i don't need any damn therapists," louis grumbles. 

"it'll help you, louis."

"it'll make me weak. i don't want to be any weaker," louis demands. 

"you're not weak, of course you're not weak," jay argues. "i think it would be more accurate to say that you're the strongest person i know."

"i don't want to see a therapist," he repeats. 

"how about you try it for a few weeks? it won't make anything worse," she tries to reason. 

"please, i don't want to," louis looks up at his mum with a hint of fear in his eyes. he doesn't want for a therapist to analyze everything that is wrong with him. he doesn't even want to know everything that is wrong with him. he doesn't want to spill his darkest secrets to a stranger. but most of all, he doesn't want harry to find out. "i'll talk to you. isn't that enough?"

"of course you can talk to me, but i'm not a professional. i won't be able to help you enough," jay leans down and kisses her son's forehead. "why be dont you get some rest? you're getting yourself all worked up now."

"please stay?" 

"scoot over," louis slightly smiles as he adjusts himself to make room for his mum in the small bed. jay wraps her arms around him and holds him tightly. 

this is what they used to do when louis was just a child. when either of them we're going through a rough time, they relied on each other. when jay lost her job, when louis got dumped by his first and only girlfriend, when louis' best friend transferred to another school and they lost contact. they were always there for each other. jay has her motherly instincts to protect louis, but as the oldest son, louis has a strong determination to protect his mother as well. 

even though it is only the early afternoon, louis is completely exhausted, and stops being able to fight sleep from taking over his body.


	17. Chapter 17

april 21, 2015. england. 

"lou!" phoebe exclaims as she sees her big brother walk into the kitchen for breakfast. "mum said we couldn't see you last night."

she jumps into his arms to greet her brother with a big hug. usually, louis would have no issues catching the small girl, but his body is still weak, so the force causes him to stumble back a little. 

"be careful with him," jay scolds, noticing louis unsteadiness. "your brother is still not well."

louis says a quick hello to ernest and doris, who jay is in the process of feeding, before he pulls up one of the kitchen chairs and pulls phoebe onto his lap. he wraps his arms around her tightly. "i'm okay, mum. don't worry. now, how is my little phoebe doing?" louis asks, tickling her sides. 

phoebe giggles and latches her arms around louis' neck. "i'm so happy you're home again!" she exclaims. 

"so am i," he smiles back. 

he hears several pairs of footsteps coming down the stairs, and before he knows it, lottie, fizzy, and daisy are all hurrying over to him. louis gently picks phoebe off of his lap and stands to meet his other sisters in a hug. 

louis sits and makes conversation with his sisters and his mum while the girls rush to eat their breakfast before school. fizzy, daisy, and phoebe are all just happy to have their brother home for extra time, but the sad look in lottie's eyes tells him that she's worried about him too. he knows that will probably be a conversation he is forced into later. 

"can you drive us to school today, lou?" fizzy asks, hopefully. 

louis smiles. "i would love to-"

"not today," jay cuts him off. "now you girls better get off to the bus stop before you're late," jay hands each of her daughters a bagged lunch. "maybe louis will come with me to pick you up after school, though."

the girls' faces light up. they all nod excitedly before hurrying out the door to catch their bus. 

louis turns to his mother and sighs. "i can't even drive them to school?"

"you are still unwell. i don't think you are a position to drive a car right now, and i don't want to put you or my girls into a dangerous situation," jay defends. 

louis stomps his foot, childishly, angry at this whole situation. he hates feeling weak. he hates being treated like there is something wrong with him. it was never like this before. 

jay ignores that. "now that you're up and had some time to rest and get settled at home, i think it would be a good idea to go through some of those therapists together," she suggests. 

"nope," louis retaliates. "i am not going to see a therapist."

jay sighs, exhausted. all she wants is to help her son feel better, but of course he has to be very stubborn and difficult about this. "please, louis. it's for the best."

louis grabs an apple off the counter. "i'm going back to bed," he says, ignoring jay's pleas as he heads back upstairs. 

he places the apple on top of his dresser and curls himself back into bed. all louis has done for the past four days has been lay in bed, but he still doesn't have the energy to do anything else. he wants to call harry, but it is the middle of the night in la right now. louis doesn't want to disturb his husband and screw up his sleep schedule just so he doesn't have to be alone, so he's stuck lying by himself in silence. 

about fifteen minutes later, louis still has not touched his apple. he stares at the wall blankly, underneath a big fluffy blanket and clutching onto a pillow like he would disappear if he didn't. he feels completely empty right now, like he could just fade away and nothing would matter. 

jay softly knocks on the door, pulling louis back to reality. "louis? can i come in?"

"yeah," his voice cracks, but jay still hears him. 

she slowly pushes the door open and enters, carrying a plate of waffles and a cup of tea. "i brought you breakfast. i figured you needed more than just an apple," she spots it sitting on the dresser. "which you didn't even eat," she sighs, sadly. 

jay places the plate and cup on louis' bedside table and takes a seat at the foot of his bed. "i'm worried about you. i know you want to be strong and act like there is nothing wrong, but things clearly aren't fine. there's nothing wrong with needing a little help sometimes."

"i don't want to be a burden," louis whispers. 

"oh, louis," jay's heart aches for her son. "you could never be a burden to me. you're my son and i will always love you and not hesitate to help you through anything. i know for a fact that harry and liam, and probably niall all feel the same."

"but zayn?" louis shakily mentions the man who used to be his best friend. 

"he's being an immature asshole. there is no reason why he should have said any of those horrible things to you, but, i think you should try to talk to him," jay suggests. "you two were always so close. even if you don't become friends again, i think it would be good for you to at least try to neutralize the situation. it's not good for you to hold onto all this anger."

louis shrugs. "maybe."

jay reaches over and hands the plate of waffles over to louis. "you should eat up. your breakfast is getting cold."

"thank you, mum," louis takes the plate and carefully begins cutting the waffles into bite-sized pieces. 

jay kisses louis' forehead. "i'll let you eat in peace. just shout if you need anything. i'll be with the twins."

louis nods to acknowledge his mum's words and dives into his breakfast. the waffles are delicious. it's been too long since he's been treated to a nice homemade breakfast, especially one in bed. tour catering and room service could never compare to his mum's home cooking. he eats slowly, savoring the taste and being sure to not reawaken his nausea by eating too quickly. 

after the waffles are gone, louis starts sipping at his tea. it's yorkshire, his favorite. his mum always makes sure to keep the house stocked with it for when he is home. 

louis scrolls through his phone as he drinks his tea. he has a couple texts from niall from the night before asking how he's doing. before he fell asleep last night, he made sure to send him a text to let him know that everything was alright. the irishman seemed to be getting a little worried from the lack of responses he was receiving from louis, so louis didn't want to make that even worse. 

louis sends a text to harry to say good morning and that he loves him, and then puts his phone on the bedside table, next to the now empty plate and mug. he curls up under his fluffy blanket once again and drifts back to sleep. 

after a comfortable nap that lasted most of the day and a long phone call with harry once he woke up, louis is finally in the car with his mum, sitting shotgun on his way to pick up his sisters from school. dan is now home from work and watching over the youngest twins, and louis feels as if he went back in time. drives to the school with his mum to retrieve his excited sisters after class was a blast from his past. everything about being home in doncaster makes him feel so young again. it's only been five years, but the days when his life was so simple feels like a lifetime ago. 

once they arrive at the school, jay parks in the pick-up circle to wait for the girls. louis puts on a hoodie and covers his eyes with a pair of sunglasses to hide himself from any students who might recognize him. 

as soon as the students start filing out of the building, louis spots daisy and phoebe running together towards the car. louis carefully climbs out of the car to avoid getting lightheaded and bends down with his arms wide open to welcome the twins. 

"louis! i have my choir concert on thursday night! can you come? please?" daisy begs as soon as she pulls out of the hug. 

louis' face lights up. "i would love to!" he exclaims. 

"are you sure you'll be up for it, louis?" jay intervenes. 

"are you serious, mum? of course i'll be up for it. i'm fine," louis insists. "it's two days from now. i'm fine now, so i'll be even more fine then. it's not like going to daisy's concert is that much of an emotionally or physically taxing activity."

"i'm just worried about you," jay explains, trying to calm louis down a little. she doesn't want him to have a full outburst, especially in front of the girls.

"i'm the same as i have been while on tour doing shows of my own and i've been fine. there's no reason i shouldn't be able to go to watch and support daisy," louis argues. 

at this point, lottie and fizzy show up and give louis a quick "hello" and a hug before they all pile into the car and jay continues her worrying. 

"what if you get recognized? can you handle getting mobbed right now?" jay asks, worried about how louis would handle any added stress right now. she doesn't want him to hit his breaking point again. 

"it'll be fine, mum. i promise. there's no need to worry," louis gives her a wide smile. 

jay shoots him a look that says, "bullshit," but she doesn't say anything.

they spend the rest of the drive listening to the girls discuss school and how their day went. louis stays silent, but intently listens to the excitement and joy in their voices. louis loves his girls so much. their happiness means everything to him. their enthusiasm is able to lighten his mood from the argument he had with his mum just moments before. 

once they pull into the driveway and jay puts the car into park, all of her kids climb out of the car and start heading up to the house. jay stops before getting into the house, grabbing into louis' hoodie sleeve so he can't escape. 

"can you girls head inside? i need to talk to your brother for a moment. dan is inside with the twins. he'll make you a snack," jay instructs. 

the girls all hurry inside, not thinking much about what jay and louis need to talk about. they have all come to the understanding that some conversations are adult conversations that they can't be involved in. louis is the oldest and his life has gotten to be quite hectic in the past five years. the girls don't need to hear about some of it. 

"you can only go to daisy's concert if you promise to speak to a therapist," jay demands once her and louis are away from his sisters' curious ears. 

louis scoffs. "you have to be joking."

jay now is starting to look angry, but he knows that is just to mask her concern. "do i look like i'm joking? this is your life i'm talking about. i know you would hate to miss out on something that is important to daisy, but you'd miss out on even more if you were dead."

louis frowns. he never really thought about that. he has noticed lately that he has always been so stuck in his head trying to find ways to avoid his pain that he doesn't think about how his self-destructive tendencies effect the people he cares about. he saw it when his mum and liam were visiting him in the hospital. he noticed it when talking to harry the previous night. he didn't even think about how much he was hurting them. he doesn't want to set this example for his siblings. he's been faking his strength for them for years, but that would all be for nothing if he ended it all. 

he doesn't even want to think about all of the birthdays and graduations he would miss out on if he were gone. he doesn't want doris and ernest to grow up, not remembering their oldest brother at all. how would they all feel at his funeral? how would they recover? 

louis has always thought of himself as someone replaceable. he never considered the fact he could be someone who was missed. but his siblings all look up to him. he's always tried to be the best big brother he could. he's taken care of them when they're sick and has always supported them and loved them through everything. he wants to be their hero. that's why he insisted in staying so strong for them this whole time. 

he wants them to all grow up knowing how much he loves them. he doesn't want his death to be the only thing doris and ernest to know about their brother. phoebe and daisy still see him as their superhero. fizzy and lottie are old enough now to understand that no one is perfect, but they still see louis as a light that shines brightest. he doesn't want to take this childhood happiness away from them. he can't do that to them. he needs to be a hero for them. he can't be that hero if he's dead. 

louis looks down at the ground in defeat. "okay," he says, softly. "i'll go."

jay smiles and rubs louis shoulder to comfort him. "you have to take it seriously. i know you would rather just avoid all of their questions, but you have to try," she states, firmly. 

"okay," louis agrees. 

"thank you, sweetheart. thank you so much," jay pulls louis into her arms tightly. through the hug, he can feel just how much this means to her. louis rests his head on her shoulder, but doesn't have it in him to fully return the hug. he feels like he is being eaten alive by his thoughts and can feel the hollowness consuming him. 

"how about we pick someone tomorrow while the girls are at school? i can help you look them up or call them to see who would work best for you," she suggests, pulling away. 

louis silently agrees before turning to make his way inside. he trudges up the stairs into his room, not even fully pushing the door closed. he plops onto his bed and curls up into a small ball. 

normally when he feels like this, he would turn to his razors to get him functioning again. he can't do that right now. especially not under his mum's hawk-like vision. if jay is already being so protective, louis really doesn't want to see what would happen if she found him self-harming again. 

ever since he woke up in the hospital that first day, louis has been using sleep to avoid everything. he has nothing better to do. whenever his emotions have become too much, he's taken a nap, which was the perfect excuse to get everyone to leave him alone. 

louis has spent the past four days asleep. he's already taken a long nap today. as much as he would  
like to, louis can't fall asleep again right now. instead, he stares at his wall, arms wrapped around himself, unable to move.

it's like he's a black hole, sucking in everything around him, but feeling absolutely nothing. louis would almost rather feel sad right now, because at least sad is better than nothing.


	18. Chapter 18

april 23, 2015. england. 

"liam! thank god, i really need to start being productive," louis speaks up when liam answers his skype call that they had planned the day before to get some songwriting done. 

"no problem, tommo!" liam responds with a smile. "it's always easier for me to write with you, and it's probably also good for you do something creative right now to get your mind off of things."

"yeah, i've practically been stuck in bed for the past five days. i need to do something," louis groans, signifying his boredom. "i'm losing mind."

"like you've ever had any sanity anyway," liam snorts. "how is it being at home? how are you doing?" he asks, his tone becoming serious. 

louis shrugs. "it's alright. mum and i picked out a therapist yesterday. i'm supposed to meet with him sometime next week," louis informs him. "mum has been up my ass about it. she's been pretty overprotective since i got home. i guess she might be right."

"that's good, mate. it'll help. your mum is just worried. she's doing this because she's worried about you and she loves you. hell, i feel the same. if you weren't at your mum's right now, i wouldn't be letting you out of my sight," liam warned. 

louis smiles fondly at his friend. "i don't want you guys to be all worried about me all the time. i promise i'm okay. that's why i finally agreed to the whole therapist thing. i just hate being treated like im weak."

"i worry about you anyway. that's what friends do," liam responds and pauses for a second. "i'm guessing this is part of why you didn't want to tell anyone about this?" he assumes. 

louis nods. 

"it'll be alright, mate. no one thinks you're weak. you're so ridiculously strong. we just want you to know that you don't have to be strong on your own anymore," liam says, softly. 

"yeah, i know. i don't deserve you," louis says, appreciating the comfort liam is giving him. 

"of course you do. you're a great guy, lou. i know you're someone i'll always be able to count on."

"it's just that mum is barely letting me do anything. i had to beg her and agree to talk to the therapist just to get her to let me go to daisy's choir concert tonight. at least that's something to look forward to," he sighs. 

"that's great! i'm sure she'll be thrilled to have you there. it's good for you," liam says, proudly. "you should keep trying to do things besides staying in your house. being cooped up isn't going to be too good for you."

"i feel like i'm losing my mind. i need to get out and do something, but then when we're on tour, i count down to the days we have off and want to do nothing," louis shrugs. "i don't know what i want right now. i guess it's just good to be home in donny for a while."

"have you spoken to harry? how's he doing?" liam questions. 

"he's good. i told him that it was a bad reaction between some medication and alcohol," louis tells liam of his lie, hoping that will keep liam from accidentally slipping up in the future. "it's nice talking to him. he's not treating me any differently. i miss him."

"yeah, i know. i miss him too. is there no way he can come home?" liam asks, hopefully. 

louis shakes his head, sadly. "he called management. they refused."

"i'm sorry, louis. i can't imagine how hard this must be for you," liam says, sympathetically. 

louis shrugs, like it's not effecting him at all. liam knows that he's faking it, but clearly doesn't want to go on about it any longer. 

"so about the song?" he asks, changing the topic. 

louis gratefully jumps at the new topic and starts discussing an idea he had for a song recently. liam loves seeing the passion in louis' eyes as he starts to talk about music. the melancholy conversation they were having before disappearing from his thoughts. he's glad that even with everything that has been going on the past few days, he can still help provide this outlet that louis needs. 

it's a little difficult for the two of them to complete a song on their own, since they aren't experts on the instrumental parts of songs, but by the time louis and liam are ready to hang up their skype call, they have lyrics and a basic melody all written. louis has always been a lyrical genius. ever since he decided that he wants to write one direction's songs instead of getting their songs from writers, he has always excelled in lyricism. although liam is a little less strong on the lyrics, he makes up for it in melody, which makes them the perfect writing team. 

"it was great seeing you not in a hospital bed, tommo," liam admits as their conversation comes to an end. "since this went so well, maybe i'll talk to management about doing some songwriting sessions over skype with the other writers. maybe we'll be able to finish this one. only if you're up for it, of course. if not i'll tell management that you're still unwell," he suggests. 

louis shakes his head. "i'm fine. more writing sessions would be great."

liam smiles. "sounds good, mate! i'll talk to management about it and i'll let you know. i'll see you soon, yeah?"

"yeah. bye payno."

"bye!" liam ends the skype call and his face disappears from louis' screen.

louis closes his computer and pushes aside the paper that he had written the lyrics to their new song on. he throws the blanket he had draped around his shoulders back onto his bed. he does not have anything else planned until daisy's concert tonight. harry is busy writing and he has nothing else to do, so louis decides to head downstairs to see what his mum is up to. 

"hi, lou. how was liam?" jay asks quietly, noticing her son walk into the room where she is busy rocking doris to sleep. 

"he's good. we finished the lyrics for a new song we're calling what a feeling," louis explains with a smile. "he's going to talk to management about doing some skype sessions with some of the other writers so we can finish the instrumentals for the song and keep working on a few other tracks."

"that sounds like a good idea. it's good to see you smiling." jay replies. 

louis shrugs. "i enjoy working. well, most of the time," he adds. "is there anything i can do to help with the twins?"

"actually, yes. i have to go pick up some groceries from the shop. would you mind watching them while i'm out?" 

"can i come with? i'm desperate to get out of the house," louis begs.

"can you please stay here? dan and the girls won't be home for another couple of hours and i don't want to wake them. i just finally got them to fall asleep. they have been pretty rowdy today," jay asks hopefully. 

louis frowns slightly. "are you sure? i really want to get out of the house."

"how about we go out and do something tomorrow? just the two of us?" she suggests instead. "they opened a new tea cafe a couple blocks away. we can check that out?"

louis reluctantly agrees. at least he'll be going to daisy's concert tonight. that's at least something to do. 

"thank you, sweetheart. what would i do without you?" jay puts the now sleeping doris into her crib and stand up to press a kiss to louis' cheek. "i wrong be gone long. call if you need anything."

once jay disappears, louis takes a seat on the sofa and turns on the tv. he flicks through the channels until he finds a nature documentary to watch. once the documentary starts, louis lowers the volume and turns on subtitles so he can enjoy the program without waking the twins up from the noise. 

it turns out to be a pretty good documentary that louis found because before he knows it, jay is back home with all of the groceries, shortly followed by dan and all of the girls. daisy is buzzing for her concert, seemingly unable to wait until she can be onstage singing for her big brother alongside all of her friends in the choir.

once they are ready to leave, louis hurries upstairs to grab a hoodie and a hat to somewhat mask his identity for when they're out. doncaster is a decently small town and most people know each other, so the likelihood of getting mobbed by fans is very low, but a little bit of hiding can't hurt. tonight is about daisy, not him. also, as much as he hates to admit it, his mum might be right. he doesn't know if he would be able to handle getting mobbed right now, especially without his security here to protect him. 

before he knows it, louis is back in the auditorium at his old school, which brings back so many memories. he played danny in grease on this stage, which was a huge reason why he fell in love with performing. this is the first time louis has been back here. it's strange. phoebe, lottie, and fizzy scurry off to sit with their friends, but louis chooses to stay with his mum, dan, and the babies. he doesn't know anyone else here, anymore. 

while they wait for the concert to start, louis leans his head on his mum's shoulder. for a couple minutes, they sit quietly, listening to the chatter around them. louis is the one who speaks up first. 

"mum, i'm sorry i've been so shitty lately. you don't deserve it. i know you're only trying to help,"  
he apologizes, feeling sincerely awful about how short he's been with his mum lately. every time she has said something to comfort him or suggest something to help him, louis has snapped at her and has been unnecessarily rude. he never would want to hurt his mum, and he has come to realize that by rejecting all of her efforts to help, he's doing just that. 

jay kisses the top of his head. "it's okay, louis. i know how difficult of a time it is for you right now," she responds, sympathetically. 

louis nods in appreciation. he is thankful that she has been so forgiving, but he knows he probably doesn't deserve forgiveness this easily. nothing should be an excuse for how he has treated her. 

about ten minutes before the concert is set to start, louis notices a missed call from harry on his phone. he quickly slips past his mum and steps outside of the auditorium doors. once alone, he presses play on the voicemail and brings his phone up to his ear to listen to his husband's beautiful voice. 

"hi, sunflower. i don't know what time daisy's performance is, so i was hoping to catch you either before or after. just wanted to talk to you about writing today and see how you're doing. i love and miss you. let mama jay and everyone else know i miss them too. i'll talk to you later."

the sound of harry's voice is enough to put a huge smile onto louis' face. it's crazy how after almost five years, harry can still make him so giddy like he's a schoolboy with a crush. louis opens his messages to harry to send a quick text back. he writes out, "hi, love. daisy's concert starts in about 10 minutes. i'll call when i get home. love you xo". 

louis sends the message and as he puts his phone back into his pocket, he notices a girl shyly approaching him, seeming to be unsure if she should talk to him or not. 

"hi, darling, you alright?" he asks. 

the girl nods quickly. "am i bothering you?" 

"of course not. what's your name?"

"charlie," she replies. "i'm sorry, i saw you and i just wanted to say thank you for everything you and one direction have done for me. i know you're probably here with your family and i don't want to be intruding, i'm sorry."

louis reaches out and softly places his hand on her shoulder. "it's alright. i'll always make time for our wonderful fans. i have just as much to thank you for."

charlie plays with the sleeves of her shirt and looks down at the ground, nervous about talking to a man she has been looking up to for years. "i've been listening to one direction since 2011. i know you probably hear this a lot, but your music has always been an escape for me during hard times. no matter how difficult things seem, one direction is always the thing that can make it better, even if it's just a little," her voice is soft. " i just wanted to say thank you for that."

"can i have a hug?" when louis gets a nod of consent, he pulls the girl tightly into his arms. "i'm so happy we can do that for you. this is why we do it. our fans are everything to us," he releases his arms from around the girl and looks into her eyes. "you know, you help me too, and i'm sure the other lads would say the same. you make us so happy and hearing your stories makes us want to keep doing what we do. if anything, i should be thanking you."

"can we please get a picture before we have to go back in for the concert?" charlie asks, sounding a little more confident than she did before. 

"of course!" louis smiles. he wraps his arm around her shoulder and bends down a little so they could both fit in the frame of the picture. "it was great meeting you, charlie."

"you too, louis. thank you so much," charlie gives louis one last quick hug before scurrying off to head back into the auditorium. 

louis stands by himself for a moment, with a smile on his face. today was a good day. meeting such kind fans always brightens his mood, but it makes him feel even better knowing that he has a part in helping someone through their dark times. this makes it worth it for louis. he has always been so willing to take whatever shit management gives him as long as he can help other people, including the other members of the band and their incredible fans. they make it all worth it. he will always be willing to put their happiness first. 

still grinning to himself, louis makes his way back into the auditorium and slides back into his seat next to his mum.

"everything alright?" jay whispers. 

louis nods. "i missed a call from h and then i met the kindest fan," he says, still beaming. 

the sight of her son's upbeat mood allows jay to relax just a little. louis seems happy right now. he just wants to enjoy the music from his sister's choir. jay should allow herself to as well. louis is sitting next to her and happy. she can relax about him for the next hour or so. he'll be okay.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: brief mention of self-harm

april 30, 2015. england. 

the night after his first therapy session, louis ends up sitting on his bed, starting at zayn's contact on his phone, debating over if he should press call or not. zayn was a topic of discussion during the session, so his therapist recommended that louis tries to make amends with him. 

louis had promised jay to take the session seriously, so he told doctor banner about his ongoing conflicts with their management and about his fight with zayn, which were the two final events that caused him to reach his breaking point. doctor banner had been told about louis' suicide attempt, but didn't have much else because he had never been to a therapist before this. louis pretty much had to start from scratch. while they were talking, louis did his best to keep things vague enough that he didn't feel like he was spilling everything to the stranger. he wanted to ease his mum's mind, but he was still not comfortable talking to a therapist. he doesn't even feel comfortable talking to his own husband about a lot of this stuff. he's been keeping everything secret for a long time. how can he be expected to let all of his defenses down for someone he's never met before?

before he even entered the room, louis decided his sexuality was not something that was going to be discussed. he knows that it probably would be the most important thing to discuss, but he can't risk any more homophobia right now. he doesn't want to tell anyone that he's gay, especially not someone who he doesn't know or trust at all. logically, he knows that doctor banner's job is to listen to him and support him, but he's terrified that the therapist will also blame him for everything due to his sexuality. apparently management has ruined this for him. 

after telling doctor banner about his argument with zayn, the therapist suggested that he reaches out to zayn again. louis had tried calling and texting zayn a few times in the weeks prior to their argument, but hasn't bothered since. doctor banner thinks that if louis at least tries to work things out with zayn, it will relieve a lot of stress that has been building up on him lately. 

hoping that the doctor is right, louis agreed to calling zayn, which is why he is now sitting here, feeling as if time has slowed down as his thumb presses the call button and the phone starts ringing. 

each time the phone rings, louis heart races just a little bit more. he knows he probably isn't ready to have this conversation right now, but he knows he needs to. maybe zayn was just having a bad day, and that is why he snapped at louis. that would be understandable and louis would be able to forgive him. of course, louis knows that the word "burden" will probably always haunt him, but exchanging an olive branch with zayn will hopefully help, just a little.

finally, right before the call goes to voicemail, zayn accepts the call.

"hello?"

louis breath hitches in his throat for a moment. "hi, zayn."

"what do you need, louis?"

louis frowns. zayn does not sound happy to hear from him. hopefully this doesn't turn out as bad as it did last time. "i thought we should probably talk about what happened a couple weeks ago," louis explains, regretting his decision to make the call more each and every second. 

"what about it?" zayn asks. 

"you're one of my best mates. you've been completely absent ever since you left the tour, and then when i finally got you to talk to me when i really needed you, you treated me like i was nothing," louis answers. "why? we were so close."

"i don't want to have anything to do with that band anymore, louis. i hated the band. it was never what i wanted, youu know that," zayn states. 

"this band gave you everything you have. fame, money, opportunity. not to mention the other lads. we all love you, zayn. you're family to us," louis exclaims. "of course i recognize the bad shit that comes with being in the band, of course i do, i was just hospitalized for it. but, you can't just ignore everything this band did for you though. i thought we would mean more than that to you."

zayn pauses for a moment. "what do you mean by hospitalized?"

louis sighs. of course that's what zayn picked up on. something he didn't even mean to say. "you have your unhealthy coping mechanisms, i have mine."

"exactly, mate! you should understand why i want to separate myself from the band more than anyone else," zayn's voice gets a little softer. "i'm sorry, louis. of course i don't want anything bad to happen to you or the other lads, but have to separate myself."

"so you're going to throw away five years of friendship like it was nothing?" louis asks incredulously. "come on, zayn. please be reasonable about this. you're being a dick."

"i am being reasonable," zayn defends. "i was never happy in the band. you know this."

"i know you weren't happy, but i thought you loved us and that we were your friends," louis responds, shortly. "management and syco have put us all through shit. that doesn't mean you get to turn your back on us."

"look, louis, i'm not a part of the band anymore. i'm done with them," zayn points out. "i told you that you should get out of there and put everything behind you. that's what i'm trying to do, but i can't when you keep coming to me every time they do something shitty to you."

"i can't just quit the band. it's everything to me. i would fall apart without the band. i'm never going to get an opportunity like this again. i get to do what i love and create music i love that we get to share with people around the world. i get it if you're fine, but i need this job and i need my bandmates. you were included in that too. i guess not anymore."

"one direction doesn't concern me anymore. i left a bad situation. i'm trying to separate myself. you know this. we're on different paths now. i don't need to keep being drawn back. i'm done with them, louis," zayn insisted. "please stop dragging me back into situations with them."

"i tried to kill myself the other day," louis blurts out. "i really could've used you as a friend then. goodbye, zayn."

louis ends the call, not being able to take it anymore. as soon as the phone lines are disconnected, louis stops being able to hold back his tears. he curls up into himself and sobs into his pillow. 

zayn doesn't care about him anymore. that's to say he ever even cared to begin with. to an extent, louis understands where zayn is coming from. management seriously took a toll on his mental health, but that doesn't mean he should immediately bail on his friends, especially when they need him the most. 

louis hates doctor banner for convincing him to do this. it didn't make anything better. it made this situation a thousand times worse. louis almost wishes he could stay in the ignorant phase of hoping he caught zayn at a bad time and he didn't really mean what he was saying. this conversation ruined that. zayn meant every word bye truly believes that louis is a burden. he has spent the past five years doing everything he can to protect his bandmates make them happy, and a burden is all he is. 

at moments like these, usually his first instinct would be to run into the bathroom to spend some quality time with his razor. louis knows his mum would kill him if he did though, and then tell liam so liam could kill him too. second instinct is to grab a drink and get so wasted he wouldn't even know why he was drinking to begin with. knowing that's not a possibility right now, all of his thoughts are pointing towards harry instead.

louis picks up his phone again to call harry, trying to pull himself together as it rings. it only takes a few rings for him to pick up. 

"hi, lou. is everything alright?" harry asks, curiously. 

louis heard some voices in the background and the sound of a piano plucking out a few notes. "are you busy? i'm so sorry, i didn't even think."

harry frowns. he can hear in his husband's voice that something is wrong. "i'll be back soon," he whispers to his writing partners. he gets up from his piano bench and heads out of the studio in search of a private space. "it's alright, sunflower. you're more important. can you tell me what's wrong?"

"no, i'm sorry. i shouldn't have interrupted you," louis sniffles. "i'll talk to you later."

"no, you need me now. i promise you're not bothering me or interrupting anything important. we needed to take a break anyway. now please, talk to me," harry persuades.

"i just talked to zayn," louis mutters. 

"oh, lou," harry sighs solemnly. "i'm guessing it didn't go well?"

louis shakes his head even though harry can't see him and cries even harder. his body shakes with the force of his sobs, and as much as he wants to control himself for harry, he can't. 

"tell me what happened, my love," harry requests. 

"i thought it would be good to call him. try to work things out, you know?" louis hiccups, trying to get himself to calm down. "he doesn't care about us anymore. he doesn't want to talk to me anymore because i won't leave management. i thought he was my friend. what did i do wrong?"

"listen to me, louis. you didn't do anything wrong," harry promised. "he's being an ass and shouldn't have said anything like that to you."

"i hoped he was just in a bad mood when i talked to him the other day. he didn't even try to give me any excuses. he just doesn't care," this realization made louis break down once again. he barely even recognizes how weak he's being in front of harry right now because of how much he is hurting right now. he feels like his chest is closing tightening and all he can do is cry. 

"this has been a hard time for everyone, louis. give him time. maybe he'll come around," harry tries comforting his devastated husband. 

"he doesn't care, he doesn't care," louis repeats. "he hates me."

harry would give anything to be there with louis right now. he needs to hold louis in his arms and assure him that everything will be okay. that they will make it through together. it's killing him to be so far away right now. "it's not about you. it's about management. you know zayn has had a hard time dealing with them and he needs some time to get adjusted to being apart from them. we all love you. i love you most and i'd fight anyone for that, but we all love you and care about you."

louis' tears aren't slowing down at all. he has never dealt with goodbyes very well. him and harry both know that recovering from this betrayal from one of his closest friends is not going to be easy. this will probably be something that louis thinks about for a long time. there isn't much harry can do except be here for his husband to lean on. 

"can i tell you a joke? to make you smile?" harry asks, hopefully. 

louis rolls his eyes. "if you tell me a joke, it's probably not going to make me smile," he retorts. 

"oh, shut up. you love me," harry scoffs. "knock, knock."

louis sighs. "who's there?" he asks, going along with the joke. 

"hula."

"hula who?"

harry makes a popping noise with his mouth to make it sound like "hula hoop." harry weakly chuckles to himself, in hopes that he was at least able to cheer louis up a little. 

"you're a dork," louis says fondly, a small smile now on his face. "that was terrible."

"yeah, but i'm your dork and you love me," harry pauses and allows himself to become serious again. "i wish i was there with you, sunflower. i know there isn't really anything i can do about zayn, but i wish i could be there so you wouldn't have to deal with this alone."

"can you please sing for me? the new one?" louis pleads. 

"of course, sunflower. anything for you," harry responds without hesitation. "if i could fly, i'd be coming right back home to you," harry's soft, beautiful voice comforting louis with every word.

as harry sings, louis can feel the tension in all the muscles in his body slowly dissipating. harry's beautiful words making him feel just a little bit closer, despite the distance between them. every day since harry first sang the song for him, louis has requested it and now knows most of the lyrics by heart. his mouth takes the shape of each word as harry sings, and louis is so grateful for the short disruption from his racing thoughts about zayn. 

once harry finishes the song, he speaks up again. "i really should get back to my writing session now, lou. i'll call you as soon as i'm back home. i'll try to cut the session short," he promises. 

"okay," louis whispers. "i love you."

"i love you, too. can you go spend some time with your family now? i don't think it would be good for you to be stuck all alone right now," he requests. 

"okay, i'll head downstairs now. call soon?"

"of course," he vows. "i love you more than anything."

"well, i love you even more," louis argues. 

"whatever you say," harry responds with a hint of sarcasm in his voice. "love you," he says once again before finally hanging up the phone. 

keeping true to his word, after just a minute, louis climbs out of bed and shuffles downstairs to where dan is on the sofa watching the lion king with the youngest twins. 

wordlessly, louis picks ernest out of dan's arms and sits down next to dan, holding the child safely in his arms. the babies are all so innocent, so dependent. louis loves them so much and just wants to care for them. 

dan glances at his step-son, taking note of his puffy, glassy eyes and red face. it's obvious that he has been crying. "lou?" he asks cautiously. 

louis just shakes his head in response, signaling that he wasn't in the mood to talk about it. dan doesn't say anything, but he is sure to keep looking over to check on louis throughout the movie. he makes a mental note to talk to jay about this when she gets home. dan loves louis, but he isn't his father. louis is never going to feel as comfortable with him as he would be with his mum. dan knows what has been going on with louis and wants to do anything he can for the boy, but knows that jay is going to be the most helpful for him. 

dan reaches out and gives a gentle squeeze to louis' shoulder, letting the young megastar know that he is here for louis if he ever needed anything. louis leans into the touch and ends up moving over enough to rest his head on dan's shoulder. physical contact is always extremely comforting to louis. between dan and ernest, louis has just enough to hold himself together right now.


	20. Chapter 20

may 3, 2015. england. 

louis wakes to a pair of soft hands gently massaging out the tension in his back. louis sighs softly, burying his face into his pillow. skillful fingers start working out the knots in his tired muscles. he feels his mum's weight sit down next to him on the bed and she kisses the back of his head softly. 

her soft touches do wonders in relaxing him, making the difficult few weeks he has been having seem to fade away for just a moment. louis keeps his eyes shut, hoping to keep the tranquility of his environment right now for as long as he possibly can. this massage combined with the soft blanket he has himself wrapped in are the perfect distraction for him. 

"morning, mum," he finally mutters sleepily after a few minutes of comfortable silence, so relaxed he is barely awake. 

"not your mum, but we can always talk about it if this is a new kink you've discovered," a deep, slow voice drawls out. 

louis jumps up and turns around, his eyes meeting the deep green ones that he had been longing for more than anything. 

"harry, what the fuck?" louis gasps in surprise, throwing his arms around harry's neck, in disbelief that the love of his life is here with him right now. "am i dreaming? is this real?"

harry chuckles, burying his face into louis' shoulder. "of course this is real. i'm here, sunflower. i'm here."

louis' eyes start to water as he clings onto his husband like a lifeline. "you're here, you're actually here," he cries, unable to express his gratitude of finally being able to hold harry in his arms again. he thought it was going to be another month before they got to see each other again. every day, the distance seemed to be harder and harder to deal with, and he never imagined that harry would show up in his childhood bedroom out of nowhere. this is the happiest he has been in a long time. 

harry starts placing kisses to the side of louis' neck. the comforting touch is everything louis needs. "i missed you so much, lou. being apart from you is so fucking hard."

louis finally loosens his grip on harry and pulls away from the hug just enough to press their lips together. both of them have been so deprived of each other during the past month, they have only been a shell of who they are. physically, their bodies have been apart, but neither of their hearts matched their locations. 

the pair kiss each other so passionately, trying to make up for the lost time. neither even care about louis' morning breath as their lips move together. louis hands tangle themselves in harry's hair and harry runs his hand up and down louis' back, until it finally comes to rest on his hip. both of their faces are wet with tears, but they don't care. every kiss between them is magical anyway, but this is on another level. 

when they finally pull away, they stare deep into each other's eyes and louis runs his thumb across harry's cheek. "how are you here?" he asks softly, knowing there is no way that management would have agreed to this. part of him worries that this is just a dream and he's going to wake up alone, desperate for his husband who is so far away. 

"i had a three day break, and then one day of writing, and then another two days off, so i called the writer i was going to work with and asked if we could reschedule without telling management so i could come home, and she agreed, so we have six days together that management never needs to know about," he explains. "i fly back on the eighth."

"thank you, thank you, thank you," louis repeats, still clinging onto harry. "i can't believe you're here."

"being away from you was killing me," harry admits. "i needed to see you. of course i wish i could stay with you until the tour starts up again, but this is better than nothing."

"so much better. you are my favorite person in the world."

"i better be," harry responds, cheekily. "that is why you married me, isn't it?"

louis rolls his eyes fondly. "of course not. i married you because you're hot. you being the actual best person to ever exist just happened to be a bonus."

"oh, shut it," harry pulls himself out of louis' grip and stands up from the bed. "i planned this all out with jay. i thought we could go stay in london and maybe spend a day visiting my mum, robin, and gemma?" he suggests. "it's all up to you. we can stay here if you want, or stay at a hotel in scotland. anything you want. except i had to promise to bring you back here when i have to fly back to america."

"that sounds perfect. i don't know what i ever did to deserve you," louis smiles at his husband. "these last few weeks have been so incredibly shitty and this is exactly what i needed. thank you."

"i know," harry answers, sadly. "i needed to do what i could to cheer you up. i've been worried about you."

"no need to be worried. you're here now. i'm perfect."

harry giggles at his husband. "that's a good idea for a song. we're perfect," harry ruffles louis' hair, making his bed head even worse. "you better get ready and pack anything you need. i'm going to help mama jay with breakfast."

louis stands up on his toes to reach to give harry one last quick kiss. "i love you."

"i love you too. i'll see you in a few minutes," harry gently brushes louis' hair away from his eyes before leaving the room and heading downstairs to help jay and say a proper hello to all of the kids. 

as soon as he had arrived to louis' childhood home in doncaster, he could barely say anything to anyone after jay let him into the house. his thoughts were too set on getting to see louis that he couldn't focus on anything else. the moment he had been waiting for ever since he got in that car after the last show has finally arrived. harry feels lost when he is away from louis. no matter where in the world they are, louis always makes harry feel like he is at home. 

harry makes his way down to the kitchen where the rest of louis' family is busy setting up for breakfast. daisy and phoebe immediately run over to harry to greet him in a hug. 

jay, louis' stepdads, and all of the kids have so openly accepted harry into the family, which harry could not be more grateful for. he loves having six kids that he can treat as his younger siblings and spoil as much as he possibly can. jay, dan, and mark have also welcomed him with such open arms and have made their love for him very obvious. he makes their son happy. that's all they could ever ask for. 

after greeting all of the kids, harry makes his way over to jay to help her finish making pancakes for the family to eat for breakfast. jay pours the batter onto the skillet, while harry carefully arranges chocolate chips to make smiley faces on all of the pancakes. that is a great way to keep winning over the young children, as well as his very childish husband. 

soon enough, the plate of pancakes is set on the table and the kids dig in, not waiting for louis to show up. harry leans against the counter and makes small-talk with jay while dan sits at the table, feeding doris and ernest. 

"how have you been doing, harry? we haven't really had the chance to talk about you lately. i never was able to make sure you're doing okay," jay asks, her motherly instincts kicking in. 

harry smiles at her. "a lot better now that i'm here. this has been a rough time for everyone. mostly lou. i just need to make sure he's alright."

"you make him really happy, you know? there's not many people i would trust with my louis, but you are the best possible person he could have. he would do anything for you," jay explains, turning away to busy herself with washing the dishes in the sink. 

harry grabs a towel and starts drying. "i'd do anything for him. i'm glad he's been here. i never like the idea of him being cooped up in london by himself."

jay nods. "he's always been so good with other people. especially the girls when they were young. he's happiest when he can make other people smile. he has always been the brightest light i have ever known."

"my sunflower," harry whispers to himself with a fond grin. 

jay shuts off the tap and turns to look at harry. "i want to thank you for doing all of this for him. he's been dealing with a lot lately and really needs something like this right now. thank you for loving my boy."

harry puts down his towel and wraps his arms around jay. "i'm doing this just as much for myself as i am for him. i'm lucky we get to tour together. i can't imagine what it would be like if i couldn't see him most days," he pulls away from the hug. "i love him more than anything."

"you better be talking about me," louis' voice makes all of them turn towards the kitchen entrance. louis watches his mum and harry's interaction with a small grin on his face. 

harry smirks. "actually, we were talking about niall, right jay?"

"oh, yes. he's such a sweet boy. i hope i'll get to see him soon. he always laughs at my bad jokes jokes," jay plays along. 

louis rolls his eyes, but makes his way over to get a kiss from harry anyway. phoebe and daisy quickly turn away from them, still being innocent enough to think that kissing is gross, especially if it is their big brother. 

"eat up, sunflower. we have a long drive to london," harry nudges louis towards the table, where there are only a few smiley-face chocolate chip pancakes left for him. louis pulls harry over with him and sits on his lap as he eats, not wanting a single second to go by without him touching harry. 

soon enough, louis finishes his pancakes after sharing a few bites with harry, and the couple are ready to leave. 

"you better take care of my baby," jay warns as she pulls harry into a tight hug. 

"of course i will," harry promises. "i'll see you when i drop him off at the end of the week."

"thank you," jay whispers in his ear before pulling away from him and going to get a hug from her son. 

"love you, mum," louis tells her. 

jay squeezes him tightly. "i love you, too. if you need me at any point, you better call. please at least text me to let me know how you're doing every day. make sure you’re taking care of yourself."

louis sighs at his mum's worry. "i will. i'll be fine, mum. don't worry."

jay gives louis a silent glare, knowing louis will pick up on what she wants to say, but not have to say anything out loud that harry would be able to hear. 

louis gives his mum a kiss on her cheek. "i'll be fine. i promise," he says, softly. 

harry picks up louis' bag that he has left near the door and takes louis hand. they say one last quick goodbye before heading out the door to harry's car. harry hurries slightly ahead of louis so he can open the door for him, being the true gentleman that he is. harry then places the bag in the backseat and climbs behind the wheel. 

"when did you get here?" louis asks. 

"a few hours ago. i had my car driven to the airport so it would be ready for me as soon as i landed," he explains. "i had to get here as quickly as possible."

"are you going to be okay to drive all the way to london, love? you must be exhausted," louis frowns, concerned with the well-being of his husband. 

harry shakes his head. "don't worry, lou. i slept on the plane. i'm just going to need lots of cuddles when we get home."

"i can help with that," louis giggles, lacing his fingers through harry's hand that is not on the steering wheel. "why didn't you tell me you were coming?" louis inquires. 

harry shrugs, taking a quick look away from the road to glance at his husband. "wanted it to be a surprise. i was trying to find ways to come see you and then after what happened with zayn the other day, i knew i had to make that happen."

"i truly am so lucky to have you," louis says. "i love you."

"i love you, too. now, i don't have too much planned for us to do. mostly cuddling on the couch. we can do anything you want," harry explains. 

"i just want to spend time with you, love," louis answers. "i don't care where we are or what we're doing."

"maybe we can work on a song together at some point," harry suggests. "management has never scheduled us to write alone together, so we just never have bothered. i've heard great things about you. i think i should get a chance to witness that greatness in action."

louis raises an eyebrow. "if that's what you want to do, of course we can," he agrees. 

harry smiles, staring at the road ahead of them. the three hour drive is the perfect time for them to adjust to being together again and talk about whatever they want. even though they spoke over the phone every day, that is completely different than being physically with someone. it's a whole different level of intimacy that they have both missed so much. 

once they finally arrive at their house in london, the couple grab their bags from the backseat of the car and make their way inside. 

"i'm sorry it's such a mess in here. the last time anyone was here was when liam came to get whatever i was going to need when i went up to donny," louis apologizes, hating how much of a disaster the place is. louis has never been the neatest person, but this is worse than usual. the last time he was here, he was drunk off his ass and never had the chance to tidy anything. he feels bad that harry just came home to this. 

"i honestly couldn't care less about the mess. i'm exhausted and all i want to do is go to bed and cuddle," harry says, the clutter being the last thing on his mind. 

louis takes harry's hand and leads him up to their bedroom. they drop their bags on the ground. those can be sorted out later. the two fall into their large, comfy bed, louis with his arms wrapped tightly around harry. 

it isn't long before harry drifts off to sleep. even though he slept on the plane, he is still jet lagged and exhausted. it has been a long day for him. 

louis can't sleep yet, though. his thoughts are racing too much. the last thing he expected from his day was to end up in bed in london, with his husband in his arms. he can't be more happy it ended like this, though. 

louis eyes the empty bottle he left on the bedside table, but the bad thoughts don't flood his brain like they usually would. he is just so happy and thankful that harry is here with him to focus on the bad shit that has happened lately. harry just makes him so ridiculously happy, he feels like he's on the top of the world. 

usually when louis is saddest for seemingly no reason, it's when he's alone. he's had such a bad month because he's been alone and has had to deal with too many things that were breaking him down by himself. now, as he holds harry in his arms, he finally feels okay again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :)


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: poorly-written sexy times ;)

may 4, 2015. england. 

"you know, louis," harry starts with a mischievous grin on his face. "i don't think you have any more excuses to not play home for me," he points out. 

louis raises an eyebrow and glances up at harry. he has been laying across the couch with his head resting on harry's leg for the past hour. it's little things like this that have probably been what louis has missed the most. "oh, yeah?" he responds. 

"yep. i know you have your lyrics here and we have any instruments you need. i just flew half-way across the world for you. i think that deserves you singing to me," harry hopefully asks. 

"are you sure? i can ask liam to send the demo he made," he suggests, shyly. 

harry frowns. "you're the most talented person i know. i want to hear you sing it."

"okay," louis gives in, watching harry's face light up in excitement. 

"seriously? i thought it was going to take a lot more persuasion than that." he jumps up happily, causing louis' head to fall back to the couch. 

louis groans and sits up. "what kind of persuasion did you have in mind?" he asks suggestively. 

"doesn't matter. you already agreed," harry grabs louis' hand and pulls him to his feet. "maybe i'll change it into a "thank you" instead."

harry leans down and softly kisses louis' lips. louis immediately wraps his arms around harry's neck and pulls him closer. the kiss becomes more passionate, which louis uses in part to try to get harry to forget about the song. harry seems to catch on to that, so he pulls away. 

louis whines in protest. "come on, harry. it's been over a month."

"it's also been over a month since i've heard your beautiful voice sing for me," harry mentions. then, without giving louis any time to think, harry scoops him into his arms. 

"harry! put me down!" louis exclaims, trying to wriggle out of harry's grasp. 

that just makes harry hold on tighter and carries louis towards the music room in their house, ignoring all of his protests. it's not harry's fault. he can't help it that his husband is just so tiny and easy to pick up and carry around whenever he wants. 

harry sits louis down on the couch they have in their music room. "what do you need? a guitar, right? and where is your lyric book?"

louis sighs in defeat, getting up to grab the lyrics from the book he left on top of the piano. while he does this, harry takes an acoustic guitar out of its case and hands it to louis. 

louis opens the notebook to the correct page and plucks each of the guitar strings, adjusting them slightly to tune it. louis is far from the best guitar player in the world, but he knows enough to play the correct chords during the song. 

"h, come here," louis requests, wanting harry to sit next to him, which he does. the comfort of harry being next to him calms him a little. he's usually a little shy about singing, but right now, he's just worried that harry is going to hate the song. louis really liked home when he wrote it with liam, and more than anything, he wants harry to like it too. this song is for harry. what would be the point if he hates it?

"make a little conversation, so long i've been waiting to let go of myself and feel alive," louis hesitantly starts after playing a few opening chords on the guitar. he glances over at harry, who is wearing the biggest smile on his face. 

harry's reaction to the first few lines give louis a little more confidence going into the rest of the song. "so many nights i thought it over, told myself i kinda liked her. but there was something missing in her eyes."

harry reads along with the lyrics as louis sings, falling even more in love with him. louis is a lyrical genius. he always has been incredible at putting his emotions into the most beautiful words. he just has this amazing way with words that no one else can compare to. what he creates is art. and louis is singing about him, so it makes harry feel like art as well. to louis, harry is a masterpiece, and wanted to capture just a little bit of that in the song. 

"i was stumbling looking in the dark with an empty heart, but you say you feel the same. could we ever be enough? baby we could be enough."

this lyric makes harry beam. even with all they have gone through, hearing louis declare that they are enough means everything to him. he didn't even just say it to harry alone, he boldly put it in a song that could end up on the final album. what a great "fuck you" to management. 

he happily listens to louis’ beautiful voice for the rest of the song, taking in each of the lyrics. as the song progresses, louis seems to get more comfortable singing it, especially from seeing the positive reaction from harry. 

"i love how much if i could fly and home go together. if i could fly home," harry says with a smile, reflecting the two songs they had written for each other at roughly the same time. even though they were so far apart, this shows how connected they are. "it'll always be you."

"you're my home."

harry gently takes the guitar from louis' hands and places it on the table. he pulls louis tightly into his arms, which louis reciprocates. "i love you more than words could ever say."

"so you liked it?" louis asks, nervously. 

"did i like it?" harry gasps, slightly in shock that louis could doubt it. "i loved it, sunflower. thank you for singing for me."

louis nuzzles him face into harry's neck and breathes in the comforting scent of his husband. louis assumed after five years of touring and performing in front of huge crowds, he would eventually get over his nerves of singing in front of other people, especially his partner. as much as he loves singing and performing, that sadly has not been the case. especially when he's singing in front of such an incredible vocal powerhouse like harry. 

louis softly kisses harry's neck before pulling away. he climbs off the couch and grabs the guitar off of the table and puts it back into its case. harry stands up as well and once the guitar is away, he places is hands on louis' hips. he looks deeply into louis' eyes like he is the most beautiful thing in the world and he would never want to see anything else. 

louis stand up on his toes to passionately bring his lips up to harry's. harry ducks his head down just enough for their lips to comfortably meet. louis sighs into the kiss, feeling like at this moment, there is no place else he would rather be. it doesn't take long for their kiss to become heated. it has been a month since they've had sex, which is probably the longest the two have ever gone. they had a lazy day yesterday, barely even getting up to go to the kitchen to get food. they spent their entire day cuddling, completely innocently. that is what they needed then. now, what they need is the exact opposite of that innocence. 

louis pulls back for just a second. “am i going to get my reward now?” he asks, suggestively. 

harry doesn’t verbally respond. instead, he brings his hands down to louis' thighs and scoops him into his arms to bring him up to their bedroom. louis’ legs wrap around his waist. harry truly will take any excuse to pick up his adorably small husband and carry him around. as harry carries him, louis takes the time to kiss up and down harry's neck, being sure to gently bite down in all the places he knows harry is most sensitive. 

as soon as they are in their bedroom, harry carefully places louis on the bed and climbs on top of him. this time, harry is the one to work his lips across louis' neck and face. louis deserves to be treated like a king, so that is exactly what harry is going to do. with all that louis has been dealing with lately, he deserves to feel as much pleasure as harry can give him. 

louis tries holding back his moans, but ultimately fails, especially when harry's hands finally make their way down to the front of louis' jeans. harry unbuttons his jeans, but before he can get any further, louis grabs onto harry's shirt and begins pulling it up. understanding what louis wants, harry detaches his lips from louis' for a brief moment, just enough time to pull the shirt over his head. 

after it's off, harry immediately brings his lips down to meet louis' once again. his hands make their way back down to louis' now unbuttoned jeans. he starts sliding them down his legs, not once breaking the kiss. louis runs his hands up and down harry's torso, savoring the feeling of his smooth skin underneath his fingertips. the feeling of being physically intimate in this way is something the couple has missed so much and something they want to savor as much as possible. 

louis grinds his hips upwards before harry even has the chance to fully pull his jeans off. harry chuckles slightly at his needy husband, but complies to his wishes by bringing one hand up to the bulge in his boxers, while the other keeps working on getting his jeans off. 

once louis finally kicks his feet free and he is left with just his shirt and boxers on, he starts working on harry's jeans. louis' hands fumble a little, being too distracted by the hand in his boxers to fully concentrate on the task at hand. the sinfully tight jeans that harry always wears are both a blessing and a curse. louis can't complain about how good they make harry's legs and arse look, but they truly are a pain to get rid of in the heat of the moment. if louis could have a superpower, literally anything in the world, he would choose to have the power to make harry's trousers disappear without having to fight them at all. what else is worth it?

louis has to break away from the kiss to fully get harry's jeans off and wastes no time pulling his boxers down as well. he tosses them off the bed, to the floor, no doubt for harry to trip over later on. harry takes this as an invitation to rid louis of his boxers and start kissing louis' hips and thighs, making louis groan in anticipation.

"come on, harry. quit teasing," he begs, and is more than happy when harry complies. 

harry's mouth works wonders. a month without practice has had no effect on harry's skills. euphoria fills louis as harry's mouth works him closer and closer to an orgasm. not wanting harry to stop, but still wanting more, louis reluctantly pulls harry away when he is nearly at his climax. 

harry gives louis one last stroke with his hand before briefly climbing off of louis, but not before giving him a quick kiss on his cheek. he grabs the bottle of lube from their bedside table and situates himself back over louis. he covers his fingers in the lube to prep louis. it has been a while since they have had sex, and even longer since louis has bottomed, so he definitely is going to need a good amount of stretching. 

louis begs for more as harry works him open as gently as he can, doing his best to pleasure louis at the same time. louis whines from the pleasure of harry's fingers, but still is so desperate for more. the sound louis makes turns harry on even more, but he doesn't allow it to cloud his judgement too much, still being sure to give louis the necessary amount of preparation. the last thing harry wants is to cause his lover any pain, but to louis, it feels like an eternity of teasing. louis moans in relief when harry's fingers finally retreat and harry covers himself in lube. 

finally, harry slowly enters louis and their bodies become completely connected for the first time in a month. louis let's out a moan of pleasure as harry fills him up. once fully in, harry leans down and his lips start moving against louis' once again. harry then starts thrusting in and out of louis, enjoying the sensation of louis moaning against his lips. 

harry pulls away and opens his eyes, admiring the sight of his husband below him. there is no one in the world he loves more. this is something he has only shared with louis, and he wouldn't have it any other way. their relationship has started while they were on the x-factor, but they didn't officially get together until after they had moved into princess park together. they were so young back then. it wasn’t until a few months after that when they finally lost their virginity to each other. they have been committed since then, and harry is glad that this is something he shares with louis and no one else. 

it's when louis is a whimpering mess underneath him when harry notices the pain that constantly lives in his eyes is gone. he can’t think of any troublesome thoughts when harry makes him feel so good. the pleasure he feels from harry thrusting into him takes over his body. giving louis this satisfaction is possibly harry's favorite part. he loves seeing the way louis falls apart underneath him, becoming so desperate for harry. 

louis rocks his hips in motion with harry, thinking of nothing except the way harry keeps hitting his prostate with every single thrust. "harry, close," he pants, not remembering how to form any other words. 

"so am i," harry moans in response. he speeds up, hitting louis' prostate faster and harder until they both reach an intense orgasm. 

harry pulls out of louis' now quite sore arse and collapses next to him on the bed. louis curls up into harry's strong, warm arms. he wants nothing more than to hold onto harry so tightly, they become one. it's not unusual for louis to get extremely clingy after he bottoms, but today, he is even more desperate than he would normally be. louis is finally in a state of bliss, being completely relaxed and happy for the first time in quite a while. louis doesn't want to let go of harry in fear that this mindset will fade. harry doesn't mind, of course. post-sex cuddles are one of his favorite things. he needs to be holding onto louis just as much as louis needs to be holding onto him. neither of them care about the dirty sheets or louis' soiled shirt. their need to hold each other is much stronger than their desire for cleanliness.

they have no need for words right now. they feel more connected than ever, even though the only sounds are their heavy breaths. passion and love flow through their veins. they can feel the deep love they have for each other and how much it means for them to be in the same bed right now. it proves that they have won. the simple act of being together is defiance, but they don’t care. 

it has never just been sex between them. obviously they both enjoy the pleasure, a lot, but by far, the most important thing is the intimacy. no matter what happens, this connection they have is something management, nor anyone else, could ever get between. they have each other, and that means more than anything else. 

eventually, louis' breaths start to slow down from their elevated pace. harry runs his hand up and down his back to comfort him. he can tell that louis is exhausted, but knows that it is sometimes hard for him to fall asleep while in this mindset. 

ignoring the fact that his voice is slightly hoarse from all of the moaning, harry begins to sing softly, luring louis to sleep, like he usually does in these situations. he decides the most appropriate thing he could sing right now is what he remembers from home, so that is exactly what he does, and how louis finally drifts off to sleep in his arms. "it's alright calling out for somebody to hold tonight, when you're lost i'll find the way. i'll be your light. you'll never feel like you're alone. i'll make this feel like home."


	22. Chapter 22

may 5, 2015. england. 

"wow, harry! this song turned out great!" louis exclaims once he and harry wrote the last lyric of their new song, perfect. 

"i agree. it definitely has a chance to become a new fan favorite," harry says with a smile. "you're officially my favorite writer that i've ever worked with. i can't believe i haven't written one-on-one with you before this. you're a genius."

louis shrugs. "maybe it's because it's hard for me to look at you when you get all serious and into the song without me dropping to my knees in front of you."

harry rolls his eyes. "behave yourself," he scolds. 

"you know that's not what you want,"  
louis scoffs. 

"you're right, but we're working."

"we're done working now," louis whines. "and we're literally in our house. no one can stop us," he climbs onto harry's lap flirtatiously. 

harry shakes his head, trying to ignore his husband's advances. "we still have things to talk about, though. you can't get me too distracted just yet. what is the plan for finishing the instrumentals?"

"one of us can bring it to a writing session and work on it there. not a big deal," louis decides. 

"and what are we going to tell management about this? we're not supposed to be together, remember," harry raises an eyebrow.

"we'll say that we wrote it in different places. over the phone or something," louis brushes off his concerns.

"will that work?" harry asks nervously. 

"i don't see why not. they know we call each other. why would it be so crazy for us to write then too?" he asks. 

"i guess you're right," harry agrees. no longer worrying, harry rests his forehead against louis'. "can we take this to the bedroom now?" he flirts.

louis pecks harry's nose, but pulls away directly after. "nope."

harry pouts. "why not?" he complains. 

"i am taking you on a date," louis declares. 

this puts a grin onto harry's face. "oh, really?"

"yes. we're going out to dinner," louis softly kisses harry again. "so you have to go put on something that makes your arse look good. we have to leave in an hour."

harry fake gasps. "you think my arse doesn't always look good?" he asks, pretending to be offended. 

louis playfully nudges harry. "shut up, you know i do."

"and you're only giving me an hour to get ready? you don't understand how much of a hassle this hair is!" harry complains. 

"you could always cut it off," louis shrugs. "but i do like running my hands through it," he says, doing just that. he even pulls it a little, just to rile harry up. 

"quit teasing me," harry groans. "either do something about it or leave me alone," he pushes louis off of his lap and stands up. he stretches his arms up and allows his back and shoulders to crack, making louis cringe just a little. 

"go get ready, love," louis encourages with a kiss. 

harry complies and stalks off to their bedroom in search for an appropriate outfit to wear to dinner. louis follows, quickly choosing a pair of skinny jeans and a black button-up shirt. 

"i'm going to go have a smoke. i'll be back in soon," louis announces, heading to the balcony as harry continues shuffling through his large closet. 

harry huffs in annoyance at the simplicity of louis' choice. he doesn't have a very adventurous fashion sense. to louis, skinny jeans are appropriate for any occasion and a plain button-up shirt works for anything that he has to dress nicer for. besides that, t shirts and jumpers are his go-to, depending on the weather. the design and color of the shirts can vary based on his mood, but even then, there isn't too much of a decision to be made. 

on the other side of things, harry has a closet full of designer clothes that could be used for a plethora of different occasions, depending on what he decides to style each piece with. he chooses everything based on the day and his mood, so it is a lot more difficult for him to find something to wear. a floral blazer is probably a bit too loud for a dinner with his husband. so are boldly patterned trousers. louis is going with a plain button-up, so harry doesn't want to wear the same thing. 

in the end, he decides on a pattered button up shirt that he leaves unbuttoned just enough to show off the two swallows on his chest, as well as the top of the butterfly on his stomach. he is in the process of pulling on a pair of sparkly boots just as louis comes back inside. 

"what do you think?" harry asks, wanting louis' approval of his outfit choice. 

louis approaches him and runs his hands across harry's chest, eyeing the visible tattoos. "you look amazing, love. absolutely stunning."

"glad you approve," harry smirks, bending down to softly suck on louis' neck. 

louis tilts his head to the side, giving harry more access to his neck. he moans softly, enjoying the way harry's teeth brush ever so softly against his skin. 

"harry, we have to go," louis notifies harry once he comes back to his senses. harry ignores him, keeping his mouth attached to louis' neck. "if you don't stop we won't be going," he groans, knowing it's only a matter of seconds before he throws harry down onto the bed and his idea for a nice date night will be out the window. 

finally, harry complies and steps away from louis, who immediately heads over to a mirror to fix his hair and hope that his face isn't too flushed. harry smirks to himself, pleased with the effect he has on his beautiful husband. 

once louis is satisfied enough with his appearance, he takes harry's hand and leads him towards the front door, grabbing his car keys on the way out. he opens the passenger door for harry before sliding behind the wheel. 

it has been a while since louis has driven. everywhere he went when he was in doncaster was with his mum or dan, who always drove, and harry has driven everywhere since they got to london. yesterday, he even drove the two of them up to holmes chapel to visit anne, robin, and gemma, who went home for the day to see them. 

the drive to the restaurant isn't long. their home is in a pretty convenient part of london, so it is fairly easy to get most places. louis parks in a parking garage a couple blocks away from the restaurant, since he knows there isn't any closer parking. 

the couple put on hats and pair of sunglasses each as they walk out of the parking garage to mask their identities. harry's hair is up in a bun that is hidden under his hat, so his trademark hair isn't going to give them away. even with their slight disguise, they still don't hold hands, just in case they are recognized. it would be bad enough if management saw them out in public together when they're supposed to be on different continents. they can't imagine how bad it would be if they were caught holding hands on top of that. 

louis has taken them to a less populated part of london. the streets are fairly quiet, and the two walk in silence next to each other, taking in the beautiful sight of the city. the backs of their hands occasionally brush, longing for the contact they know they can't have. 

after about a five minute walk from the parking garage, louis stops harry in front of a tall building. he leads harry inside and approaches the woman at the desk in the front of the room. 

"hi, good evening, i have a reservation for tomlinson," he greets. 

"yes, for the rooftop, correct?" she checks. 

louis nods. "that would be it," he confirms. 

"okay, follow me please, gentlemen," she gets up from behind the desk and makes her way over to the lift. 

the three crowd inside, louis being sure to keep some type of physical contact with harry the entire time, sending his nerves from the confined space. the hostess punches in a code and the doors close and start ascending. 

"the rooftop? how romantic," harry whispers into louis ear. 

"only the best for you," louis replies. 

the ride on the lift is quick, and before they know it, the doors are opening to a beautiful view over the city with a single table set up. the rooftop is decorated with rose bushes and various other flowers and is illuminated by lanterns and fairy lights. 

"wow," harry whispers in awe. he is amazed that louis found a place so stunning. 

the hostess walks them to the table and hands them their menus. "enjoy your meal, gentlemen," she wishes them well before turning back to the lift. 

before harry can sit down, louis hurries to his chair to pull out for him, deciding to go all out on being a gentleman for this date. harry blushes as he sits down and louis makes his way to his chair. harry is still looking in wonder around the rooftop, while louis' eyes are only focused on harry. 

"this is beautiful, louis," harry breathes out. "you know, if we weren't already married, i'd suspect you were planning to propose."

louis laughs. "oh, what a shame. i guess there are no other times when i can do something nice for the love of my life," he states, sarcastically. 

harry doesn't have time to answer before a waiter approaches their table and starts taking their orders. 

"i'll have a glass of red wine, please," harry requests. the waiter nods, writing harry's order down. he then turns to louis. 

"and for you, sir?" he asks. 

"yorkshire tea, please." louis requests. 

he writes that down as well before heading off to the kitchen to retrieve their drinks. 

"you're not drinking tonight, lou?" harry asks, curiously. louis isn't an alcoholic, but he's never been one to turn down a drink, especially in a setting like this. 

louis shakes his head. "mum will kill me if i drink and then she'll probably kill you for letting me drink," he explains. "plus i'm driving us home and i may be irresponsible, but not so irresponsible that i would drink and then drive around some precious cargo."

"damn straight i'm precious cargo," harry agrees. 

"oh, please. there's nothing straight about you," louis smirks to himself at his joke. harry just rolls his eyes and turns back to his menu. 

the two keep their ankles intertwined under the table while they study their menus to be able to place the order for when their waiter returns with their drinks. louis decides on chicken parmesan, while harry chooses some fancy vegetarian dish. 

while they wait for their food to come out, louis decides to disclose why he wanted to treat harry that night. "i wanted to do something nice for you to thank you for everything you've been doing for me. of course, i can't compare to flying across the world for you, but at least this is something," louis explains. 

harry brushes his thumb over louis' cheek. "you never need to thank me for doing things for you. you're my husband and i love you. i'll do anything for you."

"i know. it's just that things have been shitty lately. and i mean probably just about as shitty as it could possibly ever get and it means a lot that you came all the way here for me," louis looks into harry's deep green eyes. he feels a little nervous admitting this, so he wants to stare at the ground while speaking, but he needs to hold the eye contact to make sure harry knows how serious and thankful he is. "it's been so shitty, my mum wouldn't even let me stay in london alone. everything was taking a toll on me and i was pretty much at my breaking point, so i need you to understand how thankful i am to have you and everything you do for me."

harry squeezes louis' hand tightly to comfort him. "i love you more than anything. you know that, right? whatever you need from me, i will always be here," he promises. "are you okay? do you want to talk about what's going on?" 

louis shakes his head. "i'm alright now, love. i promise. i don't want you to have to worry."

"i'll always worry. you know i will. i wish there were no times when you weren't smiling, but i know that's not really how things are going right now," harry sighs, sadly. "i will always do whatever i can to make you happy. even if it means flying half-way across the globe to see you behind management's backs."

"i don't deserve you."

"of course you do!" harry exclaims. "you are by far the best person i know. who else will stay up late with me to have heated debates about tea and scented candles and then you'll ramble on and on about football for hours at a time. no one else will. i've tried with niall and he just gets mad and honestly i'm too scared that liam will strangle me if i interrupt his sleep to talk about nothing. you listen to me go on and on about random bullshit and then reward me with a life-changing blowjob."

louis lets out a chuckle at his husband. "because there is no one else who'd like to give you blowjobs."

"you're the only one i want," harry says softly. he needs to make sure louis knows how special he is, not even in regards to the crude subject. "i'm serious. no matter what i will always love you. you could probably murder someone and it wouldn't make me love you any less. if there's anything i can do for you, please tell me."

"just you being here has made me so much happier. i'm so grateful to have you. i'd be lost without you," louis says, honestly. "i don't need you to do anything because you're enough as it is. all of the shit we have to go through it worth it because at the end of the day, i have you, and all that you are is all that i'll ever need."

harry presses a kiss to the back of louis' hand. "i hope you know that you are everything to me, too."

louis blushes at harry's sweet gesture. it is then when the waiter comes back with their food and harry requests a second glass of wine. they make lighter conversations for the rest of their meal. 

harry tells louis about the hiking trails he found in california that he had been spending most of his days off at. he had been hiking alone, but told louis that he would enjoy it more if they went together, or even got a dog to go with. louis makes a mental note to look into adopting a dog to surprise harry with once the tour is finished. 

louis tells harry his stories from his times playing with ernest and doris. this has been the longest duration of time he has been able to spend with the twins, which he was loving. they are growing up exceptionally fast. louis has always been such a family-oriented man, there is little he would rather do than be with them and harry. 

once they finish their meals, louis pays the bills and the two put their hats and sunglasses back on to walk back to the car. they decide not to get dessert, since their "dessert" is going to be when they get home. as it is so late, this part of london is practically empty, so louis finds the courage to hold onto harry's hand as they walk. holding hands in public is never something they have really been able to do, so this is extremely special for them. 

"thank you for tonight," harry says when they are almost back at the parking garage. "i had the best time."

"no, thank you, love," louis answers. "you deserve to be spoiled and shown how much i love you."

harry kisses louis on the cheek and drags him over to their car. once they shut the doors and are by themselves, harry pulls them into a passionate kiss that louis reluctantly has to pull away from in order to drive home. 

louis goal was to make harry recognize how much he means to louis and how much louis loves him. when the two fall asleep that night, they both have the biggest smiles on their faces and harry is left feeling like the most special man in the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> right now, i should’ve been in the same room as mr. harry styles and listening to his angelic voice singing golden live, so if you need me, i’ll just be over here crying while listening to fine line on repeat. thanks.


	23. Chapter 23

may 6, 2015. england. 

"zayn has been working with other producers now? what the fuck happened to stepping back from the industry for his mental health?" louis rants angrily to harry after seeing a picture posted from naughty boy's twitter with him and zayn.

harry sits on his and louis' bed as he watches his husband pace back and forth across the bedroom. he has barely heard from zayn since he left tour, but he knows all about the falling out between him and louis. he knows how hurt his husband is. this must now seems like a stab in the back to him, which harry completely understands. still, he can recognize that louis is blowing this up a lot more than necessary. 

"did we mean nothing to him? this doesn't exactly look like he's taking time to himself to recover and find himself. what a lying bastard," louis huffs.

"louis, he doesn't matter. just ignore him," harry requests. "getting all worked up over this is not going to help at all."

"what else am i supposed to do? sit here and be okay with that asshole ditching us and lying to us?" louis exclaims, throwing a pillow at the wall in frustration. 

harry reaches out to hold onto louis' hand to stop him from being any more destructive. "you don't need to do anything. i know it sucks, but you don't need to be a part of it."

"of course i'm a part of it. we all are!" louis pulls his hand away from harry and uses his hands to cover his face. he takes a deep breath. 

"forget about it, lou," harry advises. "getting angry is not going to help you at all."

"i'm going to tweet him," louis decides. when feeling low, louis has always had a bad habit of impulsively doing things he will probably end up regretting. the easiest way to justify doing stupid shit you know you shouldn't do is always when you're on the verge of a mental breakdown. the most common form of this for louis is reaching out to people he knows he probably shouldn't contact. he's not stupid, he knows how this is going to end, but he can't bring himself to care. most of louis' life lately has been a low, with the exception of harry, so louis is not surprised at all with this bad decision that popped into his head. 

harry's head snaps up. "that's a bad idea. you should definitely not do that."

"i'm going to do it," he grabs his phone from where he threw it onto their bed and opens his twitter app. knowing there will be no way to convince louis otherwise, harry nervously watches as he composes the tweet. 

"remember when you were 12 and you used to think those mac filters for your pictures were cool haha ! some people still do ha !" 

louis instantly gets thousands of responses from fans. he knows he probably shouldn't have said something so publicly, and his response was very childish, but it's too late now. the tweet is out in the world and he'll just make management clean up his mess, like usual. they're the reasons why everything us screwed up anyway, so he might as well make their lives harder because of it. 

shortly later, louis gets a notification that naughty boy responded, saying, "and some people can't even sing.. but who's complaining when there's auto tune eh" with the sunglasses emoji. 

the anger takes over louis before the hurt does. just before this, he was finally starting to calm himself down and get into a normal conversation with harry, that was completely separate from the twitter feud that he is now a part of. this guy is such an asshole. it's pretty shitty to say something like that to someone, and louis knows that his dedicated fans will attack naughty boy over this. without thinking, louis tweets back, "jesus forgot you were such an in demand producer .... how does it feel to be riding on the back of someone else's career ?"

louis notices the replies, smiling to himself over seeing so many tweets from fans who are supporting him. even though louis might have lost one of his closest friends, at least he still has the fans to stand by him. their positive responses mean everything to him. 

the next tweet isn't from naughty boy. it's from zayn malik himself. "remember when you had a life and stopped making bitchy comments about mine ?"

louis freezes, unsure of what to do. the man who louis has spent five years of his life with is siding with a producer he's probably only known for a few weeks. he knew that their friendship is over, but zayn insulting him over twitter is a low that louis didn't think they were going to reach. 

two months ago, they were on tour together, sneaking off to smoke a few cigarettes or get high on weed when they were supposed to be meeting with management, or greeting ready to travel to the next city. they were causing mischief and pranking their touring team. they were confiding in one another. now, they're getting into drama on twitter. things apparently can change very quickly when you're least expecting them to. 

"i'm making bitchy comments about his life?" louis is astounded. "this is coming from the guy who abandoned our friendship. now he has this new fake-ass producer that he'll probably ditch soon anyway," louis huffs. he decides to push away all of the pain he feels right now and replace it with anger. anger is easier, even if it is just a mask for how much he is hurting. 

"look, sunflower. i get that you're angry, i do," harry says, calmly. "but, starting fights on twitter is really not the best way to go. it's twitter. it doesn't mean anything."

"he's a bloody asshole!" louis exclaims loudly. "why does he think it's okay to do this to us? he's really going to side with this producer instead of me?"

harry gets up and puts a hand on louis' shoulder. "please, just calm down."

"don't tell me to calm down!" louis shouts. 

harry's hand falls off of his shoulder and he backs away. "okay. fine. i guess i'll just let you be then," harry heads out of their room to give louis some space. he knows that louis is upset over everything that has happened with zayn, but that doesn't mean he has the right to yell at him for no reason. harry was only trying to help. 

as soon as harry leaves the room, louis throws a punch into the wall, the drywall breaking around his fist. pain shoots up his arm, but he doesn't even notice. he collapses onto the bed. now on top of everything, he's hurt harry. he's been trying to keep harry from getting hurt for years, and now he is the cause of that pain. 

louis knows how unstable his emotions have been lately. it's pretty obvious. he has been sad and impulsive, and now he can't even control his anger. there is no excuse for louis yelling at harry like that. he didn't deserve it. this is all based around louis' personal problems that harry should not have been dragged into. 

louis pulls at a string on one of their pillowcases, taking deep breaths in and out to calm himself down. he knows he has to go find harry and talk to him, but he can't if he's still so angry. louis has to fix this. he can't make the situation even worse. if he goes to talk to harry while he is still so angry, he will upset harry even more and make everything so much worse. he can't do that. he barely even cares about zayn anymore. this is all about making things better for harry now. 

it's about fifteen or twenty minutes later when louis finally emerges from their room, in search for his husband. he has no idea of the state harry is currently in, and is terrified. he knows harry is upset, maybe even angry, and rightfully so, but louis needs to be able to make it up to him. he doesn't know what he would do if he didn't. 

once louis finds harry in the kitchen, he hopes to any higher power that there could possibly be that harry will forgive him. "i'm so sorry, harry. i didn't mean to yell at you like that. i shouldn't have. you weren't a part of that," louis apologizes, profusely. 

harry glances up at him. louis notices the red in his eyes and his heart breaks, knowing that he is the reason for harry's tears. "just because you're mad at zayn and this producer doesn't mean you can snap at me like that."

"i know, love. i didn't mean to. it was wrong of me and i am so, so sorry," the tears threaten to spill from louis' eyes as well. "please," he begs as he takes another step towards his husband. 

when louis gets closer, harry notices the blood on his hand. he jumps to his feet and rushes over, grabbing onto louis' wrist. "what did you do?"

"nothing," louis tugs his arm out of harry's grasp and hides it behind his back. "please, harry, i never wanted to hurt you. please forgive me."

"i know," harry wraps his arms around his now sobbing husband. "please just try to be more reasonable next time. you had to have known that your plan to start this fight on twitter wasn't going to go well."

"yes, i know. i just couldn't stop myself," louis admits. "i'll work on it, though, i promise. i was upset and angry and couldn't control myself. i'll do anything to make it right," he explains as the tears start falling. 

"you need to work on your self-control."

"i know, i know," louis cries into his palms. "i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry," he repeats over and over, feeling so guilty. he doesn't know how to make this right. 

harry wipes the tears away from louis' cheeks. "i know you're sorry, my love. just please, think things through a little more next time, yeah? and tell me what's bothering you before you make any rash decisions."

louis nods. "yes, of course. anything. i'm so sorry, love."

"i know you are. it's alright," harry wraps his arm around louis' shoulders. "okay, now let's go get your hand cleaned up, yeah?"

louis nods and allows harry to lead him towards their bathroom. his tears are finally starting to slow, but he can't stop the guilt filling up his gut. he definitely needs to work out his emotions. none of this would have happened if he was able to control himself. maybe talking to doctor banner about this would be a good idea. 

harry takes louis hand and starts rinsing off the blood under the sink. louis makes no move or sound to protest. harry seats him on the closed toilet and shuffles through the cabinet, looking for rubbing alcohol. once he finds the alcohol and some cotton pads, he starts cleaning out louis' split open knuckles. again, louis doesn't acknowledge any pain, although harry knows that the alcohol must sting. he just sits there, ignoring everything going on around him. 

"do you think you broke anything in your hand?" harry asks, not knowing how much treatment louis needs. harry is able to clean out his hand. he can't heal a broken bone. louis doesn't respond. he is still staring blankly at the ground. "louis?" harry says, raising his voice just a little. "louis?"

this snaps louis out of it. "what did you say?"

"i was asking if you thought you broke anything," harry repeated. "does it hurt?"

louis shakes his head. "it's fine," he insists. 

"what did you do?" harry asks again as he finishes up cleaning it out with the alcohol. 

"i punched a wall," louis answers, his voice oddly quiet. "it's fine."

harry sighs, heading back into the cabinet to find a bandage to wrap louis' hand in. he knows he won't be getting much more of a response from louis right now. 

once he is done treating louis' hand, he leads the way to their bedroom. they lay down on the bed and harry wraps his body around louis. louis keeps staring blankly at the wall ahead of them, seeming to not even notice harry holding him. harry looks ahead at the wall as well and flinches a little when he sees the dent in the wall made by louis' fist. louis has never been a physically violent person. sure, louis hides his emotions a lot, but harry has never known him to do something physically self-destructive like this. 

ever since harry arrived back in england, him and louis have been in a state similar to the honeymoon phase. everything was going perfect. now, harry is starting to see between the cracks, and the only way to fix it would be for louis to talk to him, which harry knows he won't. 

there are times when louis gets extremely quiet, and it seems pretty impossible to get through to him. harry never really knows what to do when that happens. cuddling usually helps some, but he hasn't figured out a way to get louis out of his head when this happens. he knows louis is upset with himself over the whole situation with zayn and naughty boy, and that he is even more upset because he snapped at harry. harry is upset about it too, but he's able to forgive louis. the saddest part is that it seems like louis is never able to forgive himself. 

one great thing about their relationship is that they are so rarely apart. they spend so much time together, their marriage can still work out, even though they are both terrible with communication. harry has always found it easier to avoid the hard conversations, and louis has too many secrets he would do anything to keep harry from knowing. 

most of the time, they are the perfect couple. they had always considered themselves to be soulmates, if soulmates are something that even exists. they have been together for so long, since they were so young, they know each other so well, like nothing would ever be able to break them apart. there is no one who knows them that would ever question their love for one another. they have been connected at the hip since day one. they make each other happy, which is what anyone would want out of a relationship. 

usually, they are able to avoid the uncomfortable conversations that neither of them want. they're always together and love each other so much they can overlook the issues. there have only been a handful of times when their lack of communication has caught up to them. some things can't be avoided forever. harry believes this to be one of those times. he needs louis to open up to him. it's obvious there is something wrong, but harry has been told so little of it, he doesn't know what to do. they are always able to get past these little blips, but harry knows one day they won't, and it's either going to be the most difficult conversation of their lives, or something much, much worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so louis is finally free from syco music!!?!?!! i am so unbelievably happy for him i almost cried when i saw his tweet.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: brief mention of self-harm

june 2, 2015. wales. 

after two long months of the break without seeing each other, louis and niall arrive in cardiff within a half hour of each other. liam had flown in a day early and harry had arrived a few hours prior, just to make sure he and louis weren't seen together at the airport. since louis and niall were arriving so closely, modest! arranged for them to travel to their hotel in the same car. 

they had been scheduled to arrive a few days before the shows start to have some meetings and rehearsals to get back into the swing of things. 

louis has been looking forward to this very much. he has missed niall quite a bit. he has always had this infectious happiness and a way to keep people smiling. they had spoken during the break quite often, but that doesn't compare to actually being with niall. 

as much as louis loves being home with his family and having some time off, he has become so accustomed to traveling so often, he always finds himself itching to get back on the road. tour life is difficult and exhausting, but there is little louis love more than seeing how much the band means to so many fans all around the world. he loves creating music with his best mates to share to so many people. to louis, the best part of the job is being able to share the music he creates and watching thousands of fans scream the lyrics back at him. there is so much passion and emotion during each tour show, that louis can never get enough of. there are so many things louis loves about being on tour without even mentioning the best part, being with harry again. for weeks now, louis has been counting down the days to getting back on tour again and he is so happy it is finally here again. 

when louis hears niall's loud irish accent calling out to him in the airport, he can't help the smile that appears on his face. he pulls niall into a hug and claps him on the back. 

"tommo, how are you doing, lad?" niall excitedly says as they head out to their car with the security guard that has met them at the airport. 

"good, good. i spent most of the time in donny with my mum, which was good. still, it got boring after a while. proper excited to be back," louis explains. 

"so am i," niall agrees. "i did quite a bit of writing and got to spend a lot of time with little theo, but i missed the fans and the rest of you lads."

they reach the exit doors of the airport and both take a deep breath, hoping that there aren't a hundred fans and paps waiting for them. thankfully, there are only a few fans, who both niall and louis are thrilled to see. they are both exhausted and want to get to their hotel as soon as possible, so avoiding getting mobbed is a good thing for them, but they will never object to taking a few pictures with the fans. 

after a few photos and autographs, they get to their car with little trouble and start their short drive to the hotel. niall tells louis about his nights at the pub with all of his childhood friends. niall describes one night they had, where he had gotten so drunk, his mum needed to pick him up from the pub to get him home like she did when he was younger, and once he was home, he tried writing a few lyrics before going to sleep. the next morning he woke up with a massive hangover and just about the worst song ever written. 

louis appreciates hearing niall's stories. niall is always one up for a laugh, which makes him have the craziest and funniest stories to tell. niall is also one of the few people who don't treat louis like he's weak. louis knows that liam and his mum are just concerned and mean well and harry will always worry anyway, but niall has always treated louis like just another lad. he's made it clear that he's willing to help louis through anything, but never coddles him, which louis is so thankful for. it's relieving to have some time without people treating louis like he's fragile. 

the short drive to the hotel flies by as louis listens to and laughs along with all of niall's wild tales. they climb out of the car and grab the bags they need for the next couple days. all the rest of their belongings have already been brought to the tour bus for them to access later on. 

they enter the hotel and take in the sight. louis will never get used to the five star hotels they always stay at. he honestly thinks it's a little unnecessary to stay at such fancy hotels all of the time, but he can't complain once he's laying on the mattresses that feel like a cloud. 

niall and louis approach the reception desk to get their keys and room numbers. once they have everything, louis says a quick goodbye to niall and makes his way to his and harry's room. his heart is racing. it had been another month spent without the love of his life, and louis is so anxious to be back in his arms. 

he takes a deep breath as he unlocks the door. he carefully pushes it open, and before he can even say anything, he is wrapped tightly into harry's arms. louis drops the bags he was carrying, them being so insignificant in comparison to holding his husband, who he had missed so much. 

the two stand in the open doorway for minutes, just enjoying each other's embrace, before they finally pull apart and enter the room. harry intertwines louis' fingers in his and pulls his hand up to his lips. he places a series of soft kisses on the nearly faded scars on louis' knuckles. 

"how are you doing, sunflower?" he asks, softly, his eyes meeting louis' beautiful blue ones. 

"i missed you," louis answers. he stands on his toes so he can reach harry's lips. 

harry instantly kisses back, their lips moving passionately against each other. louis runs his fingers through harry's long hair, bringing harry closer to him. he loses himself in harry's lips. right now, the only thing that matters is harry. the world could be ending right now and he wouldn't even care. all that is important is the motion of their lips together, how they move so effortlessly. 

harry pulls away for the briefest moment with a mischievous look in his eyes. "want to kick off pride month with some crazy hot gay sex?"

"oh, fuck yes," louis moans, shoving harry against the desk. his hands fumble to push aside the papers on the desk to make room for harry. 

once louis has harry seated on the desk, his lips go straight back to harry's like there is a magnetic force pulling them together. he stands in between harry's spread legs, his hands resting on harry's hips. harry wraps his legs around his husband, pulling him even closer. both are desperate to be close to each other since it has been so long since they were together. 

just as louis' hands are making their way to the buttons on harry's shirt, they are interrupted by a loud knock on the door. louis ignores it, continuing to tackle the buttons, hoping whoever it is will just go away. unfortunately, that does not happen. 

the person knocks on the door again and louis lets out a groan, knowing he can't avoid it any longer. he exits from his spot between harry's legs, leaving harry to fix the buttons on his shirt. 

louis glances in the mirror as he walks by, quickly fixing his hair before opening the door. 

he is met by liam's smiling face for just a moment before he is pulled into a hug. liam holds onto him tightly, and louis has no choice but to reciprocate. 

"i heard you just got in! i saw niall, and knew i had to come see you." liam exclaims, pulling away from louis. "how are you doing, tommo? i wanted to check in on you. make sure you're doing alright."

"um, i'm good," louis glances back to where harry is waiting, disheveled and turned on. "i'm actually kind of busy right now, mate. you mind if we talk later?"

"what do you mean? you just got in," liam catches a glimpse of harry from over louis' shoulder and louis can see the moment where it clicks in liam's head. "oh. yeah, sure. see you later," liam says, awkwardly. he turns away, silently cursing himself for not thinking that harry and louis were almost definitely going to be having reunion sex. 

as soon as louis close the door behind liam, he is shoved back against it. their lips reconnect and louis' hands return to harry's shirt buttons, desperate to get his clothing off. he kisses down harry's chest, occasionally leaving marks that make harry moan out in pleasure. 

before louis makes his way to harry's trousers, harry takes his hand and leads him over to their bed. louis pushes harry down and climbing over him, he gets back to work. 

a little over an hour later, after their post-sex cuddles, louis decides that he should finally get up to face liam. harry stays laying in the bed when louis gets up. his hair is messy and he is covered in a layer of sweat that makes louis just want to jump on him again. 

instead, louis finds enough self-control to change clothes and grab a wet towel from the bathroom to clean him and harry up. the bedsheets are still dirty, but neither of them care to much about it. it's nothing new to them anyways. harry's eyes sleepily follow each one of louis' movements. the jet lag is definitely catching up to him.

louis puts down the dirty towel and pushes harry's hair out of his face. he softly kisses harry's forehead, loving how harry leans into his touch. "i'm going to go see liam, okay, love? i promise i won't be gone for long."

harry nods his head, his eyes already shutting. "love you."

louis chuckles. "i love you too," he pulls the blanket up for harry, tucking him in and making sure he is comfortable before quietly exciting the room. 

he knocks on the door across the hall, which he knew liam is staying in. it isn't long before the door swings open and liam pulls louis inside. 

"sorry for the wait, payno. i was a little occupied when you showed up," louis apologizes, but both he and liam know that he's not really sorry. 

"i completely forgot harry was already here. i should've thought that you two were definitely going to be getting in each other's pants, but it didn't even cross my mind," liam shudders at the thought. "i just wanted to check on you. see how you're doing."

louis shrugs. "i'm alright. you know my mum. she wasn't going let me get away with anything."

"that's good to hear," liam says, seeming to relax just a little. "so that means no new scars that you want to tell me about?"

louis internally groans into his hands. "no, liam. mum would've killed me."

putting up his hands was a mistake because liam instantly notices the nearly healed marks on his knuckles. he grabs louis' hand and brushes his thumb over the scars. "what happened?"

louis sighs, knowing he won't get out of this one. "i did some stupid shit and punched a wall. it's worked out now. it's fine."

"when was it?" liam asks, curiously. 

"it was when i was a dumbass and tweeted zayn and naughty boy. i got angry and snapped at harry, so i punched a wall," louis confesses. 

liam raises an eyebrow. "louis, you do realize that's not a healthy coping mechanism, right?"

"i know, we worked it out," he brushes liam off. "i just got emotional and overreacted. i mentioned it to doctor banner."

"as long as everything is okay now."

"it is, i promise," louis assures him. "harry and i talked it out."

liam takes a deep breath. "okay, please don't hate me for suggesting this, but would you be completely opposed to me checking you every now and again?" he notices the horrified look on louis' face, but starts talking again before louis can get too angry. "or at least tell me when you think you're going to hurt yourself or if you do. i won't be mad, i just want to help and keep an eye out for you. your mum asked me to keep you safe."

"she doesn't trust me?" louis asks with a frown. 

liam quickly shakes his head. "she's just worried. so am i. please, just don't shut me out," he begs. "i know what's going on now. i'd hate myself if something happened with you that i couldn't stopped but didn't."

louis studies the look of fear on liam's face. he recognizes that the guilt would eat lean alive if something happened. with a sigh, he nods. "okay. i'll let you check for cuts sometimes. but, i can't promise i'll always tell you before i cut myself."

"that's something we'll work on. i know it's going to be hard for you to stop, but we'll get there," liam gives a comforting pat to louis' back. "i'm here whenever you need me, even if it's in the middle of the night. please don't hesitate to come. even if you just want to play some fifa for a distraction or something."

"thanks, mate," louis sends his friend a small smile. "please just don't let harry or niall know," he pleads. 

"of course. i know you're not comfortable with that right now."

"thank you," louis pulls liam into a hug. "look, i better get back to harry. i'll see you tomorrow, yeah?"

"yeah," liam confirms, walking louis to the door. "go be with your husband. i'm sure you missed each other. sorry i took you away from him. i just needed to make sure you're okay."

"don't worry about it. now, i am going to go get some cuddles and ignore all of our responsibilities until management is beating down our door tomorrow."

liam rolls his eyes. "that'll probably be me. do me a favor, and don't be too much of a pain in the arse."

"i make no promises. night, payno," louis leaves liam's room and quickly heads back over to his own. 

he enters quietly, in case harry is asleep, which he is. harry is snoring softly, curled up in a little ball. for such a tall man, he can make himself really tiny when he sleeps sometimes, which louis believes is the most adorable thing in the world. 

louis kicks off his shoes and pulls off his trousers, so he is left in just his shirt and a pair of boxers. being careful to avoid disturbing harry, he climbs under the blanket behind him, wrapping his arms around harry's chest. he feels each one of harry's even breaths, and loves the feeling of being in bed with someone else again. 

he always falls asleep easier when holding onto harry or in harry's arms. usually it would take a while before louis is asleep, but, he can already feel himself drifting off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just wanted to mention that i’ve started working again, so i’ll have less time to write. i’ll still do my best to update frequently, but it won’t be as much. i hope everyone is enjoying this story.


	25. Chapter 25

june 3, 2015. wales.

harry is woken by a loud knock on the door. he groans, not wanting to get up yet. he feels too warm and comfortable in his sleeping husband's arms to get up so soon. 

sadly, the person on the other side of the door has other plans. they knock again even louder. "louis, harry, get your asses up," liam calls out. "i know you promised to be a pain in the arse, louis, but just get up."

even with all the ruckus on the other side of the door, louis remains fast asleep. he snores quietly, arms still wrapped around harry. 

"go away, liam!" harry answers back, hoping that he'll go away and leave them alone. 

liam sighs. "we have less than an hour until our meeting with management in the conference room downstairs. don't be late."

harry hears liam's footsteps fade away and he turns around so he can face louis. the sight of his husband sleeping so peacefully makes harry's heart flutter. he brushes aside louis' hair and kisses his forehead. "we have to get up, lou," he whispers. 

louis groans and buries his face into his hands. harry almost coos at his husband's actions, but holds himself back, deciding it's too early to deal with a grumpy louis. harry spends a few more moments appreciating his husband's effortless beauty as he peacefully sleeps. 

sadly, this moment can't last forever. harry kisses again and shakes his shoulder. "come on, sunflower. wake up."

louis shakes his head. "go back to sleep."

"nope," harry pulls himself away from louis, who mumbles out a protest, still half asleep. he pulls away the blankets and climbs out of bed. 

louis scrambles to reach out for both the blanket, which is now out of his grasp, and harry, who is standing next to the bed doing some morning stretches. "come back," he whines, not feeling up to facing the day yet. all he wants is another five minutes pretending the world doesn't exist. 

"we can cuddle more if we get ready fast enough to have time leftover before our meeting," harry negotiates. 

louis unhappily climbs out of bed and drags his feet over to where harry is standing to wrap him in a hug. he's decided that if he can't cuddle with harry in bed, then he will just resort to cuddling with harry standing up. harry catches on, and after a moment of appreciating the hug, he nudges louis away. 

eventually, louis complies and rushes to get dressed so that he and harry have an extra ten minutes in bed before they have to head out the door. they don't talk while they cuddle, they don't need to. nothing about the silence is uncomfortable or awkward. they feel at home in each other's embrace. louis is nearly asleep again by the time they have to leave. 

hand in hand, they walk down to the conference room on the first floor of the hotel. management had booked it so they could go over everything the four boys need to know for the upcoming few months. 

when they walk into the room, only liam and niall are already there. the representative from modest! is yet to arrive, which is good for them, because no one can harp on them for making everyone else wait around for them, even though they are perfectly on time. it wouldn't surprise them for management to do something like that.

louis rests his head on harry's shoulder while the other boys make conversation. all he wants is to go back to sleep. last night, he slept the best he had for a month. he didn't realize how tired he was until he could finally sleep soundly again. 

niall, who was in the middle of telling harry and liam an anecdote about his time home in ireland, falls silent when the door of the conference room slams open. an older, burly man named harvey enters the room. louis quickly removes his head from harry’s shoulder and sits up in his chair, not in the mood to be bashed for his display of affection with harry. 

"good morning, gentlemen. i hope you all had a good and productive break from the tour," harvey greets them with a fake smile as he walks towards the table. 

he takes a seat at the other end of the conference table across the boys, who all stay silent. harvey opens up his computer, where he has typed out all of the points that need to be addressed. 

"okay, let's get started so you can get to your rehearsal as soon as possible," he opens up a document and claps his hands together as he starts talking. "so, as you know, all four of you have been writing during this break. we expect that demos have been made for all of the songs so that modest! can review them and decide which ones are worth going into the recording booth."

liam frowns at this. obviously he knows that not all of the songs they write are good enough to get onto the record, but he knows that they have all been working really hard on this new album. he finds this wording to be insulting to them and their art. hell, louis has been just as dedicated to songwriting when he had just been in the hospital. even if the songs aren't going to be shared with the world, they still deserve respect for the hours of work that went into them. he wants to speak up, but knows there is no point. harvey doesn't care. he only cares about profits. 

"the record is set to come out sometime in the middle of november. that means you really need to step it up," harvey explains, eyeing each member. "once we decide on the tracks already written that are going to the recording booth, you will immediately start recording. you know the drill."

they all internally groan. they know that recording their albums in hotel rooms or the little studio they made out of a trailer is not normal. most artists have time to work on and perfect their music. not one direction. 

ever since the up all night tour, they have recorded their vocals late at night, after shows. the entire process seems rushed because they are either still hyped up from adrenaline, or completely exhausted. they would have spent the past two hours singing, which makes their vocal chords tired, and therefore making it necessary to have to re-record certain vocal lines over and over and over. it's a very inefficient process, but it's the only way they get a new record out each year. 

"you will still be expected to keep  
writing as well, of course. we think it would be good to get a few songs that all of you write on," harvey pauses to read over something on his computer. "mr. tomlinson and mr. payne, i know you two have worked together a lot. maybe you should try to switch it up and write with someone new."

liam's jaw drops in shock. "what are you talking about? modest! was the ones who scheduled us in london to work together so often. why would you do that if you didn't want us working together?" he exclaims. louis silently thanks him for speaking up. 

"we just want a little more variation. if everything is too similar, the fans will get bored and we will lose money."

louis scoffs. "of course. because everything we do is all about the money. how dare we try to create something we're proud of. that's not going to make enough money. don't bother."

harvey's eyes narrow in anger. "don't you dare speak to me like that, boy," he spits out. "i thought mr. cowell put you in your place. i guess i was mistaken. don’t make me have a word with him."

louis instantly falls back. he feels harry and niall's eyes on him, searching for answers. he stares ahead at the wall, giving them nothing. knowing what is being referenced, liam frowns, wishing he could comfort his friend, but knowing he can't right now. 

"as i was saying before that rude interruption," harvey sends louis a quick glare, "you are still being expected to write and put your effort into recording. if you don't put in enough work, we will take away your privileges and make you go back to singing songs we buy from other writers like your first album," he threatens. "since the departure of mr. malik, we need you to all work twice as hard. you cannot lose fans because of this. now, if there aren't any questions, i will now go over your expectations for upcoming shows and interviews."

knowing any arguments are useless, no one says anything and harvey begins a forty minute lecture. very little of the information is new. they have sat through this exact meeting dozens of times before, and the only thing running through harry's head the entire time is that he wishes he stayed in bed with louis. 

after what seems like forever and a long struggle from all of the boys to keep their eyes open, harvey finally wraps up his rant. 

"okay, that concludes this part of the meeting. mr. payne, mr. horan, you are free to go now. mr. tomlinson and mr. styles, i would like you to stay behind for a few minutes," harvey requests. 

louis and harry send each other a nervous glance. nothing good ever comes from management meetings with just the two of them. 

"it has been a while since either of you have had a public relationship," harvey starts one niall and liam have cleared the room. "this has made the gay rumors start resurfacing."

harry and louis stay silent. they now know exactly where this is going.

"there is a woman. her name is briana. this is going to be a serious relationship. not just a couple of dates kind of thing," he explains. "mr. styles, we would like you to-" 

"i'll do it," louis cuts him off. "leave harry out of it," he declares, making sure harvey knows he is serious. 

harvey nods in agreement after a short moment of consideration consideration. "okay, that is fine. you have always had more of an image of long-term relationships. we will just pap mr. styles with a few models instead."

harry sends a sad glance over to louis, who responds with a gentle squeeze of his hand under the table. louis gives harry a small smile, trying to silently assure him that everything was going to be alright. 

"i know that you and eleanor were friends and you did the bare minimum with her. that will not be tolerable this time. you have to take this more seriously," harvey explains. "there were so many people who didn't believe you and eleanor we're together anyway, so you have to make them believe that you are actually with briana. we will do whatever it takes to be sure of that."

"fine, whatever," louis sighs, sadly. "i'll do whatever. just keep harry out of it."

"wonderful!" harvey exclaims. "mr. styles, when your tour gets to america, you will start being seen in public with miss kendall jenner and a few other models when we see fit. mr. tomlinson, miss jungwirth lives in calabasas, so you will be meeting her shortly after your north american tour begins as well."

harry studies his husband's face. he can see the sad look in his eyes that he is trying to hide. he doesn't want louis to suffer through yet another beard. "can i take the beard instead?" he asks. "louis and eleanor's breakup is still pretty fresh. wouldn't it make more sense with me instead? you don't want people thinking it's fake because louis moved on from eleanor too quickly, right?"

"no way," louis interrupts. "i'll deal with the beard. i don't want you to have to go through that. there is no way i'll let that happen. it'll be fine. if anyone says anything we can just say that el and i broke up a while before we said anything. there's always some sort of bullshit explanation for everything."

"i can take care of myself, louis," harry interjected. "can you stop treating me like i'm a kid?"

louis shakes his head and turns to address harvey. "i don't want you putting him through that. i'll deal with the beard. i've been doing it for years. please don't force harry into it," louis starts practically begging. he could not live with himself if harry has to deal with the pain of a beard and he didn't do anything about it. 

"fine, mr. tomlinson. you two will be getting more information for this publicity later on. i just wanted to get you aware of it now," harvey closes his computer. "that's all for today, then. you have about an hour until you need to be at rehearsal," he waves his hand like he is shooing them away. 

louis and harry stand up from their chairs and exit the room. they say nothing as they make their way to their room and louis slams the door behind them. 

"what fucking assholes!" he shouts, incredibly angry at their management. "would it kill them to have one fucking ounce of respect for us? it's not like we make all of their money for us or anything!"

harry silently watches louis' rant. he paces back and forth, wildly gesticulating with his hands. 

"louis, why do you always treat me like i'm fragile?" he interrupts. 

louis freezes and turns to look at harry. "what are you talking about?"

"whenever management suggests something, you won't ever let me do it. i'm capable of doing publicity stunts. i know you hate it. why won't you ever let me do it?"

"i'm trying to protect you," louis states, a little surprised that harry is bringing it up like this. "beards suck more than you know. i'm trying to just prevent you from having to go through this shit. sorry for trying to be a good husband."

"look, louis, i understand and appreciate where you're coming from, but i'm not a kid anymore. i don't need you to try to keep me sheltered like i'm sixteen again," harry argues, clearly unhappy. "i can fight my own battles. you just never let me."

"you shouldn't have to fight those battles though!" louis exclaims. "i take on these battles so you don't have to! don't you understand that?"

"well shouldn't that be a decision for us to make together?" harry cries out. "i'm not weak, louis," he insists. "i don't know if you think i am or what, but you can stop treating me like this."

"of course i don't think you're weak! i'm just trying to keep you happy. that's all i want. why are you making it seem like i'm the bad guy for doing that?" louis voice cracks as he becomes even more upset. he needs to get away from here. 

before harry can say anything else, louis hurries away, heading to the balcony to have a cigarette. since he was staying with his mum, in the past month, louis has smoked a record low number of cigarettes. now, he needs the high. he needs the little bit of euphoria that lets him relax. he needs something, anything to make him think of anything else. 

one thing louis never expected was for harry to be mad at him for trying to protect him. all he's ever wanted was harry's happiness, which he has tried to ensure by keeping the crueler side of management away from his harry. why is that backfiring?

after louis storms out, harry heads into the bathroom to splash some cold water on his face. this whole situation is just frustrating for him. of course he has always appreciated not having to do much more than a few pap walks with lots of different models so rumors can be made up. this has made things so much easier for him. he is just starting to feel irritated and like louis is treating him like a child. 

yes, he was young when the band started. too young to be thrown into the life of fame and publicity stunts. but, he is twenty-one now. he can take care of himself. he doesn't need louis to keep acting like he needs protection like some scared little kid anymore. 

eventually, harry finds his way past his frustration and makes his way over to louis. he leans on the open door going out to the balcony. "what did he mean by simon putting you in your place?" harry asks, curiosity taking over him about the things that harvey had mentioned earlier. 

"nothing," louis quickly responds, pulling his knees closer to his chest and taking another drag of his cigarette.

harry sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose. "seriously, louis. what was he talking about?"

"it's nothing. simon is an ass and i hate him. nothing new," he says, trying to brush aside harry's worries. 

"are you sure, sunflower?" louis looks up to see the concerned look on harry's face. "i can't help make it better unless you talk to me."

louis stomps out his cigarette and stands up, taking harry's hand in his own. "it's fine, love. don't worry about it," he insists.

"louis," harry sighs.

"please," he almost begs. "i don't want to keep fighting with you," he can't stop himself from falling into harry's strong arms. 

harry nods in agreement. "i know. we're good though, yeah? i love you," he holds louis tight, running his hand up and down his husband's back. 

"i'm sorry," louis tries to give harry the most sincere apology. "we can be more open. i'll stop being so overbearing when it comes to management. please, just don't hate me."

"i could never hate you!" harry exclaims. "i really do appreciate you doing all of this for me. can we please just talk it out first?"

"yes. yes, of course. i promise i'll do better."

harry pulls back from the hug so he can give louis a kiss. "i love you."

"i love you, too," louis answers back. 

"it'll all be better once we're away from modest!. i promise. we'll be free. we won't have to hide anymore," harry says with so much longing in his voice. 

louis stays quiet, not wanting to spoil harry's hopes with his doubts.


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: mention of self-harm

june 13, 2015. belgium.

harry has his feet crossed over louis' lap, with louis hand on his ankle, staring at him lovingly, taking in every sight of his stunning husband. louis and niall are engaged in an intense argument about whether golf or football is better. niall spent half of his break playing golf with his family, and now wants the rest of the boys to go golfing with him some day. louis, of course, is now pushing for them to have a football day instead, believing football to be the much superior activity. 

louis' eyes always brighten so much when he talks about something he is passionate about. most of the time, that is when he is talking about football, or music, or his family who he loves more than anything. harry also notices that light when louis looks at him, which makes him feel so special and important. to harry, there is no sight more beautiful than a glowing smile on louis' face. 

harry has stayed mostly quiet throughout this conversation, being pretty indifferent over the topic, and being too busy tracing all of the tattoos on louis' right forearm. harry's favorite is the compass that points home. he loves how connected all their tattoos are, like the artwork isn't complete unless they're together. he knows that getting matching tattoos with a significant other, especially so young, is usually a bad idea, but harry is confident that him and louis are destined to be together. nothing can bring them apart, and they've shown that over the past five years of fights with management. they will always come out on top. 

harry is pulled out of his thoughts by the sound of the dressing room door opening, and a freshly styled liam enters the room. 

"hi, lads!" liam exclaims with a smile, being very pumped up for their show that is set to start in a couple hours. 

"liam! great, you're here," niall greets with a smirk. "can you help us settle this argument?"

"i can try," liam chuckles. "what are you on about?"

"would you rather have a band golfing day or a band football day?" niall asks, hoping liam picks the correct answer. 

"what did harry pick?" liam asks curiously. there are three people, so one of the options must have had two votes, which would make it the winner, so technically this debate already should be settled. 

"harry apparently isn't allowed to vote because he would just agree with me," louis cuts in with a roll of his eyes. 

liam nods his head in understanding, knowing that it is likely for harry to side with his husband. "well, ni, sorry to break it to you, but i'm with the tommo on this one."

"damn," niall slaps the arm of the couch in frustration. 

"told you so!" louis exclaims. "sorry, mate. football is just better."

niall pouts and crosses his arms across his chest like an angry toddler would. 

louis weakly chuckles at niall before glancing up at liam. "can i talk to you?"

liam nods, noticing the quick change of his mood, apparent on his face. louis gives harry a quick kiss and harry moves his legs so that louis can get up from the couch. he leads liam out of the dressing room and to the back door of the venue. 

once they are outside, louis takes a seat on the bench and liam joins him. louis takes out his pack of cigarettes and lights one, knowing he needs it for this conversation.

"what is it, mate?" liam asks, gently, although he's pretty sure he already knows. 

wordlessly, louis pulls up his shirt just enough to expose new, fresh cuts scattered across his stomach. he promised he would talk to liam about this. he has already felt guilty enough that he didn't go to him right away. 

liam sighs sadly at the state of louis' body. he has been expecting this, so it's not that much of a surprise, but that doesn't mean it doesn't still break his heart. he knows recovery is hard and that louis isn't going to get better overnight, but liam is devastated that his best friend is right in front of him, suffering so much, when there is so little he can do to help.

"i'm sorry i didn't tell you when i did it," louis cries out. "i didn't mean to do it. it just kind of happened. i'm sorry."

liam pulls his sobbing friend into his arms and wraps him in a tight hug. he can feel the sleeve of his shirt dampening, but he doesn't care. he feels like crying right now, too. "it's okay, louis. it's okay," he comforts, wanting to do anything to calm louis down. 

"i'm sorry, i'm sorry," louis repeats, causing himself to cry even more. "i should've told you."

liam keeps rubbing louis' back to calm him. louis had become so distressed he drops his cigarette, which liam stomps out for him. he keeps silent, comforting louis without words, knowing that louis won't take in anything he says until he calms down.

"i'm so sorry i fucked up, liam."

"you didn't fuck up, louis. it's okay," liam assures him. "i know it's hard. it's okay. i'm not mad at you. yes, i'm upset, but that's only because i hate that you're hurting so much. you're healing. this takes time. i really appreciate you feeling comfortable enough to tell me."

"i didn't mean to. i just couldn't stop myself," louis admits, feeling ashamed of himself. "i just saw some mean tweets and i'm so fed up with management and this whole beard thing, i couldn't take it anymore."

"i'm sorry, lou. sometimes people just say the worst things," liam agrees. "how about you take a break from twitter for a while? that doesn't make the management problem any better, but at least it would eliminate all the other shitty things people do," he suggests. 

louis shakes his head. "doctor banner suggested that a couple weeks ago, but i can't. i think it would make me feel even worse if i didn't have the chance to interact with the fans. they do so much for us. they deserve at least some tweets."

"no one would hate you for taking a break for your mental health, but, it is all up to you. you do so much for everyone anyway. avoiding twitter for a little while isn't going to be the end of the world."

"i'll think about it," louis decides after a moment. a break from seeing possibly destructive tweets would be nice, he has to admit that. he just doesn't want the fans to feel like he's abandoning them, especially now, in the midst of zayn leaving and the upcoming hiatus. he doesn't think that's fair for them. 

by now, louis feels okay enough to pull out of liam's hug, but does not complain when liam's arm appears around his shoulders. he rests his head against liam's muscly arm, finally starting to settle down again. he'll probably be able to go back inside soon and face the rest of the band and staff. 

"have you thought about telling harry?" liam questions, knowing that harry is probably louis' best bet for recovery. the two love each other and would do anything for each other. liam know that if harry found out how bad his husband was hurting, he would not stop until he made everything okay again. besides this, liam knows that harry is bound to find out at some point, and it'll hurt a lot less now than it would if something really bad happened. honestly from louis would cause the least amount of pain for the two of them. 

"no, absolutely not," louis replies without hesitation. "liam, you know i can't do that. i'd die before i let harry know."

"he'll probably find out at some point. you can't hide this forever. he'd want to help."

louis shakes his head. "i can't make him go through that. he's happy now. how terrible of a partner would i be if i ruined that happiness for him?"

"you're not terrible at all. that's just what you're supposed to do for someone you love. if someone you love is suffering, you would do anything you can to help them. i'm doing this because you're my best friend and i love you so much," liam explains. "it kills me to see you like this, but i'm glad i know, because this way, maybe i'd be able to make things a little better. that's just what you do when you love someone."

louis takes a moment before responding. "please don't tell him?" he pleads, recognizing the logic behind liam's statement, but still, his mind won't change. his secret has to stay between louis, his mum, and liam. harry needs to believe he is okay. 

"of course. it's not mine to tell," liam assures him. 

louis gives him a pat on the back as a silent "thank you". 

"okay, get rid of those tears now. we have a show to go do, and you are going to go have a great time," liam decides, pulling louis to his feet. 

louis wipes the tears off of his face and takes a few deep breaths before nodding to liam as confirmation that he is ready to go inside. 

when louis gets back to the dressing room, harry is in it alone. niall had disappeared off to catering to grab everyone a snack for before the show. liam headed off to the loo once he and louis got back inside, so harry and louis were left by themselves. 

harry smiles at louis when he walks in and curls into louis' side when he sits down on the sofa. he can see the faint tear tracks on louis' face, which makes harry's smile drop. "is everything okay, lou?" 

"of course. just needed to talk to liam about something. nothing bad," louis lies. "everything is fine," he gives harry a forced smile, hoping it is believable enough for now. they have to go on stage soon and he needs to be ready to fake his happiness in order to give the fans a good show.

harry doesn't believe him. it's pretty obvious that there is something wrong, and harry feels hurt that louis is going to liam instead of him. him and louis are married. shouldn't that mean louis should trust harry most?

"are you sure, sunflower? did i do something that you feel like you can't talk to me about?" he asks, nervously. maybe he did something that made louis uncomfortable that he needed to confide in liam about. harry has always done his best to respect louis' boundaries, and hopes that if he did do something, louis would not hesitate to tell him. 

"of course, love. i just had to follow up with liam on a new idea for a song we've been working on," louis lies. "decided to have a smoke while i told him."

harry studies louis' eyes as he talks. he can see the puffiness and redness. he can see the dulled blue that usually shine so much brighter. he knows louis is lying. this isn't just louis hiding something from him. this is a straight up lie. 

harry sits up, no longer wanting to be leaning on louis. he now kind of feels like he wants to be alone. "i'm going to go do some more vocal warmups," harry tells louis, walking out of the dressing room to go find some place he can be by himself. louis watches him go with a frown on his face, feeling the guilt, but not knowing what to do besides confess, which he knows he can't. 

all harry wants is to understand louis. harry feels like lately, there are so many secrets, he can't deal with it. when they got married, they vowed to support and love each other no matter what, and to always be honest with each other. why is louis turning to liam instead of him? it doesn't make sense. 

once they get on stage, harry does his best to avoid louis, but throughout the concert, he keeps a close eye on him. he tries to be as subtle as he can so management doesn't get mad at him for it, but he has to make sure louis is alright. he knows louis so well that he should be able to read him like an open book. now, it seems like harry is staring at blank pages, not knowing what is a facade or not. there are things that he knows are hard for louis, management being the main one. he knows that louis struggles with them sometimes, but he can no longer read what is bothering louis. he's an actor and is too good at hiding things. 

if harry hadn't been paying attention and somewhat aware that something was wrong, he never would have guessed. louis always puts on such a performance and he looks so happy. he has so much energy and personality while he interacts with the fans and runs down the catwalk. dumping ice water down liam's shirt in the middle of his solo and giggling as he runs away is a completely normal thing for louis to do. that is the louis everyone has always known and loved. no one would ever guess that he had gone off with liam and cried not too long before the concert started. he's an actor. 

on stage, he looks like the louis that harry has always known. outspoken, playful, energetic. somewhere along the lines, that changed. it eventually turned into an act that harry has barely even noticed until now. 

harry can't help but feel some doubt in himself as a husband and a friend. he doesn't know if the doubt is stemming from his ignorance or louis' lies, but he doesn't feel like their relationship is as strong as it used to be. 

harry has never hid things from louis. the moment anything significant happens in his life, the first thing he does is call louis. it doesn't matter if is good or bad, harry always tells louis. he's hoped that louis would always do the same as well, but now with all of the sneaking off and clear lies, harry knows that he doesn't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy ten years, everyone! it's crazy it's been so long, isn't it? this morning, i woke an hour before my alarm, but i was too stressed to fall back asleep because i didn't want to miss anything. it was really nice to look back through old memories today and cry over the minimal interactions they had with each other. it was good to have a day where everyone came together and reminisced on this band and how much they mean to everyone. i miss the days where i would be counting down until album releases and concert dates, but i am so proud of these boys and everything they have accomplished. but still disappointed in the lack of the infinity music video, though. hope everyone had a good anniversary. (also reason being???)


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: brief mention of self-harm in this chapter.

june 23, 2015. sweden. 

louis is alone on the tour bus. he had convinced liam to take harry and niall to get lunch and spend some time exploring the city so he could have some time by himself. louis made up an excuse about not wanting to go so he could have the space to himself for his therapy phone session with doctor banner. liam knows that louis prefers to be alone while speaking to his therapist, so he quickly agreed when louis asked him for some alone time. anything to get louis to actually do his phone sessions. 

louis has been putting off these sessions for the past couple weeks. he kept cancelling, claiming not to have time, but liam found out that louis hadn't spoken to doctor banner in over two weeks, so he told jay. now louis is stuck having a session for the first time since the beginning of the tour. they have a show later tonight, so louis decided it would be best to just get it over with.

louis settles himself into his bunk with the curtain closed and a blanket draped around him. his hand shakes a little as he scrolls through his phone to find doctor banner's number.

he hates that he has to have these therapy sessions. he hates feeling like all of his actions are controlled. his entire life has been controlled by simon cowell for the past five years, and now liam and his mum are pushing him into therapy sessions and louis had to promise to tell liam every time he self-harmed. the one thing he used to use as an escape from everything is now no longer his own as well.

it only takes a couple of rings before doctor banner answers the phone. "hello, louis! i'm so glad you decided to schedule another session. how is everything? you're still touring, correct?" he asks with cheery voice. 

"yeah, we're in sweden right now. the fans have been great. it's been nice getting to see them all again," louis replies, focusing on the good things. 

doctor banner smiles. "that's great to hear! it sounds to me like the fans mean a lot to you."

"they really do. i'd be nowhere without them. they love and support us no matter what. we really do have the best fans in the world," louis said with a grin. "i know there are lots of people who say they have the best fans in the world, but they're wrong because no one can match our fans. they are truly spectacular and make everything so worth it."

"i really enjoy hearing you speak so passionately about them. they seem like a very stable force. it's good for you to have such a positive constant in your life like that," doctor banner observes. 

louis nods in agreement. "they're the best. when the band was first starting out, we could really go and meet the fans and interact with them whenever we wanted. it was nice," he smiles to himself at the memories of all of the fans they got to speak to and how much it would light up their day to have people waiting around to see them. "i miss that sometimes. now it seems like we're always constantly bombarded by security and so much paparazzi that we can't even say hi anymore."

"that can't be easy for anyone."

"i suppose not," louis recognizes. 

"how have you been doing, louis? has your management been alright lately? has everything been good with your bandmates?" doctor banner asks. 

"yeah, it's fine, i guess," louis shrugs. "liam has been being really overprotective lately. i mean, i don't blame him, but i just need time to myself sometimes. just because i want to have a few minutes alone doesn't mean i'm going to be cutting myself every time."

"have you talked to him about that? sometimes people can seem like they're being overbearing because they're worried, and not even notice they're doing it," doctor banner explains. "i'm sure he means well, but i think you just need to be honest with him. there's nothing wrong with needing a break sometimes. in fact, it is good that you recognize you need that sometimes. it is important that you are recognizing your needs. that is the only way to get to a healthy mind."

"i guess so. i think i'm just so stressed right now, i don't know how to handle anything besides getting frustrated with it."

"do you know what is causing you this stress?"

"we're going to be getting to america soon and i'm going to have to be meeting this girl soon and i'm really worried about that. they've already made us have some interactions on social media to start the rumors and give us more of a basis for our relationship, and i hate it," louis admits, hating how fast the tears build up in his eyes. "i don't want to have a fake girlfriend. they've decided it's going to have to appear to be a lot more serious and different than last time, and i really hate that i'm stuck doing this to harry. we've been fighting a lot lately and i don't want this to ruin everything even more."

"harry?" doctor banner asks, puzzled. "what does harry have to do with any of this?"

"fuck," louis mutters to himself. he completely wasn't thinking. he has been avoiding talking about his marriage because he didn't want to come out to doctor banner. he has actively avoided any details of his life that could hint to his sexuality. he knows it would be smart to completely open up to doctor banner, but he couldn't. he didn't want to risk the judgement, but now because of his careless actions, he's ruined that for himself. "it's nothing, sorry. i misspoke," louis says, praying that he is convincing enough for the therapist to decide to move on, but not being stupid enough to believe that is actually going to happen. he's a therapist. it's his job to pick up on stuff like that. 

"louis, in order for me to help you, you're going to need to be completely honest and open with me. hiding things is not going to help you."

"i can't tell you," louis shakes his head. 

"why not?"

"i don't want you to hate me," louis stops being able to hold back his tears. he covers his mouth with his hand to muffle the sound of his broken sobs. 

"louis, listen to me, i'm not going to hate you. whatever it is, i'm here to help," doctor banner says, softly. "whatever you have to say, i'm here to listen."

"they hate me so much already," louis cries out, feeling an ache in his chest. 

"who hates you? why do you think they hate you?"

"management."

"you have often spoken about how you don't get along with them. is there a reason beyond what you have previously told me?" doctor banner encourages. 

"i'm gay," louis whispers so softly, he doesn't know if doctor banner will be able to hear. it has been a long time since louis has come out to anyone, and back then, he hated himself for it a lot less. he never realized how hard saying those words again would be. "please don't hate me."

doctor banner is taken aback by how small louis sounds right now, the fear in his voice being absolutely heartbreaking. "louis, there's nothing wrong with you for being gay."

"yes, there is!" louis cuts him off. "they've been telling me that for years. saying how disgusting i am and that i don't know real love. i can't be successful if i'm gay. it doesn't work like that. i need to be straight. they need me to be straight. people will like me more. it's all my fault. if i wasn't gay, we would have so many fewer problems. it's my fault. they hate me. everyone is going to hate me."

"louis, i need you to take a deep breath and then i need you to listen to me really closely. can you do that?" doctor banner listens as louis takes in a shaky breath. he takes that as a sign to go forward. "there is absolutely nothing wrong with not being straight. i'm not straight. i'm pansexual, and there is nothing wrong with me. i'm human. i can live and love freely and there is nothing wrong with that. you can do that too. your management has twisted your mind. they want you to repress this and hide from it. i understand how easy that is to do, and if you want to keep it secret, that's okay, but you need to know that your sexuality does not define you at all. it does not determine your success, or your self-worth, or anything else. if you see someone else who is gay, do you think that there is something wrong with them? that they need to be changed? that they will never have success or love?"

"no," louis quietly mutters. 

"exactly. there is nothing wrong with you. you have just been told by this corrupt industry that there is, and it has hurt you," doctor banner observes. "you know, there are a lot of people who go through this. accepting your sexuality is difficult for a lot of people. it's a complicated journey, and your situation has made it even more difficult for you. you are still completely valid. who else knows?"

"i came out to my family and friends before the band happened. i was happy back then. most everyone was supportive," louis discloses, thinking back to the time when everything was so much easier. "since the band, i've had to keep it more secret. niall, liam, and zayn know, and of course, harry. most of the touring team. some of the writers we work with. management. we weren't allowed to say anything, and i don't think i even want to anymore."

"besides your management, how does everyone else feel about you? do all of your family and friends support you?"

"i guess. i think they've just known for so long, they don't care anymore," louis contemplates. 

"that is good. a good support system is a very important thing to have," doctor banner says, approvingly. "why is it that you value what your management says so much when you have a support system filled with people who love you standing by your side?"

"i don't really know. i've never really thought about it like that," louis responds, slightly puzzled. he's always known that he's been lucky to have such a supportive family and management's opinions shouldn't matter because his mum and friends are so much more important, but somehow, they still do. "i guess it's just because they have control over my entire life. they're the ones deciding if i'm good enough or worthy enough to be successful. they're just directly saying the things the tabloids and press write about all the time. i'm already barely talented enough as it is. being gay is just another thing wrong with me that is terrible for the public image. like, harry has a future with or without the band. he's incredible and management knows it. he doesn't need them to approve of everything he does."

"harry," doctor banner mentions, noticing how louis has referenced him separately a couple different times. "is he your partner?"

louis nods in confirmation, even though doctor banner can't see through the phone. a small smile crosses over his face. "he's my husband."

"i see," doctor banner responds. "how do you feel when you're with him? do you feel like there is something wrong with you because you're gay? do you feel like there is something wrong with him?"

"no, no. nothing like that," louis denies. "the only time i feel whole is when i'm with him."

"let me ask you this, if you could make yourself straight, but you would lose harry, would you do it?"

"i don't know," louis answers, disappointed in himself with his answer. "i've thought about this a lot and i wish i could say that i wouldn't be straight, but i don't know if i can. i love harry so much. i don't know if i could live without him. but, being straight would solve so many of my problems and i would hate myself so much less. harry deserves someone better than me anyway."

"he is with you for a reason. you must be the person he thinks he should be with, or else you wouldn't be together. it's okay that you don't have an answer, though. this is something you are struggling with a lot. it's difficult, i know that. i can also see that you are a fighter and you will be able to beat this," doctor banner affirmed. he knows that one day, louis will be away from this hatred and will learn to love and accept himself. it is possible, and louis has the support of harry, who he clearly loves more than anything else in the world. "how much of all of this does he know about?"

"nothing. he can't know. it would break him. i can't do that to him," louis says, quickly. "i'd do anything to protect him from this, but now, i think he's starting to lose his trust in me and it's all my fault."

"what do you mean by that?" doctor banner is slightly taken aback by his declaration. 

"we've been fighting a lot lately. it's always my fault. we fought that day where i decided to get into a fight with zayn on twitter. we fought because he thinks i'm treating him like a kid because i don't want him exposed to the beards and everything. things have been so tense lately because he thinks i'm hiding something from him. for all of these years, i have taken anything management has thrown at us because i can't stand the thought of them breaking him. now, i'm the one hurting him because i've tried so hard to protect him. i need to protect him, but it seems like that's making it all worse right now," louis rants, taking this as an opportunity to let everything out. sadly, this doesn't make him feel relieved. it just makes him feel the guilt even more. 

"louis, i think you are putting way too much pressure on yourself. you don't have to do everything alone. i know that you're the oldest and feel it is your responsibility to protect everyone, both with harry and your other bandmates, but you have to remember that you're young too," doctor banner points out, trying to explain as gently as he can. "it shouldn't be your job to protect everyone. it is not your fault your management is failing you. most importantly, it is okay to ask for help."

"but," louis tries to say, but doctor banner cuts him off. 

"but nothing. there is nothing wrong with needing to rely on someone. you're going to need to learn to trust them, and more than just liam. if you open up to harry about what you've been going through, he is going to be so much more understanding."

"i don't want to let him down," louis voice cracks as he fights back another wave of tears. 

"if you were in his shoes, what would you want to do?" doctor banner asks, making louis fall silent as he ponders the question. "would you want him to hide everything or would you want him to open up to you so you could help him? if he loves you even half as much as i can tell you love him, he would jump at the opportunity to do anything he could for you. i really think it would help you a lot to talk to him."

"i know you're right. i'm just scared," louis admits. 

"i know you are. it's okay, though. no one ever said this was going to be easy. communication is key, though. it'll help you," doctor banner glances at the clock on his wall. "i'm sorry to say that we have to wrap things up for today. i have another patient that's going to arrive in a couple minutes. i really hope i'll hear from you soon," he says, hinting at the fact louis has already made a habit of avoiding sessions. 

"yeah, maybe next week," louis whispers. 

"good luck, louis. i hope everything will be alright be the next time we have a conversation. i'm always a message away if you need me." with that, doctor banner hangs up the phone to get ready for his next appointment. 

taking a deep breath to calm himself, louis heads to the small bathroom on the bus to rinse his face with cold water. his eyes are quite puffy from crying, so he wants to do his best to look normal by the time harry, niall, and liam get back. 

after finishing in the bathroom, louis decides to roll himself a joint and smoke some weed while waiting for the others to get back. it always relaxes him. coming out to doctor banner was very difficult for him, and the weed is a good mediator to the inner panic he feels right now. he knows it's irrational, but he can't help it. the weed also is a perfect excuse for his red eyes. 

being high all of the time is something louis wishes he could do. while high, louis feels like his old self, the self that was so happy and full of life. it just makes everything a bit easier. if only he didn't have to rely on drugs to get that.


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: mention of self-harm

june 27, 2015. finland. 

as soon as they get to their hotel after their last show before travelling to america, louis rushes to the shower to meet with his razor. his stress levels have been so high the last few days, he's barely functional and requires the daily assistance of alcohol or weed to get by. even by harry's side, he can't sleep soundly. it's a struggle to fall asleep at night and he consistently wakes up several times throughout the night until he finally gives up. he can barely eat without feeling ill. his mind is constantly racing and no matter what, he can't seem to get it to slow down. 

there are only a couple more days before the band flies to california for their north american leg of the tour. the day after arriving, louis is scheduled to have his first appearance with briana. it's safe to say that louis is terrified. 

besides eleanor, louis has never had another girlfriend for publicity. he hardly knows what to expect. he was lucky with eleanor. they got on well, and she was more than willing to do the bear minimum that management required. she knew just how uncomfortable he was in their fake relationship, and did what she could to make it easier for him. louis trusts and cares about her, even if they were never in a real relationship. louis has a bad feeling that briana is not going to be like that at all. 

he was already told that he was going to have to make this appear more real than his relationship with eleanor. management probably found a woman who would be completely fine with flaunting around their relationship and complying to whatever tricks they planned to convince the press. publicity with eleanor was a long time ago. management has become a lot less merciful since then. if briana isn't as good as they want, they will not hesitate to get rid of her and move on to someone new. 

louis still hasn't even had his conversation with harry that he promised doctor banner that he would initiate. it has been a few days since his therapy session. they have all been quite busy, which louis has used as an excuse to avoid this conversation. there were a couple times where he could have, but didn't say anything because he was too nervous, or was too intoxicated, which only prolonged his dread. 

the only escape he has is here, with the shower running and a razor in hand. the only time where that feeling in his stomach subsides just a little. the sting of new lines forming on his skin gives him something else to focus on for a short while, but even this is not a total escape anymore. 

the images of liam and his mum flicker in and out of his thoughts, trying not to think of how disappointed they would be in him right now. for the most part, louis has told liam afterwards. he doesn't know if liam is reporting back to jay, but he still hates knowing that he's letting both them down. he should be talking to liam, or harry, or even his mum right now, but he's not. 

there has only been one time where louis has gone to liam when he's had the urge and was in need of a distraction. he knows that it hurts liam every time he tells his friend about new cuts. he knows he should be seeking out help from liam or even harry more. he's tired of making liam feel bad for not stopping him. he just can't help the fact that nothing eases his mind like the pain. he needs it sometimes, and he can't let liam stop him from getting his fix. 

once louis' mind is settled enough, he hops in the shower to wash himself off before talking to harry. he intends to take a quick shower, but it ends up being quite lengthy, due to his fear of the upcoming conversation. 

eventually, louis finally pulls himself out of the stream of hot water and dries himself off with visibly shaking hands. he needs this to stop. he shouldn't be so terrified to have conversation with the man he is married to. he doesn't know how much longer he can deal with the tension and stress. 

louis dresses himself in a pair of joggers and one of harry's jumpers that is much too large for him, and he exits the bathroom. 

"harry? can we talk for a couple minutes?" louis asks nervously, fiddling with the sleeves of his jumper. 

harry's head shoots up from where it was starting at his phone screen, waiting for louis to join him in bed. "yeah, of course. is everything okay?"

"yeah, fine," louis takes in a deep breath as he takes his place on his side of the bed, resting his back against the headboard and pulling his knees up to his chest. he knows doctor banner is right and he needs to open up to harry. the tension between them is obvious. he needs to do this. if he doesn't do this now, louis knows he will keep procrastinating it and will push it off until it never happens. he knows it would be wrong of him to do that this time, though. 

"i don't want you to start hating me because of this new beard management is making me have," louis says, choosing to start with the easier part of the conversation. 

"what do you mean?" harry asks, confused. "why would i hate you? it's not a real relationship."

"i know, but management wants to make it more realistic this time and i don't like the fact you'll have to see it and hear about it, and i don't want to make you jealous or uncomfortable," louis frowns. "i know i chose to do this and i completely stand by my decision, but i'm scared of what they're planning."

harry reaches over and pulls one of louis' hands away from his leg. louis glances up at harry as he pulls it closer to his body. "i'm not going to lie, i hate seeing you with other people. you know that. i do get jealous, but i know that it'll mean nothing to you. i have nothing to worry about, right?"

"of course. there will never be anyone else i love the way i love you," louis promises. 

"then there's nothing to worry about. i trust you," harry guarantees. "i trust you."

"but we don't know how far they're going to do. we don't how how bad they'll make it," he rambles. "they're going to do whatever they can to hurt us. i don't want them to do that to you. i need you to be okay."

harry squeezes louis' hand, which makes him glance up. "you should be more concerned with yourself over this than me. i know you took the beard so i wouldn't have to, which i'm so appreciative for, but i don't know if you can handle that right now. for the past few days, you haven't been yourself. you've barely been sleeping, lou. i'm not worried about you cheating on me or whatever with this girl. i know it's all fake. i'm just worried about you. i hate seeing you like this and it hasn't even started yet."

"i'm worried about what it's going to do to you. i think it'll be better for you to not actually have to be with her, but with eleanor, they let us get away with just holding hands and being seen together for the most part. i don't know how far they'll make me go, but i don't want you to feel like i'm cheating on you in case i have to be seen kissing her in public or something," louis shudders at the thought of having to kiss someone besides harry. sure, he had kissed a couple girls and even some guys when he was in school, but that was a long time ago, and not when he's in a committed long-term relationship with someone else. 

harry shakes his head. "i know it's fake, sunflower. this won't change anything between us. management isn't going to win," he assures his husband, who is looking increasingly more upset. 

harry sits up a bit and pulls louis into his chest. he rubs louis' back and kisses the top of his head. they stay like that for a few minutes, with only harry's hand's gentle movements and the sound of louis' quiet sniffles. louis is the one who pulls away and fiddles with his fingers. 

"i also wanted to tell you that i've been talking to a therapist," he admits, feeling slightly ashamed of himself. he knows it's not true, but admitting to needing a therapist makes him feel so weak and he hates it. "mum convinced me to after i was ill a couple months ago. i hate it, but i don't want to hide that from you anymore."

harry gently caresses louis' cheek and gives him a warm smile. "you know, i used to see a therapist. it was when i was younger, before the band," he shares. "i've considered starting it up again. i just haven't done it yet."

"really? you never told me that." louis asks in surprise. he looks up at harry's kind eyes staring back at him. "so you don't think i'm weak because of it?"

"of course not!" harry exclaims. "now, i want to start it again just because it's helpful, but when i was younger i went because i needed it. with my parents divorcing, and trying to figure out my sexuality, i kinda needed someone to talk to. but no matter why you're going, it doesn't make you weak."

"i can't help but feel weak, though," louis shakes his head. "you and liam and my mum are always fussing over me and i get it, i really do, but it makes me feel like there's something wrong with me and having the therapist on top of everything makes it seem even more true. i'm just stressed. that's all it is, but it's becoming such a huge thing and i hate it."

harry nods, completely understanding where louis is coming from. "i'm always going to worry about you. it's because i love you so damn much. that's never going to change, but if it would make you more comfortable, i'll try to be better about it, though. i didn't realize that i was being so overbearing. of course, i'll still always want you to come to me."

"thank you, love. thank you for being so understanding," louis says, feeling very grateful over harry's acceptance and understanding. "that's what doctor banner said."

"whatever you need from me, i'm here for you. if you want to talk, or just need a cuddle, i'm here," harry promises. 

"i can't thank you enough, harry. and i know that this has been about me a lot lately, but you know the same goes for you too, right?" louis asks. 

harry nods. "of course."

"i know it seems like i've been keeping things from you lately, so i'm really sorry. i've just been so stressed with this whole thing with management and beards and the new record, i've just been off. i'm so sorry."

"you know that you are my light, right?" harry intertwines louis' fingers with his. "it's okay. i understand. just please don't shut me out."

"of course, i promise i'll do better. just please don't hate me," louis begs. 

"i could never. is there a reason why it's taken you so long to tell me these things?" harry asks, nervously. "is there something i did that made you lose trust in me? are we okay?"

"we're okay. i promise, none of it is because of you. i just don't know how to talk about it. it's just me. nothing to do with you," louis chuckles to himself. "i've been meaning to have this conversation for days but i didn't know how to start it. i know i'm the reason things have been strange between us lately. i'm sorry."

"i trust you. it's okay. we'll work through it," harry promises. "now, come here."

finally, louis crawls under the blankets and his warm body merges with harry's. he goes to kiss harry's cheek, but harry turns just in time for their lips to meet. harry's lips turn upward into a smile. he teaches his hand out and gently cups louis' cheek, keeping him close. 

louis gladly keeps kissing harry. it's nice. it's not desperate or lustful. it's just a passionate, loving kiss that louis doesn't think they do quite enough anymore. it's clear that they're not going any farther than this right now, but neither of them mind. 

this closeness is something that has been scarce the past few days. they still spent time together and shared a room, but anyone can do that. this is a different level of intimacy that only they could share. 

harry's lips feel so soft against his. harry's smooth face brushes his as they kiss and hold onto each other. it's a while before they break away from each other, neither wanting to, but both knowing they should. 

it is late now and both men are quite tired. due to the show, louis' lengthy shower, and this long talk, it is now reaching the early hours of the morning. they have to get up decently early for their flight to america tomorrow, so they settle to get to sleep. usually, louis is the big spoon and loves to fall asleep with his love in his arms. today though, harry wraps himself around louis, knowing that's what he needs. 

after a few minutes of laying there, louis can tell that harry is still awake. his breathing is relaxed and slow, but he is not yet asleep. 

"harry?" louis speaks up. 

"hmm?" harry hums in response. 

"i'm scared. i am so scared," louis breaks down. the sobs take over his body, which makes harry wrap around him even tighter.

"shh, it'll be okay. we'll get through this," harry soothes. he never imagined just how much fear louis was dealing with. he knows that there was anger and disagreements, of course, but he didn't realize how genuinely scared louis is. "just a few more months. then we'll be free from them and you won't need to be scared anymore."

louis doesn't reply. he barely even thinks of everything he has to be scared of if he and harry ever do come out. all his brain can focus on is the fact that in just a few days, he will be back in the media with a new girlfriend and whatever evil plan management has up their sleeve. he also can't stop thinking of the guilt he feels for not telling harry the real reason why he's speaking to a therapist. he considered it, but now, with harry, he knows he can't say anything about it. his sobs don't settle until he falls asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, i feel like this story is getting kinda boring. i have somewhere i want it to go but i don’t know exactly how i’m getting there or how long it’s going to be until i get there. i don’t exactly want this to become like one million words long, but we’ll see where it goes.


	29. Chapter 29

june 29, 2015. california. 

louis nervously shifts his weight back and forth, waiting for briana to show up. in just a few minutes, a car will be arriving to take louis to meet her, and he is so nervous, he feels sick. management is pushing the idea that he and briana have known each other for a while and have already been in a somewhat established relationship, but that couldn't be farther from the truth. he has absolutely no idea what to expect. 

he had been shown a picture of her so he would know what she looks like. he has to admit that she is pretty, but has absolutely no motivation for this to go any farther than a publicity stunt. of course management would find someone who is thin and gorgeous, the ideal woman in their eyes. that's how the industry works. he needs to be seen with a stereotypically beautiful woman in order for rumors to even start. 

besides her name and her appearance, louis knows absolutely nothing about her. he wasn't told anything about her family or her hobbies, and louis doesn't know how much she knows about him, so this is guaranteed to be an incredibly awkward coffee date.

just on time, louis' driver pulls up in front of the hotel and exits the vehicle to escort louis outside. there are currently no fans outside, but they can appear out of nowhere, and it's better to play it safe just in case. 

the coffee shop is only a few minutes drive away from the hotel, but the ride feels like it stretches for hours. louis stares out the window, watching the scenery go by, wishing there was some way he could jump out of the car and avoid meeting this woman. right now, all louis wants is to disappear and start a new life, one in which he could be himself and that would be okay. there is no way out of this, though. 

when the coffee shop is in sight, louis' phone buzzes with a text from harry. his hands shake as he unlocks the phone, his mouth turning to a small smile when he reads the message, which is just harry telling him he loves him once again. harry has been extra affectionate this morning, knowing that he needed to do anything he could to distract louis. after their conversation the other day, harry really realized how much louis needs a distraction sometimes to stop thinking about the bad things. right now, this fake relationship is at the top of the list of bad things that are happening.

soon enough, they are parked outside of the store and the driver hurries over to open louis' door. he escorts louis inside. 

"remember, you have to stay inside for about 30 minutes with her. there will be some paparazzi let in to take a few pictures, but there won't be many until you have to leave," he reminds him sympathetically. "i'll come inside to get you and miss jungwirth, and you will be leaving together. modest! has already tipped off the paps as to what time to be here, so be ready for that."

louis nods as he listens to his advise. "thanks," he replies quietly. 

"good luck, mr. tomlinson." and then all of a sudden, louis is alone. 

the coffee shop isn't very busy at the moment. there are only two baristas behind the counter, as well as a couple of people gossiping over their phone and a few others at work on their computers. 

louis feels a tap on his shoulder and he spins around, eyes meeting the ones he recognizes from the photographs. she's wearing shorts and a low cut shirt that shows off a lot of her chest. she is clearly dressed to impress. louis doesn't know if that's for him or the paps. "hi," he says, awkwardly. 

"let's go get our drinks," briana kisses him on the cheek, then loops her arm through louis' and guides him over to the counter. louis internally cringes at the sudden contact. he's not even know if he would want liam or niall doing that, certainly not a woman he doesn't even know.

the baristas greet them and take their order. louis orders a cup of tea, while briana orders a large iced french toast latte, which louis pays for. once their drinks are made, they take a seat at an empty booth. out of the corner of his eye, louis notices a pap walk in to subtly take photos of them. 

the entire time, briana has been wearing a wide smile that is almost too fake. louis hates how okay she appears to be with this relationship. eleanor did it as a job. she needed the money. even so, she understood how shitty it was for louis. briana seems to not care at all. she just wants the publicity. 

"i am so excited to be joining you on tour, lou," briana says with an emphasis on the nickname louis never gave her permission to use. 

the nickname isn't even the most surprising thing for louis, though. "what do you mean joining me on tour? i didn't know about that."

briana laughs. "they didn't tell you? of course, i can't stay for the whole tour, but i'll be travelling with you for the first few shows. i'll be going back home when you leave for canada, but i'll be back later on."

"are you fucking kidding me?" louis mutters to himself. "are you sure? they probably would have told me."

"of course i'm sure. i'm your girlfriend. it's normal that i would stay with you for a while," she explains with a sickly sweet smile. 

"no, you're not my girlfriend," louis shakes his head. "this is only for publicity."

"of course i know that," briana scoffs. "this was supposed to be with the handsome one. harry, is it? it got changed after i originally met with modest!."

"leave him out of this," louis growls. how dare she bring him up. she isn't even worthy of speaking harry's name. 

a sly, knowing smirk appears on briana's face. "oh, is that what this is about? is this what they want to hide?"

"that's none of your business," louis says, coldly.

"see, i've always understood celebrities having fake public relationships with other celebrities, but i was quite confused when i got the job offer," briana explains. "this makes more sense though. for you, it would be more believable if you're dating a normal person. they just need to hide that you're gay."

"you don't know what you're talking about."

"i think i do, though. no one likes a queer," briana casually takes a sip of her iced latte, as if she hasn't been making homophobic comments. 

before he snaps at her, louis storms away from the booth and into the bathroom, locking himself in a cubicle to get a few moments alone to calm down. this is going just splendidly. louis knows barely anything about this girl, except that of course, management managed to find a complete homophobic asshole. he should have expected it. 

louis doesn't understand why it is so wrong for him to be gay. all he wants is love and to be loved. why is it necessary to fake relationships in order to hide his one true love? why does his beard have to hate who he is and judge him for it before she even knows him? 

louis had spent a lot of his early teens and time in the band wishing he was straight. if there was a way he could stop being gay, he definitely would have found it by now. how can people be so quick to hate him for something he can't change?

louis knows that it will get suspicious if he spends too long in here, so after a few more deep breaths, counting in and out, he exits the cubicle. he washes his hands and wipes down his face with cold water. he then finally walks back over to the table briana is seated at, sipping at her latte and scrolling through her phone. 

just he is about to take his seat, he is approached by a widely grinning teenage boy. he looks excited, but almost cautious to approach him. 

louis greets him with a simple, "hello," which somehow makes the boy grin even wider. 

"hi, louis! i hope i'm not interrupting anything," he says, nervously. 

louis smiles. "of course not!"

the boy seems to relax a little. "this is so crazy, meeting you. i have tickets to your concert in a few days and i'm so excited. i saved up for months."

"that's great! thank you so much for your support. it means a lot," louis expresses his gratitude to the young boy. "do you want to take a photo or anything?"

the boy's eyes light up. "that would be great! thank you so much!"

he pulls out his phone, which louis passes to briana. "would you mind?" he asks. 

she takes the phone and takes a couple of pictures of the two together. louis mood is significantly lightened by the excitement in the boy's eyes. 

"thank you so much. i'm sorry for interrupting you two," he apologizes, understanding that it must be annoying to be interrupted while in a restaurant, or wherever else he's sure louis gets stopped often. 

what he doesn't know is how thankful louis is that he got to briefly talk to someone who cares about him in the midst of this terrible fake date. "it's my pleasure. i really hope you enjoy the show!" 

the boy walks away with a spring in his step, unable to believe what just happened. louis watches him leave, feeling good that he just made the boy's day. briana watches him go as well. 

"that was strange," she states, bluntly. 

louis head snaps over to gape at her. "what do you mean?" he dares her to say whatever she's thinking. 

"he was weird. antisocial. probably gay. no wonder he was so happy to see you," she shrugs off her statement like it's nothing. 

"you can say what you want about me, but don't even dare to talk badly about my fans. that is something i won't tolerate," louis warns, being completely serious. 

briana sighs and rolls her eyes. "fine, whatever."

louis takes a deep breath. "look, don't you think we should try to get along, just a little? i think that would make this a hell of a lot easier," he tries extending an olive branch. this situation is bad enough without them completely hating each other. 

briana raises her eyebrows, unimpressed. "i'm here for a job. not to be your friend."

"yeah, we'll clearly be such a convincing couple if we hate each other's guts," louis scoffs. "this is bad enough as it is. don't make it worse."

"i don't like you."

"great, i don't like you either, but we have to put up with each other."

"i'm getting paid enough i can act really well. i don't need to like you," briana spots louis' driver enter the store, so she grabs her purse and stands up. 

louis notices too, so he downs the rest of his tea and stands up as well. briana now has a new fake smile on, knowing they will be facing a lot of paps soon. louis' eyes meet the driver's, who gives him a sympathetic look before escorting them outside. louis puts on a pair of sunglasses and tries a fake smile, knowing that management would kill him if he made it obvious that their relationship is fake. 

outside the doors of the coffee shop is chaos. cameras are flashing and people are screaming. there are security guards trying to hold people back as to not hurt louis while he walks to the car. 

louis spots a few excited looking fans and attempts to go over to them, but briana grabs his hand and stops him. her hand feels too uncomfortable in his. it's too small and not connected to the right person. she's gripping his hand too hard to keep him in line, and all he wants to do is say hi to the fans, but he's supposed to be on a date right now. his focus is supposed to be on briana. 

louis waves to the fans with his free hand and mouths an apology to them. he hopes they understand that he wants to see them, but he can't. 

when they get to the car, the driver opens the back door and louis climbs in first, shortly followed after by briana. before the door can close, briana grabs louis and kisses him, right where all the paparazzi can see. she holds him there for a few seconds until the driver closes the door. 

louis pulls himself away from her, disgusted by her actions. he hates this. he moves to the opposite side of the car and pushes himself against the window. he refuses to speak for the entire drive until they get back to the hotel. 

there are a few paparazzi at the hotel to photograph the two going inside together, but nothing crazy. it is easy for them to get inside and once away from any wandering eyes, they're able to separate and head to their own separate rooms. 

as quickly as he can, louis rushes back to his and harry's room. he throws the door open and collapses onto the bed, pulling a pillow up to his chest and sobbing into it. 

harry, who was sitting in the corner while reading a book, watches louis' heartbreaking actions, fearing just how bad the date went. he quietly closes his book and makes his way over to louis. upon feeling his weight on the bed, louis rolls himself over to tuck himself into harry's side.

harry stays quiet for a few minutes, allowing louis to hold onto him  
and get his tears out. harry wishes he could just take this pain away. "it was that bad, sunflower?" he asks when louis' sobs began to slow down. 

louis takes a deep breath, wiping the tears off of his face. "it's fine. it'll be fine. i'll get over it," he insists. "i just didn't expect her to be so bad right from the start."

harry frowns. "so she isn't going to be like el?"

louis shakes his head. "not at all. she a homophobic ass and she kissed me. i'm really sorry, love. i didn't want her to. she didn't really give me a choice," he apologizes, feeling so guilty over what happened. that is bound to upset harry. 

"it's okay, louis. it's not your fault. i'm not mad at you," harry promises. 

"can we talk about this later?" louis requests. "i don't really want to think about it anymore."

"yeah, of course," harry agrees. 

louis turns around to face harry. his eyes are all red and puffy from crying. he leans up and brings his lips to meet harry's. he needs a distraction right now. something to make him feel good. harry is the best for that.


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> before this chapter starts, i would like to add in a disclaimer to say that this is a fictional story and the events happening are in no way saying that it is real or not in real life.

july 25, 2015. minnesota. 

after a few weeks of dreaded public appearances with briana, louis managed to get himself into a mindset where he was just numb. he refused to let any emotions through. he lived every day by going through the motions and nothing else. 

he and briana do not get along at all. things have only gotten worse since their first meeting. she is rude and insensitive. the only thing she cares about is becoming famous, and louis believes there are a lot of better ways to do that than to pretend to date a celebrity. the last time louis had to go out with her, she dragged him to a busy mall so she would be able to be seen and photographed by even more people, besides the few paparazzi that modest! pays. they were having dinner in a small restaurant, so louis' security guards weren't with them at that moment, so he is really lucky he didn't get hurt while they were mobbed when briana dragged him out. 

if louis were able to care about anything anymore, he would have been terrified. he would still be scared, even days after the incident occurred. in crowded areas, especially where people know who he is, it is incredibly dangerous for him to go out without his security team. things could have ended really badly, but somehow, louis does not care. 

louis has tried to act as normal as possible around harry. his love for harry is the only thing he has been allowing himself to feel. the love is something good. he needs that. it also wouldn't be fair to harry. he deserves someone who can give him everything, not hold back. 

louis had decided to join liam in his vodka-before-during-and-after-shows tradition. keeping his mind in some sort of a haze is the only thing that allows him to get through the days without being crippled by his pain.

liam, of course, has noticed what louis has been doing and is constantly worrying about him. nearly every day for the past couple of weeks, liam has pulled louis off to the side to ask how he is doing. so far, louis has been clean because he hasn't been feeling anything, but liam knows that one day, he is going to snap.

liam feels so helpless, knowing there is nothing he can do that will help louis. the only way louis has managed to cope has been by various levels of intoxication and numbness, but liam is convinced that is not too much better. he can't keep up with this forever and liam fears the day where it catches up to him. 

louis has convinced himself that everything is fine. he buried himself into work and put everything he has left into the recording of their next single, which is set to be released in about a week. he has been writing, and pitching ideas for their new music and upcoming music videos. he has himself in a comfortable routine. he wakes up, smokes some weed, does publicity of either interviews or pap walks with briana, goes to rehearsals, drinks some, does a concert, then work on their new music before he finally goes to sleep to repeat it all over the next day. he doesn't give himself time to deal with his emotions. 

as long as this routine varies little, louis is okay. right now, he can keep going on just like this. he just hopes this publicity stunt with briana will be over soon. then, he will be able to get back to normal, whatever normal is at this point. 

today, they have the day off, which louis is spending with harry. this is a good change in the routine, but louis regrets to say that it is exhausting. he needs to fake his smiles for harry, and doing that for the entire day is hard. he knows that harry is aware that his time with briana isn't going well, but he has done his best to hide the fact he has completely shut out his emotions from harry. 

luckily, they decided to spend their day off in bed, watching movies. this means that they will only be cuddling, so louis doesn't have to fake anything. all he has to do is pretend he is interested in what is happening on the television and lay at his husband's side. that makes things a lot easier. 

the movie harry picked today is titanic, which the pair have watched together hundreds of times. louis has no need to pay attention to the screen, which he is thankful for. instead, he watches harry and his changing emotions as he watches the movie. he seems so carefree and in touch with his emotions, louis can't help but feel a little envious. he looks so effortlessly gorgeous, and it's a sight that louis could never get enough of. 

after a little while, harry glances at louis and catches him staring. he chuckles at his husband, who quickly looks away, blushing. 

"what are you looking at, sunflower?" harry teases. 

louis glances back over at him. "hmm? oh, nothing," he says, pretending that he wasn't doing anything. 

with his eyes still locked on louis', harry feels for the remote control and pauses the movie, knowing they will both be too distracted to pay attention soon. "nothing?"

"that's what i just said, isn't it, love?" louis sasses. 

harry sits up and swings his leg over louis, so he is straddling his hips. "so i'm nothing?"

louis nods. "yep. the most beautiful nothing that i've ever seen."

harry snickers. "five years and you still haven't figured out how to flirt."

"i disagree. i must've done well enough. i did manage to get myself into a relationship, if you haven't noticed."

harry's mouth is now just inches away from his, and louis can't stop himself from closing that space. harry makes him happy. harry makes him feel good. this is something he can allow himself to feel. 

harry is certainly not opposed to louis' advances. this is what he had in mind when he blindly reaches over to pause the film. 

the two of them don't have enough time alone together anymore. they're constantly busy doing promo, or being on stage, or with the other band members, that they are definitely going to take advantage of this right now. 

harry has the most control over the situation right now, as he is on top of louis, and he encourages their kiss to become more passionate as his hands start wandering. first, up to louis cheek and then to his hair to lightly tug on it. then, somehow, his hands find their way to his hips and the drawstring of the joggers he is wearing. 

louis moans in encouragement for harry to keep going when his hands start pulling down the joggers. he throws his head back against the pillow, resulting in harry taking advantage of his exposed neck. his hands tangle into harry's hair as harry starts working down his pants. 

harry's touch is the best thing louis has felt in days. the bliss he feels from harry's actions is incredible. he wishes this moment would never end. 

suddenly, louis' phone starts ringing, making both him and harry jump in surprise. louis groans, not wanting his moment with harry to be interrupted, but knowing he should probably make sure it is nothing important. 

harry keeps working as louis blindly reaches over to where his phone is sitting on the bedside table and checks the screen, noticing the call is from none other than simon cowell. 

"oh, fuck," louis mutters, pushing harry off of him, all the arousal he felt draining out of him in an instant. harry immediately stops and looks at his husband with concern. 

louis takes a few deep breaths and pulls his trousers back up, trying to steady his breathing before answering the call. "hello?"

"ah, mr. tomlinson! how are you doing today? i hope you weren't busy."

"actually, i was," louis mumbles, but knowing that won't mean anything to simon. 

louis sits with his feet hanging over the edge of the bed, while harry takes the spot behind him, with his legs on either side of louis' body. he wraps his arms around louis' waist and rests his chin on his shoulder. in this position, harry is able to hear some of what simon is saying. 

"i wanted to say congratulations and wish you my best," simon tells him. 

louis pauses, trying to recall anything he has done recently that would need to be congratulated, but he can't think of anything. "what are you talking about?"

"oh you didn't hear? perfect. i really did want to be the one to let you know," simon says, cruelly. there is something about the tone of his voice that makes louis' skin crawl. "you're going to be a dad!"

everything stops. the phone in louis' hand falls in slow motion. a million things run through his head by the time the phone reaches the ground, but somehow, he still can't form any cohesive thought. 

simon chuckles at louis' silence. "congratulations on your fatherhood, mr. tomlinson. the press will certainly have a field day with this one."

simon hangs up and leaves louis not having any clue of what to do. a pregnancy makes so much sense. it is a perfectly foolproof way to convince an audience that he is straight. how can he be gay if there is evidence of him having sex with a woman? management promised they would do whatever it takes to make this seem as real as possible. apparently that goes to the extreme of faking a child. 

at first, louis doesn't react. his brain refuses to process it. harry watches on, nervously, knowing that this won't end well. 

louis calmly picks up his phone and places it on the bedside table. he kicks his feet up back into the bed. he leans against the headboard and intertwines his fingers together over his lap. he sits silently, not saying a word. 

cautiously, harry climbs beside him and rests his head on louis' shoulder once again. he doesn't dare to speak before louis does. harry is heartbroken by the news he heard, too. the day where they could have kids together is something harry has waited for since the day they met. he loves children, and raising one, or more, with louis has never been a question. now, management is trying to force a child on louis, and it's not going to be someone that is theirs, someone they will raise together. 

harry hates that all of this is happening. he hates that management can control them like this. he hates that their careers are having such a huge impact on their personal lives. when he and louis started dating, he never would have imagined it would cause so many problems. all they want is love and to have a healthy relationship like any other couple would. he never expected for management to do things that were so directly against them. 

that is why harry is so excited for the day that they move on from modest! management. harry is not one of those people who wants to share every aspect of his relationship with the public, but all he wants is for the world to know that he is in love with louis william tomlinson and nothing will ever change that. 

"they're fucking ruining everything!" louis whispers, finally. he has been dead silent ever since the phone hung up. harry doesn't even know if he noticed his presence on the bed next to him. "i've always dreamed about having kids with you. always. now they're ruining this too."

louis clutches onto harry's shirt and finally breaks down. weeks worth of emotions are finally catching up to him. this is all too much.

harry rubs louis' back to comfort him, but right now, he has no idea how to make any of this better for him. management has gone to extremes before, but a child is a whole new level that louis was certainly not prepared for. 

after a while of sitting in harry's embrace, louis pulls away and climbs off the bed. "i need to go for a walk," he tells harry. 

harry jumps to his feet as well. "do you want me to come with you?" he asks, hopefully. 

louis shakes his head. "alone, please."

louis heads out the door, leaving harry standing behind, helpless. how could one possibly make this right?

harry knows that louis is probably going straight to liam. of course, he loves that the two of them are so close, but him and louis are married. shouldn't louis want his help as well? this is what always happens now. it seems like louis is now spending more time with liam than he is with his partner. harry now is starting to wonder where he went wrong. 

on the other side of the door, louis paces down the hallway a few times before knocking on liam's door. right now, he is in the mood to do something his mum and liam would very much disapprove of, so he needs to see him.

after a minute, liam opens the door with a smile on his face, until he sees louis' tear stained face and somber expression. he opens the door wider and allows louis to come inside. as soon as the door closes, louis falls into liam's arms and sobs into his shoulder. liam just stands there, trying to comfort him as much as he can. this is the breakdown he has been expecting for weeks. he doesn't know what the last straw was, though. all he knows is that it must be pretty bad.

"come on, tommo. let's go sit down," liam suggests, guiding them to a couple of chairs. "what happened lou? is everything okay with harry?" he prompts. 

"a baby," louis spits out. "that's what their great plan was. a baby."

"oh, lou," liam sighs. poor louis can never get a break from their shitty management team. "did you do anything before you came here?" liam dares to ask, being scared of the answer. 

louis shakes his head. "was with harry."

"good," liam states. "thank you for coming here."

louis doesn't say anything to that. he just pulls his feet up onto the chair so he can wrap his arms around his knees. 

"you're welcome to stay here as long as you need, but i think you and harry need to be together right now. this impacts him, too," liam suggests. he will be a rock for louis as long as he needs, but he knows that louis needs harry most. liam will never be able to offer him the same things that harry does. 

"okay," louis agrees. "just a few more minutes."

"of course," liam pulls louis over to him and allows his best friend to quietly cry into his shoulder.


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i finally got back into my wattpad account (and almost cried when i did), so i rewrote this chapter with the parts i liked from the two different versions of it i had written. it’s similar to the original one i posted, but just improved a bit. enjoy.

august 5, 2015. new jersey. 

the day after louis' baby was confirmed in an interview with good morning america, he and harry lay in bed together after their show. is a difficult time for both of them. as much as he tried to hide it, harry was visibly upset during the interview, and it killed louis to have to pretend to be buzzing about a baby that he wasn't going to be having with harry. it's hard to act like everything is okay, when they are hurting so much on the inside. 

the crowd at their concert that night was electric, as always. they had played that stadium before, and the new york city crowd was just as incredible as expected, but it was obvious that louis felt down for the entire show. 

the boys noticed, of course, and even some of the fans. liam spent quite a bit of time throughout the show trying to cheer him up, or at least distract him enough to get through the show. niall did what he could as well, but he didn't understand the full emotional hardship that louis is going through. in the public, louis had to be fully reliant on liam until he could get to harry. 

sometimes, louis is an expert at hiding his emotions, but tonight, harry could read him like an open book. it was breaking his heart that he was not allowed to do anything for his husband while they were on stage. he had to pretend to not notice his husband's pain. he hates that. 

as soon as they arrived back at their hotel, harry and louis cuddled together. harry could see the thoughts running through louis' head at a million miles per hour. 

it's hard for him to look forward to anything during a time like this. they have a new song out and a new album on the way. that should be something they're excited for, but that is not at the front of their minds. 

"it's nice to see the fans having such a good reaction to this new song," louis mentions, pointing out the one good thing going on. he wants to keep harry talking about things that make him happy. keeping the fans happy is important to them, even if they have other things going on. 

"you're right," harry agrees. "it's great that we still have so much support, even with zayn gone. i'm proud of us. we all did good with this one."

louis wraps his arms around harry's waist and pulls him closer, so that harry is laying on his back and louis is on his side, clinging to harry with his face buried in his chest. harry wraps an arm around louis' shoulders. 

"i hope they don't start hating me," he admits. 

"what?" harry questions, not understanding where louis is coming from. "why would they hate you?"

"because only a few months after eleanor and i broke up, i meet this new girl and instantly knock her up. of course it's fake, but they don't know that. they're going to think it's real and that i'm neglecting briana and the baby," louis explains.

harry sighs. "one day, they'll know the truth, my sunflower. one day."

louis takes a deep breath and stays silent. it turns out, briana actually is pregnant. she has an actual boyfriend, and they were already planning on having a child together, but the child wasn't conceived until about a month ago. such perfect timing for management's cruel plans. 

management had went out and deliberately found a woman who was hoping to become pregnant that would be willing to pose as louis' partner to the public. it was the perfect plan. they would get paid more than enough to make sure the child would never have to worry a day in their life, while also trying to shut down any rumors that might pop up about louis and harry. louis can't imagine what kind of person would be okay with their girlfriend pretending their child belongs to someone else for money, but who is louis to judge? it's not like he has a say in what happens to him anyway. 

the fans and press have also had such varied reactions. some congratulated him, genuinely believing that he was buzzing to have the child. some claimed it was fake, just a publicity stunt pulled off by management. louis wishes they could know they are right. 

the worst is the fans who are angry. the ones calling briana a whore, and sending threats to her and the innocent unborn child. others are mad at louis for knocking up a woman when they had been together for such a short amount of time. louis doesn't like briana at all, but hates the threats her and the child are getting. no one deserves to have such horrible things said about them, especially not a baby who was roped into this before he was even conceived. 

louis lifts his head up and places a soft kiss to where he can reach on harry's neck. harry turns himself into his side so he can face louis and brushes away his messy hair so he can kiss his forehead. they lay there for a couple minutes before harry speaks up again. 

"so, i heard that management doesn't want to put home on the album," harry says carefully, not wanting to upset louis. 

to harry's surprise, louis just responds with a shrug. "there's nothing we can do about it. it's too gay to go on the album. we probably should have expected that."

harry frowns. "people deserve to hear it, though. it's an incredibly written song and definitely deserves a place on the final album. maybe we can find a way to release it some other time," he theorizes. 

"i thought about that. probably wouldn't work. we'll never get that past them."

"do you not want people to hear it?" harry asks, slightly shocked by the indifference in his husband's voice. 

"i love that song. i really do. it just isn't good enough to fit in with the rest of the songs we picked. it doesn't matter," he explains. 

harry can't help but be disappointed in louis' response. louis loves this song and is very proud of it. he should be more willing to put up a fight to get this song on the album. this isn't like louis at all. he has always been one to fight for what he wants and not give up until he has put in everything he can. he hates that louis is giving up so easily now. 

"remember the day you proposed?" harry speaks up, catching louis' attention. 

"of course i do. how could i forget?" louis responds, slightly confused of why harry is bringing it up now. how could he forget one of the best days of his life, that is only behind their wedding day and the day they met. 

it was perfect. at that point, they had only been dating for two years, and louis decided to propose on their anniversary. he and harry had talked about marriage before, and knew that they would probably end up marrying each other, but harry still wasn't expecting it at all. 

louis had taken the younger man by surprise, to the extent that harry couldn't even find words to say for around five minutes. it was only five minutes, but it felt like five years to louis, who couldn't tell if the silence was a good or bad thing. thankfully, harry eventually came around to understanding what louis was asking, and jumped into louis' arms, exclaiming, "yes" over and over. 

louis smiles fondly to himself at the memory. he knows that they were young then, and it's usually unwise to make such big life decisions at such a young age, but louis doesn't regret it one bit. if anything, it was the best choice of his life. 

harry takes his head off of where it was resting on louis' and looks him in the eyes. "when i went home and told my mum you proposed, did i ever tell you what she said to me?" louis shakes his head, intrigued. "she told me that if gemma had come home saying she was engaged to any of her boyfriends, she would have immediately thought that was a bad idea, but when i was barely nineteen and said i was engaged to you, she was so happy. she knew that you were going to be good to me and we are meant to be together."

louis blushes, unable to fight the smile working its way into his face. "really? she said that?" he asks in disbelief. 

harry nods. "she's a mum. she's supposed to be protective over me and not like any of my partners. that's what mums do," he chuckles. "it was never like that with you, though. she always knew that we would be able to stand together and fight against anything that got in our way. most mums wouldn't be too happy over their nineteen year old child marrying some guy who's twenty-one, but it was never like that. mum always loved how strong you are and how supportive you have always been. she could always tell that. now, i see that you're no longer seeing that in yourself, so i think this is something you deserve to know."

"i never knew she said that about me,"  
louis admits. he can't help the heartwarming feeling spreading through his chest. "i never knew she liked me that much."

"she adores you!" harry exclaims. "she thinks the world of you. and that is all because of how good you are to me. you're the best man I know," he glances away from louis' eyes. "you know, i never had a reason to be proud of my sexuality until i met you."

louis reaches over and squeezes his hand to comfort him. "it's okay, love. you're perfect." it is hard for louis to hear things like this. he hates thinking about a time where harry hated who he was, just as louis does now. he has always put harry on such a high pedestal. he thinks harry is absolutely flawless. he hates thinking that harry could see something wrong with who he is, because according to louis, there is absolutely nothing that he should change. 

"you allow me to feel like that. ever since i met you. mum sees that. she knows that you are the strongest and most supportive person and she is so happy that i found you," harry says, tightening his grip on louis. you're worth more than you give yourself credit for. you deserve to know that."

"thank you, love. i really appreciate this," louis whispers. 

"you're the best man i know," harry repeats. "you deserve to know that and see yourself in even a fraction of the way i see you."

"thank you, harry. that means a lot," louis says, squeezing his arms tighter around his husband. "you know, my mum has always thought of you as family, too. she was so happy i met someone as lovely as you. the day she met you and saw us together, she knew we were meant to be together. on our wedding day, she told me she had been waiting for it ever since the day she met you. the kids all love you too, which is a plus."

at the sound of the compliment, harry turns all shy, which in louis' opinion, is one of the most adorable things in the world. harry has always been one to shy away from any praise, which louis has never been able to understand because harry is the most talented and wonderful person he knows. 

"stop it, lou," he blushes, secretly loving hearing how highly louis' family thinks of him. that is something that is so important to harry. louis is so incredibly close to his family, and it has always meant so much to harry that the people who love louis the most approve of him as a partner. 

"no way. this is cute," louis teases. "mum was so excited to show you off to everyone at her and dan's wedding. i think she might've been more proud for everyone to see you than me."

"i was so cool when i got home and got to tell all of the lads that i had an older boyfriend. there is nothing better for a seventeen year-old than to tell people that you're dating a hot older guy," harry says, switching the conversation back over to louis. 

"yeah, i know. i'm the coolest. older, wiser, more mature. i'm the whole package," louis giggles to himself. "do you remember the day when you got drunk for the first time?"

harry groans in embarrassment at the memory and covers his face with his hands. "i prefer to block that from my memory, if you wouldn't mind."

"you were so cute though," louis coos. "you got so clingy to me. i had never expected you to be such an affectionate drunk, but now that i think about it, that's the only thing that makes sense."

"yeah, i'm so cute and affectionate until i vomited all over your brand new vans in front of everybody and you practically had to carry me home," harry cringes.

"i mean, i do remember telling you not to drink so much and you blatantly ignored my suggestion. that was all on you, love. that is just proof that you should take every word i day as gospel and never disagree with me. that would just be a mistake on your part. just like when you ate that bloody banana someone threw on stage."

"piss off," harry mutters, trying to roll away from louis, but being stopped when louis practically lays down on top of him. lust instantly fills harry's body, and he can't help but pull louis down so that their lips meet. 

louis, of course, does not hesitate to start kissing back. he swings his leg over so he can be fully on top of harry and begins running his hands up and down harry's bare chest. harry usually sleeps without a shirt on, especially during the summer. they had both already showered and gotten out of their sweaty concert clothes, so harry was topless and ready for bed already, which louis was definitely planning on taking advantage of. 

louis breaks his lips away from harry's and begins peppering kisses all over his face and chest, making harry giggle at the sensation. at first, he purposely ignores his nipples, knowing those are the most sensitive, and he works on getting his mouth on every other spot on harry's torso. finally, his mouth touches harry's nipple, but only for a second, making him squirm in pleasure and the desire for more. 

louis soon strips harry of his joggers and pants and continue placing kisses all over harry's body, continuing with his thighs. he can feel that harry is starting to get desperate, and he loves the control he has over him right now. all of harry's pleasures is in louis' hands, and he absolutely loves it. 

using his mouth and his fingers, louis works harry open. once he is ready, harry tugs down louis' joggers, which he is pleased to find nothing underneath. it isn't long before harry is moaning out louis' name. 

it has been a week or so since they have done this, and they are both loving every second of it. somehow, it feels even more intimate than usual. something about the conversations from the night and the challenges they have been facing lately makes them feel even closer than ever. they both love it. 

this is how louis shows harry his love. when he can't find the words to say, he turns to these touches that can speak for him. its a language that harry can understand. he knows what louis is trying to say with each touch. 

louis treats him like a piece of art, something beautiful that must be treated with love and care. that is just what louis does. he does everything he can to make harry happy and feel good about himself, but that goes out the window when it comes to taking care of himself. 

when they finish, they don't bother getting up to find something to clean with. they don't care. they are in the exact spot they want to be. louis with his arms wrapped tightly around harry, and harry feeling so safe in louis' warm embrace. they are perfect. 

"thank you for tonight, love," louis says once their breathing has gone back to normal. "not the sex, i mean. well, yeah that too, but mostly, thank you for telling me about your mum. it means a lot. i feel good now. really good. so, thank you."

harry shakes his head. "you don't have to thank me, sunflower. i just wanted to cheer you up a bit." some day, he will make louis love himself the way he loves louis. he will constantly treat louis like a prince until he eventually has to see himself as such. if there is someone who deserves that, it is louis. 

"yeah, well, it worked. thank you."

"i love you."

"i love you, too," louis gives harry one last kiss and harry shuts his eyes, exhausted from the show and the night they just had, but also from the entire week. it has been a long few days and it's starting to catch up with him. harry knows that it won't be long before he is fast asleep in louis' arms. 

once harry's breathing evens out and he is fast asleep, louis remains awake for a while. he watches harry and his eyes light up like he is staring at the entire world, and he is. harry is his world. he is so lucky to have him and he knows that. 

it has been a while since the two have had a night like this, filled with laughter and good memories. louis loves nights like this. it makes him feel like he's eighteen again and experiencing the pure bliss of truly falling in love for the first time. this is how every day used to be, and it makes louis feel a lot better knowing that those days are still possible. 

louis smiles down at harry and kisses his cheek softly, making sure to not wake him. he catches the corners of harry's mouth twitch up ever so slightly at the touch. louis takes one last glance at his husband's beautiful face and lays his head against his bare chest. louis can hear every one of harry's heartbeats, which is the sound that he eventually drifts off to sleep too.


	32. Chapter 32

october 31, 2015. england.

the four boys stand just backstage, holding onto each other's hands, listening to the deafening screams of the fans. their introduction video can barely be heard over the sound of thousands of people waiting to see their favorite band performing their last show on tour together. 

the last show of every tour is always a big deal. it's the last time they perform a lot of songs live and the last time they have their own show until the next tour. tours are always something special. a time where they can travel around the world for the sole purpose of sharing their art with everyone. the last show of every tour has always been emotional and insane, but today is different. this time, they have nothing planned for the future. no tour to look forward to next year. no guarantee of when they will be back together. there is so much uncertainty. 

after five years of insanity, it's strange to think that they are done touring together, at least for an indefinite amount of time. they were still scheduled to do a few more televised performances, such as on the x-factor, but that is different than a tour. this is the last day they're going to be living and working together nearly every day. of course, harry and louis will still be living together, but it won't be the same without their two best friends nearby at all times.

niall pulls the three other boys into one last hug, just as the music for clouds begins. they break away from the hug and run on stage, but not before louis can steal one last kiss from harry. 

the emotion coursing through the arena when they come out on stage is unbelievable. even with their earpiece in, it is difficult for the boys to hear one another over the sound of the fans. 

all of their family and friends are here tonight to witness one direction's last concert. they are seated near the stage, all so insanely proud of the four boys on stage who started out with just a dream, never imagining that they would be finishing up their fourth headlining world tour. 

throughout the show, louis sends several glances towards his family. his siblings are having the time of their lives, dancing and singing along to the music. jay is right next to anne, which is something louis loves to see. he loves how well his mum and harry's mum get on. louis and harry always wanted their families to like each other, which thankfully, was pretty instantaneous. jay and anne, as well as lottie and gemma became so close so quickly, just as harry and louis did. and it is all because of this band. 

all four boys savor every minute of the concert. they take in how loudly and beautifully the fans sing along to story of my life. how pumped they get as soon as the music to no control starts. how confidently they add in the "you sing!" during little things. harry and louis were even aloud to have contact on stage for the first time in years. it warms both of their hearts how loudly the crowd screams when they go in for the hug. 

none of them want the moment to end. they can't imagine what it is going to be like once they are finished, so they repeat the chorus of act my age over and over, having the time of their lives watching their families and all of the fans dance along. if they could, they would stay onstage forever. 

once the last note of what makes you beautiful fades out, they are all hit with such a strange sensation. that is a song they have done at every single show since the beginning. how, they have performed it for the last time. what a crazy thing to think. 

soon enough, drag me down finishes, and the band says one final "thank you" to the fans. then, seeming as quick as it all started, everything is over. the boys are being rushed backstage to get their equipment taken off. they are led to their dressing rooms to change out of their sweaty clothes and given some snacks, to appease their appetites. everything feels like it's happening in a blur. 

after niall and liam leave the dressing room, louis and harry sit down on the couch to take a moment to themselves before going out to see their families. harry sits on the couch normally with an arm wrapped around louis, who is cuddled closely to his side. his legs are thrown over harry's legs and his arms wrapped around his waist. louis can feel every breath that harry takes, and he loves it. 

the two don't have too much time to sit by themselves right now. jay and anne had arranged a nice dinner for everyone after the show. they wanted to take the band and their crew and families for a nice meal as a conclusion to the era. 

"i'm really going to miss this," louis admits to harry. "the fans, all of us together. it'll be strange without it."

"don't worry, it won't be forever," harry pulls louis to his side. he places a kiss on louis' cheek. "and now, we're one more step closer to our freedom."

louis stays silent, just leaning into harry's touch. he glances around the dressing room, knowing it's one of the last times he'll be in one like this with his bandmates for a long time. he knows how excited the other members are about the opportunities that will come to them during the hiatus. louis is mostly scared. 

there is nothing in his mind that doubts their ability to have successful solo careers. niall is the most lovable irishman, who is a great songwriter and can play the guitar. who doesn't like that? liam has the perfect personality, looks, and vocals to be a pop star. he has one of the kindest souls and can get along with anyone. then, there's harry, who is just perfect. he is ridiculously talented and everyone who meets him loves him. they have so much potential no matter where they want to go in the future. 

louis can't see that in himself. he can't see a future for himself without one direction. ever since joining the band, louis felt like he would be nothing without it. he doesn't know what to plan for next. 

he doesn't see how much the fans love him because he is a genuinely kind and caring person. he doesn't notice how they see past the image management pushes on him and love him anyway. he doesn't realize how much respect the fans all have for him due to him having the courage to start writing music, completely transforming the sound of the band, and all of the layers his vocals add to each harmony. 

louis doesn't want his fear to become evident to harry. he knows he's being somewhat irrational. everything will be fine. probably. 

"you know, there's this movie coming out in 2017. i think i might audition for one of the roles," harry reveals. 

louis gasps in shock. "really? my husband, a movie star?" he exclaims. 

harry shrugs, shyly. "yeah, maybe. i'm not completely sure. just thinking about doing something new. do you think i'd be able to do it?"

"let's hope your acting skills are better than they were when we were on icarly," louis teases, kissing the pout that appears on harry's face. "of course you can do it, love. you're the most talented man alive and that's not a bias. it's an actual scientific fact."

harry giggles and turns his head into the crook of louis' neck. "i love you," he whispers. 

"i love you, too."

louis takes harry's chin and slowly turns it upward so he can kiss him. harry's lips move carefully against his and they both melt into each other's touch. 

if louis could live in any moment for the rest of his life, it would be now. just finishing up an incredible show and alone, with his lips pressed up against the love of his life. in this moment, he didn't have to acknowledge anything else. he doesn't have to think about briana, or simon, or management. it's just him and harry after facing the best fans in the world with their best friends. this is all he wants. 

sadly, they can't stay here forever. there is a knock at the door, and anne peeks her head in after a couple seconds, to give them time to get decent, just in case. 

"hi, darlings. are you going to be ready to get going soon?" she asks, entering the room. 

harry climbs off the couch and greets his mum with a hug. "of course. we're ready to go."

"wonderful show today, boys. absolutely wonderful," anne congratulates. 

"thank you, anne," louis gets up so he can get his hug. anne has always been the best hugger. 

"wow," anne says, stepping back and cupping harry's face with her hand. "look how far you two have come. just yesterday you were kids begging to move to london together. now, you're all grown up."

"don't you start crying now, mum. if you cry, then i'll start crying, and then lou will probably start crying, and everyone will be crying. is that what you want?" harry scolds. 

anne carefully wipes her eyes, trying not to mess up her makeup. "okay then, let's get going. i'll keep it together."

harry wraps an arm around his mum's shoulders and gives her a one-armed hug. the other is too busy reaching out for louis' hand. together, the three of them exit the arena to head to the car taking them to the restaurant. 

as they leave, louis takes one last look around the place, not knowing the next time he'll be somewhere like this again. the narrow corridors backstage, the rumble of fans sounding through the walls. 

harry squeezes louis' hand, pulling him back to reality. louis squeezes back, letting harry know that he is alright. 

"just thinking," he mumbles. 

harry lifts louis' hand and kisses the back of it. "love you."

"love you," louis responds, feeling a faint blush creep onto his face due to their affection in front of his mother-in-law. 

anne doesn't seem to care. she wears a warm smile, just happy that her son found someone who makes him so happy. 

they pile into a car that has robin, gemma, and lottie already seated in it. everyone else is in other cars, as it would be impossible to fit everyone into just just one car. 

the drive to the restaurant isn't long, only about five minutes. jay and anne had planned it so they wouldn't have to waste too much time traveling. it was already so late when the show ended, and they didn't want to keep the younger kids up later than necessary. 

louis spends the short drive focused on the feeling of harry's thumb rubbing back and forth across his hand. louis can tell harry isn't thinking much of it, but it is the only thing consuming louis' mind. it's such a simple but affectionate touch that makes louis feel so connected to his husband. 

once the short drive is up, the file out of the car and head into the restaurant, where everyone else is already seated. a waitress greets them and leads them over, where they settle at the large table. the waitress passes out menus and leaves them to browse for a few minutes. the table is quiet as everyone makes their selections, and orders when the waitress comes back. 

"so, what is next for you boys?" greg, niall's brother wonders, being the first to speak up, besides some gibberish coming from ernest. 

"mostly promotion for the album," liam explains. he's always been the responsible one. "we have some interviews to do and a couple more performances, but after that, who knows."

"i think we can all agree that we would be pretty stupid to never do this again," niall mentions, getting a nod of agreement from each of his bandmates. "at some point, we'll have to tour this album. the fans deserve that."

"can you play us the new album, louis?" phoebe pleads to louis from across the table, now very excited for it after hearing the mention of it by liam. 

louis chuckles and shakes his head. "sorry, love, not yet."

phoebe pouts for a moment, before quickly turning to harry. "harry, can you please play us the new album?"

louis gasps in fake offense of her trying to go through harry now. this is always something he's imagined would happen with their kids. one parent saying no, so ask the other parent instead. louis loves that his sister, who he's taken care of for her whole life, is now doing that with his husband. 

"sorry, phoebe. it still has a few more finishing touches to go. how about i come over and play it for you as soon as it's done?" harry suggests. 

both of the twins' face light up. they nod excitedly at the idea. "i knew you were my favorite for a reason!" phoebe exclaims, happily. 

harry sends a sly smirk to louis, because he was able to give the twins what they want. louis rolls his eyes and squeezes harry's thigh where his hand is resting. harry gives him a cheeky smile, and louis can't help but grin back. 

harry turns back to the girls to keep talking to them, but louis is too caught up in watching harry. he has the brightest smile and basically just radiate happiness and love. he is so good with the kids and everyone in his family loves him. he really never could have found anyone better. 

a quick jab from an elbow in his ribs breaks louis out of his trance. he glares at lottie, who is sitting on the other side of him. 

"you're staring," she states. 

louis huffs. "i'm allowed. piss off."

lottie shows him her phone screen, ignoring his comments. she has twitter pulled up, which is full of fans expressing all of their emotions over their last concert. "your fans are insane," she explains in awe. "i never would have guessed that a hug between you and harry would make such a fuss."

louis can't help the feeling of warmth that crosses through his body when he sees one of the many different photos of the hug. it looks like such a simple gesture, but no one really knows the battle behind them. the number of times when they weren't even allowed in the same vehicle, or next to each other during an interview. that simple hug feels like the most honest they have been in years and it feels like a battle they have won in the face of a war they are on the losing side of.

"we're cute together, what can i say?" louis shrugs. 

lottie nudges him. "it's so much more than that and you know it. i'm happy for you, big brother."

"thanks, lots," louis smiles at her. how he ended up with such great siblings, he didn't know, but he will always be eternally grateful for them. 

after everyone has stuffed themselves until they can't take another bite, the table starts thinning out. it was already quite late when the show was ending, so the younger kids are barely awake at this point. the same goes for harry, who is an old lady at heart and just wants to get to bed with his husband. 

they aren't too far from doncaster, so that is where louis and harry had arranged to spend the night. they'll be heading back to london in the morning, but for now, they need to get to bed.

the two cuddle together on louis' small childhood bed, which seems like going back to the starting place of before it all began. louis slept in this bed the night before his x-factor audition. now, five and a half years later, he's laying here again after they finished their fourth world tour, alongside his beautiful husband. 

"what a day," harry mutters, close to falling asleep. 

louis nods in agreement. "what a day."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i finally put my tickets for love on tour up for sale today and i cried while doing it. that concert was the one thing i was looking forward to and now it is up for anyone to buy. i feel like i shouldn't be this sad about it, but i am. 
> 
> i also have to self-quarantine for this week before i go back to college, so i'll have extra time to write because i'm not working, but i am moving in on saturday, and classes start a week from today, so who knows how much time i'll have to write then. i'm on my school's equestrian team, and that times up a lot of time plus classes, so i'll try to write as often as i can, but after these next few chapters, updates will be much less frequent. i don't have high hopes that we're going to stay for long and neither does my school, but then there will still be online classes. we'll have to see how everything goes. i just want to keep everyone somewhat aware of what's going to be happening with updating this story. thanks for reading.


	33. Chapter 33

november 5, 2015. england.

on a day off from press interviews and work, harry decides to get up early and go for a run. it's been a while since he's had the time and motivation to spend some time by himself, and to him, an early morning run is the best idea. 

harry is careful to not wake louis as he gets up. he has experienced the angry wrath of a grumpy louis one too many times to risk doing it again. he takes just a minute to appreciate how adorable and peaceful his husband is, wrapped in a pile of blankets and his feathery hair a mess across his pillow. harry thankfully didn't disturb him too much while climbing out of bed. 

as quietly as he can, harry changes into a pair of workout clothes and makes his way to the bathroom to brush his teeth and tie his hair back. it isn't long before he is out the door, grabbing a protein bar to eat along the way. 

once the protein bar is finished, he tucks the wrapper into his pocket to throw in the rubbish bin when he gets back home. he takes out a pair of headphones to shove into his ears and hits play on made in the a.m. 

harry has always liked having the chance to listen to new music by himself before it is released. he likes giving himself the chance to hear everything objectively, without any other opinions butting in, to decide if he is truly happy with the finished product. this is his time to not be swayed by the opinions of management or any of the critics. it is something that harry has gotten in the habit of doing, and makes him feel more confident as release day approaches. 

harry can't help but appreciate the beauty of london so early in the morning as he jogs. it is too early for the streets to be packed with bustling tourists, so he mostly passes people on their way to work or taking their dogs out for a morning walk. the leaves of the trees planted on every street corner are beginning to change color, to beautiful, vibrant shades of red and yellow. 

there is something different about the city on a crisp, cool morning that harry absolutely loves. it makes the city feel so much smaller and more like home, but also makes him feel like an ordinary person. right now, he is not harry styles, famous boy band member. he is just a guy going for a nice jog. sometimes, it's nice to be just an ordinary person. 

once the last track, a.m., concludes, harry decides to slow down to a walk, letting himself cool off before heading back home. he takes out his headphones, choosing not to listen to any more music. he decides that he is fully content with the finalized album. him and the other band members have stepped up and created something they can all be really proud of. harry is happy with that. they have faced a lot of challenges in the creation of this new album, but they persevered. 

as he walks, harry notices that he's about to pass louis' favorite café. it is only a couple of blocks from their home, so harry decides to surprise louis with a little treat when he gets back home. waking louis up to his favorite coffee and pastries would definitely give him a good start to his day, especially since it has been so long since they have been to the shop. he checks the time on his phone, and decides that it is late enough that louis should probably be getting up soon anyway, and makes his way inside. 

as it is still fairly early, the shop is mostly empty, which harry is thankful for. it wouldn't be the best idea to be meeting fans right now while he is all sweaty and buying breakfast for his sleepy husband. 

within just a couple minutes, harry is out the door with two coffees and a bag of louis' favorite pastries. he hurries back home, with the hope that everything will still be warm by the time he gets louis out of bed. maybe they'll eat together, then harry can take a shower, and they can spend the rest of their day cuddled on the couch watching movies. 

as soon as harry steps through the front door and the heat hits him, he realizes just how chilly it's getting outside. it's only the beginning of november, but they are back in england, so the sun is not in the picture anymore. harry sets the drinks and pastries down and makes his way upstairs to their bedroom. 

louis woke to the sound of a door closing downstairs. his tired state has no interest in finding out what it is. maybe someone is breaking in. louis wouldn't care as long as he got to have a few more minutes in bed. he rolls onto his stomach, burying his face into his pillow, not wanting to get up. he reaches an arm out to harry's side of the bed wanting to cuddle, but is disappointed to feel nothing there. 

frowning, he turns his head and opens his eyes, to be faced with an empty space in the bed where his harry is supposed to be. the bed is too cold now. he doesn't have too much time to worry about where harry is, because seconds later, he is opening the door to their room. 

"morning, love," louis mumbles, sleepily. 

"good morning," harry responds back. "i have a surprise for you," he says as he pulls off his sweaty shirt, chuckling as louis' eyes go directly down to his chest. 

"hmm, i must say i like this surprise," louis says, sitting up to get a better view of his husband. "waking up to a strip tease is exactly my idea of a good time."

harry rolls his eyes at louis' flirtatious comments. "funny, but i'm not the surprise."

he makes his way over to the closet to pull out a clean shirt. he'll shower after breakfast, but for now, he just wants to be out of his sweaty running clothes. 

"woah, woah, woah," louis interrupts harry as he goes to put the new shirt on. "what do you think you're doing?"

harry raises an eyebrow, not knowing what louis is talking about. 

"leave the shirt off," louis instructs, actually climbing out of bed to stop him. 

harry can't help but laugh at his lover, amused by his actions. even though louis is focused on harry's body, harry can't help but find him to be completely adorable. the way louis caresses his bare chest so carefully, and looks at him like he is the most beautiful thing in the world. he makes harry feel so special. 

louis fingers eventually trace their way up to land on harry's chin and he stands on his toes to reach to fit his lips onto harry's. the kiss is so loving and soft, harry melts into him and never wants to pull away. 

sadly, though, they have hot coffee and pastries waiting for them downstairs, and harry had planned to enjoy them before they got cold. they should probably go to do that soon. 

he pulls back from louis' kiss and takes hold of louis' hand. he decides to leave the shirt off, not wanting louis to stop being infatuated with his bare chest. he doesn't mind, of course. he thinks it's cute. he likes the attention. he also doesn't mind that louis, who is just wearing one of harry's shirts that is significantly too big for him and pants, makes no attempt to put on a pair of trousers. 

hand in hand, the couple make their way downstairs, where harry leads them towards the kitchen. louis' feet drag as he walks, showing that according to louis' internal clock, it is too early to be awake. his yawn looks like one from a tiny kitten. harry loves it. 

harry leads louis to where the pastry bag and cups of coffee are placed on the kitchen table. louis' face breaks out into a wide grin as he recognizes the logo on the bag, a smile that reaches all the way to his eyes. there is little harry loves to see more than this pure joy in his husband, and he loves being the reason for that happiness even more. 

"thank you, love," louis exclaims, turning to pull harry into a kiss. 

"anything for you," harry mumbles against his lips. "love you."

louis smiles. "i love you, too."

harry pulls out a chair for louis and then sits down next to him. their legs tangle together underneath the table. harry passes out the pastries and hands louis his coffee, and they begin to eat. 

"i listened to the album again during my run," harry tells him. 

louis nods, understanding harry's little ritual. harry has been doing it for a long time and louis knows how much it brings him peace of mind. "yeah? what did you think? still approve?"

harry nods. "still approve. you know which ones were my favorite?" he asks with a smirk.

louis raises an eyebrow. "which ones were your favorite?"

"the ones that you wrote!" harry exclaims, happily. 

"yeah, yeah, you're biased."

harry gasps, pretending to be offended by louis' accusation. "how could you?its scientific fact. you can't argue with that."

louis rolls his eyes at harry and takes another bite of his pastry. 

"im serious, though. i'm proud of us. this is a good one to say goodbye to the fans," harry says, his cheeky tone completely changed now. 

"i don't want to say goodbye for too long. the fans deserve better than that," louis irriterates a point he has made several times before. 

"we'd be stupid to not come back. the band has something special. we have to do it again," harry agrees. 

"making music won't be the same without you and the others," louis says, thoughtfully. "i do think it would be interesting to write some new stuff that i wouldn't be able to for the band."

"i can't wait to openly sing about how in love i am with my beautiful husband."

"you're a sap," louis teases. 

harry scoffs. "you're just jealous that my husband is the best in the world."

"no way," louis shakes his head. "my husband wakes me up with a strip tease and delicious breakfast. beat that."

"mine deserves to be spoiled and taken care of sometimes because he always does it for me," harry responds. 

louis grabs onto harry's free hand and squeezes it. "i love you."

harry smiles at him and leans over to kiss his cheek. "love you, too, sunflower. did you have any plans for today?"

louis shakes his head. "besides some hot sex with my husband? no, nothing."

"we can take care of that later," harry says with a smirk. "movie day?" he suggests. 

"sounds perfect," louis agrees, happily. 

harry downs the last sip of his coffee and gets up. louis has already finished eating. "i need to have a quick shower. then we can start."

"great. i'll go have a cigarette while you're doing that and i'll get everything set up."

"okay. see you in a few minutes," harry kisses louis cheek and makes his way out of the room. 

"think of me!" louis calls out behind him. 

"i will!" 

once harry leaves, louis gets up to put the pastry bags in the bin and recycle the coffee cups. he can't keep the smile off of his face, even with harry gone. breakfast is far from the most extravagant or romantic thing harry has ever done, but it's such a simple gesture that means so much to louis. he really is the luckiest man in the world. 

louis steps out onto the balcony to light his cigarette and stands there, watching over the city for the few minutes it takes for his cigarette to burn out. the morning air is cold, but louis doesn't care. this has been a good day so far. it seems like there haven't been enough good days recently, but because of harry, this one is a good day. 

once the cigarette is out, louis heads back inside to prepare for the movie. he grabs a bag of crisps from the cabinet and a couple of beers from the fridge and takes them over to the sofa. harry might decide it's too early for a beer, but louis would have no problem drinking both of them. he grabs the fluffiest blanket they have out of their blanket basket and lays it out over the sofa. 

he lays down and cuddles himself into the blanket, waiting for harry to get out of the shower. it's only a few more minutes before harry is joining him. he shuffles under the blanket and allows louis to cuddle into his side. 

harry turns on the tv and they scroll through netflix until they decide on something to watch. 

for the first half of the movie, they sip their beers and pick at the crisps. harry watches along with the movie intently, while louis doesn't pay too much attention. he is too comfortable and relaxed to care much about the film on the screen. he eventually even falls asleep in harry's arms. 

when louis wakes, he has his head on harry's chest just as the credits start rolling. he lets out a yawn and sits up, slightly dazed from his nap. harry brushes the hair out of his eyes and gives him a quick kiss on his forehead, humming along to the end credits song as louis finishes waking up. 

"i think i'm going to make some cookies. want to join?" harry suggests once the credits conclude, starting to get up from the sofa. 

a mischievous look appears on louis' face as he quickly nods in affirmation. they head back to the kitchen and louis takes a seat on one of the stools. this is how he usually helps in the kitchen. he is a great supervisor. 

louis watches as harry makes his way to the vinyl player and sorts through a few records. soon enough, fleetwood mac is playing out through the speakers. 

harry dances and sings along loudly as he pulls the ingredients out of the cabinet. louis sings along quietly as well, but mostly spends his time in awe at his husband. he doesn't understand how one can be so perfect while carelessly dancing and baking.

they don't say much as harry measures out the ingredients. he knows the recipe by heart. he works without even having to think about it. 

eventually, he steps away from the counter where he was working and pulls louis to his feet. harry sings louder and forces louis to dance along with him. of course, louis complies, but not without giggling over how terrible they both are at dancing.

they stumble around the kitchen, trying to not be too destructive as harry twirls louis. 

harry tries to dip louis, but loses his balance as louis falls back. in a desperate attempt to not fall, louis sticks his hand out to grab onto the counter, which happens to knock the bag of flour over, making it spill out in a puff. as it settles, it coats all of the surfaces, including louis and harry's hair. 

laughing, louis ruffles harry's hair, making the flour fly everywhere again. he then sticks his hand in the flour spilled on the counter and touches harry's face, leaving a handprint behind. 

"hmm, cute," he decides, admiring his hard work. 

harry scowls at him. "you should know better than to mess up my hair," he whines, just before taking a handful of the flour to throw right back at louis.

louis throws his hands up to try to block himself from the flour, but it doesn't do much. he gets covered anyway. he retaliates by throwing even more flour at harry and then pulling him into a deep kiss. 

they are there, kissing while standing in the middle of their kitchen, covered in flour. it would be such a strange sight to any outsider, but to harry and louis, things could not get more perfect than that moment.


	34. Chapter 34

december 24, 2015. england. 

on the morning of louis' twenty-fourth birthday, harry wakes him early with an exceptional blowjob. they have to leave to go to doncaster soon to visit louis' family, so harry needed to give him his birthday sex early. this means that they had a very long night the day before, but harry still wanted to give louis a little bit more on his actual birthday. harry is fully aware that he is louis' favorite gift to unwrap, and he can't say he loves it any less. 

at this point, louis would be one hundred percent okay with staying in bed with harry all day. he would be more than happy to oblige to the two of them entertaining each other in bed for as long as they can go. he feels so much bliss right now, he doesn't want to ever get up. they can't stay in bed forever, though. they are supposed to arrive in donny in just a few hours, so they really need to get going soon. 

ever since the couple got married and their families became one big family, they have all spent the holidays in doncaster together. louis' family is by far the largest, so it is easiest for everyone else to meet up there. they arrive on louis' birthday and get to spend the rest of the day with each other. harry and louis spend the night in louis' old bedroom, while gemma, anne, and robin stay in a nearby hotel. they then get to all spend christmas day together, before parting ways and heading back home on boxing day. 

it's their favorite tradition. their whole family doesn't get to meet up often, and the holidays are the best time of the year. the kids get so excited, and it is always when the band is on a short break from touring and dealing with management, so they are under so much less stress than usual.

it's a rare occasion away from the public eye and management where they can just be themselves. they have no image they have to uphold in front of their families, and there, they are loved even though they are together. 

they never have to worry about facing judgement while around liam or niall, and zayn when he was still in the band, but besides them, they have to hide from most people. being in such a large group of people who love them is always a nice thing to be around. 

eventually, louis and harry drag themselves out of bed and get ready for the day. they already have their bags packed with everything they're going to need while in doncaster, so that saves them some time. 

harry rushes a little bit extra to get downstairs so he can make a birthday breakfast for his husband. he strongly believes that you cannot go wrong with pancakes and a nice kettle of tea. he made sure to get up a little earlier than necessary so he would have time to prepare a nice meal for his husband to start his day. 

while harry cooks, louis steps outside to smoke his morning cigarette. he has gotten in the bad habit of going out to smoke before grabbing a coat, so he has to deal with the cold bitterness of the december air with nothing to keep him warm. he has a jumper on, as the kids all love his fun christmas jumpers when he sees them, but that definitely isn't good enough protection from the cold. usually, louis just ends up using this as an excuse for extra cuddles from harry once he gets back inside. 

once his cigarette is burnt out, louis heads back in. harry is just getting off the phone with someone while in the process of flipping a pancake. louis walks behind him and slides his cold hands under his shirt, making him jump and nearly drop the pancake. 

"stop that," harry groans, pushing louis' hands away. 

"but my hands are cold," louis says with a giggle. "let me warm them up."

harry places down the spatula and turns around, grasping louis' hands in his. he brings them up to his lips to place a kiss on his icy fingertips. "i'm not the one who makes you go out without a coat on. you're lucky you haven't gotten sick yet."

"yeah, yeah, whatever. i'll have you to take care of me if i do," louis rolls his eyes and stands on his toes to kiss harry's lips. "who was on the phone?" he asks, curiously. 

"just gemma," harry replies. "she's looking forward to seeing you."

"yeah, she better be. i'm a pleasure to be around."

"of course you are, sunflower," harry agrees. he turns back to the grill to flip another pancake before it burns. 

harry flips another pancake onto the plate filled with the pancakes that are already finished, and with the plate in one hand and louis' hand in the other, he walks them over to the table. he pulls out the chair for louis like the true gentleman that he is. he brings over the steaming kettle that was busy brewing louis' favorite yorkshire tea, and pours a cup for him. he then brings over a bottle of maple syrup to the table. 

"you should start to eat before the pancakes get cold," harry instructs. 

"what about you, though?" louis asks, so grateful that harry is doing this for him, but not wanting his husband to be stuck with cold pancakes. 

harry shakes his head. "i have to make sure they don't burn," he says, acknowledging the griddle that is still on. 

"please sit with me? you can get up when you need to flip them," louis begs, showing harry the eyes he knows harry can't say no to. 

sighing in defeat, harry sits down in the chair next to louis and helps himself to a couple of the fresh pancakes. 

harry hates sounding too cocky or boastful, but he can make some damn good pancakes and his cooking skills are something louis takes advantage of often. most of the time when they are home, harry cooks, so this is nothing unusual, but it still is something nice for him to do for louis on his birthday. 

once the pancakes are all eaten, they pack everything into their car and start their journey to donny. louis drives while harry messes with the radio and points out any interesting landmarks he notices as they drive by. honestly, driving with harry is like driving with a child. although, doris and ernest might be less distracting. 

the drive doesn't last too long. soon enough, they are walking in the front door of louis' childhood home and being greeted by a tight, welcoming hug from jay. 

harry's family have already arrived and settled in. gemma is busy playing with doris and ernest, so the twins hardly notice when their big brother walks in. louis' other siblings race to get the first hug from him, excitedly wishing him happy birthday. 

they all eat a quick lunch while catching up, before jay announces that it is time for louis to get his birthday presents with a wide smile on her face. there was a unanimous decision that harry's gift for him should go first. 

"happy birthday, darling," harry says while leading louis over to a large box, grinning ear to ear. 

louis' younger siblings all gather around, curiously. jay and dan stand back, as well as harry's family. harry has already told them what the gift is, so they are just looking forward to seeing louis' reaction. 

louis reluctantly lets go of harry's hand to take the lid off of the box. he doesn't know exactly what he was expecting, but he certainly was not expecting the tiny black puppy that started jumping at him. 

"what the hell?" he exclaims, dropping to his knees to gather the puppy into his arms, bubbling with joy. he laughs as the puppy licks his face and tries to climb all over him. 

harry steps back to stand next to jay. she reaches out and takes his hand, giving it a squeeze. she is so thankful to see the happiness on louis' face and is so glad that harry is able to provide that. usually, jay would have to tell louis off for swearing in front of the kids, but right now, she doesn't even care. all that matters is the smile he is wearing right now. 

the kids all coo at the adorable puppy, and as soon as he turns his attention away from louis, he is bounding over towards them, wanting the attention from the six pairs of hands that belong to all of louis' siblings. 

eyes filled with tears of happiness, louis turns towards harry. he stands up and jumps into harry's arms. harry catches him and grips his thighs, keeping louis' legs wrapped around his waist. louis wraps his arms around the back of harry's neck and starts covering his face with kisses. "thank you, thank you," he repeats.

"i planned everything out already. i know that you prefer to be in england when we're off, so you'll be able to have him then, and when we're away working, your family, gemma, and eleanor have all agreed to watch him," harry explains in a hurry, wanting louis to be confident that this would work. he put a lot of thought into it. he didn't want to adopt the puppy and then have to bring him back because he didn't plan for their bizarre lives. 

"it'll be perfect. thank you," louis promises, kissing harry one last time before letting go and sitting on the floor. the small puppy bounds over to him and climbs into his arms, making louis fall even more in love.

harry sits next to him, stretching out his long legs, allowing the puppy to climb over to him. "now, you'll have someone to keep you company when i'm away."

louis leans over to kiss harry's jaw. usually he would make a joke about not needing harry anymore because he now has a dog, but he can't do that today. he is too emotional and in love to say anything else. 

louis strokes the puppy's soft fur, loving how quickly he started trusting him. he knows that it sometimes takes dogs a little while to get close to new owners, so it makes him feel good that the puppy already seems to like him. 

"have you thought of a name?" harry asks, watching louis interact with the puppy. to him, there is nothing more precious than the sight of the pure joy louis has on his face right now. 

"maybe clifford," louis suggests. "that way he can grow big and strong from all of the love we will give him."

harry chuckles and nods his head. "i think clifford suits him well."

"where did you find him?"

"i went to a few shelters around london. when i saw him i knew you would fall in love with him. i met up with gemma and we went shopping for food and beds and toys and everything for him together and then she took him home so i could surprise you," harry explains. 

louis turns to where gemma is sitting on the sofa with a wide smile on her face. "thank you so much, gemma."

"you're lucky i love you, lou. if harry asked me to do this for anyone else i probably would have refused," gemma jokes. 

louis makes himself a mental note to give her a big hug once the puppy gets off his lap and he's able to stand up. she deserves it. he is so thankful for her and everything she has done. louis has always been the oldest and has spent his whole life taking care of his younger siblings. gemma is the closest thing he has to an older sibling, and he loves the little things she does to take care of him. 

after louis opens his gifts from the rest of their families, he and harry take clifford out on a walk. louis' younger siblings had wanted to join them, but jay convinced them to stay home so the couple could have some time alone for the first time with their new family member. they promised to bring the kids along with them tomorrow, though. 

not much happens in doncaster, so louis and harry don't worry too much about being seen together. they both have on coats, hats, and sunglasses, so it is unlikely that they will even be recognized. hand in hand, they walk around the small neighborhood with louis holding onto clifford's leash. 

although he is not trained yet, clifford is thankfully quite small, so louis has no issues getting him to walk correctly. the puppy is so curious, sniffing every crack in the sidewalk and every pile of snow alongside the road. to louis, his innocent curiosity is the cutest thing in the world. 

as they walk, louis tells harry little anecdotes about everything they passed. his times playing in the park and feeding the ducks that live near the pond, and pointing out the entrance to the woods where he used to spend every day after school in a treehouse he built with his friends. 

harry takes in every word louis says. he has been to donny many times now, but he and louis have never walked around alone like this. louis is unlocking another piece of his childhood to share with harry, which only makes him love louis more. 

they don't go too far on their walk. it is quite cold outside, and clifford is only a baby and his legs are small, so he gets tired easily. harry thinks of clifford as being a parallel to louis with that, but he doesn't dare to say so out loud. 

back at home, jay is just finishing making dinner when louis and harry arrive. they all eat together and then spend some more time with one another, before the youngest twins have to go to bed. it is getting late, so anne, robin, and gemma head to their hotel to prepare to get up early the next morning for all of the kids who are going to be so excited for christmas. 

somehow after louis and harry have crashed and are cuddling in bed, exhausted from the day, clifford climbs out of his bed and jumps onto the bed with his new people. he lays between their legs, which both louis and harry find to be the sweetest thing in the world. louis can definitely get used to this. 

"i got him for you because i thought that would be our next step in having a family together," harry speaks up after feeling clifford jump up. "neither of us are ready for kids yet, i think we both know that," he pauses for a moment until he feels louis nod in agreement. "now we have someone we can raise together that is going to be a lot better than a child for us right now."

"this means the world to me, harry. thank you," louis grips onto harry just a little bit tighter. 

"i love you. happy birthday, sunflower."


	35. Chapter 35

january 8, 2016. england.

louis has himself curled up in bed, underneath piles of blankets. he is completely submerged so that if someone walked in, they probably wouldn't even notice he was there. that's how louis wants it. he doesn't want to have to face anything today. 

harry isn't home right now. he is out doing some shopping or something, louis isn't really sure. harry had offered for louis to go with him, but today is one of those days where the last thing louis wants to do is move. he has virtually no energy, even though he has been drifting in and out of sleep all day. facing the world is too much for him right now, so he planned to avoid everything except the warm confines of his bed. 

sometimes he has these days where everything just becomes way too difficult for him to deal with for a while. his emotions just weigh down so heavily that sometimes, he struggles to breathe. the thing he needs more than anything is a cigarette, or a joint, or even just a drink, but he can't even do that. getting out of bed is too hard, even if it is for something that will help take the edge off a little. all he wants to do is sleep and wait for this to pass. 

sadly, his plans were interrupted by a phone call from modest! management, informing him that he was expected to fly to california soon. briana is expected to go into labor within the next couple of weeks, and the media would have too many things to say if louis wasn't there for the birth of his first child, even though the stunt with briana and louis is over. 

apparently, management didn't like briana's public image, so they were quick to stage a breakup and have louis start dating danielle campbell. louis hates the image that they are painting with him. in his personal life, louis can't ever imagine getting someone pregnant, leaving them, and then so soon after, start dating someone new. throughout 2015, louis has been in three different public relationships and having a baby come out of one of them. even if louis wasn't with harry, he could never imagine doing the things that are being pushed onto his public image. 

louis doesn't want to go to california. he wants to stay at home, in london, with harry and clifford. liam is also in london right now, and they had discussed meeting up to write a little. now, that is going to have to be pushed back. louis is going to have to call up gemma or eleanor and ask them to watch over clifford while he's gone. 

he hates the fact that he'll be inconveniencing them. he's supposed to be on a break right now. he should be able to stay home with his husband and puppy, and not have to worry about publicity stunts. he should be able to make his own choices. to stay in london, to tell everyone that the child is not his, to say "fuck you" to management. harry is hopeful, but louis doesn't feel like they're there any closer to their freedom. 

out of seemingly nowhere, louis feels a wetness on his cheeks. he didn't even realize that he has started crying. he can't even recall why. he feels almost a disconnect with his brain and his body. he has no control over his actions or his body's reaction to his damaging thoughts. 

louis' phone buzzes with a new text alert, which brings him to be somewhat alert. the message is from doctor banner, who is checking in and asking when their next appointment will be. they were supposed to have a call later today, but when louis woke up, he cancelled it. he knows that it is probably not smart to cancel a therapy session on a day when he feels particularly shitty, but he can't be bothered right now. he can't bring himself to move, let alone talk to somebody, especially a therapist.

in the long run, talking to doctor banner right now would help. it's his job to deal with situations like this. louis recognizes this, but that is too hard for him to do right now. he can't listen to the logical side of his brain because he is way too emotionally drained right now. 

louis closes his phone without responding to the message. he'll reply later today. maybe tomorrow. whenever he feels up to it, whenever that might be. 

with his phone back on the bedside table, louis pulls his pile of blankets back up to his chin and nestles into them. if he is going to be too sad to move, at least he can be comfortable. 

louis doesn't fall asleep again, but he is not totally awake either. he is in some sort of in-between state where he isn't conscious enough to control his actions, but he knows his mind is racing. unable to get himself out of this state, he hides farther under his blankets, hoping everything will just go away. 

when harry arrives home, he walks in expecting louis to be on the couch watching footie, or out on the balcony with a cigarette in hand, but he is surprised to find that louis is nowhere to be found. the house seems completely untouched from when harry left that morning. no coffee cup in the sink, no tea kettle on the stove, nothing. clifford is on the couch napping by himself. usually, louis would be next to him. 

he knows that louis is awake. he had gotten a good morning kiss and even had a short conversation with louis about going to the shops just a few hours ago. even on louis' lazy days, he usually is up fumbling around the kitchen or sprawled out on the couch. it's weird that he isn't up. 

cautiously, harry makes his way to their bedroom where he knows louis must be, knocking lightly to avoid startling louis when he enters. at first look, harry is unsure that louis is still in the room. he is so deeply buried in bed, that harry almost misses him. the only thing that gives louis away is the subtle rise and fall of the mound on the bed coinciding with his breathing. 

harry approaches the bed quietly, not wanting to wake louis if he is asleep. if he fell ill, harry wouldn't want to disrupt his important resting. once he can see past the pile of blankets, he notices that louis is awake, but not looking well. his eyes are open, but his face is damp, and he looks completely drained. 

one he sees the state that his husband is in, harry hurries over. he sits on the edge of the bed where louis is just inches away and places a hand on his forehead. "what's wrong, sunflower?" he asks, worried. "are you ill? are you okay?"

louis gives a small nod. "fine," he mutters. he sounds very drowsy and tired, like is hard for him to say the one, short word.

"you don't feel warm. have you eaten? did you sleep okay?" harry can't stop his motherly side from coming out. his lover is unwell. he has to take care of him.

"i'm okay, harry," louis whispers. he takes hold of one corner of his blanket and holds it up, signaling that he wants harry to lay down with him. 

harry kicks off his shoes and climbs into the bed next to louis. he shifts so that his body is up against louis and he can wrap his arms around his small husband. louis quickly settles into his arms. harry can tell that louis is not in the mood to speak right now, so he settles on just laying here for a while. they have no set plans for the day, so there's nothing wrong with them spending some extra time in bed together.

louis ends up falling asleep, curled up at harry's side. by the time he wakes up again, he is feeling a bit better. still not great, but now, he feels okay enough to stand up for the first time today.

harry is still awake. he hasn't moved from his spot on the bed, but he has been too worried about louis to sleep. clifford ended up joining them on the bed, so harry pet him for a while as he waited for louis to wake up. 

once he feels louis start stirring, harry tightens his grip on him. when he opens his eyes, louis looks up and gives harry a small smile. "morning, love," he whispers. 

"it's not morning, it's actually 3 pm, but whatever you say, darling," harry replies. 

at the sound of their voices, clifford jumps up and starts licking louis' face. the innocent little puppy just wants attention from the two men he has grown to love so much in just a couple of weeks. he has so easily adapted to being a part of their family. some day, they'll have kids, but right now, clifford is all they need. 

"how are you feeling, lou?" harry asks, gently. "are you feeling any better?"

louis nods. "yeah, a bit. i think i was just tired."

"have you eaten anything yet?" 

louis shakes his head, "no," which causes harry to shuffle out of bed. 

"i'll go make you something to eat," he says. "are you up to coming downstairs?"

louis nods, and harry exits the room to start making louis his extremely late breakfast. 

louis rolls onto his back with a huff. he is definitely feeling a lot more alive and functional than he was a few hours ago, but he still has absolutely no desire to get out of bed. he knows getting up and doing something to take care of himself would probably help some, but that doesn't mean he wants to do it. he also knows that if he spent much longer in bed, harry would get worried, and then he would ask questions that louis is not prepared to give the answers to. 

from downstairs in the kitchen, louis can hear the clanging of pots and the sizzling of butter in the pan. hearing the noise, clifford jumps out of bed and races towards the kitchen. he has high hopes that harry will drop something for him to snack on. 

a few minutes after clifford leaves, louis finally finds the will to get out of bed. he wobbles a little on his feet, his legs definitely has become too used to laying down and not having to support anything. 

louis pulls a blanket off the bed and wraps it around his shoulders. it drags on the ground behind him as he walks. in the kitchen, harry is preparing some eggs and toast, a good meal for if louis is feeling ill. 

once the eggs are done cooking, he brings the plate over to the table where louis is sitting with his feet up on the chair, his head resting on his knees. harry doesn't know what is wrong, but he knows that if everything was okay, louis wouldn't be acting like this. 

"we have to go to california soon. or, well, i do. you don't have to come if you don't want. briana is due in a couple of weeks," louis tells his husband as he stabs at his eggs with his fork. he speaks softly and without making any eye contact. 

harry lets out a groan. "i can't believe they're going through with this. we'll be done with them soon. why would they bother at this point?"

louis shrugs. "they're going to release a fake birth certificate."

"that's so pathetic," harry grumbles. "it's so unrealistic. no one just published birth certificates for everyone to see. that's insane. no real pregnancy would be this open. don't they realize they're just making things worse for themselves?"

louis shrugs again, choosing not to say anything. instead, he takes a bite of his toast. a piece of the crust breaks off as he bites down, which louis sneaks to clifford, who is begging under the table. 

harry notices this sneaky move, of course, but only chose to acknowledge it with a roll of his eyes. "what are we going to do with cliff?"

louis glances up. "you're going to come with me?"

harry gets a confused look on his face. "of course i am. why wouldn't i? do you not want me to go?" louis hates how hurt harry looks at the thought. 

"no, no, of course not. i just didn't expect you to want to go somewhere where i was going to have to fake being excited for the birth of my fake son," louis explains quickly, trying to get the thought that louis wouldn't want him with him out of harry's head. 

thankfully, harry lets the subject drop, and instead asks if louis has called anyone yet. as much as they would like to, they can't bring their lovable little puppy across country borders. clifford is so young, so he hasn't been fully vaccinated yet, and it is a long and complex process to transfer pets between countries. 

if something came up and they would have to be somewhere else, such as america, for an extended period of time, they both agreed that they would find a way to bring clifford with them, but for just a few weeks in america, it sadly makes the most sense to leave clifford in england. 

"i'll call eleanor tomorrow," louis promises, knowing how much eleanor already loves the little pup after just one meeting. about a week ago, she came over for drinks and to meet clifford. she has known that harry was going to get him for louis for weeks, and could not wait to officially meet him. they instantly got on really well. 

"sounds good. if she's not available, i'll call gemma. i don't think she has any plans to travel within the next few weeks."

louis takes the last bite of his toast. he pushes the plate back slightly, not wanting to get up to put it in the dishwasher yet. 

"are you sure you're okay, louis?" harry asks, reaching out to put his hand on top of louis'. 

louis nods. "everything is fine. please don't worry."

the two end up migrating from the kitchen to the sofa, where harry turns the news on for a bit of background noise. louis doesn't pay any attention to it. he just can't wait for this day to be over and to start feeling more alive again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi everyone! it's been a while. i have unfortunately had no time to write lately. most days, i'm up studying until after midnight, and all of my free time is spent doing things for my team. it is also nearing midnight right now and there is a group of people outside my window playing music very loudly. how amazing. 
> 
> i can't promise that i'll be any better about updating. it'll probably keep getting worse from here. i do still want to keep writing this, though. i am enjoying writing and have some plans on where i want this to go. it just will probably take a while to get there. thanks for still reading.


	36. Chapter 36

january 21, 2016. california. 

louis sits in the hospital waiting room alongside an official for modest!. they are in a private section of the hospital, where they will not get bombarded by paparazzi, so that briana will be able to give birth in peace. today is finally the day. in just a few hours when the photos are finally posted louis will finally start to be seen as a father to the public. this is the day that louis has been dreading for so many months, and so far, it is just as bad as he was expecting it to be. 

he and harry have been in california for about a week. they knew briana was very close to her due date, but of course, you never know when someone is going to go into labor until it happens. louis hated having to leave clifford in england, even though eleanor was ecstatic to get to spend time with him. he feels like he is stuck abandoning his puppy, and he hates it. clifford can’t understand why he had to leave and he doesn’t want to break the poor dog’s trust so soon. 

nearly eight hours ago, louis was woken, phone ringing with the call that informed him that briana was going into labor. he was told he has to be at the hospital as soon as possible and that he had to come alone. it goes without saying that harry would not be allowed to join him. the man who they are trying to erase all rumors of a relationship with going with louis for the birth of his child. how would that look to the public?

thankfully, this hospital is secluded enough that louis can stay outside while briana gives birth. if there were press around, they would probably question why he isn't in the room where his first child is being born. instead, briana's boyfriend is in with her and louis can stay outside until it's time to take photos.

as he sits, waiting, louis can not fathom how far this has gone. rumors are one thing. something as extreme as faking a child is on a whole other level. 

this kid doesn't deserve the life they are being born into. did anyone ever think about how this would affect them? everyone thinking their father is some celebrity who is never around. louis hates this role that has already been handed to this child. what type of person creates such a huge conspiracy, that they thrust such an innocent being into a world like this?

when louis actually has kids, he has decided that he he is going to be the best dad in the world. he and harry will be an unstoppable force that will make sure their child will never forget how loved they are. louis has a lot of experience with kids and he loves them a lot. he is probably as prepared as anyone is to become a father. he knows how to care for them and how to keep them happy. he will do anything he can to keep the child full of love and joy. he will protect them from the cruel world and teach them that who they are is perfect and they never have to change for anyone. 

even though this kid is not actually his, the media is going to think he's a terrible dad. he's going to rarely be around the kid and is never going to have that close relationship with this child that he would if they were his. everyone knows that he and briana are not publicly together anymore, but that doesn't mean it's okay for louis to hardly acknowledge that this child exists. he is going to be viewed as this terrible, absent, neglectful father, a label he would never want placed on himself. that couldn't be farther from the truth, but of course, the public can never know that. 

after hours and hours of waiting, a nurse finally steps out of briana's room with a bright smile on her face. "i think you will both be happy to hear that ms. jungwirth has given birth to a healthy and beautiful little boy!" she exclaims. 

all of the dread that has been building up in louis' gut all morning suddenly hits him like a train. this is it. management has actually done this. 

the official from management jumps to her feet. "excellent. can we go in for our photos now?" she clearly wants to get out of the hospital as quickly as possible. of course she doesn't care about the child, or any of their personal lives. all she cares about is the hefty paycheck she will be receiving. 

the nurse nods and pushes the door open, allowing them to follow her inside. 

louis catches the very obvious glare from briana's boyfriend from her bedside. he clearly doesn't like seeing this happen to his child. louis can't blame him. if the roles were reversed, he would hate it too. he knows he would be incredibly jealous if someone else was pretending that his and harry's child wasn't his. but, this isn't louis' fault. louis isn't the person that he should be angry with. this is all on modest! for creating the plan and briana for agreeing on it. 

stopping in the open doorway, before fully entering the room, louis takes in the scene in front of him, the nurses gathered around briana's bed, and the tiny child in her arms. in any other situation, this would be such a beautiful image. a mother with her gorgeous newborn baby. 

"go on, mr. tomlinson. we need to take pictures," the woman from management slightly nudges louis forward from where he stopped in the doorway, ignoring the way he flinches away from her touch. 

louis hesitates for another moment before stepping into the room. he pretends to not notice the glare that briana is sending him. she is being childish and louis can't be bothered to deal with it right now. all he wants is to get this over with so he can go home and let the child be with his actual parents.

"did you pick a name?" louis asks, his voice cracking a little. he is still trying to be somewhat civil to briana. 

"freddie," she answers. 

louis steps closer to the bed to get a better look at the child in briana's arms. he is a beautiful child. briana and her boyfriend are very lucky to have him. louis just can't help but feel a little bit spiteful that this baby who he has no relationship to is going to be viewed as his. the entire world believing something makes it kind of hard to ignore. 

"okay, so first we want to get a picture of the two of you with him," the woman from modest! instructs. "mr. tomlinson, lean over on the bed next to them and look like you're happy to be here."

louis can barely hold back an eye roll as he leans in next to briana and freddie. he smiles down at freddie, showing genuine happiness over the newborn. even though this entire situation is shit, louis loves babies, no matter whose they are, and freddie is not an exception. 

a few photos are snapped before they are told they can move. 

the woman from management points at the chair sitting next to the window. "take your shirt off and then sit down. we are going to take a few of those shirtless pictures that fathers take with their newborns," she demands. 

louis feels his heart drop and panic takes over him within a second. "no, no way i'm doing that," he blurts out so quickly, it was almost like a reflex. he can't get shirtless in front of these people, especially for photos. if there is anyone who cannot find out about his habit, it is these people. 

"oh, yeah?" she raises her eyebrow, like she is daring him to defy her. "and tell me, why not?"

louis brain rushes to find any excuse that will work. obviously, he can't tell them that it is because he is covered in scars. that is not an option. he doesn't even know what would happen if management found out. something like taking a shirtless photo shouldn't be a big deal. how is he supposed to convince them that he shouldn't do it?

"i can't. i can't do that," louis pauses to take a deep breath to compose himself. he's never going to get his way unless he is logical about this. he needs to calm down. "that's supposed to be a bonding thing with the kid and their parents, right?" he points out, hoping this will be good enough to sway their decision. "i don't want to do something that could confuse him or have him get attached to the wrong person or something. i'm not his actual dad. i think it would be wrong of me to do something like that." louis doesn't know how accurate this is, but he doesn't care. he is just praying to any higher being there may be that this will work. 

"i agree," briana's boyfriend speaks out from his chair across the room. he has been pretty quiet since louis walked in. "freddie is my son. not louis'."

louis glances over at him, mentally thanking him over and over. he will never be able to know how grateful louis is from those few words. 

the official from management looks back and forth between the two men. she is very clearly contemplating what to do. she sighs dramatically, and gives them a small nod. "fine. we can photoshop the pictures later. you, sit down with the boy. we'll photoshop you into mr. tomlinson later."

briana's boyfriend quickly complies to the request, glad that louis won't be getting too close to his son. briana is very well aware that he is not happy with this situation and gets jealous quite easily. he is thankful for the money they will be making, but he is still somewhat resentful that briana made this decision to begin with. he was never too keen on this plan. briana didn't seem to care much, though. he would rather struggle a bit for money than to put his son into such a shitty situation like this. unfortunately, no one asked him. 

luckily, the pictures don't take too long. it is less than an hour later when one of the photos is posted to his social media, confirming the birth of the child. louis doesn't bother to look at the response from the fans. he honestly doesn't want to know what people are saying right now. 

after way too long, louis is finally permitted to return home. security escorted him out of the back doors of the hospital, where there is a very small chance he would be seen and recognized. it would look quite bad if louis was photographed bailing just hours after his son was born. 

once louis finally gets home after possibly the longest day of his life, he feels way too drained to do anything. it is late and he is exhausted. there is a piece of him that wants nothing more than to cuddle up with his husband, wanting some comfort to ease the pain of this horrible day. the other part of him just wants to get high he can’t remember anything and be left alone for the rest of the night. 

when he walks in the door, harry is elsewhere in the house, so louis heads into the kitchen, where he stores his joints. he grabs a few of them, not knowing how many he is going to need before he will feel alright again. 

a couple minutes later, harry heads downstairs from their bedroom. he knows louis is home, he heard the door open and louis shuffling around downstairs. harry was busy writing, so he wanted to finish jotting down his final thoughts before heading downstairs to meet his husband. he is in the process of writing louis another song, and he wants it to be absolutely perfect. louis deserves nothing but the best. 

a minute later when he leaves their room to go find louis, he realizes that he is slightly surprised that louis didn't say anything to him when he arrived at home. he was expecting louis to want to be with him, and to immediately come find him, but apparently not. harry assumes that he will find louis with a either drink or cigarette in hand instead.

when spotting that louis is not in the kitchen with a drink, he heads to the balcony, where he sees louis sitting there, smoking. harry sighs sadly at the sight of his husband shivering from the cold and with tear tracks flowing down his cheeks. 

before heading out to sit with him, harry grabs a fluffy blanket off of the couch. it's the least he can do for his suffering husband.

harry slowly opens the door to the balcony so he doesn't startle him, but louis doesn't even acknowledge harry's presence until he feels the weight of the blanket around his shoulders. that is what finally makes louis look over at harry. 

the first thing harry notices are louis' bloodshot eyes, which he knows is not from the weed. louis tries to force out a smile for his husband, but it is clear to harry how broken he is. sighing sadly, harry sits in the chair next to louis. he reaches out and takes his free hand, a small action to comfort him. 

louis doesn't talk. he doesn't feel like he has anything that is worth saying. everything is falling apart right now. nothing could make this better. all he wants is to be free. all he wants is to be accepted and loved for who he is. to be able to be with the man he loves without trying to cover it up. that shouldn’t be too much to ask, but it is. 

he raises the joint up to his lips again and inhales the smoke. he really doesn’t know if things could get any worse than they are right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello everyone. surprise. i'm still alive. i know this chapter isn't the best, and even though it's been like three weeks since i've posted a chapter, this has gone through minimal editing and not great writing because i just don't have time. i have had four exams in the past week plus a lab report and another exam within the next few days, and honestly it's been constant work for weeks. it's hard to find time to write and make something decent. i hope you enjoyed this chapter and don't mind continuing to wait for a while between chapters. thanks for reading.


	37. Chapter 37

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am sorry for what i am about to do to you.
> 
> warning: self-harm and mention of suicide

january 25, 2016. california. 

"mate, you'll be free eventually. they can't keep doing this to you forever," liam tries to reason with louis over the phone. he knows that it has been hell for louis lately. the last three days have consisted of him having to fake happiness over a child that isn't his for dozens and dozens of paparazzi. liam knows how bad it is, but he has to try to steer louis towards some optimism. 

"yeah, but they must have some sort of long term plan. this kid was just born. why go through all of this if it's going to be over so soon, anyway?" louis sighs. 

"it sucks, i know, tommo. please just try to keep your head up, for me?" liam pleads. "this is now your year. you get to make it whatever you want. it's not up to modest! anymore."

"yeah, we'll see."

"i better run. it's getting late here now. go spend some time with mr. lover-boy. tell him i say hi. i'll talk to you tomorrow," he explains. 

louis mentally kicks himself for forgetting the time difference between him and liam right now. he's at home in the uk, while louis still has to be in america because of the baby. "sorry, mate, i shouldn't have called so late. i'll talk to you soon."

"don't worry about it. it's never too late for you," liam promises. 

the two say their goodbyes and louis shoves his phone back into his pocket. he climbs off of the bed and exits the bedroom, on a mission to find harry. 

"just got off the phone with liam. he says hi," louis says, entering the kitchen where harry is busy with putting away some dishes. 

"come here, sunflower," harry requests. louis approaches and harry wraps his arms around him, resting his head on top of louis'. 

"i can't believe we're finally so close to being done with management. our last official thing with them comes out tomorrow. after this video, we'll be free," harry says with a smile. his eyes appear so bright as he talks about the thing he has looked forward to since he and louis first started dating so many years ago. "after we come out, we should go on a vacation. just the two of us. i'll take you somewhere romantic where we can hold hands and kiss whenever we want and not have to worry about what anyone has to say. we can go to our first pride parade and volunteer to help the trevor project. maybe we can do some music together with just us. we'll finally be able to explain our tattoos and tell the fans what happened in wellington. we'll be able to be ourselves for the first time with nothing to hide," harry babbles on, unable to hide his excitement. 

after a couple minutes of harry rambling on about all of his plans for when they finally come out, louis finally has to speak up, not wanting to give harry false hope for any longer. this is a conversation he should have started a long time ago, but has never had the courage. now, they are so close to being free of management, he can't put it off for any longer. 

"harry," he interrupts. 

harry stops talking and looks over towards louis. "yeah? what is it?" he asks, concerned with the solemn look on his husband's face. 

louis sighs and takes a deep breath to prepare himself. "i don't want to come out," he finally admits. 

"what?" harry asks in shock. he takes a step back from louis, not knowing what to do. this has been something he's looked forward to for years. he has been using the thought of finally getting to come out with his husband to get him through the closet and fake girlfriends. he has spent so long fantasizing about how they would come out when they're finally free from modest! and what they would finally be able to do. now all of a sudden, louis is backing out?

"i'm sorry, love. i can't do it. i don't want anyone to know about me," louis tries to explain, breaking the news as gently as he can, but knowing he's still hurting harry just as badly, no matter what he does. 

"we've been talking about this for years, though. i want to be able to just be with you and not have to hide you. are you saying you still want to hide, even when we get to be free?" harry wonders, still not being able to fathom louis' seemingly sudden change of heart. 

louis flinches slightly at the harshness of harry's words. "i've been thinking about it for a while. people hate me so much anyway. i can't give them something else so easy for them to hate me for. i already hate myself enough as it is."

"come on, louis. no one is going to care that much," harry tries to convince him. "we'll go through it together, and it's not like people really care anymore anyways. there will always be some people who will be assholes about it, but most people are supportive now. it'll be fine if we come out. we can do it together."

louis shakes his head. "people care and they're horrible because of it. i don't think i'd be able to handle getting even more shit for being gay. it's bad enough already."

harry raises an eyebrow. "you get just as much shit as i do. i know it sucks, but we'll be going through it together."

"management has been awful to me ever since this band started," louis exclaims, finally confessing to harry. "they have treated me like absolute shit, but i've let them because they leave you alone for the most part. now i'm telling you that i can't come out because i don't think i could deal with any more hate like this!" louis pauses, feeing guilty for raising his voice at harry like this. "i'm sorry i didn't tell you earlier," he says softly. 

"what else have you not told me? i know you and liam are keeping secrets that you refuse to let me in on. i see you sneaking off together all of the time when we're on tour, and you going to call him whenever you're upset. i'm your husband! you're supposed to be talking to me," harry exclaims. "please, i just want to know you."

"yes, there are things i keep from you. things i don't want you to know. but it is only to protect you, i swear. i'm not cheating on you or anything, if that's what you think. i would never do something like that. you know this," louis pleads. 

"i don't need you to constantly be protecting me. i can take care of myself. i don't need you always diving in to get the beard, or taking on management, or hiding things from me," harry blurts out. "i'm not a child, i'm your husband. i am perfectly capable of fighting my own battles. i'm not weak." 

louis' eyes begin to water. "everything i have ever done has been to protect you. i love you so much, i can't stand the thought of you having to suffer through all of that. of course i know you're not weak. i just wouldn't be able able stand by and watch the person i love more than anything else in the world get hurt."

"that should have been a decision we made together. i can make my own choices," harry's voice is cold. usually, he speaks so softly, in a way that warms louis' body. now, all of that comfort is gone and louis can hardly recognize him. 

"fine, i should have spoken to you, and for that, i am sorry, but you have to understand that i do everything for you. i never wanted to hurt you in any way," louis begs. 

"why liam?" harry asks. "why is it that you can't talk to me, but liam gets to know about all of your secrets or whatever the hell is going on with you two. in case you have forgotten, we're the ones who are married. not you and liam."

"because liam was there."

"what is "there"?" harry groans. "you still aren't telling me anything!"

"it was when i tried to kill myself," louis yells. harry falls silent. "he found me after i tried to kill myself. i thought he deserved an explanation. that's why we sometimes go to talk away from everyone else. he's making sure i'm not falling over the edge again," louis' voice drops as he holds back the tears. after so many months, he finally has told harry this secret that has been eating him alive. 

"when was this?" harry stares down at the ground, his voice cracking. 

louis shrugs. "that's why i was actually hospitalized during that break when i went back home to donny."

"why didn't you tell me?" harry questions. "you said you thought liam deserved an explanation. shouldn't i deserve the truth as well?"

"i don't want you to think i'm weak. i didn't want you to know all of the shit that i've been dealing with," louis says. "i've spent the last five years doing every single thing i can to shield you away from this awful world we live in. i took all of this shit so you could be happy and live yourself. you deserved that. i couldn't bring you into it. i didn't want you to know. i want you to be happy."

"so you thought it would be better to lie to me?" harry scoffs. 

"what do you want me to do? just come out and say that i tried to kill myself and i've been cutting myself for years? well, here it is! i was just avoiding telling you these things to protect you. i know they're not things you want to hear," louis tries reasoning. "i never meant to lie to you. i'm sorry i've hid this from you, but it's not an easy thing to talk about. it has nothing to do how much i trust you. is just hard sometimes. i never meant to lie to you."

even with louis attempts to deescalate the situation, harry still looks extremely hurt. "but you did. you know that trust and honesty are the most important things to me, but thats something you clearly don't care about. how long has this been going on?"

"how long has what been going on?"

"you lying to me about coming out? letting me look forward to something that you know isn't going to happen?"

louis sighs and looks away from harry's hard glare. "i decided i didn't want to come out when i was in the hospital," he confesses. "i've been hating myself like this since the up all night tour."

"so almost our entire relationship?" harry gasps in shock. "you've been lying to me since before we even got married? why don't you trust me? i've done everything i can to be a good husband for you. i guess that means   
nothing though. what is marriage if we don't trust each other?"

"harry," louis starts but is cut off. 

"i'm done, louis. i think we need to take a break," harry drops the bomb that louis has dreaded for their entire relationship. 

louis can literally feel his heart momentarily stop beating. "a- a break? what do you mean?" he asks, hoping for anything but the worst. 

"i think we shouldn't be together anymore."

in just those seven words, louis feels his entire world shatter around him. harry is everything to him. harry is his reason to live. the rock that has keep him going through all of his hardest moments is flying away. 

"please, harry," louis falls to his knees, sobbing. he can't even bring himself to look up at the man he loves so much. 

"what is a relationship without trust, louis? clearly, you don't trust me. you lied to me. i can't trust you now," harry says completely monotone. 

"you can't break up with me. we've been through too much together. please," louis pleads, hoping to convince harry to stay. 

"we've been through too much together for you to lie to me!" harry shouts. "you clearly don't need me. if you did, you would have let me help you. just go back to liam. you know, this really sucks. after everything, the one person i thought i would always be with turned out to be someone who i never had. i hate you, louis."

with that, harry walks out of their room, leaving louis sobbing into his hands. he collapses to the ground as a mess of tears and heartbreak. about a minute later, he hears the front door slam shut and louis realizes that for the first time since 2010, he's alone. he and harry have never broken up before. harry hates him. he is alone. 

unable to see past his tears, louis stumbles around the kitchen, grabbing the first bottle of alcohol he could find before heading over to the bathroom, collapsing on the cold ground. he can't stop the sudden sickness that rushes over him and before he knows it, he is vomiting everything he has eaten out into the toilet. he has never cried so hard he has become sick before. this is a new low. 

he opens his drawer and pulls out his razor, wasting no time in pulling off his shirt and trousers, dragging it across his skin. he no longer has to hide his cuts from harry, so he makes the quick decision to start cutting the clean skin on his thighs. why shouldn't he? nothing matters anymore. 

he only makes a few cuts, alternating that with sipping out of the bottle, before starting to panic. he was doing fairly well. liam was proud of him. his mum was proud of him. part of louis feels bad for letting them down, but the other part just doesn't care. this is probably the lowest louis has ever felt, and that includes his overdose. harry hates him. this is the worst thing that has ever happened to him. 

he can't believe that this has happened. harry has left him and the one person who can make him feel  
good enough to not hurt himself is the reason he is doing it. louis takes another sip out of his bottle and wonders what he should do. even though he just made a few cuts, they are bleeding quite a bit, and louis does not want to be alone right now. he is scared of what he will do to himself if he remains alone for much longer. he wraps a towel around his leg and picks up his phone from where he abandoned it on the floor. 

he can’t call liam or his mum. they are so far away in england and they won’t be able to get to him any time soon. the only person he could think of is niall. his flat in california is not too far away, and if not liam, mum, or harry, niall is definitely the person he trusts most.

in his trance, he barely notices himself dialing niall's number. he doesn't even notice right away when niall answers. 

"hey, mate. how's it going?" niall asks when he answers the phone, becoming confused when he doesn't get a response. "tommo? are you there?"

this snaps louis out of his daze. "yeah, hi, niall. can you come over?" he asks, trying to sound normal, but his voice is shaky and words are slurred. 

"yeah, of course, mate. i haven't been up to anything. is harry there?"

at the sound of harry's name, louis fully breaks down. he sobs so hard his entire body shakes. 

niall drops the guitar he's holding and jumps up from his chair, shocked that such a calm phone call so quickly turned into this. "what's wrong, louis? is harry around? are you okay?"

"no, need you. please," louis sobs. he gasps in air, trying to get enough oxygen that seems too hard to take in. 

niall rushes to his front door to grab his keys. "i'm on my way. i'll be there in just a few minutes, okay?"

"i wanna die. i wanna die," louis mutters to himself. 

"what?" niall asks in shock. he doesn't know what is going on right now, but something really bad must have happened. 

"i wanna die. i need to die."

"no, louis, no," niall shakes his head. "you need to stay on the phone until i get to yours. i'm on my way now."

louis doesn't respond, his mind focused on how much he wants to stop living in this moment. all of a sudden, he regrets the fact he called niall. if he didn't call niall, he would have been left alone to finally kill himself. niall would have had no idea. neither would his mum or liam, who would have no way of stopping him. the only one who might have known would be harry, who just walked out and would probably be happy if louis did it. louis isn't someone harry cares about anymore. harry hates him. 

with the towel still pressed to his leg, louis starts to feel a little fuzzy. all of his thoughts become jumbled, no longer being in touch with reality. he hasn't eaten much today and he just drank a lot of alcohol a lot quicker than he should have. maybe he should've taken it a little easier, but he doesn't care right now. 

niall arrives quickly. or, maybe not. louis doesn't really know. he hasn't moved. he is still in the same position, curled up on the bathroom floor. 

niall lets himself in with the key he has, and makes a beeline towards the sound of faint crying. whatever he was expecting was so far from what he found. he has never seen his friend in such a state before, and is slightly taken aback by the sight. 

"holy shit, lou! what happened?" niall exclaims, kneeling down to help louis sit up. he leans him back against the bathtub. 

louis makes no effort to respond, so niall starts working to get him cleaned up. he removes the nearly empty bottle from louis' hand and places it on the counter, where it is out of reach. when he picks up the towel that louis was clinging on to, he definitely was not expecting to see all of the cuts that louis was hiding. he never expected that louis would do something like this to himself. 

niall throws the blood-soaked towel into the laundry basket louis and harry keep in their bathroom, and grabs a different towel to wet and clean the cuts. "louis, what did you do?" he asks in dismay. 

louis doesn't verbally respond. instead, he clings into niall's jacket, holding on to his friends as tightly as he could. 

head dizzy from the alcohol and completely drained from all of the crying, louis ends up falling asleep on niall's shoulder while still on the bathroom floor, leaving his friend shocked by the scene he walked into, having no idea what happened that could break louis so badly.


	38. Chapter 38

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: mentions of self-harm

january 26, 2016. california.

when louis wakes in the morning, he finds himself tucked into his bed, but without the usual warm body by his side. he feels around the bed, trying to absorb any heat left over from harry's body, but there is none. he sits up, slightly confused as to where his husband is, but the dizziness that suddenly hits him quickly brushes all of the confusion aside. 

harry's words from the night before begin to echo in his mind, and the only thing he can see is the look of hurt that was on his face right before he walked out. harry left because harry hates him. louis doesn't blame him, of course. louis hates himself too. he just doesn't know how he's supposed to keep on living without harry by his side. he and harry were together for a long time. louis got used to always having him as a support. he doesn't know how he could possibly be okay after this. 

as he slowly sits the rest of the way up, mindful of his pounding head, louis spots niall. he is sitting in one of the armchairs across the room, looking completely exhausted. it appears as if he hasn't slept at all. louis can't help but feel guilty. he shouldn't have called him. 

niall is starting out the window, with a blank look on his face. he seems to be too focused in his head to notice anything going on outside. louis frowns, knowing this is all his fault. the smile that is usually bright on niall's face is missing, and it is all his fault. 

"ni?" louis' voice cracks as he tries to speak. he hates feeling so weak. 

niall jumps at the sound of louis' voice and hurries over to him. he takes a seat on the edge of the bed and helps steady louis as he tries to sit up. 

"here, i have water for you," niall reaches for the glass he left on louis' bedside table. he had predicted that louis was going to be in rough shape when he woke up, so he did his best to make sure louis would be as comfortable as possible. niall knew he was going to be too stressed to sleep, so he busied himself with wrapping up louis' cuts and getting him water and painkillers to keep his mind from thinking about the awful state he found his friend in. 

niall never could have imagined walking into this situation. louis has always been such a great friend to him and was always such a strong person. it hurts niall to know that louis was suffering so much and he was so clueless about it. he feels like he should have known something was up. it's not like people fall into something like this overnight. this must have been going on for a while, and niall was completely oblivious to it. all he wants is to help his friend as much as he can right now.

louis drinks about half of the glass of water before he puts it back down. "i'm sorry you got stuck here looking after me. i shouldn't have called yesterday. you can go home now if you want," he apologizes, secretly hoping that niall will stay so he doesn't have to be alone, but not wanting to inconvenience niall any more than he already has. 

niall shakes his head. "of course not! i'm not going anywhere right now."

louis holds up the corner of his blanket, signaling for niall to climb under, which he does. he wraps an arm around louis and allows him to curl up next to him. 

niall gives him a minute to settle before bringing up the dreaded topic. "tommo, can you tell me what happened yesterday?" he asks as gently as he can. he doesn't miss the tears that flood to louis' eyes. 

"harry," louis' voice cracks as he tries to speak. his hands begin to shake and he really wishes he hadn't woken up. "he broke up with me," louis admits, like ripping off a bandaid. 

"what?" niall exclaims in shock. "how did that happen? you two are perfect together!"

louis shakes his head in disagreement. "he hates me." louis is full on sobbing at this point, unable to keep it together for any longer. he buries his face into niall's shirt, dampening the material with his tears.

niall carefully rubs louis' back to comfort him. "harry doesn't hate you, louis. i don't think he ever could."

"he told me he hates me," louis argues. 

niall sighs in disappointment. he can't imagine how bad of a fight it must have been for harry to claim he hates louis when it is pretty obvious that the two love each other more than anything in the world. "can you tell me what you were fighting about?"

"i told harry that i didn't want to come out."

"wait, what?" niall asks, surprised. "i thought you two were planning on it once we moved on from modest!"

"i can't," louis admits. "i'm too scared of what people will say and i can't handle anyone else hating me for it. everything with modest! and simon has been too much. i can't do it anymore."

"okay, i can understand that and i can understand why harry would be upset about that, but definitely not enough to break up with you," niall evaluates the situation. "what else happened?"

"i was lying to him. about coming out, about how bad management is, about how much i hate myself," louis gestures to the cuts on his thighs. "i shouldn't have hid everything from him. it's my fault. i lied to him and i broke his trust."

"it'll be okay," niall comforts. "harry loves you. he'll be back. i don't think he will be able to stay away for too long, especially because he knows what you're dealing with now. he worries about you, that's never going to change," he suggests, hopefully. of course, he doesn't know if harry will be back. he hasn't spoken to him. he doesn't know how bad the situation really is, having only heard louis' side of it. he has no idea how harry is feeling. but for both of their sake, niall desperately hopes that harry will be back. 

"i don't think so, ni. i really fucked it up this time. it's my fault. i wouldn't blame him if he never wants to see me again," louis whispers, feeling his heart break just a little more as he finally says it out loud. 

"can you tell me how the whole self-harm thing started?" niall asks. "i've never seen you in a state like last night. it really worried me."

louis shakes his head. "can you talk to liam about it? i don't think i can handle having that conversation right now."

niall nods. "yeah, of course. as long as you're okay with me knowing."

"you already know enough, so what's the point in keeping more from you?" louis shrugs absentmindedly. "he can tell you anything about it. i really don't care anymore."

the two sit in silence for a few more minutes before louis decides to take a shower to wash off all the dried blood and alcohol left over from the night before. he has to promise to leave the door unlocked so niall can worry slightly less about him hurting himself again. niall would have no problem staying in the bathroom with him to make sure nothing bad was going to happen if that's what he had to do. 

after louis heads into the bathroom and niall listens closely to make sure he doesn't hear the click of the lock, he grabs his phone to call liam. after what happened last night, niall started speculating that liam knew something about it. he knows that the two of them were really close and would go off to have private conversations sometimes. liam has been a lot more protective over louis lately as well. it seems as the pieces are coming together to this terrible puzzle that breaks niall's heart. he really should have noticed something was wrong earlier. maybe he could have helped.

when the phone starts ringing, it doesn't take long for liam to answer. he must not have much going on today. 

"nialler! how's it going, mate?" he exclaims, cheerfully. 

"alright, yeah," niall responds. "are you busy? i need to talk to you about something."

"nothing too important. what do you need?"

"it's about louis."

liam hesitates. "what about him? is everything okay?" 

the worry in liam's voice saddens niall. it's clear that he's trying to sound calm, but niall can hear the panic he is trying to cover up. this must be worse than he has expected. "he and harry broke up last night."

he is interrupted by a quiet, "shit," coming from liam's end of the phone. 

"lou called me and asked me to come over. he was in pretty rough shape," niall explains. 

"how rough? where is he now?" liam asks, sounding like a worried mother, his mind going to all the worst places. 

"he's showering now. he called and asked if i could come over, so i didn't think anything of it until he started telling me that he wanted to die and i found him completely wasted and he had cut himself," niall shakes his head, wanting to forget the horrible memory of the night before. "i didn't know what to do. the cuts weren't too bad so i cleaned him up and brought him to bed, and he told me they broke up this morning, and told me to ask you about the self-harm and that you could tell me anything about it. what do i do, liam?"

"fuck, i wish i was there," liam sighs. "thank you for being there with him. he was doing better. this thing with harry must have sent him over the edge."

"is he okay? i had no idea about any of this."

"i found out a while ago. it was pretty bad, but he was doing a little better. this break was supposed to be good for him. he needs to get away from management and be able to be himself and live without the stress for a while. this is all management's fault. they've made him hate himself so much because of what he can't change and i hate that i can't do anything to help  
him. they've been doing this to him for our entire career. he tried to kill himself because of simon months back. i'm so glad he decided to call you instead this time."

"i can't imagine what it's like to go through that. why didn't he tell us? we could have helped him," niall exclaims, trying to wrap his head around everything. 

liam sighs. "he thinks he has to be the strong one who can be the support for everyone else. he doesn't want to feel weak or have anyone else think he's weak because he's struggling."

"but he has to know that we would never judge him, that we will love him no matter what."

"i know, but it's just what his brain tells him," liam explains. 

"what do i do? how do i help him?" niall asks, desperate to figure out how to help his friend. 

"just stay with him, please. it probably wouldn't be good for him to be alone. he should call his mum. she helps him a lot. and he can call me, of course, if he wants," liam offers. "maybe he should come home."

niall is about to respond when he hears the shower shut off. "i have to go, mate. louis is nearly done. thanks for everything."

"of course. please take care of him," liam begs. "i'll try calling harry. i can't imagine he's in very good shape right now either."

"sure. talk soon," niall says, hanging up the phone. 

a few minutes later, louis exits the bathroom, looking physically much better than he did before, but the pain behind his eyes is still so obvious. niall can tell how much louis is hurting right now just through his eyes. 

louis heads back over to the bed, feet dragging along the floor as he walks. he doesn't say anything as he buries himself back under the blankets. 

"do you want me to make you something to eat?" niall asks, softly. "you must be hungry."

louis shakes his head. he doesn't want to move again right now. he can't bring himself to care about eating. that is just fuel for his transport, but there is no point anymore. he can't live without harry. why should he even bother?

"okay, i'll let you off for now, but you have to eat something in a few hours, alright?" niall reasons. 

louis nods in agreement, but stays silent. 

"maybe you should call your mum at some point too, yeah?" niall suggests. 

louis makes no attempt to acknowledge niall's proposition. he knows that niall is probably right, his mum would probably be best for him, but right now, every waking moment is pushing him closer and closer to tearing apart his skin. he feels like his heart has vanished and there is too much pain in his chest right now for him to be okay. 

"can i do anything for you, lou?" niall wonders. 

louis just shakes his head, and niall sighs, understanding that louis just needs some quiet right now. five years of louis' life has just been completely turned around. it's a lot to come to terms with, especially with how close louis and harry were since day one. 

niall adjusts himself so that his arms are around louis, holding him close. in this position, niall can feel louis' body trembling as he sobs, until he finally cries himself back to sleep. 

niall stays awake for a while to make sure that louis isn't going to wake up suddenly, needing him. he waits long enough to make sure louis is going to stay asleep before he finally allows himself to settle. niall didn't sleep at all the previous night, much too worried about louis to get any rest. now, trusting that louis is going to be asleep for a while, niall allows himself to drift off as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> remember when i used to update like twice a week? lol. now we’re down to once a month.  
> thanks for reading.


	39. Chapter 39

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: mention of self-harm

january 30, 2016. california.

"hi, this is harry. so sorry i missed your call. please leave a message and remember to treat people with kindness," harry's slow voice drawls out from the answering machine. 

it seems like louis has heard that a million times in the past few days. countless unanswered calls have been filling up louis' time. he is desperate to hear back from the man he loves, but he is getting nothing. at this point, he knows that harry isn't going to answer, but that's the definition of insanity. doing the same thing over and over, expecting to get a different result. 

"hi, harry," louis' voice shakes a little as he tries to make himself sound normal, like he hasn't been crying for four days straight. like he hasn't nearly lost his voice from the intensity of his sobs that he can't seem to fall asleep without anymore. "please call me back. or at least let me know if you're okay," he begs. "i'm so sorry i hurt you. all i ever wanted was to protect you and for you to be happy. i'm sorry i failed. i'm sorry i wasn't a good enough husband for you. i don't blame you for not wanting to be with me. i wouldn't want to be with me either. but please, you have to understand how much i love you. i doubt you're even listening to these voicemails anymore, if you even listened to them to begin with, but know that i love you more than anything in the world and i would do anything to make things right for you. please come home, harry. i need you here."

letting out a sigh of defeat, louis hangs up the phone. it has now been five days since harry has spoken to him, and louis has been unable to get himself out of bed. this is the longest he has ever gone without speaking to harry. it was almost this long when he was at the hospital, but him and harry were on good terms then. it wasn't like this. harry still loved him then. 

niall has been with louis every day since the breakup. he has barely left, only to make a quick run to the shops and to pick up some things from his own place. he has been doing everything he can to make sure louis is taken care of. left to himself, niall knows he wouldn't be eating or getting out of bed at all. it may be a struggle, but getting a few hundred calories into louis every day is at least something. the only slightly good thing about louis' current state is the fact he doesn't even have enough motivation to get out of bed, so he hasn't been able to make any attempts to get into the bathroom to hurt himself. even if he wanted to, niall hasn't given him a chance. he is almost always with louis and makes sure louis doesn't lock the bathroom door any time he goes in. 

besides his desperate voicemails to harry, louis hasn't spoken at all. sometimes, he will be able to mutter a "thank you" to niall, but that seems to be all louis can bring himself to do. he hasn't even called his mum to tell her what happened yet. there is some small part of him that hopes that if he doesn't tell her, then it won't be true, and he will wake up with his harry beside him. if he doesn't acknowledge it, maybe it won't actually be reality. 

niall took care of the angry calls from management about louis missing some appearances and photos with briana and freddie, somehow convincing them to release more photoshopped photos, rather than forcing louis to go out and get papped. that is something that would not go well in the state louis is currently in. even if he could get louis out of the house, niall knows they would be the least convincing pap photos ever. it's hard enough for louis to look happy enough with these publicity stunts anyway. he would never be able to do it in this situation. 

niall has also kept in contact with liam, who has been doing everything he can to support louis from an ocean away. it is difficult because louis won't talk to him, but between niall and liam, they have been able to keep louis alive. both of them are at a loss about what to do. louis and harry relied on each other a lot. harry was the one thing keeping louis from falling off the deep end, and now he is gone. that is something that no one predicted would ever happen, so they never even fathomed how to deal with that situation. 

besides just ignoring louis, harry also has not been answering niall and liam's attempts to contact him. neither of them have sent the frantic number of messages that louis has, but they have made many unsuccessful attempts to contact the man. they want to hear harry's side of the story to figure out a way to get the couple back together, but they also want to know how harry is and be there to support him. as angry as he might be, harry still loves louis more than anyone, and must also be suffering from a great deal of pain from this breakup. it's not like harry left because he doesn't love louis anymore. he left because he feels betrayed and hurt, so there definitely wasn't a winner in this situation. both louis and harry lost horribly. 

all louis wants is to know how harry is. he feels an overwhelming amount of guilt over everything he did, and he just wants harry to be alright. he doesn't even expect harry to want to get back together with him. as much as he wants that, louis knows that he fucked up and that's probably not going to happen. it breaks his heart, but he understands. dr. banner was right. louis should have opened up to harry when he had the chance. now it's too late and everything is a disaster. 

louis is completely submerged under the blankets when niall enters the room again. he has them all piled over him, with his head underneath his pillow, acting as an extra shield from the world. he hopes that niall will just assume he's asleep and leave him alone. he still doesn't feel ready to do anything yet today. 

he feels niall's weight lean down on the bed and the pillow is slowly pulled away from his face, to not startle louis. louis tries to hide from the light, but niall won't let him. 

"do you want to try to eat something for me, lou?" niall asks, gently. he softly rubs louis' back in an attempt to get him to relax and hopefully oblige to niall's request. 

louis shakes his head without saying anything. what's the point in eating at this point? what's the point in anything if harry is gone?

niall sighs. "come on, lou. just a little bit. or maybe just drink some tea? i can get you whatever you want."

"tea," louis whispers, finally giving in to niall. 

niall hurries off to make the tea. he also gathers a few biscuits from the cupboard while he waits for the kettle to boil. louis has always been a true englishman. if anything is going to get him to eat, it'll be tea and biscuits. 

when he gets back to louis' bedroom with the tea and biscuits, niall assists louis in sitting up and getting comfortable before handing him the tea and placing the plate of biscuits next to him. louis slowly sips at the tea, before finally deciding to pick up a biscuit. 

niall closely watches louis as he eats. his entire demeanor appears to have changed. instead of fighting back more tears, louis now looks empty instead, like he is hardly aware of what is going on around him. he looks almost mechanical as he eats, not putting in any thought or emotion to the process. 

"lou, i think you should go home," niall suggests, something he has been thinking about ever since he got the call from louis a few days ago. louis needs his mum. doncaster is the best place for him to be right now. not a home he shared with harry. "you need your mum right now. i'll stay with you however long you need and want me to, but i think it would be best for you to be with your family right now."

louis shakes his head. "i have to stay," he whispers. 

"why is that?"

"it's almost harry's birthday. i bought him a new ring. i have to give it to him."

niall frowns. louis sounds almost as if he is in a trance right now. he is staring off at the wall, not really acknowledging that niall is there. "have you heard from him, lou?" he asks, already knowing the answer. 

"we never spend our birthdays apart. we're always together. he'll be home," louis states confidently. 

"oh, louis," niall sighs. he does not have much faith in harry's return. he doesn't want louis to get even more hurt by getting his hopes up.

"he'll be home," louis repeats. 

niall nods along. "he'll be home. how about i stay with you until he gets here, yeah?"

"okay," louis agrees.

niall sits next to louis while he finished eating. he eats slow, but at least he's eating something. 

once louis finishes the biscuits and drinks the last sip of his tea, niall takes the dishes to the kitchen to wash and put away. he decides to straighten up the kitchen while he lets louis be on his own for a few minutes. the kitchen is somewhat of a mess right now, as niall has not spent much tidying, and mostly just grabbing whatever louis needs and hurrying back to him. 

as niall goes through, he notices all of the health drinks and smoothie ingredients that harry left behind. louis would rather be caught dead than with an avocado, so those definitely aren't his. 

it's sad to see all of the things that suggests a second person living in this house. all of harry's belongings are still here. of course, he has other houses that have some of his things, but everything in this house is exactly the way it would be any other time. nothing has changed except harry isn't here anymore. 

after the kitchen is tidy enough to look presentable, niall heads back to louis' bedroom. there, louis is still laying in bed, with a pillow clutched tightly to his chest, almost as if louis is trying to simulate harry being there. just as every other moment with louis the past few days, niall's heart breaks a little bit more. it's so hard to see the strongest person he knows so broken like this. 

"you up for a bath or a shower now?" niall suggests, knowing that louis never got up for a shower yesterday. he'll probably feel a little better once he is clean and in a fresh new set of clothes. 

louis agrees and pushes the pillow aside, pulling himself out of the bed. niall sees a slight tremble in louis' legs as he walks, so he stands nearby for assistance in case louis needs. he doesn't know if it's from lack of usage from starting in bed for so long or lack of nutrition, so niall makes a mental note to get louis to eat some more once he's done and to move around a little more. 

louis decides on a bath because that takes less effort, so he sits on the side of the bathtub while it fills with hot water, and niall dumps in some bubbles before louis can protest. once the tub is full, he helps louis out of his clothes, trying to not look at the scars littering his body. 

niall had previously never thought much about never seeing louis without a shirt on. they're mates. it's not like it's normal to see a friend shirtless all day every day. why would niall think twice about that? there's nothing odd about keeping clothes on most of the time. if the thought ever crossed niall's mind, he would have just brushed it aside, believing that louis was just more comfortable with being covered up around other people. there is nothing wrong with that. 

even so, they practically lived on top of each other for years during tours and promotions. there has been multiple occasions where niall has stripped in front of his bandmates to change clothes quickly before heading out on stage or into a video shoot. that's normal too. sometimes the lads come in and out of dressing rooms while others are changing and no one really thinks much about that. it's just a part of the wild life they live. 

now that niall is thinking about it, louis has been suspiciously cautious about changing in front of his bandmates. niall can't even remember the last time he saw louis shirtless before now. louis has become way too good at hiding this secret and niall never even thought twice about it. niall can't help but think that maybe if he had been more observant, he could have helped his friend a little more. 

the cuts on louis' thighs are healing well. although they were deep, and will definitely leave a few obvious scars, the skin has already started to close back together and heal. it's at least healing better than louis is. 

louis has not been able to add any new cuts to his collection the past few days. niall has made sure of that. he's already let louis down enough. he's not going to anymore. 

niall sits on the closed toilet seat as louis settles into his bath. he wants to stay just long enough to get louis anything if he needs it. 

after a couple of minutes, just as niall is about to leave to give louis some privacy, louis starts to break down once again. the tears come out of nowhere and the sobs are so intense that louis can barely breathe. the agony louis is experiencing is so evident that it pains niall to see. 

niall rushes over to the edge of the bathtub and wraps his arms around louis, not caring about getting wet or covered in bubbles. louis buries his face into niall's neck and holds on to niall as tightly as he can. his entire body shakes with sobs and they provide him with the additional pain of a throbbing headache to top all of the suffering he already feels. 

niall has lost count of all the times he has been in almost this exact situation with louis these past few days. he doesn't know how long louis will be like this, but he prays to any god there might be that it won't last for much longer. he doesn't know how much longer louis can live like this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, everyone. 
> 
> i’m really sorry it’s been so long since i’ve written. around the time i last updated was when i was coming home from college, and i was fully ready to use my extra spare time to write more after i posted that last chapter, but that didn’t end up happening. life really sucks right now. 
> 
> being away at college is always really difficult for me. i miss being home and seeing my parents and animals. it’s always been really stressful and i’ve never really taken care of myself very well while i’m there. i miss being home and i always count down the days to being back home again. after thanksgiving break, all classes were going to transfer online, so i was excited that i would be at home for an extra month over winter break. 
> 
> the thing getting me through my days at school, as always, was this horse that i had been riding whenever i was home for nearly two years. she was always the thing i looked forward to seeing most, and for the past two years, she has been the thing keeping me happiest. i would always be thinking about her and i would dream and daydream about how it would be if she was able to come to school with me. when i got home a few days before thanksgiving, i was so happy to see her. i had missed her so much and i couldn’t wait to spend the next two months with her. she was always so fun to work with and could make so much progress. we had such a close bond. she was everything to me. less than a week after i got home, she died really unexpectedly and it’s been terrible. words cannot describe how much i miss her and i would do anything to get her back. i can’t stop thinking about her and wondering if there was something i could have done to help her sooner, or if i somehow could have figured out if she was in pain and suffering. this time has been really rough for me and it was nearly impossible to get myself out of bed every day to study for finals, so naturally, writing wasn’t really a thing i was doing. 
> 
> i’m sorry i have been so bad at updating lately, i just thought i should give an explanation. i’m  
> going to try to do better, but i can’t make any promises. thank you for still reading. happy new year. can things get worse? we’ll see.


	40. Chapter 40

february 1, 2016. california. 

the picture of harry with his arm around kendall is the first thing to catch louis' eye. he has already texted and called harry several times to wish him a happy birthday this morning, but as he has still not received an answer, he took to twitter to see if harry has been up to anything. 

he has no one to stop him from digging himself deeper into the photos now. niall left a few minutes ago to get a couple things from the shop. he'll be back soon, but for right now, louis is alone with no one to stop him from looking at things he knows will hurt him.

the pap photos were a surprise. louis has hardly left his bedroom in days, let alone leave his house. he assumed harry would be in a similar situation. or maybe, he just hoped. maybe, he hoped that harry was as heartbroken as he is and would want to come home. 

as he scrolls through the pap photos of harry at the party, the realization finally hits him that harry is not going to come back. harry seems happy. he is drunk and out with a bunch of his mates for his birthday. he looks good. completely different than how louis is right now. harry clearly doesn't need louis anymore. he probably never did. 

louis rolls to the side of the bed and takes the ring he bought for harry out of the drawer. he opens the box and gazes at the beautiful ring. he knew harry would love it. it is perfect to match his current style and louis was so excited to surprise harry with it on his birthday. now, louis feels as if the ring is mocking him, reminding him of what he no longer has. 

louis was so convinced that harry would be home for his birthday. birthdays have always meant a lot to them. they have never been apart for one of their birthdays since they met on the x-factor. it was always one day that they would take for themselves and do whatever they wanted, not caring about what management or anyone else had to say. 

now, harry is spending his birthday ignoring louis' calls and with a bunch of gorgeous women. management must be thrilled. harry's male partner is nowhere around and harry has himself surrounded by stunning models. perfect for the womanizer image that has been pushed onto harry since he was sixteen. 

a bout of anger flows through louis' veins and he throws the ring in his hand and it's box at the wall, leaving a small dent where it collided. it lands on the ground, falling out of the box and rolling away from it. louis was the box. he was what took the harshest blows in order to protect the beautiful ring. he did everything he could to shield the beauty from the cruel world around them. then, there was one impact that was too difficult to deal with and the ring was tossed out of the box and suddenly had to survive the world with no protection and was pushed away from the box, leaving the box helpless and alone. 

louis lets out a pained scream and starts throwing all of the contents of the bedside table at the wall to join the ring laying helplessly on the floor. journals, phone chargers, pens, lube, all scattered on the ground. it seems like a pretty good metaphor for louis' life. he too feels as if he has been thrown aside and left as a crumpled up heap on the ground. 

louis drops to his knees next to the bed and starts to sob into his hands. the realization has finally hit him. harry is gone and he is not coming back. the worst part is, he looks happy without louis. he's out partying with his friends. he doesn't seem to miss louis at all, while louis has spent every day since harry left unable to move far from their bed. 

once the tears subside enough to form a somewhat cohesive thought, louis picks up his phone. niall is right. he needs to go home. there is no point in waiting for harry here anymore. he is not coming home. 

"hi, darling!" jay sounds happy when she answers the phone. she always loves hearing from her oldest child, especially when he's been away from home for a while. "it's been a while since i've heard from you."

"hi, mum," louis answers softly. he tries to make his voice sound stronger, but he knows his mum can always tell when something is wrong. he knows his voice is hoarse, but jay always seems to know the difference between crying and a cold. 

"is everything okay, louis?" she asks, concerned. 

"yeah, yeah," louis mutters. "can i come home?" 

"of course. you're always welcome. you know that," jay responds without hesitation. "when are you coming back? i thought you still had publicity things to do in america."

louis shrugs. "as soon as i can."

"well, i can't wait to see you. is harry coming too? how is he doing? i messaged him earlier to wish him a happy birthday, but i never got a reply," jay rambles, oblivious to the tears her words have brought to her son's eyes. 

louis hesitates for a moment, not knowing exactly what to say. "no, he won't be coming."

"oh," jay says in surprise. "is everything okay?"

"no," is all louis can say, his voice cracking over the one little word. 

jay let's out a small gasp. she must understand what happened. "oh, louis. are you okay? are you alone?" as much as she tries to hide it, louis can still hear the fear in her voice. she must be worried about him trying to hurt himself again, a valid concern.

"niall has been here."

"thank god," jay mumbles under her breath. "you can come home whenever you want. you know you're always welcome."

"thanks, mum," louis whispers, so grateful that he has such a wonderful and supportive mum. a lot of parents would not be okay with their grown children staying with them for uncertain periods of time. he is old enough and financially stable enough to not need support from his family, but jay has always understood the importance of home to louis. she knows that he still sometimes needs someone to take care of him, and louis is so appreciative of that.

"i love you, louis. please let me know when you get a flight. call me if you need anything at all," jay begs. 

"okay, mum," louis replies. "i love you, too."

with that, louis hangs up the phone and stands up from the bed. it's been a while since he has gotten up without niall's help. his legs feel shaky and his vision gets all blurry and blackened for a few seconds. 

he stumbles over to his laptop which is perched on the desk on the other side of the room. he plops himself into the swivel chair and opens the computer. 

glancing at the desktop photo brings more tears to louis' eyes. it's a photo from last christmas, where both louis and harry's families came together and got photos taken where they were all wearing matching christmas sweaters. usually louis would hate something as cheesy as that, but that day, they were all just one big, happy family. it was so nice. 

this picture was louis' favorite. he had his lips pressed to harry's cheek and harry had the brightest smile on his face, but that wasn't even the best part. the best part was jay and anne with their arms wrapped around each other's shoulders. it was gemma and lottie sitting together, with lottie's head resting on gemma's shoulder. it was robin holding ernest in his arms while dan stands next to him holding doris. they were a family. they all loved each other and it meant everything to louis. 

louis pulls his gaze away from the photo and types in his password, which just happens to be his and harry's anniversary. he tries to not think about that too much. 

louis is just hitting purchase on his plane ticket for the next day when niall arrives back. he just tossed the groceries in their bags on the kitchen counter before hurrying upstairs to check on louis. 

he was quite surprised to see louis out of bed, but quickly noticed the jumble of things that were thrown onto the floor. "you alright, lou?" he asks gently. 

"i'm going home," louis states. 

"okay, that's good. you talked to your mum?" niall questions. 

louis nods. "he doesn't need me here. he's happy without me. he doesn't love me."

niall sighs. "you saw the photos?"

louis nods again. he doesn't say anything, but a small tear creeps out from his eye. 

niall pulls louis into a hug and rubs his back gently. "do you want me to fly home with you? so you don't have to be alone during the flight?"

"no, it's okay. i can go alone," louis insists. he has been so reliant on niall for the past few days. he wants to be able to do something by himself for once. niall also deserves to go back to living his own life. he shouldn't need to be here babysitting, but he is because he is such a good friend. louis isn't a child. he shouldn't need niall to fly halfway around the world for him.

"okay, sure. i'll go if you change your mind, though," niall suggests, which louis silently agrees to. "i'm going to go put those groceries away, if you feel up to coming downstairs with me," he offers. 

"no thanks," louis declines. "i think i'm going to call my therapist. see if i can set up an appointment soon."

"that sounds like a great idea!" niall exclaims, not seeming too surprised to hear that louis sees a therapist sometimes. he gets no judgement from niall, which he really appreciates. 

niall gives louis a comforting pat on his shoulder before making his way out of the room and down to the kitchen. once he leaves, louis goes to find his phone where it had been buried under a pile of blankets. 

he has to scroll through his past calls for a while before he finds doctor banner's contact. it has been a while since they've spoken, about a month and a half, which is something that jay and liam never need to find out about. they had decided to have a couple weeks without a session for the holidays and louis' birthday, and louis just didn't schedule another after the holidays were over. he's been busy with press and whole situation with the baby. he didn't want to add therapy sessions on top of that, even though he knows that probably would've helped some. now, since the breakup, louis hardly even thought of doctor banner. honestly, the thought of speaking to him didn't cross louis' mind until just after he got off the phone with his mum. 

louis is a little surprised when doctor banner answers the call. he was expecting that the doctor would be busy and he would be sent to voicemail, but apparently not. 

"hello, doctor banner speaking," he answers the phone, sounding very professional. 

"hi, doctor banner. it's louis," he replies, a little shy about what to say to his therapist after so long. 

a smile brightens doctor banner's face. "louis! it's been a while since i've heard from you!" he exclaims. 

"yeah, i know, i'm sorry," louis apologizes. "i'm flying back to the uk tomorrow morning. i was hoping i could come talk to you at some point?"

"yes, of course! when will be near the yorkshire area? or would you rather do a phone call instead of being in person?" doctor banner asks, thrilled that louis is seeking out his treatment. he knows that louis is someone who will avoid his therapy sessions until someone drags him to it. the doctor is glad that louis is reaching out again. 

"in person. i'm going to be staying with my family in donny," louis tells him. "i'm not going to be doing too much, so i can mostly do whenever."

"okay, so i'm assuming you would want some time to settle and get over your jet lag, so would you want to do next monday, the 8th? i have most of my afternoon open," doctor banner suggests as he looks through his calendar. 

louis hesitates. he doesn't know if he wants to wait a full week. he doesn't know if he can. "um, do you have any time sooner?" he asks, shyly. 

doctor banner frowns at the sadness in louis' voice. "how about thursday the 4th? i have an open time slot at 3 pm."

"yeah, yeah that works," louis agrees, thankful that he could get a time so soon. he really does need the extra support right now. 

"it's everything alright, louis?" doctor banner asks hesitantly, not knowing if asking that is going to make louis back away or not. 

"no, not really," louis admits, honestly. "i'll see you soon, doc."

"wait!" doctor banner calls out before louis gets a chance to hang up the phone. "i have a few minutes right now. do you want to talk about anything?"

louis sighs. he doesn't really want to talk about this right now. he just wants to get home and be with his family. "life sucks," he settled on saying. "i'll see you thursday."

he hangs up and sets the phone down on the bed. he knows he should feel better about taking this step to help himself right now, but instead, he is just feeling even more drained. 

this has been the most that louis has done in the past week, though. two phone calls and purchasing plane tickets through the internet. that's a lot compared to just laying in bed and only eating or moving when niall comes to assist him. 

louis sits himself down on the floor, next to the bed, so that his back is up against the bed frame. he pulls his knees up to his chest and rests his forehead on them, trying to make himself look as small as possible. 

it isn't long before niall makes his way into the room with a plate of food in his hands. he helps louis get up onto the bed, resting with his back against the headboard. 

louis is handed the plate of food and begins picking at it, even though he is not hungry. he feels like he just ate, even though he knows it has been a few hours, since before niall left for the shops. 

louis eats slowly and niall sits with him the whole time. he doesn't speak, but his presence tells louis that he is there for him and will always love and support him. 

when louis finally finishes eating, he puts the plate aside and curls up next to niall. "thank you, nialler. thanks for being here. it means a lot to me."

niall runs his hand up and down louis' back. "any time, mate. i'll be by your side any time you're needing me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, everyone. i want to be honest and say i am not entirely sure the direction that this story is going right now. i had plans, but i never imagined this would become so long. it is already over 100,000 words, which is insane. the longest thing i have ever written before this was 43,000 words, which was years ago. the original plan for this still has a long way to go, and i'm not sure if i want this to be that long. it’s a lot of time, and i’ll be back at college in less than a month, and life still really sucks, so i don’t know if i’m prepared to do that. i think i have a new plan that would work, but i guess i'll find out what will happen when as i write.
> 
> i hope everyone is still enjoying this. i know it's been rough with updates lately, but i am determined to finish this at some point and not just leave it incomplete. thanks for still reading.


	41. Chapter 41

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: mention of self-harm

february 4, 2016. england.

"louis, honey, are you sure you're going to be up to driving to yorkshire by yourself today?" jay asks, sounding very concerned, pacing back and forth across the room. "dan can drive you if you need, miss jackson next door can watch the twins. or, i can call out of work to take you. i'm planning on only working for a couple hours anyway."

"mum, i'll be okay," louis cuts her off. "it's not that far. i flew here alone and everything was fine." 

that is somewhat of a lie. although nothing too extremely disastrous happened, louis did have a breakdown on the plane where he cried so hard he ended up puking in the tiny bathroom, which resulted in him panicking just a little, which made the whole situation even worse. it took nearly an hour and several grumpy passengers banging on the door for louis to calm himself down enough to get back to his seat. jay doesn't need to know that, though. 

jay sighs and takes a seat next to her oldest child on the couch. "i know, i know. i'm just worried. at least on the plane, you aren't in charge of it and keeping yourself safe. a lot of things can go wrong when you drive."

"i'll be fine, mum," louis promises. "besides, i'm going to see my therapist. it's not like i'm going out to a party or anything like that."

"are you sure? maybe you should just do a phone session instead. i'm sure doctor banner won't mind," jay rambles on. 

"please, mum. i think i have to do something for myself. i've been so reliant on everyone lately. i can drive alone for thirty minutes," he argues. "plus, i think i want to spend a little time by myself right now." 

"are you planning on hurting yourself? what if something happens?" 

"if anything happens, i'll call you. i promise," louis says, trying to comfort his mother. of course he appreciates that she cares and is being so protective, but going to therapy already makes louis feel weak enough. he doesn't need to feel helpless for not even being able to drive there alone as well. 

finally, jay gives in. "okay, but i want you to let me know the second you get there and before you leave. if you start feeling bad or anything, pull the car over and call me. even if you just have to stop to use the toilet. are we clear?" jay lists off. 

"crystal."

jay finally pulls louis into her arms. "i am so proud of you for reaching out to doctor banner on your own. i know that's hard for you to do anyway." 

"i love you, mum. i have to get going. i'll be home in a few hours."

"okay. i love you. call me if anything happens," jay reminds again. 

"i will," louis promises as he heads out the door. 

honestly, louis is a little nervous to drive. he hasn't truly been by himself since he called niall the night harry left. niall was almost always at his house, and drove him to the airport. on the plane, he was surrounded by flight attendants and other passengers, and then his mum was there to pick him up as soon as the plane landed. he hasn't gotten the chance to be truly alone, like he will be in the car. 

louis tries to put on some music for the drive, but every song he has on his phone reminds him of harry, in one way or another. giving up on that, he puts the radio on as he starts to drive, but every song either reminds him of harry, too, or is absolutely terrible. louis ends up doing the drive in silence. 

he lights a cigarette and distracts himself by reading every road sign and noting the color of each car that passes him. each time his cigarette burns out, he lights a new one and chain smokes for the entire drive. it's been a while since he has smoked so much. although there are times when he felt himself staring to drift away, thinking of harry again, louis safely gets himself into the parking lot of the therapy office. he sends a quick text to his mum to let her know that he made it, calls harry, and then makes his way inside. 

the inside of the office has not changed since the last time louis was here, even though he only had therapy in person a handful of times. there are the same annoyingly inspirational posters that were on the walls last time and the same uncomfortable chairs in the waiting room. there are a few people in the waiting room, occupying themselves with their phones. 

timidly, louis pulls down his hat a little to block more of his face and adjusts his jacket, praying that no one would recognize him. that is the last thing he needs getting out into the press. louis tomlinson, after only being seen with his newborn baby for a few days, spotted back in england for therapy. the thought of that headline makes louis shutter. 

he checks in with the receptionist and goes to take a seat as far from the other patients as he can get. he keeps his eyes glued to the floor to avoid any accidental eye contact with anyone. now, the only thing he can think about is someone having recognized him, maybe in here, maybe as he was walking inside. what if this gets out to the press? what would the fans think? would they think he's weak? what about harry? would harry even care? he knows that louis had a therapist, but would he even care that louis is back in england meeting with him?

only a few minutes pass before doctor banner comes out to collect him. "louis?" he says, eyeing the man who is clearly trying to make himself as invisible as possible. 

louis' eyes shoot you to meet his and he shakily stands and follows doctor banner back into his office. he doesn't say a word until the door is shut, ensuring them total privacy. 

"do you think anyone recognized me? are they about to tell the press that they saw me here? simon cowell is going to have a field day with that one. maybe mum was right. maybe i should have just done this over the phone. i can't be in public right now," louis rambles, pacing back and forth, his mind racing a mile a minute. 

doctor banner, who was already seated behind his desk, watches with a frown on his face. "louis, why don't you sit down? no one was paying attention to you. and even if they were, going to therapy is not a shameful thing. lots of people come to see me. sometimes for reasons as simple as wanting someone to talk to so they can make more sense of what is going on in their lives. this is not as bad as your brain is telling you it is."

finally, louis takes a seat in the chair opposite doctor banner and pulls his knees up to his chest. doctor banner watches, not particularly liking what he is seeing. even when he first started talking to louis, right after his suicide attempt, he was not this jumpy or upset. it is clear by his body language and the tone of his voice that something is very wrong. he looks unhealthy. his skin is pale and he looks thin and exhausted. doctor banner can't even guess what could have happened to put louis in such a bad state. it must have been really bad for louis to willingly reach out to his therapist without anyone forcing him to. 

"can you breathe for me, louis?" doctor banner speaks softly. "i need you to calm down."

louis takes a shaky breath and exhales, trying to follow what doctor banner had taught him many months ago. he repeats it a few more times before a cup of water is handed to him. 

louis notices his hands shaking as he tries to take a sip of the water. he glares at them as if they are betraying him, which they are. he doesn't want doctor banner to see him so weak like this. 

after giving louis another minute to calm down, doctor banner sits back down at his desk. "so, louis, do you want to tell me what happened? was it something with your management? i thought you were on your break now."

louis glances up at him, then immediately drops his gaze back down to the floor. "harry left me."

doctor banner's jaw drops in surprise, though he tries to hide it. that was certainly not what he was expecting. "why did that happen?"

"you were right," louis fiddles with the sleeves of his jacket. "i should've told him everything. he started talking about coming out and i said i didn't want to and we fought and now he hates me."

"why do you think he hates you? is it possible that he was just upset and needed some time?" doctor banner asks, trying to remain in a neutral stance. 

"he told me he hates me," he admits. "i don't blame him. it's my fault for lying to him."

"have you spoken to him at all!"

louis shakes his head. "he won't reply. i don't think he wants anything to do with me," he says, sadly. 

"have you self-harmed because of this situation?" doctor banner asks, cautiously. 

louis immediately drops the eye contact they had in favor of staring at the pattern on the rug under his feet. "just right after it happened," he admits. "then niall wouldn't really give me a chance, even though i could barely get myself out of bed anyway. i just wish i could be better for him. i wish i could be a better partner, less scared. but, i just can't help how much i hate myself."

"do you feel as if you are at risk to yourself right now? if you had the opportunity, would you harm yourself?"

"why?" louis asks. "will you lock me up if i said yes?"

"why? do you think you need to be locked up?" doctor banner counters. 

louis takes a moment to study doctor banner, like he's trying to determine what the therapist would do. "i'm fine," he decides on. 

doctor banner lets out a sigh. "louis," he starts, but is cut off. 

"never mind. i shouldn't have come," louis goes to get up, but doctor banner jumps up and grabs his wrist so he can't leave. 

"please stay, louis. i know that this is hard for you right now, but it's good for you to be here. it's good for you to talk to someone. that's what i'm here for."

louis sits back down, but doesn't say anything. doctor banner relaxes back into his chair once he is confident that louis is going to stay. 

"have you tried calling harry?" he asks, receiving a nod of confirmation in response. "when was the last time?"

"in the parking lot before i came inside," louis confesses. 

"have you been calling him every day?" 

louis nods again. 

"okay, louis, i know that this is going to be difficult, but i need you to try to stop calling him. it isn't healthy," doctor banner explains. "i think you need to try to separate yourself from him for now. that means no calls, no texting, and no social media stalking. you're not going to start to heal until you can be okay with not reaching out to him anymore. i understand how hard this can be for you. i know how much you love him and how much that relationship means to you, but the ball is in his yard now. you need to take care of yourself and it's up to him when he wants to reach out to you again. you need to give him some time."

louis frowns and wipes away a tear that began to trickle down. "i can't just pretend our relationship never happened."

"i'm not asking you to," doctor banner quickly counters. "i'm just saying that it's doing you no good to stay hung up on everything. at this point, he is going to let you know when he's ready, so until that happens, i need you to take care of yourself."

"i don't know how. i feel like i can't breathe without him."

"what have you been up to since it happened?"

"not much of anything. it's hard to get out of bed. besides flying back home, this is the first time i've actually done anything," louis explains awkwardly. 

"okay, so i want you to try to get up and do something every day," doctor banner decides. "it can be going for a walk with your family, or going to a cafe, anything like that. i think songwriting would probably be good for you right now. i just want you to try to spend a little bit of time every day focusing on something for yourself, rather than laying around and missing harry. it'll be hard, but it'll help. can you do that for me?"

louis contemplates for a moment, knowing how difficult minor tasks are right now, but he knows that doctor banner is right. "i can try," he agrees. 

doctor banner's face lights up with a smile. "that's what i like to hear."

after a very long hour, louis finally walks out of doctor banner's office, shedding his face from any prying eyes. once he is seated back in his car, he almost instinctively pulls up harry's contact on his phone. his fingers hover above the call button for a moment, before he decides against it and puts the phone down. it seems so impossible, maybe louis will just wait until he gets home to call harry again. it's a start. 

just before he drives off, he cracks the window of his car and lights up another cigarette. he knows his mum isn't going to approve of him coming home smelling like smoke, but cigarettes are the least destructive self destructive thing he could be doing, so she can't complain too much. 

dan and the youngest twins are home when louis gets back, but they are busy in the nursery, with dan trying to get the twins to go down for a nap. louis curls himself up on the couch and turns the tv on, just to have some background noise. he doesn't pay attention to it. 

as hard as he tries, louis pretty quickly gives in to his urges and leaves yet another voicemail for harry. he can't just completely change everything he's been doing so quickly. maybe tomorrow he'll try a little bit harder. 

it isn't too long before jay gets home from work. she's decided to take on limited hours for the next week so she could spend as much time home with louis as she can. she doesn't really want to leave him alone. 

as soon as she walks through the door, jay kicks her shoes off and sits down next to louis, allowing him to cuddle into her side. she wants to ask him how his session with doctor banner went, but she can tell louis doesn't want to talk right now. she also wants to say something about the strong scent of cigarettes emanating from him, but she doesn't yet. she just sits with her son in a comfortable silence. 

after a while of sitting on the couch together, neither of them really paying attention to the tv, jay heads into the kitchen to boil a kettle for some tea. niall had informed jay that tricking louis into eating while bringing him a cup of tea has been easiest. in the couple of days since louis has been home, he has been doing a little bit better then he was, but still, the depression is really faking a toll on him. 

his face is either pale from the lack of sufficient nutrition and sleep, or red from all of the crying. his hair is oily and messy. the only times he has washed it has been when niall had dragged him into the bath and done it for him. he changes his clothes at most once a day and is overall, a mess. besides making the decision to come home, his therapy session was the first thing he has done that's good for himself in several days. 

with niall's help, jay has realized that there is no point in asking louis if he wants to eat or get up to do anything. the sad truth is louis has no motivation to get anything done. the sadness in him is overwhelming and prevents any desire for basic self care. even so, jay has learned that louis will almost always still appreciate a cup of tea, and if you sneak a plate of food alongside the tea, louis will usually pick at it. it won't be the proper amount of food, but it is something. 

just as the kettle starts to steam, there is a knock on the front door. 

"louis, would you be able to answer that for me, dear? i'll be over in a second," jay calls from the kitchen, already knowing who is at the door. 

louis lets out a low groan, not particularly feeling up to moving right now, but jay has been doing so much for him, the least he can do is open up the door for her. 

standing up from the couch brings just a little bit of difficulty, and although he does feel dizzy and unstable at first, he manages to make his way to the door. 

on the other side, he is greeted by two very unexpected faces. one is the sympathetic face of eleanor, who he hasn't spoken to in quite a while, and the other is the happy and excited face of clifford. 

the black puppy immediately launches his way into louis' arms, almost knocking him over in the process. he has grown a substantial amount since louis last saw him. it's only been about three weeks, but babies grow fast, and louis has missed his. 

once clifford calms down enough for louis to pick him up, he finally is able to greet eleanor with a kiss to her cheek and invite her inside. at this point, jay has joined them from the kitchen, carrying a platter with three cups of tea on it, already having made one for eleanor.

on the couch, clifford will not leave louis alone. even though they hadn't had clifford for that long when they had to leave for america, there is no question that the puppy knows who louis is and is thrilled to see him. 

"i called eleanor when you told me you were coming home," jay explains. "i thought it would be good for you to have someone to take care of and distract you a little bit, even if he was a gift from he-who-shall-not-be-named."

"thank you, mum," louis turns to eleanor. "thank you for watching him and bringing him here. i really did miss him."

"any time, louis," eleanor pulls him into a hug. "i have to get going now, but call me if you need anything at all."

after eleanor makes her way out the door, louis lays back down on the couch with clifford. the puppy is oblivious to what is going on, but he is so happy to be around louis, which makes him feel just a little bit better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey everyone. less than a month since the last update. are you surprised, because i am! 
> 
> college is staring back up again soon, so my infrequent updates are going to become even more infrequent again. i’ll do my best, but it is probably going to be a while in between updates for a while. 
> 
> thank you for reading. i really appreciate it.


End file.
